Relapse on its way....I'm out!
aboutdone
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midwest
Posts: 191
Relapse on its way....I'm out!
So, the RXAH and I have been BF/GF pretty much since November. Went to counseling together, separate, then just him. Things had been going pretty smoothly. In fact I just posted the other day about how we went to his sisters, and she was actively drinking again, and he made a stand and we left and drove all night to come home.
We had picked up his 4 boys from a previous marriage there and brought them with us for a 2 week visit. Things didn't go quite so smoothly once home as he has a 10.5 year old that he babies to a point of no return, while being a major hard ass on my kids.
We had a few squabbles over that, but overall, it wasn't too bad considering there was 8 kids here in my home for the better part of 2 weeks.
His kids left Sunday. He went in the bedroom and pouted most of the day. I accepted that he was sad, and was missing them.
Monday rolled around and his job called and told him to come into work later than usual due to the heat. He went back to bed, and hid out in the bedroom pretty much until he had to go to work.
He started getting this particular look on his face, the one that just shows resentment all over the place.
Tuesday, same thing. I kept asking him what all was wrong. Asking him to talk to me. He blamed it on work and stuff. Then I find out that Monday he had managed to spank my 6 yr old while I had ran to the store, which was deserving, however, I don't agree because his 10.5 yr old basically got away with murder while he was here.
So BF goes to work, I talk to him on his lunch hour, and he cuts me off. (behavior from last summer, right before he left). Then he doesn't call at all on next break. Then we text a little bit back and forth, and he comes out with the fact that he has paid all my bills (he hasn't) and he is now broke ( broke because of his kids visiting), and no matter what he does for me, its just not good enough ( same quacking as last summer).
He got off work at 5 am, shows up at my house, starts an argument, wakes the baby, then walks out.
OF COURSE, I chase him down, and gave him the ultimatum that he get his **** together, because I am not doing this again. Last summer was enough for me. We talk at his house, I come home, we text a little bit, and then he goes into the ignore mode. (Just like last summer)
He will have 1 year of sobriety this Sunday.
I am mad as hell. THIS is why I was mad at his sisters.
I keep telling myself, I can't control it, didn't cause it, can't cure it....but I sure wish I would have had a crystal ball last November, because I would never had stepped back into this, had I seen the relapse in the near future.
I don't hate him at all. I just hate this freaking disease with a passion. Now I have to go back to being single AGAIN with my 4 children, and 1 of which is our baby together.
I will not do it again. I can not put myself or my kids through it again.
It just plain sucks.
We had picked up his 4 boys from a previous marriage there and brought them with us for a 2 week visit. Things didn't go quite so smoothly once home as he has a 10.5 year old that he babies to a point of no return, while being a major hard ass on my kids.
We had a few squabbles over that, but overall, it wasn't too bad considering there was 8 kids here in my home for the better part of 2 weeks.
His kids left Sunday. He went in the bedroom and pouted most of the day. I accepted that he was sad, and was missing them.
Monday rolled around and his job called and told him to come into work later than usual due to the heat. He went back to bed, and hid out in the bedroom pretty much until he had to go to work.
He started getting this particular look on his face, the one that just shows resentment all over the place.
Tuesday, same thing. I kept asking him what all was wrong. Asking him to talk to me. He blamed it on work and stuff. Then I find out that Monday he had managed to spank my 6 yr old while I had ran to the store, which was deserving, however, I don't agree because his 10.5 yr old basically got away with murder while he was here.
So BF goes to work, I talk to him on his lunch hour, and he cuts me off. (behavior from last summer, right before he left). Then he doesn't call at all on next break. Then we text a little bit back and forth, and he comes out with the fact that he has paid all my bills (he hasn't) and he is now broke ( broke because of his kids visiting), and no matter what he does for me, its just not good enough ( same quacking as last summer).
He got off work at 5 am, shows up at my house, starts an argument, wakes the baby, then walks out.
OF COURSE, I chase him down, and gave him the ultimatum that he get his **** together, because I am not doing this again. Last summer was enough for me. We talk at his house, I come home, we text a little bit, and then he goes into the ignore mode. (Just like last summer)
He will have 1 year of sobriety this Sunday.
I am mad as hell. THIS is why I was mad at his sisters.
I keep telling myself, I can't control it, didn't cause it, can't cure it....but I sure wish I would have had a crystal ball last November, because I would never had stepped back into this, had I seen the relapse in the near future.
I don't hate him at all. I just hate this freaking disease with a passion. Now I have to go back to being single AGAIN with my 4 children, and 1 of which is our baby together.
I will not do it again. I can not put myself or my kids through it again.
It just plain sucks.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,913
Yeah, it does suck, but stick to your guns. You are already living apart, so just concentrate on your own issues and don't get drawn into his quacking. If he wants to drink, he'll drink. It would probably be best if you limited your contact with him to the child you have together. When he starts in on the other stuff, just hang up or walk away. You don't have to get involved in the drama. Just take care of yourself and your children. 
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 674
Relapse is always a risk with a recovering alcoholic. But you still do not live with him, and can detach as you need to.
