Do I trust a recovering alcoholic?
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Join Date: Apr 2010
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Do I trust a recovering alcoholic?
Hi everyone,
I'm new here. Found this forum and thought this would be the best place to get advice on the alcoholic in my life. For the last few months I have been talking with a bf from my past who told me he is an alcoholic with 3 yrs sobriety. Says he is working AA and goes to meetings, which I don't doubt at all. My concern is sometimes I feel like he lies to me about little things (why he does this I don't know) and I'm not sure if these lies are red flags I should be concerned with or is it just my imagination running wild. He says he loves me and would never go back to drinking because of all the damage he has caused over the years. I'm just very unsure and very apprehensive about moving forward with this relationship and just need some advice and insight into what to expect (in terms of behaviors) from a recovering alcoholic. He just leaves me feeling really confused sometimes and I usually end up shrugging the feeling off as if it's just my imagination running wild. Any advice is appreciated. Thank you!
I'm new here. Found this forum and thought this would be the best place to get advice on the alcoholic in my life. For the last few months I have been talking with a bf from my past who told me he is an alcoholic with 3 yrs sobriety. Says he is working AA and goes to meetings, which I don't doubt at all. My concern is sometimes I feel like he lies to me about little things (why he does this I don't know) and I'm not sure if these lies are red flags I should be concerned with or is it just my imagination running wild. He says he loves me and would never go back to drinking because of all the damage he has caused over the years. I'm just very unsure and very apprehensive about moving forward with this relationship and just need some advice and insight into what to expect (in terms of behaviors) from a recovering alcoholic. He just leaves me feeling really confused sometimes and I usually end up shrugging the feeling off as if it's just my imagination running wild. Any advice is appreciated. Thank you!
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 534
Run Forrest, Run!
Seriously though, there seems to be some recipe for disaster with the "someone from my past" + "in recovery" or "might have this silly little drinking problem" equation. I don't know why, but there are a lot of people on here like that.
And I have learned above all - trust my gut. Sounds like yours is telling you something.
Seriously though, there seems to be some recipe for disaster with the "someone from my past" + "in recovery" or "might have this silly little drinking problem" equation. I don't know why, but there are a lot of people on here like that.
And I have learned above all - trust my gut. Sounds like yours is telling you something.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the Sober Recovery Family!
You will find lots of information and support here. I recommend reading in the permanent (sticky) posts at the top of this forum. You will find some of our stories posted there and lots of wisdom!
Trust your gut! Your instincts, your intuition, your true self are all trying to tell you something is off in this friends life.
Be patient, more will be revealed.
Pull out the keyboard and make yourself at home!
You will find lots of information and support here. I recommend reading in the permanent (sticky) posts at the top of this forum. You will find some of our stories posted there and lots of wisdom!
Trust your gut! Your instincts, your intuition, your true self are all trying to tell you something is off in this friends life.
Be patient, more will be revealed.
Pull out the keyboard and make yourself at home!
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,908
Welcome to SR! Glad you found us. You say you have been talking with someone from your past. Do you mean talking in person or online? If it's online, I wouldn't believe a thing he says. If it's in person, I agree with the others, go with your gut. If he is already lying to you, that speaks volumes.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
My XA wasn't in recovery....I didn't realize until later that he is a full fledged alcoholic.
In the beginning, I too felt a lot of confusion, and I also shrugged it off as me reading too much into it. He told little lies in the beginning too....one's which I really didn't want to acknowledge. I now realize it was lie after lie after lie....eventually in the end a big hurtful lie.
Alcoholic or not....Lies are big red flags. In my experience, if someone has a pattern of lying in the beginning, it will do nothing but get worse.
I learned a huge life lesson which I needed to learn this year but .....
I WISH I HAD LISTENED TO MY GUT AND HUNG UP THE PHONE AND NEVER EVER ANSWERED IT WHEN HE CALLED AFTER THE 2ND TIME.
