MaryGoRound

I've been thinking about writing this for sometime. Ya no how sometimes in a writing class or in therapy even, they ask you to write a letter to yourself from the past? This is kind of like that for me.

I first came across this site sometime about a year ago through an extensive google search that most likely had to do more with the addict or how to "deal with" an addict. Or how to gently convince someone into therapy or rehab.

I look back at how I viewed this site, aha! I had found just what I was looking for..a gem..I felt like I had hit a gold mine..all the headlines read "What Should I Do?" "Will he ever help himself?" "Pregnant with A's baby and he still won't quit" "How do I make him stop" etc. etc. I was going to find the way to his heart this time.

I was right. I had found a treasure, but not in the way i had initially thought.
My awareness has grown so much since first lurking around here...I created a user name to comment on someone's thread, and then finally I was brave enough to post my own thread. For a long time, I believed my A was "just" a drunk mixed in with occasionally popping some pills. Boy, I sure was wrong.
Now I post mostly on the substance abuse side, and its funny to me how easily fooled I was. How my awareness on so many levels has grown..it just blows me away and its all very much like finding out the truth about someone.

I want everyone to know I am so thankful for you support and kind words over this past year and thanks in advance for encouraging me a long the way in the future.

To all the newbies and lurkers, don't be shy! Get posting...and excuse me for saying this but WAKE UP! I see so many posts (I do it too) he/she said this, they hurt me by doing this etc etc...and it makes me sad because I want everyone who is new to realize that you will grow soooo much and come to realize that the pain stops when you choose to detach. For some, that doesn't necessarily mean never speaking to them again. For many, it does.

For me, I go back and forth with no contact...and its very hard to do. I know it took me a ridiculous amount of time to not take anything personal. And its especially hard (still is, but not as bad) when you are being lied to constantly. You don't have a clue about what is what. How they truly feel. They say one thing and then do another. I give sooo much credit on here to all the mothers and family members on here, i don't know how you guys do it. If they can do it. So can I. So can we. One thing I really know for sure is that it has nothing to do with me! And I needed to be reminded of that still, but until you truly believe that...you won't get it.

I wish we all could have a big convention. There would be soo much love in that room.

So thank you everyone...I miss this side of the forum a bit and newbies read as much as you can on this site...and please trust the people that have been here longer than you...look for similarities and not differences. Just like in AA. What they say might **** you off, hurt, or make you think that somehow they don't get it.

But in time; you will no longer be a newbie, your pain will be lessened, and you too, will see the truth within yourself. Even when there are lies all around you (plus a **** storm of mind games, push and pull antics, and insecurities).

I wish I could tell myself back when I was new so many things. Like play with fire, you will get burned. And these people? These people are all burn victims, and they are telling you to get out of the damn house before it all blows up!

LOL. Stay strong everyone and hugs. Its a rocky road, from whatever distance you stand from your A. Don't let them take you hostage! Thanks for letting me share this. It feels good to put this out there. Maybe it codependent of me to try and save the other codies..haha.

LexieCat

Thanks, Mary,

It is indeed amazing and inspiring to see all the recovery around us here. People going from scared, quivering wretches, to strength and confidence. People who go from being helpless to helping others in the same situation.

We ROCK!

MaryGoRound

I agree! We do rock! We ain't letting something so...pervasive and destructive destroy us ! That's really powerful. To keep loving ourselves. Ya no, I always think..well I believe in love..and its true love does conquer all - it didnt get me!
Cuz I lurrvvv myself!

Lizzaayy

thank you very much for posting that mary.

it brightened my day <33