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This is a never ending circle of pain and I donīt know what else 2 do! please help me

Old 09-04-2010, 03:34 PM
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Unhappy This is a never ending circle of pain and I donīt know what else 2 do! please help me

Iīm new here but I think that I will get support and advise of people that is going thru the same things that Iīm going thru, I have been in a relationship for 2 years since the moment I met him I felt the greatest chemestry between the 2 of us and I fell in love with him sooo quickly the time went by and I started to realize that he had a drinking problem but I loved him so much that I was just there to support him!

I guess that at the beginning it was kind of my fault because we both went out all the time to have a few drinks but time went by and he started doing it very often like 3 or 4 times a week and he drank until he got unconscious, we broke up a lot of times but I always return to him because I feel like Iīm his world and everytime I broke up with him he starts to call me like 100 times a day and sending me texts and sending me emails that I feel soo bad and I feel so alone that I end up getting back with him! Iīm a completely different person now I donīt drink anymore I hate parties because of the alcohol Iīm not a fun person anymore and Iīm only 24 years old and I feel like 40 on the inside because of all of the crazy things that Iīve been thru because of him! I donīt even have friends anymore because all of my friends hates him, my family has seen him on his worse moments and they feel desperate because they donīt know what else to do in order for me to get over him but what anybody else knows is that he treats me like a princess when he is sober he does everything for me he loves soooo much and I know that because of his past he has psycological problems and he is aware of his problem and he always starts going to AA but only for a few weeks and then he starts drinking again, the longest time that he has been sober is like 1 month and it was the happiest month of my life.

I guess that one of the major issues are her 2 daughters he has the most awful relationship with his ex and everytime that he receives a call from her they start to fight and he automatically starts drinking he always has excuses for drinking, and I am totally aware that he is not good for me but I really donīt know what to do to get away from him because everytime that I broke up with him he becomes like crazy calling me and he doesnīt leave me alone I have changed my phone number twice but he always finds a way to get it and then I talk to him and then I end up getting back with him!!! I donīt know if itīs still love what I feel for him or if I only feel so bad because he is alone in this world. I just broke up with him 2 days ago and I really need to know a way to get out of this crazy life Iīm living I donīt want to get back to him just because I miss him I want to know a way out!!! please help me
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Old 09-04-2010, 03:43 PM
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Sorry to hear that things are tough for you at the moment. Would it help to say that your story is not uncommon?

Have a read around and look at the sticky posts at the top of the forum. Have you been to any Al-anon meetings? The book Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie is highly recommended.

Hope you stick around.
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Old 09-04-2010, 03:54 PM
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I just broke up with him 2 days ago and I really need to know a way to get out of this crazy life Iīm living I donīt want to get back to him just because I miss him I want to know a way out!!! please help me
The way out is to keep him out. You broke up with him, the way to get out of the crazy life you're living is to stay broken up with him.

Alcoholism is a progressive disorder. He won't get better, he'll only get worse. That one fabulous month will be a distant memory. That's not to say he'll never find recovery and sober up, he might. But you could waste many many years of YOUR life waiting for him to do that. Are you prepared to waste those years?
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Old 09-04-2010, 03:56 PM
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Alejandra, honey, please know that we are here and we have been through (and many of us are still going through) what you are going through.

First, do you have Al-Anon where you live? Here is a link: How to find a meeting in the US/Canada/Puerto Rico for you to go to and find a meeting if you live in these countries. If you do not live in US/Canada/Puerto Rico, just google "Al-Anon" with the name of your city. If you need someone to give you a ride, you can call the phone number for your local Al-Anon and someone will come pick you up. When I was in the same situation as you, I went to Al-Anon and it literally saved my life. What you are going through is very stressful and you should get support. It is good that you have reached out here on SoberRecovery for support. But I strongly recommend that you go to some Al-Anon meetings so that you can get real, live support in your own community.

Alcoholism is an insidious disease that harms the people who love the alcoholic. So, I am glad you have had the courage to stand up and say you do not want this in your life anymore. Good for you!!!! You are taking THE RIGHT steps toward having a healthy life! Keep your head up high and keep making the decision to live in a healthy way.

Please know that NONE of this, NONE of his behavior is your fault. Remember the Three C's: You did not Cause it, You cannot Control it, and You cannot Cure it.
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Old 09-04-2010, 03:58 PM
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Have you tried blocking his number from your phone? If you refuse to have any contact with him whatsoever, he cannot draw you back into the chaos.
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Old 09-04-2010, 04:12 PM
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Hi Alejandra. Welcome to SR. I agree with L2L about finding an al-anon meeting (or several) to attend. Can you find other support as well (such as your family)?

