acceptance and not judging others
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It seems that it isn't the child's behavior that bothers you; she doesn't 'taint' your son and she's respectful to you. It's the father's behavior that makes you want to claw out your hair. He's not responding the way you think he should.
So the solution is simple; stay away from the father. Why punish the child or your child by limiting their friendship?
Also, you may want to ask yourself why his parenting bothers you so much. Your reaction says more about you than him or the little girl. It's an opportunity to learn about yourself.
So the solution is simple; stay away from the father. Why punish the child or your child by limiting their friendship?
Also, you may want to ask yourself why his parenting bothers you so much. Your reaction says more about you than him or the little girl. It's an opportunity to learn about yourself.
I Love Who I Am
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EW that's wonderful! Thank you.
I think she may be saying this because I toyed with the idea of running for offince in June. I was approached by a political science professor who is part of the industry I work in, and asked to run for office. I thought about it, but think I woulndn't be able to keep my mouth shut when necessary. Plus, I have more ability to influence public opinion as an journalist, editor and newspaper owner.
But thank you! The Saint comment is very, very funny.
I think she may be saying this because I toyed with the idea of running for offince in June. I was approached by a political science professor who is part of the industry I work in, and asked to run for office. I thought about it, but think I woulndn't be able to keep my mouth shut when necessary. Plus, I have more ability to influence public opinion as an journalist, editor and newspaper owner.
But thank you! The Saint comment is very, very funny.
I Love Who I Am
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It seems that it isn't the child's behavior that bothers you; she doesn't 'taint' your son and she's respectful to you. It's the father's behavior that makes you want to claw out your hair. He's not responding the way you think he should.
So the solution is simple; stay away from the father. Why punish the child or your child by limiting their friendship?
Also, you may want to ask yourself why his parenting bothers you so much. Your reaction says more about you than him or the little girl. It's an opportunity to learn about yourself
So the solution is simple; stay away from the father. Why punish the child or your child by limiting their friendship?
Also, you may want to ask yourself why his parenting bothers you so much. Your reaction says more about you than him or the little girl. It's an opportunity to learn about yourself
Nope, it's her. The fact that she's capable of such mean-ness is unnerving and annoying. And the dad is a good friend to me. I've worked through it for now. And of course my reaction says more about me than anyone else. It's always about me, despite my reaction. I think I made that clear in my posts.
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Originally Posted by transformyself 
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Nope, it's her. The fact that she's capable of such mean-ness is unnerving and annoying. And the dad is a good friend to me.
Nope, it's her. The fact that she's capable of such mean-ness is unnerving and annoying. And the dad is a good friend to me.
If he's codependant, and you are codependant (and I'm not saying you are, only giving one example among many of why you are annoyed with the child rather than the parent who created the child), could you be projecting your anger about codependency issues onto the child and exonerating the father, both unjustly.
It would be a shame if you limited her contact with your son or limited the time she spent in an environment showcasing healthier and more respectful interaction, or if your annoyance and dislike of her tinged your interactions with her, particularly since you are an adult she admires. She won't understand it; she's 100% a product of her environment, and if she at 9 treats her father poorly, HE and only HE taught her.
She is no more mean than any other human being; everyone has that sort of meanness in them, including me and you--and her father. She's just not been taught by the people who are closest to her. Her father, your good friend, has let her down.
If you are really good friends, I suppose you can ask him, "Why do you let her talk to her like that?" But it probably won't really help. His parenting is a result of how he was parented.
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transform, I have never allowed my son to talk disrespectfully to me. He might have tried it once or twice when he was little, but he got put in his place immediately. I was not allowed to speak to my parents that way either. It's a mutual understanding. I speak to you with respect, and you speak to me the same way. Obviously this little 9 year old girl has learned to treat her parents this way from someone or somewhere. And it's not from your house. Maybe her parents talk to each other that way, when nobody else is around, and maybe they treat the little girl that way too. Who knows?
Since you are friends with the mom and dad, maybe you can strike up a conversation with either parent or both, when the time is right, and ask in a very nice way what's up with her little attitude. Sometimes when we talk to parents about their kids, they get offended. So, be prepared, cause it might hurt your relationship with them.
Also, if you see this little girl doing this in front of your children, you don't have to talk directly to her, but you can nicely say to your own sons, I'm so happy you don't talk to me that way. Because you would have to be punished. Or something to that effect.
You could probably bring it up tactfully, but like I said there's a 50/50 chance that it could hurt your relationship with them. So weigh it out, and it might be in the best interest of your boys to keep that little fresh one out of the picture.
Oh, just so you know, my son to this day, has never talked disrespectfully to me. EVER. He is 29 and has a drug problem. He is in recovery now, and doing well, but at his darkest moments and with all the drama, he has never talked nasty to me. It's about respect and discipline. Those parents will pay later if they don't nip it in the bud now.
