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Feeling guilty

Old 09-13-2010, 11:21 AM
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TeM
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Feeling guilty

First of all, I'm not necessarily looking for sympathy, or answers; just feel like sharing these thoughts. I haven't taken any big steps toward resolving my situation, though I have been disengaging a bit. I do more things by myself, and don't argue with her about the drinking any more.

My AW is pressuring me to have sex a lot lately. We go through this phase occasionally, but she's been talking to her girlfriends, and they tell her how their husbands can't get enough.

Now she's convinced I need Viagra. I just don't have the heart to tell her that she is no longer attractive to me. Sometimes I feel a little guilty, like I'm the one who is driving her to drink more. She's always been very needy, emotionally... and maybe I just wasn't there enough for her.

She even offered to quit drinking if it would make me "want her" more. I've heard this before. The first time we had a discussion about her drinking, she gave away all of her liquor, and said it wasn't worth having me angry at her.

Of course, that didn't last... she was back on the bottle within a couple of weeks. I'm sure I could try to bargain with her... sobriety in exchange for more sex... but I have my doubts as to how long she would be able to stay sober. She still doesn't think she's an alcoholic.

Just felt like venting a little ... thanks for listening.
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Old 09-13-2010, 11:24 AM
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Uck, I hate guilt. We must forgive ourselves, love ourselves, we are only human. huge virtual hug
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Old 09-13-2010, 03:41 PM
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peaceful seabird
 
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Originally Posted by TeM View Post
like I'm the one who is driving her to drink more.
I regret to inform you that you are not that powerful.

She is an adult and chooses to self-medicate with alcohol. Alcohol is also a depressant. It will not help her emotional insecurities. She may use alcohol as a security blanket to hide the low self esteem, but she is just avoiding the problem.

Remember:

you did not cause it
you can not control it
you will not cure it

I tried bargaining with my AH about sex. I did not want to be intimate with him when he had been drinking. (yet I had desires to be intimate) We tried scheduling "dates" but he was often too irritable when sober or he would cave in because of work stress and drink. Not many "dates" were fulfilled.
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Old 09-13-2010, 04:40 PM
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She is on her own path, you cannot change her route no matter what you or don't do.

I too send hugs,
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Old 09-14-2010, 05:48 PM
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ya but...does he be truthful?....
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Old 09-15-2010, 05:52 AM
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Well, it didn't take long. She was drunk again last night, sitting in her recliner, hiccuping with her head on her shoulder.

I'm running a bizarre gauntlet of thoughts these days. I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I'm almost relieved when she's drunk, because then she leaves me in peace. I know that's horrible, and I feel guilty about it, too. I guess we all have our own demons to deal with.
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Old 09-15-2010, 05:59 AM
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Originally Posted by TeM View Post
Well, it didn't take long. She was drunk again last night, sitting in her recliner, hiccuping with her head on her shoulder.

I'm running a bizarre gauntlet of thoughts these days. I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I'm almost relieved when she's drunk, because then she leaves me in peace. I know that's horrible, and I feel guilty about it, too. I guess we all have our own demons to deal with.
Peace is nice I wouldn't feel a bit guilty about wanting peace.

I don't know where you are on your journey, but if it were me, I think I'd just be clear "I am uninterested in being intimate with you as long as alcohol also has a place in your life. You say you aren't an alcoholic and don't have a problem with alcohol, so it should be no loss for you to walk away from it permanently."

Of course she won't. But then you both will know exactly where you stand.

Sad stuff.
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Old 09-15-2010, 06:55 AM
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Originally Posted by TeM View Post
Well, it didn't take long. She was drunk again last night, sitting in her recliner, hiccuping with her head on her shoulder.

I'm running a bizarre gauntlet of thoughts these days. I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I'm almost relieved when she's drunk, because then she leaves me in peace. I know that's horrible, and I feel guilty about it, too. I guess we all have our own demons to deal with.
I was a drunk married to a drunk. I got sober the last year of our marriage and have managed to remain so for 4.5 years now by the grace of HP.

My marriage to a drunk was by far, much more tolerable when I was drunk as well. Sobriety is no way to live with a drunk.

That last year my axw would drink a case of beer a day and STILL NOT PASS OUT and give me some peace.

I did the math, a case a day plus 2 packs of premium smokes, nothing to good for MY axw! Back then it was $20+ a day when we couldn't even afford the mortgage.

My solution? BTW, she jumped on this. Suggested she switch to rot gut vodka, it all tastes the same to me, $10 for a half gallon. Got 3 daze of drunks out of it, and thankfully she'd pass out quick so I didn't have to put up with any crap. And saved a ton of money. Worked out beautifully. I mean really, why ***** foot around.

As far as wasting brain cells on guilt over enjoying some peace, I wouldn't.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
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Old 09-15-2010, 11:13 AM
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Thanks, Coyote... I can relate in a way, even though I don't drink any more, and never drank to excess.

AW can down a 12-pack of beer in a day and remain awake. In fact, it puts her in some kind of weird lizard-like trance, and she can sit up all night and watch TV. (One beer would make me want to take a nap... that's one reason I quit drinking it.)

The hard stuff, on the other hand, reduces her to a vegetative state, and she eventually passes out. When I first noticed her problem, she was guzzling Crown Royal. My daughter and I found about 20 of those velvet bags stuffed in the cabinet; I guess she thought they were worth saving. I hate to think how much money she wasted on that stuff.

Now she has switched over to Vodka... somebody probably told her it wouldn't make her breath smell, or something. At least it's a little cheaper than Crown Royal.
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Old 09-15-2010, 11:35 AM
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weird lizard-like trance

Only someone who's been there would understand that! I know this is serious business, but that's kind of funny in a sad sort of way.

And yes, vodka is much cheaper and VERY effective at getting a drunk where they want to be. But I could always smell it, like she'd gargled with rubbing alcohol, and it would come out of her pores.

I would bet that it's a common progression from Crown to $10/3 liter vodka.

Ah, good times. Like a trip down memory lane.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
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Old 09-15-2010, 01:30 PM
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I can't contribute much except to say I know how you feel. I'm so sick of talking about, negotiating about, bargening over sex that I think my head might explode!! I feel you on not wanting to be intimate with a drunk.. me neither.
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