Sometimes just having no contact with the alcoholic is the best way to detach from him.
Just because the phone rings or the doorbell chimes ~ it doesn't mean you have to answer it.

I'm sorry that you are in so much pain... stay strong! Kerbearz
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Old 09-04-2010, 04:16 PM
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Welcome

As you can see - we pretty much just jump right in ...

you'll be amazed at how many of the people here
understand completely what you've been going through
because we've gone through it as well.

I hope you'll have a read around
the stickies at the top of the forum are informative
and read some of the other threads as well.

It'll help you see that you're not alone.

Welcome!
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Old 09-04-2010, 07:13 PM
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Can I just say how much I love to see all of you pouring out love to this girl? You're in the right place Alejandra. Keep coming back.
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Old 09-05-2010, 04:57 AM
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Originally Posted by Alejandra View Post
I guess that at the beginning it was kind of my fault because we both went out all the time to have a few drinks

Alejandra

first of all, above quoted: NOT. TRUE.
not even a little bit. please do not take ANY responsibility for another person's actions, illness, personality, color of underwear....anything.
would you blame him because you like roller coasters? even if he went on one with you at the amusement park? of course not.

secondly, i do understand. the super strong chemistry is sometimes an indicator that there is a strong but unhealthy pull. you may want to look at your history. have you been attracted to someone who is an addict before? (for me it was every man i was really drawn to. every one.)
do you have a family history of alcoholism? if you do, this makes perfect sense.

extricating myself from the relationship that i hoped would blossom into the greatest love of my life, was the most PAINFUL thing i have ever done. and i say that as someone who has been molested, had a miscarriage, ended an 18-year marriage, lost two businesses & went bankrupt.
you will get through it if you are committed. believe me, we can help. many of us did this years ago, some of us are going through it right now.

if nothing changes, nothing changes. please do not reunite with him. you're in the hardest part right now, but it WILL pass.
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Old 09-05-2010, 09:07 AM
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I just want to say thank you to all of you! today I have like 20 missed calls of him and because Iīm reading all of your great advises I have not answer any of those calls!! is so difficult my heart hurts so bad because I miss him but I donīt want to get hurt again by him!! Coffee drinker I guess that you are right about some things because in my family alcoholism and drougs has affected a lot I even had a cousin that died because of it!! and besides of that my dad died because of an accident years ago and when I found him I felt that I had someone to protect me again... I know that I have to be strong but my heart feels like it is broken in so many pieces
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Old 09-05-2010, 09:11 AM
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Oh and by the way I will start with that calendar today Leise, thanks to all of you for your support and advises you guys are really helping me a lot!!
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Old 09-05-2010, 09:19 AM
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Hang in there!

Alejandra,

I too felt what I thought was a "strong chemistry" between me and my XABF. Since we have been apart for 1 month now, I can "see things" more clearly. What I thought was chemistry, was really me feeling lonely looking for someone to "rescue." He was so lonely and broken due to his alcoholism I couldn't resist.

I realized this truth when I asked myself if I met a smart, caring, sober and healthy guy would I still be hung up on XABF? Probably NOT.

The only way I have found to regain my life and sanity is to stop all contact. I changed my number and moved to a new place. Even if he gets my number, I can have him blocked... or just chose not to respond, like I would a telemarketer.

It's not easy, by any means... I struggle everyday with feeling guilt, with missing the "good times" which were very rare. Support from family, friends, Alanon, reading Melody's books and posting here have been a tremendous help.

It takes courage and strength to do this and I believe you can!
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Old 09-05-2010, 09:38 AM
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Please know that NONE of this, NONE of his behavior is your fault.


Remember the Three C's:
You did not Cause it
You cannot Control it, and
You cannot Cure it.

for rite now that is all you need to remember...and that this is HIS problem...HIS responsilbity...

GET OUT and now, set boundaries and STICK WITH THEM!!! that is what they are there for...

these wonderful ladies can tell you...the wasted time and energy with the A's in their lives...but are here now to SHARE their stories
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Old 09-05-2010, 03:07 PM
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Originally Posted by Alejandra View Post
I know that I have to be strong but my heart feels like it is broken in so many pieces
and i'd like to suggest reading the book: "abandonment" by susan k anderson; also have you considered therapy? this stuff is trauma; it is real; we need to heal emotionally and get on a different path for our futures.
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Old 09-05-2010, 03:46 PM
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Sorry you are going through this. I keep reading these stories of how things get worse, they don't recover, the crazy continues and my heart aches both for those posting and for myself.

