Mambo Queen

I guess I don't really need "reassurance", just encouragement and support. Today is a difficult day for me. My XAH, who I have been basically "no contact" with for two weeks now, wrote in the last email I read of his that today is the day he will be put out of the motel he's been staying at because he will be officially out of money. For all I know, he has found an alternative to homelessness, but I don't really know what it would be because the last I knew, he had burned every family/friend bridge he had, pretty much.

I won't go into my entire background with him, read my previous posts for that if you wish, but suffice to say that I gave him a lot of monetary help beginning in July because he had been fired for a job through no fault of his own that time, and was looking homelessness in the face then, so I gave him enough money to stay in this motel while he found and got another job and started collecting paychecks.

I was "paid back" for this help by continually being badgered to get back with him, guilt tripped when I refused, and with him ultimately getting fired for the job for showing up to work smelling like alcohol (at 6 in the morning, I might add).

I finally decided I wasn't strong enough to still speak with him and be able to refuse his pleas for help, so no contact was my only option.

We do have a daughter--she's six. I finally decided with regards to her that if he is losing jobs for smelling like booze in the morning, he doesn't deserve to see her, and that he knew how to reach me (through my parents) if he ever wanted to get it together enough to say, "I'm sober currently and I'd like to see my daughter". Technically, he's supposed to have her 8 days a month. But we haven't followed that for a LONG time, and technically, he's also supposed to pay me child support, and that hasn't happened in almost a year.

So today, I am refusing all of his calls, smashed my cell phone up that was the number he used to call me on, and will not let him see his daughter unless he wants to get sober and call my parents and ask them about it. And he may be going into a homeless shelter today, or begin panhandling and sleeping on the streets. It's making me a little sick to my stomach to think about it, but I do feel I'm doing the right thing.

I have one niggling guilt trip that occured to me last night. This last job he got fired from, and the one before that, were both kitchen (line cook) jobs. He's told me many times before that the work is too physically demanding for him and being in a restaurant environment makes it hard to stay sober. I've always encouraged him to take any job he could get if it meant he didn't have to be homeless. So I do feel bad now when I think of him being unemployable at the age of 42. He's a law school graduate, very bright. I know he doesn't want to work in kitchens, but no one else would hire him. It would make my codie brain feel better if I could think of some career option he could do in the future if he ever got it together, but what if it's too late? But then I think, my advice, my help, never worked, and my pea brain can't concieve of all the doors in the world that may open up to him along the way, if he can ever get off the path of self-destruction he's been on.

So, I'm doing the right thing, right? And I can breathe easier knowing that some people are able to come out of homelessness, addiction, and despair, and still be able to survive in this world sober, right? Right??

MsPINKAcres

((Mambo))

Please look at it from this point of view -

If you help your ex then could be robbing him of the dignity, self-respect and self-worth of finding his own way. He is 42 yrs old - Just imagine what a great self-esteem booster this could be if he DOES manage to think for himself, figure it out and find a better way -

Any your efforts prior to this have not really "helped" him too much or he probably wouldn't be in the situation he is in today?

Maybe continuing to step completely out of the way will allow HIM and HIS HP the ability to work out what is best for his life.

It is difficult - but please remember - nothing is impossible when it comes to restoration thru a willing heart, an open mind and a great HP - your ex will just have to become that way.

Only HE and HIS HP can do that!

PINK HUGS to you & your family!

Rita

nodaybut2day

It's really not up to you to think up a magic solution for his life. It's also not your fault that he wasn't able to stay sober in whatever job he took, nevermind that you suggested him. Furthermore, it's not up to you to bear the responsibility of his lost potential. Those things belong to him and him alone.

Release yourself from this burden mama; you have done enough.

Damn straight.

suki44883

Yep, you are doing the right thing. He isn't interested in improving his life, he just wants someone (you) to take care of him. Let him take care of his own problems and you continue to take care of yourself.

Still Waters

I'm working hard and I don't leave socks laying about, and don't drink...want to come take care of me? LOL.

I'm kidding Mambo, I think you're doing the exact right thing. Put that guilt away, it's a total waste of your energy. He's a big boy, let him handle his own life, it's about time he did.

Bernadette

I find sometimes substituting a phrase or word for a few months has helped me break a codie habit of mind.

For example - I used to do the same thing in regards to my educated, charming, talented A brothers. Try to "help" them find the right job, gal, apartment, recovery program whatever!

Then I heard a lady in AlAnon talk about how she started using the phrase "get in the way of" instead of "help." She had the whole meeting in an uproar of laughter because her examples were SO funny and really showed the ludicrous nature of the idea of helping a man "at the age of 42. He's a law school graduate, very bright." with career ideas!

So I tried it for a while when I would get into a codie funk and be obsessing about one of my bros and their sad lives and their potential etc etc you obviously know the drill. If my thoughts were -- oooh I bet #1Bro would be a great chemistry teacher - he loves kids and he is so good at chem, how can I get in the way of making that happen?!!

It always made me chuckle and brought me back into the moment and back to acceptance of my powerlessness over other people. It's just not MY job to interfere with other people's destinies. Only they can find their own way, and I am not helping, I am getting in the way of when I think I have any sway or control or especially when I have a GREAT IDEA!!!

Let him go. Offer up some good vibes or prayers that he find his own way, because that is the ONLY way.

Peace-
B

Bernadette

Thinking back to those old AlAnon meetings I remember that same lady sharing once about her new "5 to 1 rule."

Whenever she had a brilliant idea about how to help her exH she would write it down - and then she made herself write down 5 things she needed to do to help herself. And she told herself she couldn't offer her brilliant suggestion to exH until she had helped herself in those 5 ways.

She said she only had to do it once because she was NEVER able to actually follow through and help herself 5 ways!! She was so funny. She said her list was like - start exercising weekly to improve health and lose weight, apply for master's program she was thinking about, find new apartment, etc. And she was like "Hell if I can't even get to #3 then what business do I have telling anyone else what to do!"

I gotta tell you, she was a very serene and happy person, and she had been through the same nightmares as all of us!

Peace-
B

veryregretful

Thank you for posting this thread.

My AH is out of the house two weeks ago. He has no job, I gave him $600 the day he left, he has also burned alot of bridges.

I feel bad, of course, he is a human being. I made it easy for him here. Way to easy.

If he wanted help, he would ask me for help and go to treatment. Then I would probably take him back. Instead he still accuses me of things. Instead he yells to turn the blame on me.

It's up to him. It's going to get cold here. I don't know who else is going to let him stay with them and not give them any money.

I'm in the same boat you are and am wondering the same thing. It is out of my hands though. He knows what he has to do.

I'm not cold hearted but I feel like it sometimes. Hopefully your XAH and my AH finally hit bottom and find treatment.

fourmaggie

YEP YEP and DOUBLE YEP!

NOWits time for your recovery and your daughters!! go to AL ANON...stick to your boundaries....

this is all good in my books...