Trying to Live Happily with Alcoholic
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Hi,
I was not being judgemental by my post, if that is what you inferred.
We all stay in relationships for different reasons. My ex was very wealthy when we were together. If he had been a garbage collector I would not have been with him. I stayed with him through some bad stuff because I loved him, we had fun together and he had the ability to provide a luxurious lifestyle.
If I could do it over, I am not sure what I would have done. But, at the first sign of alcoholism, I now would be out the door regardless of the lifestyle we had. The mental toll isnot worth it.
If you do get out of your situation, at some point I am willing to bet you would feel differently. There is a sense of integrity I have that cannot be shaken and no defensiveness of about why I am with someone.
I am talking to you honestly, not sugar-coating it to be gentle or pc. It is what it is. You know?
I was not being judgemental by my post, if that is what you inferred.
We all stay in relationships for different reasons. My ex was very wealthy when we were together. If he had been a garbage collector I would not have been with him. I stayed with him through some bad stuff because I loved him, we had fun together and he had the ability to provide a luxurious lifestyle.
If I could do it over, I am not sure what I would have done. But, at the first sign of alcoholism, I now would be out the door regardless of the lifestyle we had. The mental toll isnot worth it.
If you do get out of your situation, at some point I am willing to bet you would feel differently. There is a sense of integrity I have that cannot be shaken and no defensiveness of about why I am with someone.
I am talking to you honestly, not sugar-coating it to be gentle or pc. It is what it is. You know?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Deciding whether to leave an active alcoholic is a very personal decision. Actual abuse is unacceptable, in my opinion, whether it is physical, mental/emotional, or financial. Physical abuse needs to be escaped somehow, other kinds can sometimes be dealt with by taking appropriate actions to protect yourself. I think everyone has different "pain thresholds" and alternative resources that factor into the stay/leave decision.
For me, the decision to leave was made with a clear mind because of my Al-Anon work. I made a plan, stuck to it, behaved with fairness and compassion. I took a few financial hits, which I was willing to do because I had made the decision--it wasn't being forced on me by circumstances. I was able to go with few regrets, mostly sadness that someone else's inability/unwillingness to recover made it impossible for me to live with him. I wish him well--as far as I know he is still on a path of self-destruction.
Leaving was the right thing for me to do at that time. I left with a clear conscience--something that would not have been possible if I had simply bolted at the first sign of relapse.
Keep taking good care of yourself. The answers will eventually appear.
For me, the decision to leave was made with a clear mind because of my Al-Anon work. I made a plan, stuck to it, behaved with fairness and compassion. I took a few financial hits, which I was willing to do because I had made the decision--it wasn't being forced on me by circumstances. I was able to go with few regrets, mostly sadness that someone else's inability/unwillingness to recover made it impossible for me to live with him. I wish him well--as far as I know he is still on a path of self-destruction.
Leaving was the right thing for me to do at that time. I left with a clear conscience--something that would not have been possible if I had simply bolted at the first sign of relapse.
Keep taking good care of yourself. The answers will eventually appear.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I hope your next posts starts with:
Living happily with an alcoholic!
It would be a great post for all of us to read. Actually, I would like to know how to do it. I have tried, and, almost ended up losing me.
My Best,
Living happily with an alcoholic!
It would be a great post for all of us to read. Actually, I would like to know how to do it. I have tried, and, almost ended up losing me.
My Best,
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I'm not going to give advice or suggestions, but wanted to share something that came to mind as I read the first post.
I was at the big Pretty Prairie rodeo two nights this past week to watch my beautiful 22 year old daughter on her horse, Sonny, performing with the Pretty Prairie drill team.
She's been with an alcoholic for almost a year now.
Both nights at the rodeo, when they came to find me and his mother (who rode with me) in the stands, he had a beer in hand, and I had honestly forgotten how bad it smells.
She had told me not too long ago that he "doesn't drink that much." She spent a lot of time rationalizing the amount, and that it is okay with her.
It's been a long time since I had active alcoholism in my home, and my head and heart are clear these days.
What I see in my daughter is me at that age, only she doesn't drink. She is a flaming codependent however.
She's already lowered her bar of standards. It's okay because he 'loves her.'
I view it with a great deal of sadness, but I am also grateful that I am where I am today. I am grateful that she has seen a strong and independent mother the past 11 years who has not settled for less than she deserves.
Alcoholism is cunning, baffling, and powerful. That doesn't just apply to the drunk and his/her behavior/thinking. It also applies to what the loved one will settle for as time goes on.
My bar of standards got lower and lower and lower when I was with my EXAH.
That culminated in being hit in the back of the head, thrown down the basement steps, having a knife pressed into my side, being body-slammed to the floor, having my head beat against a window till I was sure it was going to break.
Every time he abused me, whether physical or verbal, another piece of me was chipped away until I started entertaining suicidal thoughts.
