BuffaloGal

Is none of my business.

That is one of the most useful comments I've ever gotten out of Alanon.

Recently I sent my aexh an earful by email mostly about the effects of his parenting choices; and got a pretty nasty, holier than thou response... it's all about my issues, not about our child's best interests... I don't know what I'm talking about... he won't dignify my comments with a reply... this is all "true to form" for me.

And I realized... I must have actually struck a nerve!

At one point I would have been pretty crushed... and therefore avoided bringing any of this stuff up. And ya know... it didn't hurt! I'm not fazed anymore! It isn't personal (that's another profound statement: my burden was lightened considerably when I began to understand that whatever hurts me most likely isn't about me at all). It's blameshifting, it's all the standard tactics displayed by those who don't want to look at things that make them uncomfortable. The amount it has to do with me is next to nothing. It doesn't make him a bad person and I'm not tempted to escalate any more. He's ill in his spirit, is likely to remain so, and the best I can do is keep away because it is contagious, in a way.

Anyway, I was kind of wondering if he was getting any better, and I got my answer. Not coincidentally, I have avoided the idea of long term relationships for awhile... for the first time in years I can see the possibility again. It feels pretty dang good.

CatsPajamas

I like that concept too ! That's why it's been my signature line for a long time.

It was a shift for me, to understand that concept. I was raised in a house where what other people thought defined our lives. We lived and nearly died by "what will the neighbors think?" My mother worried about it constantly, and we always judged our insides by other peoples' outsides.

This was a transformational concept - and a profound weight off of my shoulders. What a relief to know I only had to be the best person I could be, and the rest was out of my hands.

BuffaloGal

And even if I'm totally wrong, if he's a model parent and I'm delusional, or if I'm not as smart as I think, or if I was secretly trying to pick a fight or something....it still doesn't matter, because his response doesn't cause me any pain!

It's like having a big ugly skinned knee and bumping it on the table... and then realizing that it must have healed because bump doesn't hurt, instead of having the d**n thing get worse and bleed again. Wow.

Learn2Live

What an interesting form of detachment you describe. I think I might have this sort of problem too. I often feel misunderstood and spend an inordinate amount of time explaining myself to people who I think I may have given the wrong impression. I normally only have this issue at work but I can see how it may have affected me in personal relationships too. I was always trying to explain myself and my feelings to BFs. Some people, though, no matter how much explaining, adjusting or changing myself I did, I seem to always walk away from interacting with them feeling like I'm being judged or simply not understood. It would make me crazy, anxious, depressed, and even emotionally hysterical. At some point I hope I learn to walk away earlier. I am going to have to remember, "what other people think of me is none of my business" and likely "not my problem."

Thanks for sharing BuffaloGal!!!

CatsPajamas

It became glaringly clear to me early in recovery when I encountered someone I knew at a store. We spoke, and she was really rude to me for no reason that I could figure out. In the past, I would have worried and fretted and dissected the situation until I determined what I had done wrong. I called my sponsor about it, and she suggested that I practice letting it go.

The other woman called me later and apologized. She'd had a terrible fight with her husband and she snapped at me - because I was there. It had nothing to do with me and everything to do with her and what was going on with her.

I learned that other people will do what they do, and it's no reflection on me, just as my actions are not about anyone else besides me. I can only control myself and what I do.

It wasn't as easy as it sounds, it took a lot of work to only worry about me and what I was doing... and that other people's stuff just wasn't about me!

transformyself

This is great.

I try to practice not taking anything personally. When I remember that everyone, every single person acts and reacts the way they do because of who they are and it has very little to do with me.

My Elder tells me that the minute I start taking something personally, my spiritual growth stops. It's hard to practice in many situations, but so freeing.

Buffalo Gal and L2L, you're really working through some hard stuff. That introspection, and honesty is showing. Thanks for sharing

Still Waters

I try to remember that I have no idea what's going on in other peoples heads and lives. Goodness knows, they didn't know what hell I was going through.

I have to admit though, I have absolutely no patience for people who are rude or nasty to others because they "had a bad day" or something. I've had a LOT of bad days in the last few years, and I tried very hard not to take it out on innocent bystanders.

HealingWillCome

I grew up pleasing people. Because of my AF's abandonment and emotional unavailability, my self worth was based mostly on other peoples' opinions of me. You couldn't find a nicer person than me, anywhere. I am still a people pleaser to a certain degree, but I can't tell you how freeing it has been to quit worrying what others think of me!

I teach high school students, and one day, about 10 years ago, I witnessed a conversation between two students that went like this:

Boy: "I am so tired of that jerk callling me gay."
Girl: "Are you gay?"
Boy: "No."
Girl: "Then why do you care what he thinks?"

Hearing that short conversation was a major lightbulb moment for me. The wisdom of that 17-year old girl permanently changed my life perspective. It was right after my divorce from XAH, and I was struggling with what I must have done wrong to make him want to leave his family, blah, blah, blah.

