rdy4change

Hi all...it's been quite a while since i've posted. Thankfully because all has been quiet on the STBEX front. At any rate, my pre-trial date for the divorce is coming up and I have to decide if I want to keep my married name or go back to my maiden. Looking to see what others have done and why.
The only reason I would really want to keep my married name is because of my DD. I don't want her to think that i'm ashamed of the name and want her to know that there were good years. The reason I want to change it back is that I feel like I would be reclaiming my independence. Since DD and I moved out last April I'm realizing just how much I changed in the past years. I'm slowly starting to regain my self-esteeem, confidence, sense of humor and trust. I remember that people have always liked my laid back attitude and sense of humor. Two things that disappeared.

In the beginning of this process I said no way...I wasn't going to change it back. But now that STBEX has been so nasty I don't want to be associated with him. I think I know the answer to my own question but have any of you changed it or kept it and wish you wouldn't have and why.

HealingWillCome

It really is a personal decision, but I will say that I kept my married name because I have three daughters and wanted us to have that connection as a family. I had also been using the name for 11 years in my marriage and it was simpler to keep it. I never had the desire to go back to my maiden name.

I have known women who hyphenated and used both until people were familiar with the situation and then they sort of weaned themselves from their married names.

Still Waters

Yes, me too. I want nothing to do with mine, at all.

Pelican

I had previous experience with divorce.

I asked for permission to change my name back to my maiden name during my divorce from AH. I also discussed this with my children.

Getting permission from the court now, does not obligate you to change your name. It is more expensive to get a lawyer to help you request a name change later.

My divorce was final 1 1/2 years ago. I am just now changing my name back to the maiden name. Couple of reasons why I waited: My divorce was granted the same day I was packing my moving truck. I did not have time to pursue the name change.

I also have had my X's creditors looking for him through me. They have even contacted my neighbor. I figure it's time to change the name.

I just got back, today, from my second trip to the Driver's license department. Got my new license today! I went to the bank and my employer and had my name changed there too. (I already took care of Social Security a month ago).

As I was leaving the bank, the bank employee assisting me said:
Have a good day Miss "insert maiden name". Wow!

In my case, this has been a part of rediscovering ME.

Hadassah

I thought about changing it back to my maiden name. Like you , not wanting to be the ex mrs. so an so. I asked my three teens what they thought and all but my oldest said they didn't care. She did, although she didn't say why. Later I figured it might have been because she felt like I didn't want her name anymore. I am going to leave it as is, but I do wish I could go back.

nodaybut2day

My XAH practically forced the name change down my throat, and FREAKED out whenever he saw me use my maiden name. The thing is, here in Quebec, most women keep their maiden name because the government will proceed that way by default. I felt my change of name was very liberating, and though DD (2 yrs) still has XAH's last name on paper, I'm sloooooowly working towards establishing her using my maiden name. In 5 yrs or so, I may be able to get the change to be legal.

If you feel the need for the change, can you discuss it with your DD?

suki44883

My daughter's father and I divorced while she was still an infant. I did go back to my maiden name but there was no way my ex would allow me to change my daughter's last name to mine. Even though he was a lousy father and didn't really give two hoots about our daughter, it was a matter of ego for him. Turns out though, when my daughter became an adult, she, herself, legally changed her last name to my maiden name.

Fandy

I kept my Xhusbands name so my daughter and i would "match", I divorced when she was about 7 yrs. old. The last time I had to renew my driver's license (going to picture ID), i had a devil of a time! I had my maiden name on my birth certificate, my married name on the license. i had to obtain a copy of my original marriage certificate and a new passport to obtain my license.....I drove around with an expired license for 2 months while I waited for my passport to arrive. (DMV is very strict about the type of ID you can present for a license in my state)...it was a giant PIMA.

it would have been much easier if i had changed my name back at the time of the divorce.

coffeedrinker

I never considered changing my name back to maiden, it just felt like this was, and is, my name. Also the children have this last name. I didn't want to keep it particularly, but also am not motivated in the least to changing it.

We had an extremely amicable divorce, however.

I was proud to be a part of his family, and the family that we created. I tried so hard to be a good wife and mother, we were just at odds because of his chem dependency.

I think that if you feel a pull to change your name, you have a candid discussion with your children. You will decide or not decide right now, and that is alright.

rdy4change

WOW...a lot of great points on both counts.
Pelican...my attorney brought up about the creditors too and Lord knows STBEX has a lot of them.
Suki...totally in the same spot. Doesn't want to be her dad but would never let go of the name. Which, I am OK with...things weren't always this way and I don't want DD to be ashamed of him. I agree she can change it later.
NoDay...DD is only 4 so I can't ask her. I figure she can still call me by my married name until she's old enough to understand.

For those of you who kept it...Continuing to be a part of his family or having more than one child (especially those that are old enough to think for themselves) are perfect reasons to have kept it.

Thank you all for sharing your perspectives!

lulu1974

I dont have children but I am keeping my married name for my own reasons. Its a common last name. I hate my maiden name and professionally I am known by my married name. I have nothing to do with his family and its who I am. I have changed a lot. So I am chosing to keep it and dont care what he thinks of that. We no longer speak. But its not about the origin of the name, its about what works best for me. No one has to know I am ex Mrs. SoandSo. I am just who I am.

Jadmack25

My late XAH began re-addressing my mail to my maiden name, and so I just started using it. Here it is legal to do so without going thru courts etc, after all it was originally the one you have. When licence etc came due, I asked for the name to change and Voila! I was JAD again, but I kept the Mrs part, God knows I had earned that title the hard way, and back then being Miss JAD with 3 daughters was a bit iffy.
It also saved me having anything to do with his financial blunders, tho he sure tried to rope me into being lumbered with some debts of his....his bloody wine bill was one that really got me seeing red.

God bless

dollydo

I never changed my maiden name to my married name, so, I've had the same last name for 63 years.

To be honest, I never believed that I needed to take a mans name, if they didn't change their name why should I change mine?

Bucyn

I kept my married name because it belonged to my kids too. When I remarried the abusive alcoholic momma's boy I kept my former husband's name. I figured when my kids were grown and gone I'd switch to his surname; but he never put any effort into the marriage and I figured out early on that it would just be a hassle to change all the records. Good thing I didn't, because I'd have just had to change them all back.

My exMIL, the one who rules my XAH's life, took her maiden name back legally when she got divorced. Then she just started using her ex's surname when I married her son. She never made it legal or anything, just started signing her cards and calling herself by a name she legally gave up 30 years earlier. She was jealous and wanted to emphasize that she was an 'insider' and I was not one of them; and accent that she had the same last name as her grandchildren--and I didn't. LOL, she was such an idiot.

But it's a very personal decision, and doesn't really matter in the long run. But it's a real hassle to change your doc, especially at the FL DMV if you live in FL. They are so worried about illegal aliens they make it very hard to get official documents.