Alcohol, cigarettes now porn!
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 436
Alcohol, cigarettes now porn!
My AH and I are not speaking to each other (again) as I had a bad day at work on Friday, he asked how my day had been and I told him the basics about why I was upset with some nasty office politics. He had been drinking and as the night wore on he started picking a fight with me which because of my attendance at Al-anon and reading books on the subject of detachment/codependancy etc, ended with me telling him that I wasnt discussing anything with him whilst he had been drinking and him going to bed threatening divorce.
After I thought that he had gone to bed I went out to my car for something and I caught my AH outside by the back door. When I asked what he was doing he said, 'getting some fresh air'. After he had finally gone to bed, I had a look at where he had been standing and there was a cigarette butt. A quick look around the utility room and I found the packet of cigarettes.
In the morning, he was coughing and I couldnt help but say 'smokers cough?', so I know he knows that I know that he is smoking. Sorry for the Friends punn there.
For a few nights following my AH has been sitting on the computer in the evening and our adult daughter had mentioned to me the previous night about her dad 'surfing' as he has had a previous internet affair. So tonight, after he had gone to bed I thought that I would check out the internet history. My AH is a bit of a computer novice, so doesnt know about this. Sure enough, pages and pages of porn sites. He has even been getting up at 4.45am to visit the sites until 5.30am when he gets ready to go to work and straight back on them when he gets home at about 3pm and again in the evening for a couple of hours whilst I am watching telly.
I am hurt and upset, of course, but also wondering why I am so surprised by this. I knew he would have been up to something, the signs were there. They really do loose all aspects of their self respect dont they?
I really have come to the end of my tether, I cant and wont take it any more.
After I thought that he had gone to bed I went out to my car for something and I caught my AH outside by the back door. When I asked what he was doing he said, 'getting some fresh air'. After he had finally gone to bed, I had a look at where he had been standing and there was a cigarette butt. A quick look around the utility room and I found the packet of cigarettes.
In the morning, he was coughing and I couldnt help but say 'smokers cough?', so I know he knows that I know that he is smoking. Sorry for the Friends punn there.
For a few nights following my AH has been sitting on the computer in the evening and our adult daughter had mentioned to me the previous night about her dad 'surfing' as he has had a previous internet affair. So tonight, after he had gone to bed I thought that I would check out the internet history. My AH is a bit of a computer novice, so doesnt know about this. Sure enough, pages and pages of porn sites. He has even been getting up at 4.45am to visit the sites until 5.30am when he gets ready to go to work and straight back on them when he gets home at about 3pm and again in the evening for a couple of hours whilst I am watching telly.
I am hurt and upset, of course, but also wondering why I am so surprised by this. I knew he would have been up to something, the signs were there. They really do loose all aspects of their self respect dont they?
I really have come to the end of my tether, I cant and wont take it any more.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Do you find that sneaking around behind him, trying to figure out what exactly he is doing, is satisfying or bringing you good feelings? I have done this kind of thing time and time again and I HATED it and the feelings it gave me.
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 53
This sounds so familiar, alcohol, cigarettes, video games, porn, weed.... It seems like my ABF can be addicted to anything - except caring about me. I too have done the sleuthing trying to figure out what he is up to. I've finally given up on that for the most part because one, he is too wily for me and I'll never catch him if he doesn't want to be caught, and two, because it induced so much anxiety in me that I felt physically ill.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
When addicts are not in recovery, they only change seats on the titanic. Meaning, they just replace one vice for the next.
My ex stopped drinking and took up late night internet surfing. Which turned to talking to many other woman, to late night poker to eventually an affair on line, which he says never went physical, but whatever, cheating is cheating.
It always leads to more because addicts have no impluse control. It's all about self destruction at any cost.
Today porn, tomorrow meeting up with these women for sex.
My ex stopped drinking and took up late night internet surfing. Which turned to talking to many other woman, to late night poker to eventually an affair on line, which he says never went physical, but whatever, cheating is cheating.
It always leads to more because addicts have no impluse control. It's all about self destruction at any cost.