I was worried about what other people must be thinking...and in that moment, I got it. WHO CARED what others were thinking? I knew the truth of the situation, God knew the truth of the situation, the people who loved me knew the truth of the situation, and no one else mattered.

I still have people pleasing moments, and I was starting to turn into that old me, people-pleasing girl with XABF. But I got out, thank God, and I love having that freedom back -- the freedom to be ME without caring what anyone else thinks. As long as I'm not causing malicious harm to anyone along the way, and I can live with a clean conscience, then who cares what others think about me? It's a great way to live.

1234

This is exciting to think about. I'm working on spending less time analyzing the ways that other people interpret my behavior, and more time being the person I want to be.

I don't want to totally stop, because I do think that putting myself in another's head can produce real empathy and insight. But I also think I can feel the difference between looking for understanding and protecting my ego.

Thumper

Thank you for the post. I realize I have a long way to go here. I've made some good progress with regards to not worrying about xah so much anymore but in general - long way to go.

My neighbors put up a fence this summer. Oh.my.gawd the obessive thoughts. I even recognized they were wackadoo and I had to constatly banish them. Do they hate me, why did they build along my side before they built along the other neighbors side, are they talking to me less, don't they like me anymore, did I do something nutty to scare them off, are their kids coming over less often to play, they probably think I'm lame. Jeez - it is rediculous. If they had a view of my inner thoughts they really would run for the hills, lol. People put up fences every day - and they actually told me this one was planned before I even moved in - and I actually wanted the fence because my kid is afraid of their dog. Yet I drive myself nuts.

Sneezy

Me too, BG!

When I first read it somewhere, I think it was here in one of the SR forums, I thought I must have gotten it wrong. But no, it says right there - "What other people think of me is none of my business."

This was almost a revolutionary concept for me. I too was raised with great concern about what others thought, and the need to be pleasant and not to ruffle feathers. Um.....now, imagine what that does to your fragile, tentative, emerging sense of self????

So learning about boundaries and leaving others opinions to them, and not me, has been transformative. What a huge relief and source of happiness. Not that I don't still struggle with this - I do - but now I have such a better plan for dealing with it, and support too.

TakingCharge999

Wonderful thread!

The gifts of inner work are endless!! Indifference one of the most precious.

Jadmack25

My mum gave me exciting news about my only niece, and I sent an email to her of best wishes etc. Got back a blast of rudeness email that left me amazed.
I told her she had been rude and disrespectful, and her return email was still over the top, even telling me I was really a stranger to her and not to post on her Fb again.

I have accepted that she has demented hormones right now, and anyway I did nothing, but she has a problem it seems and I guess she can't handle it. Seems to me she has more of her mum in her than I thought she had.

Oh well, I have more to concern me than a hormonally hysterical young pup.

Learn2Live

Here's the really strange thing: I have always BELIEVED that I do not care about what other people think of me. I just do what I feel is right, not worried about what others think or let what they might think hinder me. Like I will act goofy or dress comfortable (instead of getting dressed up for work or something) or I will say silly things, without being self-conscious about it. So I guess that was what I was referring to when I thought I did not care what others thought. But apparently there is a deeper me, below my surface, that I DO care what others think about. Does anybody have any idea how I can figure out what this is? Am I self-conscious or something?

HealingWillCome

L2L, that made me smile. I would say if you're not afraid to act goofy or say silly things in front of others, you're probably not all that self-conscious. Being judged for our silliness is less threatening than being judged for our character. Maybe that's what you're getting at here? Is it your character that you want to be judged fairly? Which, IMO, is a healthy thing.

I do care what my daughters, family members, close friends, and even my employer think of my character and the choices I make. For me, being open to their judgment helps me to grow. Everyone else...well...I just don't care so much about people-pleasing like I used to.

It might be different for you , but in my case, it boils down to that whole boundaries thing. As long as I'm living within my value system and not tossing my boundaries out the window, I'm content. I don't need others' approval to determine my self-worth. It took me a long time to figure that out. A painfully long time.

Learn2Live

"Maybe that's what you're getting at here? Is it your character that you want to be judged fairly?"
I don't know

Live

Everyone needs feedback...we need others as mirrors to help us separate the subjective from the objective.
Others can help us grow and offer perspectives we might not think of.

But I know whether someone else's comments are because they "see" me or whether they come from some wrong perspective of me.

I listen to others but I make a judgement within whether what they say is accurate and helpful or not.
Then I can avoid situations or others who cannot offer me genuine friendship and insight or I can realize that if they are someone that I need in my life (such as a co-worker) that their relationship to me and the way they see me are inappropriate and I can rationally discard their views and erect boundaries to make me less accessible.

I get to judge and choose whom I will listen to and whom I will disregard....based on my values and views.

Also to distinguish between what someone thinks of me and what someone thinks of something I do or say...big difference there.