I do pray that my 22 year old hits her codependent bottom before it gets that bad for her, I truly do.
She's settling for crumbs.
I think the biggest thing that tugs at my heart about your situation is your daughter knowing what you choose to live with, and I'm sure she loves you with all her heart.
That must be incredibly painful for her.
I never once thought of how my codependency affected my kids until 1999 when I hit bottom, and I saw the pain in my youngest daughter's eyes, and she cried for days on end after the ex-fiance walked out on us.
That was extremely painful for me. I made a firm commitment to get serious about recovery from codependency.
I was at the big Pretty Prairie rodeo two nights this past week to watch my beautiful 22 year old daughter on her horse, Sonny, performing with the Pretty Prairie drill team.
She's been with an alcoholic for almost a year now.
Both nights at the rodeo, when they came to find me and his mother (who rode with me) in the stands, he had a beer in hand, and I had honestly forgotten how bad it smells.
She had told me not too long ago that he "doesn't drink that much." She spent a lot of time rationalizing the amount, and that it is okay with her.
It's been a long time since I had active alcoholism in my home, and my head and heart are clear these days.
What I see in my daughter is me at that age, only she doesn't drink. She is a flaming codependent however.
She's already lowered her bar of standards. It's okay because he 'loves her.'
I view it with a great deal of sadness, but I am also grateful that I am where I am today. I am grateful that she has seen a strong and independent mother the past 11 years who has not settled for less than she deserves.
Alcoholism is cunning, baffling, and powerful. That doesn't just apply to the drunk and his/her behavior/thinking. It also applies to what the loved one will settle for as time goes on.
My bar of standards got lower and lower and lower when I was with my EXAH.
That culminated in being hit in the back of the head, thrown down the basement steps, having a knife pressed into my side, being body-slammed to the floor, having my head beat against a window till I was sure it was going to break.
Every time he abused me, whether physical or verbal, another piece of me was chipped away until I started entertaining suicidal thoughts.
I do pray that my 22 year old hits her codependent bottom before it gets that bad for her, I truly do.
She's settling for crumbs.
I think the biggest thing that tugs at my heart about your situation is your daughter knowing what you choose to live with, and I'm sure she loves you with all her heart.
That must be incredibly painful for her.
I never once thought of how my codependency affected my kids until 1999 when I hit bottom, and I saw the pain in my youngest daughter's eyes, and she cried for days on end after the ex-fiance walked out on us.
That was extremely painful for me. I made a firm commitment to get serious about recovery from codependency.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 385
"I am not saying that my choice would be that of everyone's here either but we all do the best we can with what we know and what we have"
Not to be too obstreperous, but this statement is IMO a sweet sentiment, but untrue, especially when we are talking about the insanity of addiction (and codependency is an addiction). Human beings in general pretty consistently act against their own self interest, doing far less than "the best" they can, and thinking they "know" far more than they do. The statement appeals to my self indulgent ego, which seldom wishes to confront my own culpability in the consequences of my behaviors.
This is not to blame anyone for anything, but only to change the expectations we may have of each other...especially crazy people (addicts). I no longer "blame" mom and dad for my addiction, not because they did the best with what they knew, but because my goal is to be a loving person, which means accepting them as they are, loving them for who they are rather than what I'd wished they could be. They are responsible for their own behaviors....but that is no longer any of my business. It doesn't matter WHY. It does matter how I respond.
A hallmark of addiction is "getting high or drunk without my own permission."
blessings
zenbear
Not to be too obstreperous, but this statement is IMO a sweet sentiment, but untrue, especially when we are talking about the insanity of addiction (and codependency is an addiction). Human beings in general pretty consistently act against their own self interest, doing far less than "the best" they can, and thinking they "know" far more than they do. The statement appeals to my self indulgent ego, which seldom wishes to confront my own culpability in the consequences of my behaviors.
This is not to blame anyone for anything, but only to change the expectations we may have of each other...especially crazy people (addicts). I no longer "blame" mom and dad for my addiction, not because they did the best with what they knew, but because my goal is to be a loving person, which means accepting them as they are, loving them for who they are rather than what I'd wished they could be. They are responsible for their own behaviors....but that is no longer any of my business. It doesn't matter WHY. It does matter how I respond.
A hallmark of addiction is "getting high or drunk without my own permission."
blessings
zenbear
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Sunny So-Cal
Posts: 8
I was drawn to your post, as I am in a similar situation, looking for ESH. My husband of 27 years has been "attempting" sobriety for the last 10 months, somewhat halfheartedly, with regular relapses, the most recent one was yesterday. You sound like you have accepted your husband for what he is (an active alcoholic), which I think is important, as it allows you to have an honest relationship. Your relationship seems to have more good points than bad, which make sense for you to stay for now.