Since you are friends with the mom and dad, maybe you can strike up a conversation with either parent or both, when the time is right, and ask in a very nice way what's up with her little attitude. Sometimes when we talk to parents about their kids, they get offended. So, be prepared, cause it might hurt your relationship with them.
Also, if you see this little girl doing this in front of your children, you don't have to talk directly to her, but you can nicely say to your own sons, I'm so happy you don't talk to me that way. Because you would have to be punished. Or something to that effect.
You could probably bring it up tactfully, but like I said there's a 50/50 chance that it could hurt your relationship with them. So weigh it out, and it might be in the best interest of your boys to keep that little fresh one out of the picture.
Oh, just so you know, my son to this day, has never talked disrespectfully to me. EVER. He is 29 and has a drug problem. He is in recovery now, and doing well, but at his darkest moments and with all the drama, he has never talked nasty to me. It's about respect and discipline. Those parents will pay later if they don't nip it in the bud now.
I Love Who I Am
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Obviously this little 9 year old girl has learned to treat her parents this way from someone or somewhere. And it's not from your house. Maybe her parents talk to each other that way, when nobody else is around, and maybe they treat the little girl that way too. Who knows?
The mother treats that freak of a dog the same way. Cooing to him, while he's basically attacking whoever comes into the house. If I had a dog that regularly escaped and attacked other dogs and sometimes people, and tried to bite anyone that came in the house-he'd go to the bully rescue places for re-programming and fast. But, he's not my dog. And she's not my daughter.
The father resents both the girl and the crazed, semi-dangerous dog that the mother brought home (she's a vet) but doesn't make the mother get rid of the dog or make the child stop treating him like dog crap. I don't know why and, at least for now, don't really care. I"m glad to have let go of this issue, while the cyber conversation hangs forever here.
I'm in a good place with it now. He's recently started opening up to me about his resentment and frustration with these things and I'll just wait for the right time to talk with him. And keep going to yoga. That helped me adjust my attitude, all though todays display was extraordinary. If it happens again, I'll just remove myself. Walk away. That'll send a clear message to everyone involved.
I'm adjusting my reactions, expectations and keeping boundaries with her, which I've done all along. As long as they keep that ridiculously insane dog away from my kids, and respect that they can't watch TV, I have no problem with them being there.
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Heavens to Betsy, I thought how I would have ended up, had I spoken to my parents that way....Yanks would NOT have got to the moon first as mum would have sent me into orbit for sure.
Could you use her regard for you, to try and make a change.....eg. If she makes a comment you feel is nasty or rude, to her dad, mum or anyone while she is at YOUR place...you call her on it. Something like, "I do not allow children to be rude to others in my home. Please do not speak that way to XXXXX again or I cannot have you come over anymore."
As for her parents, if they comment on your rules and boundaries, you could say that "It upsets me to hear a child disrespectful to an adult, and I do not accept it in my home".
Frankly, tho friends....my feet are just itching to give mum, dad and brash kid a few swift kicks up their backsides, but heck that would be terribly politically incorrect. But oh, how these feet are wriggling.
God bless
Could you use her regard for you, to try and make a change.....eg. If she makes a comment you feel is nasty or rude, to her dad, mum or anyone while she is at YOUR place...you call her on it. Something like, "I do not allow children to be rude to others in my home. Please do not speak that way to XXXXX again or I cannot have you come over anymore."
As for her parents, if they comment on your rules and boundaries, you could say that "It upsets me to hear a child disrespectful to an adult, and I do not accept it in my home".
Frankly, tho friends....my feet are just itching to give mum, dad and brash kid a few swift kicks up their backsides, but heck that would be terribly politically incorrect. But oh, how these feet are wriggling.
God bless
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Jadmack, Where on GOD'S good earth did you get those feet? LOL LOL
Oh, Transform, I'm glad you put this thing to rest already. Your so right. It's not your dog, and not your kid. Some parents just don't discipline their kids. Sometimes the kid is the boss, and that is very irritating for us adults who don't let little 9 year olds run our lives.
The reason why I posted on this thread is because when I checked new threads earlier tonight, it was right on top of the list. Your right about how some things just won't go away on the internet. Thanks for responding anyway. But, please keep us posted if something changes, and daddy gives her a taste of soap or a spanking on the butt.
Oh, Transform, I'm glad you put this thing to rest already. Your so right. It's not your dog, and not your kid. Some parents just don't discipline their kids. Sometimes the kid is the boss, and that is very irritating for us adults who don't let little 9 year olds run our lives.
The reason why I posted on this thread is because when I checked new threads earlier tonight, it was right on top of the list. Your right about how some things just won't go away on the internet. Thanks for responding anyway. But, please keep us posted if something changes, and daddy gives her a taste of soap or a spanking on the butt.
