SoloMio

I had a talk with #1 son tonight--he's 32. Because he has always acted the role of the first-born and has been very lucid and rationale and forthcoming with how he feels, I felt comfortable in telling him that 1) I was very concerned about his dad's drinking and 2) maybe we, as a family (him and me and his three siblings) should discuss the fact that their dad is basically killing himself and 3) I wanted to give him a heads-up that I may be calling him from a different town because I, personally, can no longer live with the consequences of his dad's drinking.

His reaction was interesting and not what I expected... he basically sounds like, even though he would be devastated to not have his dad for a full normal lifespan because of his drinking, he's come to terms with his dad doing what he is doing. Maybe this is what will happen--a demise by choosing to drink. Maybe it won't. But after I offered him information on alcoholism (actually, I offered him the book "Under the Influence" which I learned about here) and told him that at this point he has to know that his dad's chemistry is working against him big-time, he said, email me what you would like me to read, and I'll read it.

My DD is addicted to watching the show Intervention, yet when I asked her what the outcome usually is, she says, usually it's not very good--people go back to drinking/using.

So I wonder if my kids have this acceptance thing down a lot better than I do.

I also wonder if my son is going through denial in not seeing how bad his dad is getting, or whether he's actually healthier than me in accepting his dad for who he is. So I gave him kudos for the way he was accepting what he cannot change--and I did reinforce that at this point, I do need to step out of his dad's business, and that detachment for me might mean physically removing myself from what I find to be a really painful situation.

yorkiegirl

My dad stopped drinking completely about 24 years ago. I am in my late 40s. I can maybe count four or five times, my dad fell off the wagon. He'd go years of not drinking. It STILL affects me in almost every possible way. It does sound like your adult children are handling it well (sort of in a resigned way). They may not see or feel the gravity of this until they enter relationships, have children, have certain experiences that force them to look within very deeply. . .

I used to watch Intervention & just cry & cry, as my AH came home at all hours drunk & high on pot. I read a lot of literature too, trying to understand. . .it helped me cope w/ my (R)AH pre-recovery before I sought Alanon, counseling, etc. Even if your adult children are handling it well, it never hurts to get support! The impact of alcohol addiction is lifelong for us family members too!

Your, your children & your AH are in my thoughts. Thank you for posting.

coyote21

You mentioned your son may be in denial.

Of all the crappy consequences that go along with this family disease of alcoholism, I find denial the most bazaar and fascinating aspect.

I see it in my axw in regard to the very real possibility of her premature death. I see it in her mom believing what she NEEDS to believe about her daughters drinking. I've seen it in myself over and over in retrospect as I've been able to accept the reality of our situation.

Your kids may be in denial, it is sometimes very necessary to protect ourselves. I just had a very good lesson on NOT trying to snap someone out of their denial too early.

Or they may simply not see how bad dad is because they don't have the front row seat you have. Nobody that doesn't live with active alcoholism really understands how bad it gets.

Man I get it, hope you're able to get some distance soon.

I also understand your wanting to lessen the impact on your kids, me too. I don't think we can, it's just hard for everyone.

Take care.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

SoloMio

Yeah, that might be part of it... and my son acknowledged that--he said that "If Dad is a meteor headed for a planet, we just see the sparks [i.e., the fun and fireworks, the paying the tab, the being the party animal]--we don't see it when the meteor hits the planet, which is you."

True enough... which is why this planet is moving into another orbit.

Still Waters

It doesn't sound like denial to me really, not the type of denial I've seen in action anyway. It takes time Solo, for everyone to change from playing the alcoholic game to a healthier way of dealing with it all.

LexieCat

I think that's very insightful. Your kids don't have to live with him--they are adults only vaguely aware of the day-to-day details of your existence. Which is, really, how it should be, I think.

There's nothing they can do about their dad's drinking, either, and sometimes just loving a parent without being sucked into the drama is best for all concerned. Sounds more like healthy detachment than denial.

Glad you are changing your orbit!