Efforts to Connect Falling Flat
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 741
Efforts to Connect Falling Flat
So I am using Facebook to reconnect with old friends. Chit chat intensely for about 1 week, then....nothing.
Being more friendly at work, trying to smile more, look people in the eye....nothing.
This is getting very discouraging. I am doing everything I can within my limited resources to put myself "out there" but not getting much back.
One of my old Al-Anon sponsors said codies often have problems socializing and making friends. You got that right. I just really, really, really don't want to end up like my mom - she hated everything and everybody. No friends, never went out, never did anything. I find myself doing the same thing and I just want to hit myself with a hammer. UUUGGGHHH.
Being more friendly at work, trying to smile more, look people in the eye....nothing.
This is getting very discouraging. I am doing everything I can within my limited resources to put myself "out there" but not getting much back.
One of my old Al-Anon sponsors said codies often have problems socializing and making friends. You got that right. I just really, really, really don't want to end up like my mom - she hated everything and everybody. No friends, never went out, never did anything. I find myself doing the same thing and I just want to hit myself with a hammer. UUUGGGHHH.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: FL
Posts: 173
Facebook is overrated, just deactivated my account because my sister in law called my mom to gossip about me. Mom does not have a computer because she refuses to learn to use one so everything my SIL said was believed. I went back through my entire profile, could find nothing to cause the gossip, but dont feel like I can trust anyone right now. People on facebook are superficial.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
I have the same problem. I find Facebook a bit silly, too. Not much depth to it, usually. Just posts by bored people, I think.
Have you gone to any al-anon meetings lately? I am planning to find out where they are, and begin going . I like to make friends of people who understand, who can share, and who want to hear what i have to say.
you may need more than the superficial facebook goings-on. You are searching out people and desiring to have relationships, that is not just like your mom, but you know that you need these things. That is good. Some people never know that. My mom was like that. She always expressed negative thoughts about most everyone.
So you have something that you love to do?
Have you gone to any al-anon meetings lately? I am planning to find out where they are, and begin going . I like to make friends of people who understand, who can share, and who want to hear what i have to say.
you may need more than the superficial facebook goings-on. You are searching out people and desiring to have relationships, that is not just like your mom, but you know that you need these things. That is good. Some people never know that. My mom was like that. She always expressed negative thoughts about most everyone.
So you have something that you love to do?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
So cool that you brought this up. I am suffering a similar pitfall myself DM!
In looking inward in recovery I have learned that it's not people I dislike. I'm not really an antisocial person, but my XABF was a self proclaimed one. I think with possibly his influence and the toxic drama that some people bring, I've just become that way over time. I don't have to avoid making friends or casual acquaintences, I just don't have to make "forever friends" with everyone I meet. I can also keep a safe distance from people I'm not that into for whatever reason.
That said, I have to accept that not everyone I meet is going to be that into me either.
I've slowly started branching out and meeting others through those I already know. I've had to invite myself along on outings, but sometimes you gotta be gutsy to get out there, right? I've also started chatting with random people I see shopping in my favorite specialty shops. I figure they are there because their into the same things as me, right?
Anyway, my results have been hit or miss like yours. Some folks are put off and others chat back and seem into the conversation and there are even some who are little too eager for my tastes. I try to make note of what works for me and what doesn't. It's been a while since I've been in the friend making fast lane so I need to take notes. I don't take it personally because I treat it all as good learning. I've mostly just chatted but, I've gotten a few numbers and some invites to hang out sometime and that's cool.
Try to remember that you are who you are. You just keep putting yourself out there and be open to making friends and there will be those who like you because you are who you are. Kinda like dating, you might have to be friendly to a few frogs, but you'll find some keepers.
We just need to keep plugging along you and I. We will soon be gathering a variety of acquaintences and good friends.
Best to you friend......Hey, see there, you've already got us here as friends so you're on the right track!!
Alice
In looking inward in recovery I have learned that it's not people I dislike. I'm not really an antisocial person, but my XABF was a self proclaimed one. I think with possibly his influence and the toxic drama that some people bring, I've just become that way over time. I don't have to avoid making friends or casual acquaintences, I just don't have to make "forever friends" with everyone I meet. I can also keep a safe distance from people I'm not that into for whatever reason.
That said, I have to accept that not everyone I meet is going to be that into me either.
I've slowly started branching out and meeting others through those I already know. I've had to invite myself along on outings, but sometimes you gotta be gutsy to get out there, right? I've also started chatting with random people I see shopping in my favorite specialty shops. I figure they are there because their into the same things as me, right?
Anyway, my results have been hit or miss like yours. Some folks are put off and others chat back and seem into the conversation and there are even some who are little too eager for my tastes. I try to make note of what works for me and what doesn't. It's been a while since I've been in the friend making fast lane so I need to take notes. I don't take it personally because I treat it all as good learning. I've mostly just chatted but, I've gotten a few numbers and some invites to hang out sometime and that's cool.
Try to remember that you are who you are. You just keep putting yourself out there and be open to making friends and there will be those who like you because you are who you are. Kinda like dating, you might have to be friendly to a few frogs, but you'll find some keepers.
We just need to keep plugging along you and I. We will soon be gathering a variety of acquaintences and good friends.
Best to you friend......Hey, see there, you've already got us here as friends so you're on the right track!!
