lulu1974

Hello SR friends..
I havent posted in a while. Work has been crazy and I have been exhausted and getting sick often.
So, my stbxah is in default for our divorce and my lawyer filed the paperwork with the court. I am expected to be there Nov 18th. Which happens to be my wedding anniversary. Would have been 4 years. I thought about changing it but I dont want to tack on another 6 weeks to this process. So I may be seeing my ex on our anniversary after all, but not for the same reasons as in the past.
I heard from him. It has been so long I forgot I didnt block his email. He emailed me and texted me but I wouldnt answer the phone to talk live. I think I had a weak moment and I responded. He wanted to tell me he is back in AA and how sorry he was for being a piece of sh*t. He apologized for being a horrible husband and for all the pain he caused me. What I heard is this instead in my head:
"My current girlfriend left me and I am lonely so I am testing the waters with you. I am going to act humble and sweet and tell you everything I know you want to hear and tell you how broke I am in hopes you will drop the settlement in the divorce."

Is it wrong that I think this way? Truthfully, I have heard this apology before. A few times. Word for word actually.

The thing is I broke the NC by replying and I feel really stupid about it because I was just starting to get better. Now I feel lousy again. He texts me when he hears a traffic report that includes my route to work or to see how I am feeling. That should be nice right? Except I dont believe any of it. A part of me wants too though.

The truth is even if he sticks with AA and is successful, he still isnt the man I want to be with. There were other things in our relationship that didnt work that were important to me and AA wont fix them.

So why did I even want to hear what he said?

Thank you all for listening..

Lulu

Pelican

Hugs and Prayers to you tonight and tomorrow.

Why did you want to hear what he had to say? I don't know the answers.
I believe you will find your way through this. You will be okay.

I just wanted to let you know you are not alone.
You've got us here supporting you.

lulu1974

Because I am lonely. I dont really know how to have a life.. I have tried new things but I dont like them. I took antidepressants. I didnt like them. lol. I am in limbo and that is how I live my life. I dont know where to go from here. So he caught me on a lonely day. I left someone recently. It was nothing serious and he betrayed me. And then I hear from my ex..so I responded. I went 4 months with NC. It was hard and I was proud of myself. Now I feel like I failed. I feel like he knows he can get to me.

Thank you Pelican for your kind words. I needed to hear them tonight..

Hugs
Lulu

wicked

lulu,
i think you needed to hear it so could hear what he was actually saying. which is what you translated in your mind above.
you are clear. it still hurts. but you are still clear and strong.
we are here.

Beth

lulu1974

Thank you Beth.

I think you are 100% right. And the reason its hard for me to believe my own translation is because he always told me I was wrong in how I perceived things. I guess its time to trust my own judgement now. He isnt here to contradict me anymore. That is what I heard.

It does hurt. That surprises me. But it doesnt hurt that much anymore so I guess it does get better with time. And it may take longer than I expected.

Jadmack25

Hi Lulu, sorry you are going thru this contact cr*p with him, but oh have't you decoded his sugar sweet words perfectly.
Yep, all this "mea culpa, forgive me" and breast beating is just

I reckon 90% of us have been told time after time that we got it wrong, that we were "imagining things", that what we heard or saw never happened......til we believed they were right and we were wrong.

When we got away from them, we realise it was the A's smoke and mirrors act that had us caught, and we were spot on all the time.

Go back to NC, and if he wants to do more of the "sorry", tell him "so am I, and I am past it". Please don't let this lonely stage influence you to be sucked back into contact with this crazy man again, because it is a stage of grieving and it will end.

Keep stumbling forward even when it is hard, til you find there is a path under your feet and that becomes a solid road.

You have all your friends and fellow stumblers here, to support you and show we care.

nodaybut2day

Lulu...I am a firm believer of "everything happens for a reason". Please don't see this breach of NC as some kind of weakness. It happened so that you could realize where you were in your grieving process and strengthen your resolve. Heck, you already knew to translate his b.s. That's awesome.

So get back to NC and perhaps start on "Project Lulu" and filling your life with things that mean something to you. You deserve it.

Sending you cyber hugs all the way from windy Montreal.

lulu1974

[QUOTE=Jadmack25;2740009
Go back to NC, and if he wants to do more of the "sorry", tell him "so am I, and I am past it". [/QUOTE]

Thank you...That is perfect and exactly what I need to say. What I realize I should have asked is..what makes this apology different from the rest? lol.

