Holy cow - alanonic breakthrough
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 218
Holy cow - alanonic breakthrough
So I've been in alanon, working the steps, for about 11 months now - and I just had a great, mindblowing, actual honest-to-god conversation with my sister about minefield family stuff that was really beautiful and validating.
It was the kind of conversation I've been dreaming of having for, ooooh - maybe two decades? About the alcoholism in our family, the family system and my feelings about it. In particular an aunt who has been really rude to me since I got sober five years ago (ironically ..) and how it has felt in recent years to have the rest of the family kind of ignore her behavior because it's uncomfortable. She's due to visit in October - my sister is kind of excited about it, me - not so much.
I've been a little resentful that it's something I'm dreading while she's looking forward to it. I've been working and praying on that and today the visit came up over lunch. My aunt is a touchy subject and today I told my sister, simply, that her relationship with my aunt is absolutely none of my business. I feel kind of abandoned that her behavior towards me doesn't seem to bother my sister - and I explained why, where the roots of that are, and told her that it's my stuff to deal with. She was -horrified- that I felt that way (she thought I just brushed my aunt's nonsense off - I don't it's really painful) and she really heard me. Even if she hadn't, I had let go of outcomes - and I told her, and I meant it, that we have so few female elders left in our family that I'm glad she feels close to my aunt. It's not her fault that my aunt thinks I'm bat*&it crazy for wanting to work through family "stuff" (for and by myself) that she would rather pretend never happened. My aunt's behavior is not her responsibility. My aunt's behavior is not my responsibility. I am my responsibility.
Then ... we started talking about the stuff my aunt would rather pretend never happened - like my mother's raging alcoholism and how we both felt about it. My sister remembered things from early in the piece that I had forgotten. My mother is gone now and we both love and miss her - and this is the first time ever in my life that my sister and I have talked about the shared experience of my mother's drinking and how it affected us.
And, folks, it all started with my giving her permission to feel what she wants to feel and make and nurture the family relationships she wants to
make because ...it's none of my business. But I was clear and open for the first time that my aunt's words and actions are hurtful to me and I'm entitled to my own feelings about - everything, really. I'll be happy to raise this with my aunt in person while she's here if it comes up again - and I'll do it calmly, as I did today.
I felt closer to my sister than I have ever felt to her. I know, for sure, that pre alanon it would likely have been a heated discussion about my aunt's visit that didn't really address the nut of the issue (alcoholism, family denial and what the family will do to protect that denial). But it was ... great. No pre-planning and it was just great.
I feel like I just grew up a little right in my own kitchen.
For anyone back and forthing about whether to give alanon a try - Oy, it has had a positive effect on more areas of my life that I ever would have imagined a year ago. And I'm only at the starting blocks of the program.
Hugs,
SL
It was the kind of conversation I've been dreaming of having for, ooooh - maybe two decades? About the alcoholism in our family, the family system and my feelings about it. In particular an aunt who has been really rude to me since I got sober five years ago (ironically ..) and how it has felt in recent years to have the rest of the family kind of ignore her behavior because it's uncomfortable. She's due to visit in October - my sister is kind of excited about it, me - not so much.
I've been a little resentful that it's something I'm dreading while she's looking forward to it. I've been working and praying on that and today the visit came up over lunch. My aunt is a touchy subject and today I told my sister, simply, that her relationship with my aunt is absolutely none of my business. I feel kind of abandoned that her behavior towards me doesn't seem to bother my sister - and I explained why, where the roots of that are, and told her that it's my stuff to deal with. She was -horrified- that I felt that way (she thought I just brushed my aunt's nonsense off - I don't it's really painful) and she really heard me. Even if she hadn't, I had let go of outcomes - and I told her, and I meant it, that we have so few female elders left in our family that I'm glad she feels close to my aunt. It's not her fault that my aunt thinks I'm bat*&it crazy for wanting to work through family "stuff" (for and by myself) that she would rather pretend never happened. My aunt's behavior is not her responsibility. My aunt's behavior is not my responsibility. I am my responsibility.
Then ... we started talking about the stuff my aunt would rather pretend never happened - like my mother's raging alcoholism and how we both felt about it. My sister remembered things from early in the piece that I had forgotten. My mother is gone now and we both love and miss her - and this is the first time ever in my life that my sister and I have talked about the shared experience of my mother's drinking and how it affected us.
And, folks, it all started with my giving her permission to feel what she wants to feel and make and nurture the family relationships she wants to
make because ...it's none of my business. But I was clear and open for the first time that my aunt's words and actions are hurtful to me and I'm entitled to my own feelings about - everything, really. I'll be happy to raise this with my aunt in person while she's here if it comes up again - and I'll do it calmly, as I did today.