Alice
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I used to work in the hospitality business and there was a rule that we were to smile and say hello, how are you? to anyone who was within 10 feet of us. That became a habit with me and it is totally suprising how people respond! There are alot of people just waiting for someone to say hello to them! I just say hello and leave it go to how they respond or not...but I do this everywhere with everyone and many times it has started up a real conversation in ordinary places! If I combine that with looking for something to sincerely compliment that shows I notice them or show interest and then asking a sincere question out of interest....well....it is said of me that I meet people very easily and the truth is I don't feel like a social people person at all but I have ingrained these habits into myself, so I wind up talking to people everywhere!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
My mom is like that too!! Ugh.
I am actually a pretty social person; i'm pretty outgoing and tend to make friends fairly easily. What I have learned is that I am often too trusting of people....THAT I am trying to tone down.
I used to think I had A LOT of friends. No not at all. I have A LOT of aquaintances and few friends. And I appreciate those friends. As I get older I am enjoying my privacy more, and conversing with people who simply want to go out and grab coffee or lunch, dinner and a movie, and no big parties for me.
And I like it that way.
In appreciating my privacy more...that means big privacy on Facebook. I agree...it is really overrated. I just deleted 100 people...all of them I went to high school with. Really, some of them were just a connection to my XA, and I just don't want that anymore. But everyone is just so connected with each other, and I DO NOT WANT THAT CONNECTION any more. I believe that we meet people as we go along, and not everyone is meant to be with you for the rest of your life. It is ok to let go. Facebook makes it hard to let go!
High school was fun 17 years ago....... and I am happy to leave it in the past!
Try not to get discouraged. Try not to focus on what you are not getting back, but what you ARE getting back. Though it may seem like it's not a lot...it's probably all you need. More is not always better. :ghug3
I am actually a pretty social person; i'm pretty outgoing and tend to make friends fairly easily. What I have learned is that I am often too trusting of people....THAT I am trying to tone down.
I used to think I had A LOT of friends. No not at all. I have A LOT of aquaintances and few friends. And I appreciate those friends. As I get older I am enjoying my privacy more, and conversing with people who simply want to go out and grab coffee or lunch, dinner and a movie, and no big parties for me.
And I like it that way.In appreciating my privacy more...that means big privacy on Facebook. I agree...it is really overrated. I just deleted 100 people...all of them I went to high school with. Really, some of them were just a connection to my XA, and I just don't want that anymore. But everyone is just so connected with each other, and I DO NOT WANT THAT CONNECTION any more. I believe that we meet people as we go along, and not everyone is meant to be with you for the rest of your life. It is ok to let go. Facebook makes it hard to let go!
High school was fun 17 years ago....... and I am happy to leave it in the past!
Try not to get discouraged. Try not to focus on what you are not getting back, but what you ARE getting back. Though it may seem like it's not a lot...it's probably all you need. More is not always better. :ghug3
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 594
I realized after breaking up with xabf that I had a lot of friends the fed into my codie behavior--needy one-sided friends. So I've really been making an effort to make friendships with healthy happy people. My approach has been to do activities that I like, and then try to make friends with people who are doing the same thing. I've made a few friends at the gym. I've also made a few who like to ride bikes, who like live music, etc. But most of them, I did the asking. "Hey, if you're ever going on a ride and want some company, here's my number! ::: big smile::: " I was surprised how many people took me up on it. But a lot of them didn't. It just takes time and effort. Good things don't come easy, right?
Hang in there. Definitely get OUT there, I mean OUT as in OUT from behind your computer. Go do stuff!
Hang in there. Definitely get OUT there, I mean OUT as in OUT from behind your computer. Go do stuff!
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I am not a facebookie, if I want to converse with someone, I call them, don't need to type a bunch of jibberish, and, I don't like everyone knowing my business.
With that said, check out social groups in your area, clubs (would you like to learn a new hobby), join a bowling league there are a million ways to meet new people and expand your contacts. I joined a cooking class, had a ball and met some great cooks, we get together monthly and dazzle each other with our great dishes, doesn't cost much and it is so fun planning the meal and then wolfing it down!
Keep smiling, keep conversing, be patient it will come.
With that said, check out social groups in your area, clubs (would you like to learn a new hobby), join a bowling league there are a million ways to meet new people and expand your contacts. I joined a cooking class, had a ball and met some great cooks, we get together monthly and dazzle each other with our great dishes, doesn't cost much and it is so fun planning the meal and then wolfing it down!
Keep smiling, keep conversing, be patient it will come.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: FL
Posts: 173
You guys are awesome as usual! Looking to have to move in with mom and so not looking forward to it since she is so negative. Will make it work though. Staying off facebook though because I am a hothead and tend to tell people what I think. My SIL is a spoiled pain in the ass with 2 great kids, a great husband, house etc, so she has nothing better to do than shop, gossip and whatever she wants to do. So I love my brother and the kids, gotta keep my mouth shut. I am going to start to move next week so I will figure out what to do. I have always been comfortable on my own, but there are things I want to change other than the drinking. Less Tv, more reading, stuff like that. Disconnecting from Facebook will not make me lose my real friends!! May keep me out of trouble too!!
Melissa
Melissa
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: FL
Posts: 173
Almost forgot, Dolly love to cook, thanks for the ideas, I will check it out. Thought it would be expensive and I don't want to do it as a living, want to keep it as a hobby. I think making it my job would spoil it for me, but your ideas inspire me. Keep pedaling, cutest puppy pic ever!! Is he/she yours??
Melissa
Melissa
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Around here, our local Publixs foodstore has the greatest classes for $30-50 per 2-3 hour class, and you get to eat the food too!
Cooking is just a hobby for me, helps me to relax and I've made some great friends, who all love to eat!
Cooking is just a hobby for me, helps me to relax and I've made some great friends, who all love to eat!
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