Today porn, tomorrow meeting up with these women for sex.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
Originally Posted by Jaguar55 
This sounds so familiar, alcohol, cigarettes, video games, porn, weed.... It seems like my ABF can be addicted to anything - except caring about me. I too have done the sleuthing trying to figure out what he is up to. I've finally given up on that for the most part because one, he is too wily for me and I'll never catch him if he doesn't want to be caught, and two, because it induced so much anxiety in me that I felt physically ill.
Mistrust = to cancer
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Alexandria Township, NJ
Posts: 275
Porn in it's self is not the worst thing, just as cigarettes, bad for your health and expensive but not always a deal breaker.
My RAH did it all too and gambled some.
I think what bother me the most about it was just consistent deviant behavior.
Each thing alone is not such a big deal (when done in moderation of course) but if combined with him still drinking and all the misery that goes with that, those things can seem so much worse than they actually are.
When my RAH stopped drinking those other things went away too.
Hugs to you
My RAH did it all too and gambled some.
I think what bother me the most about it was just consistent deviant behavior.
Each thing alone is not such a big deal (when done in moderation of course) but if combined with him still drinking and all the misery that goes with that, those things can seem so much worse than they actually are.
When my RAH stopped drinking those other things went away too.
Hugs to you
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Wild West, USA
Posts: 407
I said at an alanon meeting once: Alcohol isn't his only addiction. Someone replied to me afterwards: There's hardly ever just one addiction.
My ex is/was a porn addict. No, porn itself may not be harmful, but having pics of strangers replace your physical relationship with your partner is. Hugs, and remember that it is not about you in any way. As my ex said, he could have married a supermodel and the same thing would have happened.
My ex is/was a porn addict. No, porn itself may not be harmful, but having pics of strangers replace your physical relationship with your partner is. Hugs, and remember that it is not about you in any way. As my ex said, he could have married a supermodel and the same thing would have happened.
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
My XAH ordered these tiny cameras and said they were for security for work. Ended up he put them in our bathroom......I cut the wires to shreads. He was also into taping/bugging the phone to hear who and what I was saying and talking to. I found a tape he had done of me getting dressed.....yuck....he IS my X. He was very into internet porn. Yuck.....so glad he is history.......
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Do you find that sneaking around behind him, trying to figure out what exactly he is doing, is satisfying or bringing you good feelings? I have done this kind of thing time and time again and I HATED it and the feelings it gave me.
And to be fair, he had lied so much I felt I needed to. And sure, it helped to have the truth finally, but I didn't know how to leave. I stayed, I stayed, I stayed. I did everything humanly possible to control him. To get him to stop with the affair, stop with the drinking. Stop treating me like crap. I just wanted him to love me. Today, i recognize that all as being controlled by my abandonment issues. The little kid in me was in control.
It wasn't until I left him that I was able to stop snooping, and seriously, we'd been seperated about 8 months at that! I was so tangled in that mess of his drinking, his affair and my obsession with him. Like a matt of water plants that you swim into. Ever do that? At the lake?
And just like those plants, I felt I was drowning. AH was doing done and taking me with him because I wouldn't let go. I didn't have the information, the skills.
Today I sometimes get the urge to snoop at his place, but I QUICKLY put that idea to bed and not for him, for me. No thank you.
But I'm in a totally different place. Now, as L2L says, it makes me feel horrible, mainly because I don't want that kind of relationship with him. What he does is his business. What I do is mine.
And can I say also, that i've been right where you are. Abandoned. Angry. Scared. At times, hopeless. But I left him last August. Left him and found this place and started focusing on myself and I'm so happy.
AH lives just down the street. We talk every day. We share a car. I don't know if we would still be friends if we didn't have kids, have to share resources right now. I am buying a car soon, that'll be a huge relief.
His drinking is escalating and I can see what's coming. But it's a rare day when any of this upsets me. To think that I'm here is a freaking miracle! I used to think about him day and night. Now, I think about my life, the kids and how to make the most beautiful life I can imagine.
Your name, yesbutnobut, is quite telling. Such indecisiveness. That place, that limbo, was especially debilitating for me. The longer i stayed in it, the worse I felt. The more I spiraled down into hopelessness.
But as i like to say here, if i can change my life, you can. You can do it!