Hugs
Lulu

Freedom1990

You didn't fail Lulu. You're human like the rest of us, and God knows I have had my share of one step forwards, and two steps back.

It's a major transition in going through a divorce, regardless of the circumstances.

My 22 year old and I went to the movies last night, and we were talking about some of her old and not so good crowd while waiting for the movie to start.

Every one of those girls is now either a young mother, or pregnant. None are in healthy circumstances.

I told her I was proud of her for making some good choices in her life!

She said she felt like a loser because she isn't where she wants to be.

I reminded her that sometimes it takes a lot of patience and footwork to get there.

Gratitude lists are great. They help me see that my life isn't so bad even though I may not be where I want to be either at this time.

Put the big stick down and quit beating up on yourself, okay?

lulu1974

Yes. A gratitude list is in order Freedom. And a good dose of Alanon meetings. I was meant to hear what he said but its nothing new sadly. Still the same sh*t.

Learn2Live

LuLu, sorry honey you are going thru this but "glad" at the same time that you are because I know it's just part of the process you are going thru. My one bit of advice is, keep track of yourself and notice if the blues keep you down long enough or they get worse, please do go back to the doctor.

I agree with previous posters, that this was a necessary step. Soon you will see just what it was supposed to make you see about yourself. I remember going thru this too, several times, and finally it occurred to me that when I talk to this person I feel BAD about myself. Then I pieced together that only I can take care of me. And that I had weak boundaries. So, No Contact it was all over again. Try to stop beating yourself up about a necessary step in your life.

Love ya' LuLu Sister! You're doing GREAT even though you do not feel it or see it right now. Trust in the process and more will be revealed. In the meantime, keep head up girl!

lulu1974

Thank you L2L...This really helped. I guess your specialty is to make me cry about myself! In a good way...

I took inventory today. Gratitude list. Nothing is getting better because nothing is changing except going backwards at times. So..am making a plan to move forward.

It amazes me how often I try not to do anything at all and pray it magically disappears or resolves itself. Many times it does not!

So you are right. I was running. I was getting happy. I was going out. Then I got a new addict in my life and an old one came back and now I am here..everyone following?

Guess it doesnt take a genius to see the pattern here..

Good news is I may be divorced in 4 weeks if all goes well.

The BIGGEST hugs

Lulu

P.S. I am pulling out my big sheets that list all my positive and taping them to the walls again. I need them again

Learn2Live

Good for you for keeping your big sheets!!! It's so easy to forget what is on them isn't it? That's because there are so many people and things that tear us DOWN instead of building us UP. I have never had sustained positive feelings from any addict or alcoholic in my life. They are energy vampires.

Take your vitamins, that's what I've been making sure I do everydayznow for probably 2 weeks. It's starting to work; I'm feeling better this week hope you feel better again soon too don't cry too much, makes your eyes puffy

Learn2Live

About this:
"Nothing is getting better because nothing is changing except going backwards at times. So..am making a plan to move forward"
I remember being frustrated by this too. I had to learn to be patient with myself. And how to care for myself. How to comfort myself (which I'm still not very good at). But one thing that really helped me was a line from a play called The Zoo Story, by Edward Albee. And it goes: "Sometimes you have to go a long distance out of your way in order to come back a short distance correctly." That is just how some things are in life. Your job is to keep your eyes, ears and mind Open while you go the distance

TakingCharge999

Lulu , fellow overworked "i don't know how to get a life" woman in here ...

I am so glad you feel better. After a REALLY BAD day where I was also triggered by a 3rd party comment and other stuff, I decided to go to the kickboxing class... when I came back home I decided to "become the observer" and observe my train of thought.

One was a really hateful voice telling me how stupid I was to do X and Y and not do Z, and what a failure I was for feeling B instead of C and how I am an idiot, yadda yadda.

The other one was a very compassionate voice (many of those words were familiar from all you great people in SR) telling me its ok, nothing really happened that was truly a PROBLEM, that I had options, that I am loved and not alone and if I just took a GOOD LOOK AT MYSELF I would see I am capable, strong, brave and there is nothing to envy in others and many stuff unacknowledged, that is worth admiring and recognizing that is alive in me... this voice felt so true and the other one so OLD and ridiculous. Of course I also cried in a good way while driving LOL.

