Easy come easy go, but still, it's painful
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 581
Easy come easy go, but still, it's painful
So...yeah. Me with all my 12 stepping, all my books, all my Al Anon meetings and Coda and all of it. Me, armed and empowered. Still manage to fall quickly for a man who turns out to be not only probably an alcoholic, but an admitted codependent...and I still got snookered! Augh!
I blame email, for starters.
We met on the internet, emailed up a storm. So much in common it was ridiculous. Even our mothers attended the same small private girls school in St. Louis. Both of us had terrible past exes. We shared war stories. We wrote wittily, intellgently. We finally met - and hit off big. We laughed hard, we went running and ate healthy. He professed he was falling for me big time. He wrote to me of just "knowing." I mean...fairy tale. Yes. Fairy Tale. And we both marveled. How lucky we found each other! What were the odds!?
Well.
Guess why I'm here?
That's right. For sudden and inexplicably - the texts disappear. (After 8 weeks of this intense love affair.) The phone calls stop. He is nowhere. I write, I call...then finally I send a "we're done, I don't deserve this" email. And he writes. He is sorry. He is so f'd up. He knows he and I are perfect for each other. But, he can't seem to help his own BS. It's a problem. He has issues. He doesn't know what to do with a healthy love. He doesn't know how to handle a real loving partner. Sorry. Sorry.
So on the one hand I am grateful that it ended. But why didn't I see it coming? I knew he drank too much. But since he did marathons and stuff I hoped he balanced that. Still...I should have known. And I am sad that I got in so deep that I am now pretty bereft.
Any words of wisdom or support will help. *sigh* back to the drawing board I go...
Soph
I blame email, for starters.
We met on the internet, emailed up a storm. So much in common it was ridiculous. Even our mothers attended the same small private girls school in St. Louis. Both of us had terrible past exes. We shared war stories. We wrote wittily, intellgently. We finally met - and hit off big. We laughed hard, we went running and ate healthy. He professed he was falling for me big time. He wrote to me of just "knowing." I mean...fairy tale. Yes. Fairy Tale. And we both marveled. How lucky we found each other! What were the odds!?
Well.
Guess why I'm here?
That's right. For sudden and inexplicably - the texts disappear. (After 8 weeks of this intense love affair.) The phone calls stop. He is nowhere. I write, I call...then finally I send a "we're done, I don't deserve this" email. And he writes. He is sorry. He is so f'd up. He knows he and I are perfect for each other. But, he can't seem to help his own BS. It's a problem. He has issues. He doesn't know what to do with a healthy love. He doesn't know how to handle a real loving partner. Sorry. Sorry.
So on the one hand I am grateful that it ended. But why didn't I see it coming? I knew he drank too much. But since he did marathons and stuff I hoped he balanced that. Still...I should have known. And I am sad that I got in so deep that I am now pretty bereft.
Any words of wisdom or support will help. *sigh* back to the drawing board I go...
Soph
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Nobody is immune to getting snookered. I didn't see any huge red flags in anything you wrote.
Be glad it ended sooner rather than later. And alcoholics aren't the only ones who can act like jerks.
Be glad it ended sooner rather than later. And alcoholics aren't the only ones who can act like jerks.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((((Soph)))) - awwww, sweetie, I'm so sorry. You're expressing one of my greatest fears. I haven't even CONSIDERED getting into another relationship for the fear that I'll be "snookered" again. I've never had a "normal" relationship.
I know it hurts, and I'm sorry
I think you should be very proud of the fact that you ended it so quickly. I think that shoes good judgment, in itself.
Some people can be really smooth and we fall for it. It's not always a fault of ours.
Sending you big hugs and prayers!
Amy
I know it hurts, and I'm sorry
I think you should be very proud of the fact that you ended it so quickly. I think that shoes good judgment, in itself.Some people can be really smooth and we fall for it. It's not always a fault of ours.
Sending you big hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
...I knew he drank too much...
that's enough.
But you handled it well and had a good time.
Now, the work is to let it go AND look for those things you KNOW from the start (and act on them!)
Hugs,
Peace
that's enough.
But you handled it well and had a good time.
Now, the work is to let it go AND look for those things you KNOW from the start (and act on them!)
Hugs,
Peace
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: At the top of my mountain.
Posts: 124
((Soph))
I'd say you did great--you identified your needs, found the situation to be quite lacking, and said "no thanks!". Sounds pretty healthy to me! You're hurting now, but "healthy" sometimes hurts---yet it's THIS kind of "healthy hurt" (missing someone you were kinda diggin' ) that keeps you from getting the BIGGER "unhealthy hurt" later on---which likely was coming your way had you settled and stayed.
I'd say you did great--you identified your needs, found the situation to be quite lacking, and said "no thanks!". Sounds pretty healthy to me! You're hurting now, but "healthy" sometimes hurts---yet it's THIS kind of "healthy hurt" (missing someone you were kinda diggin' ) that keeps you from getting the BIGGER "unhealthy hurt" later on---which likely was coming your way had you settled and stayed.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
So sorry, however, look at it this way: You got woke up in 8 weeks!
You have all the tools in your tool box and proved that you know how to use them!
I know there is a Mr Right out there for you, in the meantime, keep enjoying your life!
You have all the tools in your tool box and proved that you know how to use them!
I know there is a Mr Right out there for you, in the meantime, keep enjoying your life!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Ah yes, internet love. I know it well!