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 581
My XAH was also addicted to weed, cigarettes, alcohol and porn. I knew about the weed, but then he stopped smoking it. When he stopped weed he drank more. When he stopped cigarettes he drank more and got irritable as hell.
One morning I came home from work unannounced because I had left my cell. He had left his laptop open. I checked his history - page after page of porn sites. I mean there must have been 20. I actually began to laugh. I tried to bring it up with him later and he shut down completely and accused me of everything you can imagine. I tried really hard to talk it over with him in a caring way - not accusatory - but he was furious and defensive.
I then started looking at his cellphone bills, his facebook friends, his backpack, his wallet. I got really out of control with my dis-ease. WHO IS HE? I wondered. What does he do when alone? My stomach would be in knots as I sat down to look at trails of his life...I wanted yet didn't want to "catch" him. I guess maybe by catching him, I would have proof and Bam, my decision would be made for me. It was awful, no way to live. I was reduced to sub human!
I even...looked through the garbage he threw out, when I returned from a work trip.
(I found many beers, and awful crappy food like cakes, and chocolate milk and etc) - I felt like he was a 14 year old boy sneaking around when Mommy goes away.
I cried, and cried....where is my grown up? Where is a man I can trust? Who is this stranger? This addict I don't know?
Al Anon helped me so much.
We are now divorced. I have no idea what he does in his spare time and I have no way of checking so I am free.
The disease affects all of us and it is not easy. But we have to make our HEADS the place we can live. My head was driving me nuts. I could not do it...could never be with him since I would always be wondering.
One morning I came home from work unannounced because I had left my cell. He had left his laptop open. I checked his history - page after page of porn sites. I mean there must have been 20. I actually began to laugh. I tried to bring it up with him later and he shut down completely and accused me of everything you can imagine. I tried really hard to talk it over with him in a caring way - not accusatory - but he was furious and defensive.
I then started looking at his cellphone bills, his facebook friends, his backpack, his wallet. I got really out of control with my dis-ease. WHO IS HE? I wondered. What does he do when alone? My stomach would be in knots as I sat down to look at trails of his life...I wanted yet didn't want to "catch" him. I guess maybe by catching him, I would have proof and Bam, my decision would be made for me. It was awful, no way to live. I was reduced to sub human!
I even...looked through the garbage he threw out, when I returned from a work trip.
(I found many beers, and awful crappy food like cakes, and chocolate milk and etc) - I felt like he was a 14 year old boy sneaking around when Mommy goes away.
I cried, and cried....where is my grown up? Where is a man I can trust? Who is this stranger? This addict I don't know?
Al Anon helped me so much.
We are now divorced. I have no idea what he does in his spare time and I have no way of checking so I am free.
The disease affects all of us and it is not easy. But we have to make our HEADS the place we can live. My head was driving me nuts. I could not do it...could never be with him since I would always be wondering.
OSSSU!
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: West Palm Beach, Florida
Posts: 116
Originally Posted by Summerpeach
When addicts are not in recovery, they only change seats on the titanic. Meaning, they just replace one vice for the next.
My ex stopped drinking and took up late night internet surfing. Which turned to talking to many other woman, to late night poker to eventually an affair on line, which he says never went physical, but whatever, cheating is cheating.
It always leads to more because addicts have no impluse control. It's all about self destruction at any cost.
Today porn, tomorrow meeting up with these women for sex.
My ex stopped drinking and took up late night internet surfing. Which turned to talking to many other woman, to late night poker to eventually an affair on line, which he says never went physical, but whatever, cheating is cheating.
It always leads to more because addicts have no impluse control. It's all about self destruction at any cost.
Today porn, tomorrow meeting up with these women for sex.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 436
I have been going to Al-anon for quite a while now and 'trying' detachment. Alcohol and the unreasonable behaviours caused through him drinking wasnt enough for me to leave my marriage. Its quite funny really that its taken smoking and porn to make me finally know that I have to leave. I could forgive the alcohol but not the porn or smoking. In the past, with things like this, I would suggest going to marriage guidance councelling but I know differently now that councelling wont work due to the alcohol.
