Feel like I am letting my kids down ...
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Join Date: Sep 2004
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Feel like I am letting my kids down ...
Feeling down tonight ... feeling overwhelmed with guilt. With all the changes in my life, I feel I am not spending enough time communicating with my children... feeling like my eldest child being angry and mean to his little brother is probably my fault. 
My eldest gets angry very easily these days. As I am packing to move to the new house, I let him and his little brother watch loads of TV. On top of that there is a lot of pressure at work, with a big deadline at the end of August. My eldest often gets angry towards the little one, and hits him. He seems happy when his little brother is sad. I feel so saddened by this. One of the reasons I left AH was seeing my eldest behaviour towards his younger sibling – I thought he modelled his behaviour on his dad’s - after we left things were better– now it is getting bad again.
My eldest comes across as a very angry child, except when we are just the 2 of us. A while back I had set up a nice bedtime routine to spend time with each child in turn, but these past days I felt too exhausted and most night I have put them both to bed at the same time to get the extra time to sleep.
It feels like an unsolvable puzzle - finding the time to 1) sleep enough, 2) do the work I have to do, 3) spend quality time with each kid, 4) control my responding to my eldest behaviour to try to improve things,
As doing 2 negatively impacts 3 and 4, doing 3 and 4 negatively impacts either 1 or 2, lack of 1 make it much harder to do 2,3 and 4 . Aaargh !!!
I have them 24/7 and I wish I had a break – to refocus on things – get some perspective – think things through – I don’t know – maybe I should take a break from work to refocus on them – then again I risk losing my job – but then again they are much more important to me than my job.
Tonight I have been browsing the web in search for books on how to deal with an angry child and then just broke down crying
. I will get a book from the library tomorrow. I have to beat this. I have to give my kids a good start in life. I have to not be overtired, watch out for my son, help him change his behaviour (which involves me making more time for both kids I think - this will be easier once the move is done).
Sorry for the ranting – thinking aloud there – just had to get it off my chest.
My eldest gets angry very easily these days. As I am packing to move to the new house, I let him and his little brother watch loads of TV. On top of that there is a lot of pressure at work, with a big deadline at the end of August. My eldest often gets angry towards the little one, and hits him. He seems happy when his little brother is sad. I feel so saddened by this. One of the reasons I left AH was seeing my eldest behaviour towards his younger sibling – I thought he modelled his behaviour on his dad’s - after we left things were better– now it is getting bad again.
My eldest comes across as a very angry child, except when we are just the 2 of us. A while back I had set up a nice bedtime routine to spend time with each child in turn, but these past days I felt too exhausted and most night I have put them both to bed at the same time to get the extra time to sleep.
It feels like an unsolvable puzzle - finding the time to 1) sleep enough, 2) do the work I have to do, 3) spend quality time with each kid, 4) control my responding to my eldest behaviour to try to improve things,
As doing 2 negatively impacts 3 and 4, doing 3 and 4 negatively impacts either 1 or 2, lack of 1 make it much harder to do 2,3 and 4 . Aaargh !!!
I have them 24/7 and I wish I had a break – to refocus on things – get some perspective – think things through – I don’t know – maybe I should take a break from work to refocus on them – then again I risk losing my job – but then again they are much more important to me than my job.
Tonight I have been browsing the web in search for books on how to deal with an angry child and then just broke down crying
. I will get a book from the library tomorrow. I have to beat this. I have to give my kids a good start in life. I have to not be overtired, watch out for my son, help him change his behaviour (which involves me making more time for both kids I think - this will be easier once the move is done). Sorry for the ranting – thinking aloud there – just had to get it off my chest.
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
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hang in there, Mom! It is so easy for us to carry the world on our shoulders and you have high standards~It is natural for the kids to be angry, but not okay to be mean.
I know you will figure out how best to handle it, you just can't do all things at once...healing and regrouping takes time.
Be gentle to you!