Are you involved with Al-Anon? They have helped me so much to realize that my happiness is not contingent upon the sobriety of my RXABF, whom I have begun to see again as he approaches 6 months sober. I know there are no guarantees, but as long as he works on his recovery every day, I feel I can enjoy having him in my life, one day at a time.
Are you involved with Al-Anon? They have helped me so much to realize that my happiness is not contingent upon the sobriety of my RXABF, whom I have begun to see again as he approaches 6 months sober. I know there are no guarantees, but as long as he works on his recovery every day, I feel I can enjoy having him in my life, one day at a time.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 394
It takes a lot of practice to deal with the quacking. My exAGF lures me in with compliments, niceties, and then the quacking begins. The personal attacks, the lies. Believe me, it used to give me no end of anxiety. For her to prove that I'm such a bad person is going to take a helluva lot more than words.
Mine has BS'd her way through recovery. I've spoken to her 3 times during the past two weeks about our daughter, she even asked me over for a beer.....so much for recovery. At least yours is actually doing recovery. There are good days and bad I'm told......mine simply quacks all the time. Then again, she still drinks. Are you sure yours isn't drinking again?
Has your entire relationship only been since November? That's a little soon for him to be disciplining your children IMO.
Mine has BS'd her way through recovery. I've spoken to her 3 times during the past two weeks about our daughter, she even asked me over for a beer.....so much for recovery. At least yours is actually doing recovery. There are good days and bad I'm told......mine simply quacks all the time. Then again, she still drinks. Are you sure yours isn't drinking again?
Has your entire relationship only been since November? That's a little soon for him to be disciplining your children IMO.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
When I was trying to "make it work" with my XABF years ago, when things reached the stress level you describe, EACH of us separately went to a meeting. That gave us the needed time apart, allowed each of us to take care of some of our own needs, and helped put things back into perspective. Are you going to Al-Anon? Is he in AA?
aboutdone
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midwest
Posts: 191
We were married for 2 years previous to last summer, I filed for divorce and sole custody of our daughter when he went out on a binge, so thankfully I have that headache already over with.
We have separate houses, but since he was too drunk to counter file, or attend the court ordered parenting classes, he didn't attend the final hearing for divorce, where I was awarded basically everything, since he came into the relationship with just the clothes on his back, and has proven he wouldn't take care or maintain anything even if it was given to him in the settlement. So since November, he has basically stayed at my place most every night.
Yes, I do attend Al-Anon, haven't in awhile, he goes to AA but again I don't think he has for awhile, due to his work schedule.
He is very resentful towards me, due to the fact that he doesn't have a vehicle, or anything in his house other than a couch and chair he bought from a friend. Not my problem. So as he stays there, the resentments just build and build, about how I am so awful, that I didn't give him a vehicle so he could blow it up by not putting oil in it, or wreck it with no insurance, as he wouldn't maintain it. As it is, he has wrecked the one vehicle 3 times in the last year, while sober. LOL.
All of the stuff between us has already been protected by me during the divorce last year. He recently wanted to get a place together, which would have made financial sense, but I felt too vulnerable, and that we were not quite ready for that. Apparently that is an issue as well. I just didn't see any point into jumping right back into things until we were good. The funny thing is, just last week, I told him I thought we could sit down and come up with a plan financially to work toward getting a place together.
I can say today I am thankful, that didn't happen.
Pretty much just going to go the NC way for awhile. I think that would be in my best interest, you know?
We have separate houses, but since he was too drunk to counter file, or attend the court ordered parenting classes, he didn't attend the final hearing for divorce, where I was awarded basically everything, since he came into the relationship with just the clothes on his back, and has proven he wouldn't take care or maintain anything even if it was given to him in the settlement. So since November, he has basically stayed at my place most every night.
Yes, I do attend Al-Anon, haven't in awhile, he goes to AA but again I don't think he has for awhile, due to his work schedule.
He is very resentful towards me, due to the fact that he doesn't have a vehicle, or anything in his house other than a couch and chair he bought from a friend. Not my problem. So as he stays there, the resentments just build and build, about how I am so awful, that I didn't give him a vehicle so he could blow it up by not putting oil in it, or wreck it with no insurance, as he wouldn't maintain it. As it is, he has wrecked the one vehicle 3 times in the last year, while sober. LOL.
All of the stuff between us has already been protected by me during the divorce last year. He recently wanted to get a place together, which would have made financial sense, but I felt too vulnerable, and that we were not quite ready for that. Apparently that is an issue as well. I just didn't see any point into jumping right back into things until we were good. The funny thing is, just last week, I told him I thought we could sit down and come up with a plan financially to work toward getting a place together.
I can say today I am thankful, that didn't happen.
Pretty much just going to go the NC way for awhile. I think that would be in my best interest, you know?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: uk
Posts: 124
You don't know that he has picked up yet - maybe he won't? Sometimes recovery is hard for us AA's; I am not looking for sympathy but it just is sometimes. If recovery was easy everybody would be doing it! Let him blow off on his own - hopefully he will have a think about things and say sorry. A year's sobriety is a lot to lose - hope he makes it. Hugs to you.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,913
It's not always just about the drinking. Even if he hasn't relapsed, or doesn't relapse, the way he acts and treats you is every bit as important. Just because a person isn't drinking doesn't mean they are acceptable relationship material.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Alexandria Township, NJ
Posts: 275
Sukis' right.