I felt closer to my sister than I have ever felt to her. I know, for sure, that pre alanon it would likely have been a heated discussion about my aunt's visit that didn't really address the nut of the issue (alcoholism, family denial and what the family will do to protect that denial). But it was ... great. No pre-planning and it was just great.
I feel like I just grew up a little right in my own kitchen.
For anyone back and forthing about whether to give alanon a try - Oy, it has had a positive effect on more areas of my life that I ever would have imagined a year ago. And I'm only at the starting blocks of the program.
Hugs,
SL
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Wonderful, wonderful post. It would appear the promises are reaching you!
The Alanon promises are what will happen to those who work recovery in Alanon.
(If you Google "Alanon promises" you will find these in any number of references online. They originated from an Alanon book as cited below.)
THE AL-ANON PROMISES
• If we willingly surrender ourselves to the spiritual discipline of the Twelve Steps, our lives will be transformed. We will become mature, responsible individuals with a great capacity for joy, fulfillment, and wonder.
• Though we may never be perfect, continued spiritual progress will reveal to us our enormous potential. We will discover that we are worthy of love and loving.
• We will love others without losing ourselves, and will learn to accept love in return.
• Our sight, once clouded and confused, will clear and we will be able to perceive reality and recognize truth.
• Courage and fellowship will replace fear.
• We will be able to risk failure to develop new, hidden talents.
• Our lives, no matter how battered and degraded, will yield hope to share with others.
• We will begin to feel and will come to know the vastness of our emotions, but we will not be slaves to them.
• Our secrets will no longer bind us in shame.
• As we gain the ability to forgive ourselves, our families, and the world, our choices will expand.
• With dignity we will stand for ourselves, but not against our fellows.
• Serenity and peace will have meaning for us as we allow our lives and the lives of those we love to flow day by day with God's ease, balance, and grace.
• No longer terrified, we will discover we are free to delight in life's paradox, mystery, and awe.
• We will laugh more.
• Fear will be replaced by faith, and gratitude will come naturally as we realize that our Higher Power is doing for us what we cannot do for ourselves.
p. 269-270 "From Survival to Recovery"
The Alanon promises are what will happen to those who work recovery in Alanon.
(If you Google "Alanon promises" you will find these in any number of references online. They originated from an Alanon book as cited below.)
THE AL-ANON PROMISES
• If we willingly surrender ourselves to the spiritual discipline of the Twelve Steps, our lives will be transformed. We will become mature, responsible individuals with a great capacity for joy, fulfillment, and wonder.
• Though we may never be perfect, continued spiritual progress will reveal to us our enormous potential. We will discover that we are worthy of love and loving.
• We will love others without losing ourselves, and will learn to accept love in return.
• Our sight, once clouded and confused, will clear and we will be able to perceive reality and recognize truth.
• Courage and fellowship will replace fear.
• We will be able to risk failure to develop new, hidden talents.
• Our lives, no matter how battered and degraded, will yield hope to share with others.
• We will begin to feel and will come to know the vastness of our emotions, but we will not be slaves to them.
• Our secrets will no longer bind us in shame.
• As we gain the ability to forgive ourselves, our families, and the world, our choices will expand.
• With dignity we will stand for ourselves, but not against our fellows.
• Serenity and peace will have meaning for us as we allow our lives and the lives of those we love to flow day by day with God's ease, balance, and grace.
• No longer terrified, we will discover we are free to delight in life's paradox, mystery, and awe.
• We will laugh more.
• Fear will be replaced by faith, and gratitude will come naturally as we realize that our Higher Power is doing for us what we cannot do for ourselves.
p. 269-270 "From Survival to Recovery"
Awakening
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
Originally Posted by catlovermi 
Wonderful, wonderful post. It would appear the promises are reaching you!
The Alanon promises are what will happen to those who work recovery in Alanon.
(If you Google "Alanon promises" you will find these in any number of references online. They originated from an Alanon book as cited below.)
THE AL-ANON PROMISES
• If we willingly surrender ourselves to the spiritual discipline of the Twelve Steps, our lives will be transformed. We will become mature, responsible individuals with a great capacity for joy, fulfillment, and wonder.
• Though we may never be perfect, continued spiritual progress will reveal to us our enormous potential. We will discover that we are worthy of love and loving.
• We will love others without losing ourselves, and will learn to accept love in return.
• Our sight, once clouded and confused, will clear and we will be able to perceive reality and recognize truth.