Dr Phil once said that if your partner did anything at all that he wouldnt do with you looking over his shoulder then he shouldnt be doing it. I still remember that and it was a programme about husbands surfing porn, or talking to girls at the bar. If your wife knows about porn and is happy for him to look at porn with their knowledge or contribution - fair enough. If you say an innocent hello to a girl at the bar and you would do the same if your wife was with you - fair enough - anything other, is not ok.
It is not acceptable to me for my AH to covertly smoke or visit these sites - its devious, unnaceptable behaviour that is abusive to our marriage and also leads to internet affairs as I have found in the past.
Yes thats me - indecisive. I am libra the scales star sign and very ying/yang.
I am definitely decisive about this one though - there is no way out of here for me. It now involves trust issues and a couldnt care less attitude and I cant/wont do anymore than I have already. Time to start looking after myself, making sure I keep a job and continuing to build a new life.
Dr Phil once said that if your partner did anything at all that he wouldnt do with you looking over his shoulder then he shouldnt be doing it. I still remember that and it was a programme about husbands surfing porn, or talking to girls at the bar. If your wife knows about porn and is happy for him to look at porn with their knowledge or contribution - fair enough. If you say an innocent hello to a girl at the bar and you would do the same if your wife was with you - fair enough - anything other, is not ok.
It is not acceptable to me for my AH to covertly smoke or visit these sites - its devious, unnaceptable behaviour that is abusive to our marriage and also leads to internet affairs as I have found in the past.
Your name, yesbutnobut, is quite telling. Such indecisiveness. That place, that limbo, was especially debilitating for me. The longer i stayed in it, the worse I felt. The more I spiraled down into hopelessness.
I am definitely decisive about this one though - there is no way out of here for me. It now involves trust issues and a couldnt care less attitude and I cant/wont do anymore than I have already. Time to start looking after myself, making sure I keep a job and continuing to build a new life.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Wild West, USA
Posts: 407
My daughter told me that her dad's gf goes through his email and his phone messages. I felt NOTHING except relief that I'm not with anyone who keeps secrets from me, and pity for her that she feels such a need. With my aexh, I didn't snoop... finding his websites accidentally was horrible enough; I had no desire to expand my misery.
"What do you think I felt like when I was stuck in traffic, morbidly thinking about what you were probably doing, and I got home and found out that I was right?" I demanded of my aexh, during our divorce.
He looked sheepish. "I'm sorry about that," he said. Whether it's alcohol or porn or dishonesty or neglect that hurts his partners, he's always sorry, I give him credit for that. But that's not enough to motivate him to quit.
Relationships absolutely do not have to be like that. My last boyfriend told me that there were very few questions I could ask about his life that he wouldn't answer. I made the choice to respect his privacy instead of asking and it felt GREAT.
"What do you think I felt like when I was stuck in traffic, morbidly thinking about what you were probably doing, and I got home and found out that I was right?" I demanded of my aexh, during our divorce.
He looked sheepish. "I'm sorry about that," he said. Whether it's alcohol or porn or dishonesty or neglect that hurts his partners, he's always sorry, I give him credit for that. But that's not enough to motivate him to quit.
Relationships absolutely do not have to be like that. My last boyfriend told me that there were very few questions I could ask about his life that he wouldn't answer. I made the choice to respect his privacy instead of asking and it felt GREAT.
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 436
I just wanted to add, that I have been extremely 'forgiving', trustful and respectful and would not ordinarily look at his private things. Whilst building up trust following his affair he allowed me (if I wanted/needed to) to look at his email account, this was suggested by the councellor at that time as a way of building back trust. I havent felt the need to look for a long, long time now. I do appreciate too, that if they know you are looking, they will be more sneaky and I am sure that if my husband was to have another internet affair, he would hide it well this time. I dont intend to mention that I know about his porn, I am done now - he can continue on his spiral of misery train wreck - but not with me on board!
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
I even...looked through the garbage he threw out, when I returned from a work trip.
And Miss. Libra-I"m glad you told us that because the Women of The Scales that I know aren't wishy washy or indecisive. They work to find balance, peace, equality and justice. And, because they're ruled by Venus (the Goddess of Love) they're delightfully devoted and sensual.
I'm sending love and justice your way.
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