Trust yourself, if something doesn't feel quite right, it probably isn't.
HUGS :ghug3
In the beginning, I too felt a lot of confusion, and I also shrugged it off as me reading too much into it. He told little lies in the beginning too....one's which I really didn't want to acknowledge. I now realize it was lie after lie after lie....eventually in the end a big hurtful lie.
Alcoholic or not....Lies are big red flags. In my experience, if someone has a pattern of lying in the beginning, it will do nothing but get worse.
I learned a huge life lesson which I needed to learn this year but .....
I WISH I HAD LISTENED TO MY GUT AND HUNG UP THE PHONE AND NEVER EVER ANSWERED IT WHEN HE CALLED AFTER THE 2ND TIME.
Trust yourself, if something doesn't feel quite right, it probably isn't.
HUGS :ghug3
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Join Date: Apr 2010
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Thank you Wanting, this is exactly the kind of feedback I've been looking for. He comes on strong with the "I love you's" and other terms of affection, but sometimes I get the feeling he is just telling me what he thinks I want to hear. I love him, I really do. I'm just scared to death at what I might be blindly getting myself into since I have no experience dealing with an alcoholic or a recovering one at that.
Anyone else with feedback....I'm all ears tonight! Thanks!
Anyone else with feedback....I'm all ears tonight! Thanks!
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 534
"I love you" (and other hysterical bonding) too early on is a huge red flag and very common for alcoholics. That actually gives me a little clue as to why these "blast from the past" relationships are so common here. I bet it is easy to convince one's self that the I-love-you-too-early rule is inapplicable when you knew one another before.
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Thank Pelican, I am looking forward to reading up and educating myself in any way possible about this disease and how NOT to get sucked into the drama I've read so much about.
Suki44883 - We've only been talking on the phone, but have discussed meeting face to face again soon. It's been more than 15 yrs since we've seen each other. Funny though, he wants to come to me rather than me go see him. Is that another red flag?
Kittyboo, thank you so much for your advice. Again this is the kind of feedback I've been looking for. I think deep down I needed to hear this to confirm what my gut has been telling me all along, I just needed the voices of experience to confirm my gut suspicions. And, it's not that I think he is drinking. It's that I don't think I will ever be able to trust this person with my heart.
Suki44883 - We've only been talking on the phone, but have discussed meeting face to face again soon. It's been more than 15 yrs since we've seen each other. Funny though, he wants to come to me rather than me go see him. Is that another red flag?
Kittyboo, thank you so much for your advice. Again this is the kind of feedback I've been looking for. I think deep down I needed to hear this to confirm what my gut has been telling me all along, I just needed the voices of experience to confirm my gut suspicions. And, it's not that I think he is drinking. It's that I don't think I will ever be able to trust this person with my heart.
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Wanting, you hit the nail on the head for me tonight...WOW! We had a relationship for a couple of years a very long time ago and he never poured on the "I love you's" back then. Actually, I couldn't get him to tell me how he felt about me at all. So, hearing him profess his love so quickly (within weeks) really took me by surprise! Thanks you for enlightening me to this common alcoholic behavior. Wow, my head is still spinning from this realization.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
I also hadn't seen mine in 15 years...we went to high school together.
He has other issues besides alcoholism, but we also got reconnected over the phone. Hours apon hours of "sincere" conversation which hooked me.
I TRIED to visit him a few times, and though he said he wanted me to, he ALWAYS seemed to have an excuse to back out. HUGE RED FLAG.
He was staying at a friends house at the time, sleeping on a mattress..... and he said to me "I just don't have a lot of money right now"....I did everything I could to assure him that those things didn't matter to me.
Another time he said to me "i'm just afraid that you think I am more than I am"
He was right!!! There was a BIG reason that he did not want me to see who he was in his natural habitat. He was not proud of himself, and he felt I would not accept him.
The things he was worried about, I would have accepted.....had he been honest, and not an alcoholic.
