FarawayFromCars

In another part of her long email, my mom wrote that I need to “practice forgiveness”, and by setting boundaries with AS, I am not doing so. She says that if I “were to forgive AS, I would be supportive of her by allowing her into my life”. Boundaries, to my mom, are neither healthy nor practice “forgiveness”. Boundaries are shutting people out.
So after some thought, I believe that my mom’s take on “forgiveness” is a little off.

I’ve summarized my mom’s take on “forgiveness” here. To my mom, forgiving AS means:

1.) that AS is removed from any and all responsibility connected to her problem
2.) AS can drink, make up excuses / lies for her drinking, tell the family those lies, and if we “forgive her” we should believe her and thus allow AS to continue drinking without consequences
3.) “forgiveness” is to put the needs of AS and her problems before our own
4.) “forgiveness” is to not have enough self-worth to put our own needs first: health, well-being, relationships
5.) “forgiveness” means that AS comes first in every aspect of life
6.) “forgiveness” means that AS—as an adult—must not have the capability to take care of herself, and we should assume that she can’t, which removes her from a.) assuming responsibility of her problem and b.) somewhat insulting in the sense that it sees AS as a helpless adult who is incapable of getting better.

So that’s my mom’s definition of “forgiveness”. I don’t buy it. I also struggle with the fact that it doesn't (in my book) come down to "forgiving" my sister. Forgive her for what? For being an alcoholic? She has a disease...to me forgiveness doesn't fit the fact that she has a disease (would you "forgive" someone for having cancer?). Hope that makes sense....Thoughts?

suki44883

With all due respect to your mother...her way of doing things could very well be the death of your sister. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but as many people here know, it is entirely possible to love someone to death. But then, you can't change your mother any more than you can change your sister. You have to do whatever is necessary to retain sanity in your own life. I think you are wise to go no contact with them for a while.

Jadmack25

"I forgive you for being an alcoholic",...... as you say, that is silly, as she didn't ask to be hit with addiction.

You could forgive her every day for the next 10 years, and still keep away from her chaos and toxicity.

So mum is very forgiving? Or is it easier to "forgive" and cop the c**p from AS, than to make a stand and stick to it? You are being told off for doing just that, to safeguard yourself and family from passive alcoholism, but maybe mum sees it as you not joining her and shouldering some of your AS's actions.

If mum os ok to tolerate this then that is her choice, but it sure doesn't give her the right to hassle you for your choice...to keep away.

Stick with it.

God bless

coyote21

Yup.

You know, FAFC, my xmil is similar to your mom, but seems to have had her fill in a lot of respects. It was frustrating for me at first.

Till one day it dawned on me, that's her child. Then I came to realize how awful it must be for the moms, yours and my mil.

From reading other mom's post on here, about their precious children falling victim to this disease, it's got to be the worst. Throw a little guilt and shame in there, man I don't know how they cope.

I know how bad it was for me, and it wasn't even my kid. But I do have a kid, so I get it a little.

Seems like you may be tired of coming in second to your sister, attention wise. I may be talkin' out my azz now, 'cause I don't have any siblings. But you know, you're the successful one with all her "stuff" together, maybe your mom feels like you don't need anything. Maybe she's wrong about that, too.

IDK, but I can promise you one thing, your mom is at least as sick as your sister. I know that from personal experience.

Hang in there. FWIW, I think you are doing the right thing for yourself and your sister by detaching. I know it sucks.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

FarawayFromCars

Yes....I do realize that my perspective is different from hers--I don't have kids, so I cannot truly understand what she is going through. I think where my frustration lies is in the fact that she will not accept / support my decision to set boundaries. But like someone on here said...I cannot change my mom any more than I can change AS. All I can do is detach and change myself and make myself a better person.

Funny you said she is just as sick as my sister, coyote...had a long, good talk with a coworker / friend (who also has an alcoholic sister), and she said the same thing. It helps to view it in that way, I think.

FarawayFromCars

Suki...I absolutely agree....sadly that thought has crossed my mind many times: if nothing changes, nothing changes...and things certainly get worse.

suki44883

You sound strong and that's a good thing. The fact is, no one quits until they are done. That's the same for the codie/enabler and the addict themselves. Everyone has to reach their own bottom.