That was the start of the relationship that brought me to my codependent bottom in 1999.
That was after 15 months, a ring on my finger (that he took back), and my savings cleaned out.
I knew he was a heavy drinker too, at least until he came up from Florida and moved in with me.
I rationalized it was fine because he didn't drink the 15 months he was with me.
It was too good to be true.
I know how badly that hurts...it's like being sucker-punched emotionally.
Today I am grateful for that whole experience because I did learn from it.
:ghug3
That was the start of the relationship that brought me to my codependent bottom in 1999.
That was after 15 months, a ring on my finger (that he took back), and my savings cleaned out.
I knew he was a heavy drinker too, at least until he came up from Florida and moved in with me.
I rationalized it was fine because he didn't drink the 15 months he was with me.
It was too good to be true.
I know how badly that hurts...it's like being sucker-punched emotionally.
Today I am grateful for that whole experience because I did learn from it.
:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
It doesn't seem to me like you were snookered so much. He just wasn't the one. You dated until he did something crazy and then you got out! That is the part where all your recovery work panned out. You didn't brush it under the rug, or feel sorry for him, or eat up all that drivel, or give him one more chance. You said - 'not a keeper - see you later.' :clap:
I don't think recovery results in us dating only the winners and keepers - it allows us to identify the non-keepers right off the bat! It still hurts when something doesn't work out like intended, but at least you figured it out.
Since I'm not at that point at least that is what I'm hoping for - for when I'm ready to start dating - which will be sometime around 2020, lol.
I don't think recovery results in us dating only the winners and keepers - it allows us to identify the non-keepers right off the bat! It still hurts when something doesn't work out like intended, but at least you figured it out.
Since I'm not at that point at least that is what I'm hoping for - for when I'm ready to start dating - which will be sometime around 2020, lol.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
What FindingPeace said + What PaintBaby said = My Response 
Soph, first try to acknowledge what you did RIGHT this time as compared to what you have done in the past. Focus on all the GOOD you experienced in your life with this person. And look for the lesson in all of this. Let go of anything he did "wrong" or that was hurtful to you. Accept that he is only human.
I personally do not see that you were "snookered" and there is no one and nothing to blame. This was just life and you were LIVING it!!! Good for you!
Ask yourself, what did you discover about your OWN WANTS for yourSELF? In what ways did you decide, beyond a shadow of a doubt, what you WANT and in what ways did you take responsibility for yourself and what you want?
Then, get back in the saddle and do it all again.
Soph, first try to acknowledge what you did RIGHT this time as compared to what you have done in the past. Focus on all the GOOD you experienced in your life with this person. And look for the lesson in all of this. Let go of anything he did "wrong" or that was hurtful to you. Accept that he is only human.
I personally do not see that you were "snookered" and there is no one and nothing to blame. This was just life and you were LIVING it!!! Good for you!
Ask yourself, what did you discover about your OWN WANTS for yourSELF? In what ways did you decide, beyond a shadow of a doubt, what you WANT and in what ways did you take responsibility for yourself and what you want?
Then, get back in the saddle and do it all again.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 581
THANK you all SO MUCH for your responses. As usual with SR, I feel bathed in warmth and love. My XAH, who some of you remember, was my big codie bottoming out and it took me a few years. I was doing really pretty well and working on myself, and single and OK with that.
This new one was kind of a test, a too-good-to-be-true and yes, 8 weeks is way better than 8 months or 8 years or what have you. I had a blast. It proved that I can still get out there and it was flattering. Now I just need to move on. I know that.
You all are incredible. I wish I could meet up with everyone in a big room for a group hug but I will accept these responses as individual ones. And the best thing about SR...we don't leave each other in the lurch here. When someone needs a friend, here everyone is.
Thank you from the bottom of my Sophie heart.
This new one was kind of a test, a too-good-to-be-true and yes, 8 weeks is way better than 8 months or 8 years or what have you. I had a blast. It proved that I can still get out there and it was flattering. Now I just need to move on. I know that.
You all are incredible. I wish I could meet up with everyone in a big room for a group hug but I will accept these responses as individual ones. And the best thing about SR...we don't leave each other in the lurch here. When someone needs a friend, here everyone is.
Thank you from the bottom of my Sophie heart.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 581
Oh what a CUUUTTTIIEE!!!! How old is he/she?
My avatar is my dog Cookie, who is a (rescue) Blue Heeler mix, and when I did the DNA blood test, it came back saying she had German Short haired pointer as well as some Golden Retriever (?!) but that does explain her short, not soft fur. Pure blue heelers have soft fur. But she is the funniest little character, whip smart and incredibly agile. My other dog, who is completely henpecked by her, is a 110 pound male lab. I tried to upload photos one day to my profile and it did never work. Even Dee was stumped :-)
Dogs are the best! I love cats too.
My avatar is my dog Cookie, who is a (rescue) Blue Heeler mix, and when I did the DNA blood test, it came back saying she had German Short haired pointer as well as some Golden Retriever (?!) but that does explain her short, not soft fur. Pure blue heelers have soft fur. But she is the funniest little character, whip smart and incredibly agile. My other dog, who is completely henpecked by her, is a 110 pound male lab. I tried to upload photos one day to my profile and it did never work. Even Dee was stumped :-)
Dogs are the best! I love cats too.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