Once my RAH drank the nightmare was pretty much over (if I ignored the texts and calls of course, but did I?? NOOOOOOOOOO dummy)
The pre-relapse is the total hell
And then the honeymoon period after - where everything is just beautiful and perfect and loving and oh baby then...
BAMM!!!!!!!
it hits again.
Once my RAH drank the nightmare was pretty much over (if I ignored the texts and calls of course, but did I?? NOOOOOOOOOO dummy)
The pre-relapse is the total hell
And then the honeymoon period after - where everything is just beautiful and perfect and loving and oh baby then...
BAMM!!!!!!!
it hits again.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 611
I think you are recognizing all the signs to a disaster already.
You said that you will be single all over again with 4 children.
I had this same thought that now I won't have any help with my child, etc. on those days I needed it and at least exabf would help.
Well, I'm doing just fine and actually he wasn't much help when he was around. He brought on more stress and anxiety that it's much better with him not around. I can focus on my child more and not be brought down by his 12 y/o visiting and him being broke anyway.
I would say to step away for now and let it take it's course. If he's out....consider it a blessing in disguise.
You said that you will be single all over again with 4 children.
I had this same thought that now I won't have any help with my child, etc. on those days I needed it and at least exabf would help.
Well, I'm doing just fine and actually he wasn't much help when he was around. He brought on more stress and anxiety that it's much better with him not around. I can focus on my child more and not be brought down by his 12 y/o visiting and him being broke anyway.
I would say to step away for now and let it take it's course. If he's out....consider it a blessing in disguise.
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Originally Posted by Duped 
It takes a lot of practice to deal with the quacking. My exAGF lures me in with compliments, niceties, and then the quacking begins. The personal attacks, the lies. Believe me, it used to give me no end of anxiety. For her to prove that I'm such a bad person is going to take a helluva lot more than words.
Mine has BS'd her way through recovery. I've spoken to her 3 times during the past two weeks about our daughter, she even asked me over for a beer.....so much for recovery. At least yours is actually doing recovery. There are good days and bad I'm told......mine simply quacks all the time. Then again, she still drinks. Are you sure yours isn't drinking again?
Has your entire relationship only been since November? That's a little soon for him to be disciplining your children IMO.
Mine has BS'd her way through recovery. I've spoken to her 3 times during the past two weeks about our daughter, she even asked me over for a beer.....so much for recovery. At least yours is actually doing recovery. There are good days and bad I'm told......mine simply quacks all the time. Then again, she still drinks. Are you sure yours isn't drinking again?
Has your entire relationship only been since November? That's a little soon for him to be disciplining your children IMO.
aboutdone
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midwest
Posts: 191
All very good points and thank you.
I have a feeling he is surfing the site, as he sent me an email stating alot of what I said in my opening post.
So, basically, after reading his email, I'm just done. It cracks me up, how I start out the deal with the things that are making me unhappy, and he turns it around to be his perfect sized shoe, and throws it back on me.
I say I am done with the BS, so of course he is done. Whatever dude. Peace out. I'm sick of the controlling behavior. He wants so badly to have control of everything, yet he doesn't have the ability. I
wanted to respond to the email, and then after much consideration decided nothing I say matters anyways. He already has it mapped out in his head on how he intends to handle the relationship all by himself, so he can handle it ALL BY HIMSELF. Make sense?
Going to take a little bit to get started back on my feet again, but it is my own fault for allowing most of this to even come to pass. I also know, that I can do it. I did it last summer, and I will do it again. Permanently.
I have a feeling he is surfing the site, as he sent me an email stating alot of what I said in my opening post.
So, basically, after reading his email, I'm just done. It cracks me up, how I start out the deal with the things that are making me unhappy, and he turns it around to be his perfect sized shoe, and throws it back on me.
I say I am done with the BS, so of course he is done. Whatever dude. Peace out. I'm sick of the controlling behavior. He wants so badly to have control of everything, yet he doesn't have the ability. I
wanted to respond to the email, and then after much consideration decided nothing I say matters anyways. He already has it mapped out in his head on how he intends to handle the relationship all by himself, so he can handle it ALL BY HIMSELF. Make sense?
Going to take a little bit to get started back on my feet again, but it is my own fault for allowing most of this to even come to pass. I also know, that I can do it. I did it last summer, and I will do it again. Permanently.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 394
Originally Posted by ChrrisT
Peace out Dude! - I like that.
Stay strong even if he pulls out the sweetness. It's all an illusion.
Keep us posted
Stay strong even if he pulls out the sweetness. It's all an illusion.
Keep us posted
Mine keeps phoning me while she is drinking and then goes on the rampage.
Although she hasn't got any sort of reaction from me in about 7 months, so she gives up for long stretches now.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 394
Originally Posted by Still Waters
She what???? Good grief.
She phoned back a few minutes later saying forget it. Long pauses on the phone, very chatty, exactly like she sounds when she's drunk.
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