I Love Who I Am
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Angelic! A taste of soap or a spanking on the butt. You are SO bad...And I'm glad you posted on my thread, you've got great insight and actually listen to what I"m saying instead of playing therapist and ignoring my assessment of myself.
I remembered earlier that I had actually tried talking to him about this about a year ago. I told him my method of recovering after not disciplining my kids is to say, "I need to apologize to you. I haven' been doing my job. But I'm going to start, and this is what it's going to look like." then I explain the new perimeters. New boundaries, new rules, like "you can't be a little a$$hole to me anymore."
He basically said that won't work at his house.
And to be fair, this little girl can also be very creative and funny and sweet. Which is what creeps me out more and more because she can also be one of the meanest little girls I've ever personally known, but only to people who allow her to be.
When my son talks back to me, it's because he's not in control of himself, and I help him get control right quick.
When this little girl is nasty to her parents, she's in absolute control and she knows it. She puts them in their place.
Or maybe they don't see it that way. I dunno.
I remembered earlier that I had actually tried talking to him about this about a year ago. I told him my method of recovering after not disciplining my kids is to say, "I need to apologize to you. I haven' been doing my job. But I'm going to start, and this is what it's going to look like." then I explain the new perimeters. New boundaries, new rules, like "you can't be a little a$$hole to me anymore."
He basically said that won't work at his house.
And to be fair, this little girl can also be very creative and funny and sweet. Which is what creeps me out more and more because she can also be one of the meanest little girls I've ever personally known, but only to people who allow her to be.
When my son talks back to me, it's because he's not in control of himself, and I help him get control right quick.
When this little girl is nasty to her parents, she's in absolute control and she knows it. She puts them in their place.
Or maybe they don't see it that way. I dunno.
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Just an observation/flashback to a child psych class i had as an undergrad... Kids at that age are wired to seek out new experiences and also on some level want boundaries and leadership. Youre providing this for her and she is drawn to you. You're being a mentor to her wether you realize it or not. If she was raised in seclusion with her parents as her only role models, my guess is that she could grow into a very self centered unhappy individual. I sometimes cringe when Hillary gets it right (JK), but it does take a village; we are social creatures and a huge componnent of our effectiveness in this world is the ability to be flexible and fit into different social contexts in a meaningful way.
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Yeah, you're right. She spends most days, all day with us. My son and her are best friends. She NEVER so much as looks like she's going to speak to me the way she does her parents and there have been times when I know she's seen my widened eyes of disbelief when she has treated her parents like crap.
She's here right now, watching Mayberrry RFD with the kids.
Back to packing I go!
She's here right now, watching Mayberrry RFD with the kids.
Back to packing I go!
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Transform, I think most kids will test thier parents and elders, and try to see what they can get away with. My personal opinion is that this little girl likes being with you, and is good with you because she knows you have boundaries. She loves you because she loves your discipline and control. She feels safe with you.
Children crave and want discipline. Even though they don't know it. She obviously isn't getting it at home, for what ever reason. Some times the parents have major issues.
I like to think of it in the sense that your contributing to making her a better human being. Who understands that she can't treat people badly. When parents allow their children full control of the reins, it's really bad because the real world doesn't give us everything we want. And the real world doesn't put up with being ordered around and disrespected. That's why really spoiled rotten kids have a hard time in life.
It's nauseating to watch a spoiled brat child who rules the roost. It's worse to watch a spoiled rotten adult. Eventually something happens, and that brat will be humbled one way or another. The real world is a cruel tough place. And it's our jobs as parents to prepare our kids for the world, and help them to survive the best way possible. It seems to me this little girls parents are making a big mistake with their little girl. The more she cries now, the less they will cry later.
I watched the View this morning, and the women were saying that Jackie Kennedy made a comment years ago, saying ( If me mess up our kids, then we are not successful in life. Because if our kids are a mess, we will be a mess too.) It's so true. When my addict son was a mess, I was more messed up than he was. When our kids hurt, we hurt.
Thanks for this post. It makes me feel good, about the way I raised my son, and I'm proud that I disciplined him. Give that little girl a hug. She's just a baby for GOD'S sake. And even if she's a brat, or fresh. It's really not her fault. Mommy and Daddy are the culprits.
Children crave and want discipline. Even though they don't know it. She obviously isn't getting it at home, for what ever reason. Some times the parents have major issues.
I like to think of it in the sense that your contributing to making her a better human being. Who understands that she can't treat people badly. When parents allow their children full control of the reins, it's really bad because the real world doesn't give us everything we want. And the real world doesn't put up with being ordered around and disrespected. That's why really spoiled rotten kids have a hard time in life.