• Courage and fellowship will replace fear.
• We will be able to risk failure to develop new, hidden talents.
• Our lives, no matter how battered and degraded, will yield hope to share with others.
• We will begin to feel and will come to know the vastness of our emotions, but we will not be slaves to them.
• Our secrets will no longer bind us in shame.
• As we gain the ability to forgive ourselves, our families, and the world, our choices will expand.
• With dignity we will stand for ourselves, but not against our fellows.
• Serenity and peace will have meaning for us as we allow our lives and the lives of those we love to flow day by day with God's ease, balance, and grace.
• No longer terrified, we will discover we are free to delight in life's paradox, mystery, and awe.
• We will laugh more.
• Fear will be replaced by faith, and gratitude will come naturally as we realize that our Higher Power is doing for us what we cannot do for ourselves.
p. 269-270 "From Survival to Recovery"
The Alanon promises are what will happen to those who work recovery in Alanon.
(If you Google "Alanon promises" you will find these in any number of references online. They originated from an Alanon book as cited below.)
THE AL-ANON PROMISES
• If we willingly surrender ourselves to the spiritual discipline of the Twelve Steps, our lives will be transformed. We will become mature, responsible individuals with a great capacity for joy, fulfillment, and wonder.
• Though we may never be perfect, continued spiritual progress will reveal to us our enormous potential. We will discover that we are worthy of love and loving.
• We will love others without losing ourselves, and will learn to accept love in return.
• Our sight, once clouded and confused, will clear and we will be able to perceive reality and recognize truth.
• Courage and fellowship will replace fear.
• We will be able to risk failure to develop new, hidden talents.
• Our lives, no matter how battered and degraded, will yield hope to share with others.
• We will begin to feel and will come to know the vastness of our emotions, but we will not be slaves to them.
• Our secrets will no longer bind us in shame.
• As we gain the ability to forgive ourselves, our families, and the world, our choices will expand.
• With dignity we will stand for ourselves, but not against our fellows.
• Serenity and peace will have meaning for us as we allow our lives and the lives of those we love to flow day by day with God's ease, balance, and grace.
• No longer terrified, we will discover we are free to delight in life's paradox, mystery, and awe.
• We will laugh more.
• Fear will be replaced by faith, and gratitude will come naturally as we realize that our Higher Power is doing for us what we cannot do for ourselves.
p. 269-270 "From Survival to Recovery"
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
Awakening
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
Originally Posted by stilllearning
So I've been in alanon, working the steps, for about 11 months now - and I just had a great, mindblowing, actual honest-to-god conversation with my sister about minefield family stuff that was really beautiful and validating.
It was the kind of conversation I've been dreaming of having for, ooooh - maybe two decades? About the alcoholism in our family, the family system and my feelings about it. In particular an aunt who has been really rude to me since I got sober five years ago (ironically ..) and how it has felt in recent years to have the rest of the family kind of ignore her behavior because it's uncomfortable. She's due to visit in October - my sister is kind of excited about it, me - not so much.
I've been a little resentful that it's something I'm dreading while she's looking forward to it. I've been working and praying on that and today the visit came up over lunch. My aunt is a touchy subject and today I told my sister, simply, that her relationship with my aunt is absolutely none of my business. I feel kind of abandoned that her behavior towards me doesn't seem to bother my sister - and I explained why, where the roots of that are, and told her that it's my stuff to deal with. She was -horrified- that I felt that way (she thought I just brushed my aunt's nonsense off - I don't it's really painful) and she really heard me. Even if she hadn't, I had let go of outcomes - and I told her, and I meant it, that we have so few female elders left in our family that I'm glad she feels close to my aunt. It's not her fault that my aunt thinks I'm bat*&it crazy for wanting to work through family "stuff" (for and by myself) that she would rather pretend never happened. My aunt's behavior is not her responsibility. My aunt's behavior is not my responsibility. I am my responsibility.
Then ... we started talking about the stuff my aunt would rather pretend never happened - like my mother's raging alcoholism and how we both felt about it. My sister remembered things from early in the piece that I had forgotten. My mother is gone now and we both love and miss her - and this is the first time ever in my life that my sister and I have talked about the shared experience of my mother's drinking and how it affected us.
And, folks, it all started with my giving her permission to feel what she wants to feel and make and nurture the family relationships she wants to
make because ...it's none of my business. But I was clear and open for the first time that my aunt's words and actions are hurtful to me and I'm entitled to my own feelings about - everything, really. I'll be happy to raise this with my aunt in person while she's here if it comes up again - and I'll do it calmly, as I did today.