I then turned myself to HP... NO not the alkie or "the situation with the alkie" just MYSELF and MY WHOLE LIFE... and well the last hour was much better than the rest of the hours today.

Its not falling but getting back on track, and I do see I do get back on the right track much quicker and with more certainty than I did before, and I feel proud.

Now that I live alone I can also put affirmations, quotes, gratitude lists, pictures, photos etc that uplift me. Right now I only have Dr Phils "Every day is a turning point". Oh I also put 2 letter envelopes on a wall, to start saving for some stuff I would like to have. Like a pair of Louboutins. Why the hell not?????

I am glad we are walking together and I believe it is fun to get a life... in movies the characters that already got it together are boring, the ones undecided or stumbling are the interesting ones like the "lego" game, no one cares about the end result, what is fun is assembling the pieces one by one.

sesh

I think there is this whole idea in the today's world that we need to do some great stuff all the time. Be outdoorsy, do healthy things, whatever. As positive as that is, it doesn't necesseraly IMO has to be that kind of things.

You don't have to do new things, you can try to get comfortable with the things you already do. Do whatever thing that is keeping you busy and is somewhat fun to you, regardless of how silly that things is. Do knitting, do puzzles, watch movies, stay in bed and eat some chocolate, be lazy, whatever. Get back to yourself by pampering yourself, and than IMO the life you'd enjoy having will slowly reveal itself to you.
When you think about things that way, I think it is very exciting. You can give yourself permission to do nothing special, to just chill, and slowly discover what really makes you happy.
You've been through a lot, give yourself time to grieve, and do some simple silly things to do to keep you busy until you're ready to rediscover yourself.

At least that is what I was doing, and it is working out well for me. (OK so maybe it is a bit embarassing to admit, but here is what I did: I spend days and months online, researching the trips I'll most likely never take, I found out the best deals, best hotels in different cities, things to do, the whole lot, I know that is really silly thing to do and quite pointless too, but in the same time I almost feel like I've been to all those places, and it made me busy until I was ready to do other things, things that are considered as living my life
Take care

Summerpeach

Lu....just keep at it .
The mourning period should be a healing time, but then you need to get up and push yourself to change.
As you know, the last few months of my life has brought on so many changes.
At first I was frozen; I left the ex, lost my job and had to leave some friends.
All of this pain made me determined to make a new life for myself.
I'm doing now what I didn't do 3 short months ago.
I am at the gym 3-4 days a week, eating much better, getting into awesome shape, meet/meeting new friends, going to functions I never would before, saying yes to invites I would normally turn down, volunteering more
I used to dislike restaurants, but made a decision I would eat in one, once a week.
Anyway, you get the idea.

Being stagnent just keeps you in the sickness. It's SO hard to get up and change and create a new life, but a few short months of hard work pays off.
Not saying I am 100% totally overjoyed because I do miss my ex and the life we had, but all the missing in the world won't make us better.
I used to say "I wish" or "I hope" and I realized wishing and hoping were futile unless I got up and actually took action.

Lu, one small step at a time. We're in this together my friend :-)

lulu1974

I love this Sesh. Yes I always feel I have so many shortcomings because I am not really all that interested in all those things. I work hard. I come home and relax, read, watch TV. I spend time with friends on the weekend and sometimes that is just having coffee or going out for lunch. I dont have this whole big hobby thing and all these extra things in my life. And maybe I dont want them. Now if someone wants to work for me so I can stay home all day and figure out what my creativity is ...by all means bring it on!

xoxo
Lulu

Learn2Live

LuLu, me neither. I live a very simple life. But guess what? Life is much easier when we keep it simple. I used to beat myself up about it like you are doing too. But that's because that was what I thought I was SUPPOSED to be doing because that's what everyone else was doing. Now that I have dropped that expectation and given myself permission to do what I WANT to do, and not what I think I'm supposed to do, I feel GREAT about not having any hobbies. Other than gardening around my house, that is.

TatliGuzelim

You were vulnerable and sought comfort - that's human.

Sounds like you're disappointed in yourself. Frankly, one moment in four months doesn't constitute a failure in my book, but I can relate to the feeling. When I feel this way, I try to pick myself up, dust myself off and keep going --sometimes with the help of trusted friends.