It's nauseating to watch a spoiled brat child who rules the roost. It's worse to watch a spoiled rotten adult. Eventually something happens, and that brat will be humbled one way or another. The real world is a cruel tough place. And it's our jobs as parents to prepare our kids for the world, and help them to survive the best way possible. It seems to me this little girls parents are making a big mistake with their little girl. The more she cries now, the less they will cry later.
I watched the View this morning, and the women were saying that Jackie Kennedy made a comment years ago, saying ( If me mess up our kids, then we are not successful in life. Because if our kids are a mess, we will be a mess too.) It's so true. When my addict son was a mess, I was more messed up than he was. When our kids hurt, we hurt.
Thanks for this post. It makes me feel good, about the way I raised my son, and I'm proud that I disciplined him. Give that little girl a hug. She's just a baby for GOD'S sake. And even if she's a brat, or fresh. It's really not her fault. Mommy and Daddy are the culprits.
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My mom used to say "It's very easy to raise the neighbor's children!"
That's always helped me let go! I go through what you are describing with my own sister's kids. But when they are alone with me they also are very polite and responsive to rules and regs...and God forbid I say anything to my sister or her hubby: probably would come back to bite me!
Glad glad to hear you limit TV!! Would have appreciated you in my neighborhood for the last 18 years! I feel like that is one of the hardest things for me to let go of when I see it unrestricted and unsupervised in people's houses w/ kids. Makes my "Interfere Now" buttons go off like mad!
My boys are practically grown now but I was so restrictive w/ TV (we only watched movies on VHS/DVD in the winter!) and no commercial television, and I wouldn;t allow a Nintendo or any kind of game system in our house. They resented it for sure - but I was glad to argue about that with them! They are both big readers, and love to be outside doing things.
Keep up the good fight!
peace-
B
That's always helped me let go! I go through what you are describing with my own sister's kids. But when they are alone with me they also are very polite and responsive to rules and regs...and God forbid I say anything to my sister or her hubby: probably would come back to bite me!
Glad glad to hear you limit TV!! Would have appreciated you in my neighborhood for the last 18 years! I feel like that is one of the hardest things for me to let go of when I see it unrestricted and unsupervised in people's houses w/ kids. Makes my "Interfere Now" buttons go off like mad!
My boys are practically grown now but I was so restrictive w/ TV (we only watched movies on VHS/DVD in the winter!) and no commercial television, and I wouldn;t allow a Nintendo or any kind of game system in our house. They resented it for sure - but I was glad to argue about that with them! They are both big readers, and love to be outside doing things.
Keep up the good fight!
peace-
B
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Bernadette! Love this!
Actually, when the dad just came to pick her up, and wanted to do something and he balked and she said , "I"m going to make you do it."
then the moment I've been dreading happened. I said, "do you really believe that? That you can make your dad do something?"
He said, "welcome to my world."
I think, later, when we're all at the pool, I'll talk to her about this. She listens to me and we talk about all kinds of things. I think I'll give her the old, "you can't make anyone do anything and only have control over yourself" speech. Because she does listen to and respect me. Geez what a huge responsibility..
"Interfere Now" buttons
Actually, when the dad just came to pick her up, and wanted to do something and he balked and she said , "I"m going to make you do it."
then the moment I've been dreading happened. I said, "do you really believe that? That you can make your dad do something?"
He said, "welcome to my world."
I think, later, when we're all at the pool, I'll talk to her about this. She listens to me and we talk about all kinds of things. I think I'll give her the old, "you can't make anyone do anything and only have control over yourself" speech. Because she does listen to and respect me. Geez what a huge responsibility..
Awakening
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Originally Posted by suki44883
And to be fair, I she's fine at my house, which I think is why I'm so shocked to hear and see her do this with her parents.
Which just confirms that her parents have not earned her respect and you have. Kids WANT guidelines and rules and yes, even discipline. That's how they learn. When they don't get that, they are out of control and act just like this little girl is acting. She knows she can't get away with that behavior at your house, but she can at her own house, so she does.
Which just confirms that her parents have not earned her respect and you have. Kids WANT guidelines and rules and yes, even discipline. That's how they learn. When they don't get that, they are out of control and act just like this little girl is acting. She knows she can't get away with that behavior at your house, but she can at her own house, so she does.
I let LMC get away with murder for the first year out of guilt. I don't know what's going on behind closed doors, but you can bet there's SOMETHING dysfunctional there. Maybe the dad checks his ba!!s at the door like I did and the wife talks to him like that. IDK.
But not your business. I'd be relieved about that.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
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Originally Posted by transformyself
And- as I was working outside, the girl came over and brought me fresh tomatoes from her garden. Very sweet. And a little scary.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
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Originally Posted by transformyself
The father resents both the girl and the crazed, semi-dangerous dog that the mother brought home ...
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