If I knew the answer about why we do what we do or feel what we feel then I'd gladly share. We are human, we care but we have limits. Sounds like your feelings are being held hostage by him.

But It sounds like what he is doing is a bit excessive, escalating even and that concerns me. I don't know. You also mentioned he has psych problems in addition to the behaviors caused by the drinking.

I could be speculating but just be safe and if you feel that he has really gone off the deep end, there are places you can call. Or come back here and talk to us because yeah, it is a crazy thing but you almost sound scared of him and that concerns me.
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Old 09-06-2010, 09:50 AM
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Well heīs never been violent with me but he doesnīt give up that easily last time we broke up was for around a month and he called me, text me and emailed me every single day he keeps saying that Iīm the love of his life and that he will not give up on me I think that is the most difficult part because Iīm totally sure that if he didnīt called me or anything everything will be so much easier for me. But Iīm extremely thankful to all of you because whenever I feel like answering a call or something I just come here and read everything and that stops me even though I feel sad
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Old 09-06-2010, 10:06 AM
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Complete no contact is the way to go. He doesn't have a right to have a relationship with you even if you are the 'love of his life'. Block the number, delete the texts, and if he gets through on another number that isn't blocked, just hang up as soon as you know it's him.

Harassment is not love. Stalking is not love. Calling 100 times a day is not love. Love is very different.

He's trying to force you into being what he wants you to be, ignoring what you are. That's not love. If he loved you, he'd let you go. He can't let you go because he believes he owns you. It's not the wild destined passion of a soul mate. It's the cruel determination of a man who insist he's going to crush you into his ideal by willpower and whatever else he can come up with.

Every day you he doesn't hear your voice or gets a response from you, is a day you win. Suddenly after a while, you will have gone so long without communicating with him, you will feel sick at the thought of it. It won't be hard any more.

As soon as he finds someone else to cater to his neediness, he'll drop you like a hot rock. Until then, hold firm and don't respond. Can you turn off your phone so don't even know he's trying to get in touch and just use it to make out-going calls? Or can you put it on silence in your bottom drawer, and then get a cheap pay as you go go-phone for use with you and trusted friends? He'll keep calling the old number, but you won't know...

It'll be easier on you.
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Old 09-06-2010, 10:27 AM
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Harassment is not love. Stalking is not love. Calling 100 times a day is not love. Love is very different.

often wondered how to tell my friend this .... moment
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Old 09-06-2010, 11:32 AM
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Hi Alejandra.

I am 28 and lived a similar story. That ended 2 years ago approx, when I realized he was going to drink whatever, whenever, regardless of what impact his drinking had in "our relationship".

It was a very hard time for me. No contact is the first step and it was very difficult for me, it was accepting it was going to be over for good. I also asked him not to contact me again. I blocked him from my email.

I also stopped drinking/socializing and was depressed for months. I thought: if only I was thin enough, prettier, more fun or interesting..

With the help of SR and a therapist (and some AA meetings) I have realized these people are sick before we met them, have been sick all this time, and will continue to abuse a substance regardless of who is around. And no, love is nowhere around those broken promises. I recall XABF cried and cried for a whole day saying the usual phrase

I PROMISE THAT THIS WILL NEVER, EVER HAPPEN AGAIN!!! EVER!!

Then the next night it happened, and during the weekend, and on Monday, and over and over and over again, everytime the same horrible hurt, every time the empty promises. It is a cycle of abuse.

Go no contact. If he calls you can hang up, turn off the mobile phone. Block him in Facebook, email, delete his pictures.... all this was a long process for me, but now I feel much better, and if I could do it you can do it. After some time you will get a much clearer picture about who he was, and who you are. And when you do this separation and focus on who you are, many gifts will be sent your way, you will heal and become stronger, wiser. Happier.
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Old 09-06-2010, 07:49 PM
  # 20 (permalink)  
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The pain will go away...it will not always hurt this much.
You are in the right place, as I see you have already come to know. Keep coming back, and take care of yourself.
When I left my XABF, the pain was unbearable. It's ok to love someone, and to miss them, but there is nothing you need to do about it.
One day at a time.
Alanon has been a great help to me. Courage to Change is a great book of daily meditations perfect for staying focussed on you and your well being.
Hang in there. You can have a wonderful life ahead.
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