You have had enough blame and verbal abuse in the past, please don't heap it on yourself, you left to get that out of your life!
many hugs!
I know you will figure out how best to handle it, you just can't do all things at once...healing and regrouping takes time.
Be gentle to you!
You have had enough blame and verbal abuse in the past, please don't heap it on yourself, you left to get that out of your life!
many hugs!
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Join Date: Sep 2004
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Originally Posted by Live 
You have had enough blame and verbal abuse in the past, please don't heap it on yourself, you left to get that out of your life!
many hugs!
many hugs!
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 693
atdawn I have been there and still there some days.
As for spending time with kids--some days you just have to say no to the packing. It will get done--even if it means tossing stuff at the last minute into boxes. Do you have anyone who can help you pack so you can spend time with your kids or who can watch your kids so you can get your packing done faster so you have more time for your kids? It is hard to pack when you are playing referee and tired. I called in the big guns (my sister--she is the queen of search and toss when it comes to moving time)
Both my sons are having a rough time. Older DS picks on younger DS and younger DS hauls off and kicks him in the shins. Yesterday older DS was beauty and younger son was the beast. Younger son woke up an hour after falling asleep cryinig out for me and was shaking. All he kept saying is I need you Mama, I want you Mama. So, whatever I was doing got dropped instantly and I spent time rocking him and letting him know that I was there. A rocking chair and lap are incredible tools. My older DS would kill me if he knew I said this--but I even rock him (he is 9 and weighs 80 pounds). He needs to feel the calm and needs to know I am there.
Some times we get all caught up in trying to get caught up. Slow down if you can and step back. That may not mean leaving work. Do people at work know (care) what is going on at home? Do you have an Employee Assistance Program you can go to so they know what is going on at home and can pave the way for a little ease up at work?
How old are your kids? I would guess some of that anger is sad turned inward. Let them talk about it--all. Be an ear. I told my kids we were all going to feel mad and sad some days but that I really hoped we could get some happy and fun in there too.
It is hard to be a single parent and not get a break. It was not until recently that stbxah finally stepped up to the plate and took the kids during his visitation. I am also highly sleep deprived. It makes life even harder. See if you can make a deal with your kids to sleep in on weekends. If they are young enough, all climb in bed together at bed time. If they wake up they can watch cartoons while you snooze--maybe????
You need some time for yourself--I know, I know easier said than done and I was guilty of not taking good care of myself. It is harder to put it all in perspective when it is all a jumbled mass of exhaustion. You can only deal with so much. Get a babysitter if you can and go out with friends every once in awhile or take yourself to do something fun.
As they say when you fly--put that oxygen mask on you first because if you pass out there will be no one to put the oxygen mask on your kids.
You need to take care of you. Put the Wonder Woman costume away and put on your bunny slippers.
Be kind to yourself--you are carrying a huge burden.
As for spending time with kids--some days you just have to say no to the packing. It will get done--even if it means tossing stuff at the last minute into boxes. Do you have anyone who can help you pack so you can spend time with your kids or who can watch your kids so you can get your packing done faster so you have more time for your kids? It is hard to pack when you are playing referee and tired. I called in the big guns (my sister--she is the queen of search and toss when it comes to moving time)
Both my sons are having a rough time. Older DS picks on younger DS and younger DS hauls off and kicks him in the shins. Yesterday older DS was beauty and younger son was the beast. Younger son woke up an hour after falling asleep cryinig out for me and was shaking. All he kept saying is I need you Mama, I want you Mama. So, whatever I was doing got dropped instantly and I spent time rocking him and letting him know that I was there. A rocking chair and lap are incredible tools. My older DS would kill me if he knew I said this--but I even rock him (he is 9 and weighs 80 pounds). He needs to feel the calm and needs to know I am there.
Some times we get all caught up in trying to get caught up. Slow down if you can and step back. That may not mean leaving work. Do people at work know (care) what is going on at home? Do you have an Employee Assistance Program you can go to so they know what is going on at home and can pave the way for a little ease up at work?