I have also stayed in my marriage for similar reasons: we make a good team, have two great kids (also grown) that would still be devastated by divorce, had a good friendship at one point that I hope can be restored, etc.
The bottom line is you have to do what is right for you. And if staying feels right, then do it. You will know if and when it is time to leave. That is what I am relying on. For me to leave feels like I would be tearing myself in two, tearing my family apart. So for now I am staying, but planning......
I hope this helps.
I have also stayed in my marriage for similar reasons: we make a good team, have two great kids (also grown) that would still be devastated by divorce, had a good friendship at one point that I hope can be restored, etc.
The bottom line is you have to do what is right for you. And if staying feels right, then do it. You will know if and when it is time to leave. That is what I am relying on. For me to leave feels like I would be tearing myself in two, tearing my family apart. So for now I am staying, but planning......
I hope this helps.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 436
Thanks for all your reply's. We are all coming from such different places but I appreciate your honesty and candor.
I am desperately trying not to justify my decision to stay with AH as it is something I do regularly with my therapist and he doesnt like to hear it!
My AH and I met at 14/15yrs old, way before the drinking started. We have been married for 22 yrs and have know each other for 30 yrs. We have had lots of marriage guidance counseling over the years, which I thought was down to poor communication skills, now I realise more likely down to the effect of alcohol and my trying to communicate with him, when he was drunk. Last Sep/Oct time, the amount he was spending and amount he was buying started to grind on me and I became obsessed. We were getting into all sorts of fights about alcohol controlling him and it escalated into AH telling me that he was choosing alcohol over me. This is when someone suggested Al-anon to me and I was surprised when I went to my first meeting I couldn't believe how much I could relate and had my lightbulb moment that H was an AH.
Alcoholism is progressive, I know that, but I had managed to live with him for 22 yrs by that stage and just felt that I needed to learn how to detach and not be so codependent.
IMO AH is at the stage of his addiction that makes him respond by attacking the attacker. When I complain or confront him him about his behaviors/drinking then my own vulnerabilities are picked at by him, hence the verbal abuse. He is never violent, just cold and cruel. Its is never acceptable but is part of the disease.
Obviously I am in a very different place today than the last 22 yrs. I attend Al-anon, therapy, I read codependent no more and other great books, I visit this site and know much more about alcoholism the disease and what I am dealing with or facing.
If I was to leave and start a new relationship, you bet that I would never knowingly go through this merry-go-round again - its not something any of us choose - once bitten and all that.
One of my favourite books is 'Too good to leave, too bad to stay' by Mira Kirshenbaum and the title says it all for me really. I am never saying never and one day I may find living with a AH, all too much to stay.
I am desperately trying not to justify my decision to stay with AH as it is something I do regularly with my therapist and he doesnt like to hear it!
My AH and I met at 14/15yrs old, way before the drinking started. We have been married for 22 yrs and have know each other for 30 yrs. We have had lots of marriage guidance counseling over the years, which I thought was down to poor communication skills, now I realise more likely down to the effect of alcohol and my trying to communicate with him, when he was drunk. Last Sep/Oct time, the amount he was spending and amount he was buying started to grind on me and I became obsessed. We were getting into all sorts of fights about alcohol controlling him and it escalated into AH telling me that he was choosing alcohol over me. This is when someone suggested Al-anon to me and I was surprised when I went to my first meeting I couldn't believe how much I could relate and had my lightbulb moment that H was an AH.
Alcoholism is progressive, I know that, but I had managed to live with him for 22 yrs by that stage and just felt that I needed to learn how to detach and not be so codependent.
IMO AH is at the stage of his addiction that makes him respond by attacking the attacker. When I complain or confront him him about his behaviors/drinking then my own vulnerabilities are picked at by him, hence the verbal abuse. He is never violent, just cold and cruel. Its is never acceptable but is part of the disease.
Obviously I am in a very different place today than the last 22 yrs. I attend Al-anon, therapy, I read codependent no more and other great books, I visit this site and know much more about alcoholism the disease and what I am dealing with or facing.
If I was to leave and start a new relationship, you bet that I would never knowingly go through this merry-go-round again - its not something any of us choose - once bitten and all that.
One of my favourite books is 'Too good to leave, too bad to stay' by Mira Kirshenbaum and the title says it all for me really. I am never saying never and one day I may find living with a AH, all too much to stay.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 436
I think the biggest thing that tugs at my heart about your situation is your daughter knowing what you choose to live with, and I'm sure she loves you with all her heart.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Missouri
Posts: 673
First and foremost, make sure you take care of yourself. Next, understand that nothing you do, say, think, try, beg for, etc will change him. Be willing to move out fast should things get dangerous, and ready yourself for that possibility by putting aside $'s, having a bag packed, open a separate bank account, etc. Again, take care of yourself.
I wish you success in whatever you do!
Huggs, Tigg
I wish you success in whatever you do!
Huggs, Tigg
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