I would say it's a huge red flag. There is something he doesn't want you to see....and there's a reason for it. This is just my experience with it, but I would pay attention to that too.
I know it's a tough situation. It sounds like you're still in the beginning stages where you can save yourself from possibly feeling a lot of pain.
He has other issues besides alcoholism, but we also got reconnected over the phone. Hours apon hours of "sincere" conversation which hooked me.
I TRIED to visit him a few times, and though he said he wanted me to, he ALWAYS seemed to have an excuse to back out. HUGE RED FLAG.
He was staying at a friends house at the time, sleeping on a mattress..... and he said to me "I just don't have a lot of money right now"....I did everything I could to assure him that those things didn't matter to me.
Another time he said to me "i'm just afraid that you think I am more than I am"
He was right!!! There was a BIG reason that he did not want me to see who he was in his natural habitat. He was not proud of himself, and he felt I would not accept him.
The things he was worried about, I would have accepted.....had he been honest, and not an alcoholic.
I would say it's a huge red flag. There is something he doesn't want you to see....and there's a reason for it. This is just my experience with it, but I would pay attention to that too.
I know it's a tough situation. It sounds like you're still in the beginning stages where you can save yourself from possibly feeling a lot of pain.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
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It didn't survive only because I moved out of the state. Even if I had stayed I don't think the relationship would have lasted anyway. I really loved him back then, but i remember even back then he would tell me little lies and some big ones. I always thought about him over the years, and having reconnected after all these years I think I let my emotions get carried away and cloud my judgement on this person. This forum is really helping me to see clearly that his actions toward me are a concern and I should listen to my gut instincts.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
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Originally Posted by CatLover1234 
alcoholic with 3 yrs sobriety. Says he is working AA and goes to meetings, which I don't doubt at all.
What does his sponsor say about rekindling the old flame?
Has he been married?
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Kittyboo I think you are exactly right in that there is something about his life he doesn't want me to see. That's been one of my gut feelings. I am so glad I posted on this forum. I can't tell you all enough how thankful I am for your advice and for sharing your experiences with me. It has truly helped me tonight. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!
today4me
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 311
Read the thread about the Big O. It is a good story that is similiar to meeting another with a full cup. I would give him another chance and really study or sense if he's trying to fit into your life. Remember.....he should roll along with you.
You did a very, very good thing posting this question on here. I would say a HP brought you here. This is a sign or a direction given to you. It's your choice now from here. Be strong, be patient.
My relationship started with I love you very, very quickly. I still love her, but have let her go to be with God. Once you fall in love, it is very, very hard to pull away.
You did a very, very good thing posting this question on here. I would say a HP brought you here. This is a sign or a direction given to you. It's your choice now from here. Be strong, be patient.
My relationship started with I love you very, very quickly. I still love her, but have let her go to be with God. Once you fall in love, it is very, very hard to pull away.
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Captainzing2000, I've caught him in a few little "white lies" these last few months. Didn't confront him on them, just let them slide. I figured he had his reasons for doing it. But lately it's been bothering me and now I find myself doubting other things he says. The little white lies and the quick "I love you's" really got me thinking tonight on the possibility that I was overlooking some red flags.
Pelican, he tells me when he is going to these meetings which seems to be once, sometimes twice a week. I've believed him on that statement, but I'm actually not certain for sure. He could be lying about that too now that I think about it. As for what his sponsor thinks about him reconnecting with an old flame, he hasn't told me what his sponsor says he should do. However, he did tell me that he talks ABOUT ME to his sponsor. I wonder if there is something there that I should be "reading between the lines."
Pelican, he tells me when he is going to these meetings which seems to be once, sometimes twice a week. I've believed him on that statement, but I'm actually not certain for sure. He could be lying about that too now that I think about it. As for what his sponsor thinks about him reconnecting with an old flame, he hasn't told me what his sponsor says he should do. However, he did tell me that he talks ABOUT ME to his sponsor. I wonder if there is something there that I should be "reading between the lines."
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