I felt closer to my sister than I have ever felt to her. I know, for sure, that pre alanon it would likely have been a heated discussion about my aunt's visit that didn't really address the nut of the issue (alcoholism, family denial and what the family will do to protect that denial). But it was ... great. No pre-planning and it was just great.
I feel like I just grew up a little right in my own kitchen.
For anyone back and forthing about whether to give alanon a try - Oy, it has had a positive effect on more areas of my life that I ever would have imagined a year ago. And I'm only at the starting blocks of the program.
Hugs,
SL
It was the kind of conversation I've been dreaming of having for, ooooh - maybe two decades? About the alcoholism in our family, the family system and my feelings about it. In particular an aunt who has been really rude to me since I got sober five years ago (ironically ..) and how it has felt in recent years to have the rest of the family kind of ignore her behavior because it's uncomfortable. She's due to visit in October - my sister is kind of excited about it, me - not so much.
I've been a little resentful that it's something I'm dreading while she's looking forward to it. I've been working and praying on that and today the visit came up over lunch. My aunt is a touchy subject and today I told my sister, simply, that her relationship with my aunt is absolutely none of my business. I feel kind of abandoned that her behavior towards me doesn't seem to bother my sister - and I explained why, where the roots of that are, and told her that it's my stuff to deal with. She was -horrified- that I felt that way (she thought I just brushed my aunt's nonsense off - I don't it's really painful) and she really heard me. Even if she hadn't, I had let go of outcomes - and I told her, and I meant it, that we have so few female elders left in our family that I'm glad she feels close to my aunt. It's not her fault that my aunt thinks I'm bat*&it crazy for wanting to work through family "stuff" (for and by myself) that she would rather pretend never happened. My aunt's behavior is not her responsibility. My aunt's behavior is not my responsibility. I am my responsibility.
Then ... we started talking about the stuff my aunt would rather pretend never happened - like my mother's raging alcoholism and how we both felt about it. My sister remembered things from early in the piece that I had forgotten. My mother is gone now and we both love and miss her - and this is the first time ever in my life that my sister and I have talked about the shared experience of my mother's drinking and how it affected us.
And, folks, it all started with my giving her permission to feel what she wants to feel and make and nurture the family relationships she wants to
make because ...it's none of my business. But I was clear and open for the first time that my aunt's words and actions are hurtful to me and I'm entitled to my own feelings about - everything, really. I'll be happy to raise this with my aunt in person while she's here if it comes up again - and I'll do it calmly, as I did today.
I felt closer to my sister than I have ever felt to her. I know, for sure, that pre alanon it would likely have been a heated discussion about my aunt's visit that didn't really address the nut of the issue (alcoholism, family denial and what the family will do to protect that denial). But it was ... great. No pre-planning and it was just great.
I feel like I just grew up a little right in my own kitchen.
For anyone back and forthing about whether to give alanon a try - Oy, it has had a positive effect on more areas of my life that I ever would have imagined a year ago. And I'm only at the starting blocks of the program.
Hugs,
SL
There is something almost "magical" about this whole Alanon thing that is very hard to describe to someone else who hasn't experienced it, isn't there?
You expressed the Alanon phenomenon very well. Thank you.
I feel the same way about having gained so much, while just having scratched the surface.
It seems key to me that somehow, "turning loose of the outcome" of a certain event almost guarantees a positive outcome. Although I must confess, I still don't exactly understand why.
It's a beautiful thing. Quite, how shall I say, IRONICAL.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 218
Oh boy, thanks team SR! I got a little bit choked up and a lot moved to read all your responses. Catlovermi I -love- the alanon promises and had never seen them before. I don't have from Survival to Recovery - but we read passages from it at meetings. I think I'd like my own copy! I think this one is what happened yesterday:
"stand for ourselves, but not against our fellows"
And it was momentous. If I can get even a third of that list happening in my life, I'll be a very, very happy girl.
Keep working it folks - it really does work!
And Anvil - I may well just grow right back down again as soon as my aunt is across state lines (will keep you posted
). It's going to be an interesting visit, that's for sure. But at least I'm building a toolbox to help me deal with it with some grace and strength.
Hugs,
SL.
"stand for ourselves, but not against our fellows"
And it was momentous. If I can get even a third of that list happening in my life, I'll be a very, very happy girl.
Keep working it folks - it really does work!
And Anvil - I may well just grow right back down again as soon as my aunt is across state lines (will keep you posted
). It's going to be an interesting visit, that's for sure. But at least I'm building a toolbox to help me deal with it with some grace and strength.Hugs,
SL.
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