How old are your kids? I would guess some of that anger is sad turned inward. Let them talk about it--all. Be an ear. I told my kids we were all going to feel mad and sad some days but that I really hoped we could get some happy and fun in there too.
It is hard to be a single parent and not get a break. It was not until recently that stbxah finally stepped up to the plate and took the kids during his visitation. I am also highly sleep deprived. It makes life even harder. See if you can make a deal with your kids to sleep in on weekends. If they are young enough, all climb in bed together at bed time. If they wake up they can watch cartoons while you snooze--maybe????
You need some time for yourself--I know, I know easier said than done and I was guilty of not taking good care of myself. It is harder to put it all in perspective when it is all a jumbled mass of exhaustion. You can only deal with so much. Get a babysitter if you can and go out with friends every once in awhile or take yourself to do something fun.
As they say when you fly--put that oxygen mask on you first because if you pass out there will be no one to put the oxygen mask on your kids.
You need to take care of you. Put the Wonder Woman costume away and put on your bunny slippers.
Be kind to yourself--you are carrying a huge burden.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Yes mama, you're putting A LOT on yourself and something's gotta give before you do!
Can you try a two-pronged attack? As in, find an occasional sitter to give *you* a break for an hour, two, half a day...AND find someone to help with packing OR just leave some packing not done so you can spend quality time with the kids?
Perhaps at some point, you could consider some counselling for the children, like some play therapy to let them vent their emotions in a safe environment?
*hugs* mama, you're doing great! Remember your end goal!
Can you try a two-pronged attack? As in, find an occasional sitter to give *you* a break for an hour, two, half a day...AND find someone to help with packing OR just leave some packing not done so you can spend quality time with the kids?
Perhaps at some point, you could consider some counselling for the children, like some play therapy to let them vent their emotions in a safe environment?
*hugs* mama, you're doing great! Remember your end goal!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
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Posts: 62
Thanks -
No no one to help me. But: I took a week off ! I'll just have to catch up later, but for now, it feels good.
Have been packing like a madwoman during work hours and am 3/4 done !
Took the kids out last night and had a lovely evening with them.
And as I was not working today I went and had lunch at a nice restaurant - There for the me time!
Thanks Wife2Kids for sharing your story and for your advice and I love the rocking chair idea! Yes I do think the anger is linked to sadness. They are both under 6.
Nodaybut2day: : yes I am thinking about therapy - I went to see a counsellor a few months ago and he gave me tips on things to do myself with the kids - said my kids were probably a bit too young to benefit from individual counselling session. I think I'll give it a month or so of my efforts and then reconsider.
Oh - and I went to the library yesterday and got like 10 books out on parenting (well then they ended up boxed up today , but anyways ... felt like I was taking action .. they'll be unpacked soon enough)
Thanks again !
No no one to help me. But: I took a week off ! I'll just have to catch up later, but for now, it feels good.
Have been packing like a madwoman during work hours and am 3/4 done !
Took the kids out last night and had a lovely evening with them.
And as I was not working today I went and had lunch at a nice restaurant - There for the me time!
Thanks Wife2Kids for sharing your story and for your advice and I love the rocking chair idea! Yes I do think the anger is linked to sadness. They are both under 6.
Nodaybut2day: : yes I am thinking about therapy - I went to see a counsellor a few months ago and he gave me tips on things to do myself with the kids - said my kids were probably a bit too young to benefit from individual counselling session. I think I'll give it a month or so of my efforts and then reconsider.
Oh - and I went to the library yesterday and got like 10 books out on parenting (well then they ended up boxed up today , but anyways ... felt like I was taking action .. they'll be unpacked soon enough)
Thanks again !
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Join Date: Sep 2004
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Posts: 62
Originally Posted by Live
YAY for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What did you have for lunch?
I love the library!
What did you have for lunch?
I love the library!
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