Please Help
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
My ex of 15 and I were engaged, but never married. He left me for another women who was older, grossly overweight (I have a great body), was not attractive (I am) and had serious health issues. He left me and married her.
It took me a year of feeling numb to realize, it was not about me, but about him. My therapist told me he could never live up to me. He always told me I was too good for him. He left me and found someone he was more compatible with and who would look up to him.
He was right, I got over it and moved on :-)
Maybe he just could not live up to you?!
It took me a year of feeling numb to realize, it was not about me, but about him. My therapist told me he could never live up to me. He always told me I was too good for him. He left me and found someone he was more compatible with and who would look up to him.
He was right, I got over it and moved on :-)
Maybe he just could not live up to you?!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 24
Originally Posted by Summerpeach 
My therapist told me he could never live up to me.
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
Miss F.
I am going to be blunt sweetie: I think you are great. it doesn't matter what I think though: you ARE GREAT, remember that.
then think about why you are making this about you.
because this is what you are doing: YOU are making the choices of someone who has no involvement in your life, who you don't even know any more about you. Why do that? people change, they want things they didn't want before, due to age or maturity or meeting someone who fits them really well.
he doesn't have to be a liar or a jerk to have changed his mind about having children. Neither he nor his wife have to be low, unevolved, shallow people for you to be a great person. You are a great person, your worth is completely independent of the choices of others.
you don't have to denigrate them to feel good in comparison. This situation is nothing to do with you.
I am going to be blunt sweetie: I think you are great. it doesn't matter what I think though: you ARE GREAT, remember that.
then think about why you are making this about you.
because this is what you are doing: YOU are making the choices of someone who has no involvement in your life, who you don't even know any more about you. Why do that? people change, they want things they didn't want before, due to age or maturity or meeting someone who fits them really well.
he doesn't have to be a liar or a jerk to have changed his mind about having children. Neither he nor his wife have to be low, unevolved, shallow people for you to be a great person. You are a great person, your worth is completely independent of the choices of others.
you don't have to denigrate them to feel good in comparison. This situation is nothing to do with you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by MissFixit
Those were MY dreams. They are living out with other women.
No, I don't want to be with the A, but good God, they BOTH lied to me and carry out my dreams without me.
No, I don't want to be with the A, but good God, they BOTH lied to me and carry out my dreams without me.
When we begin to feel entitled to have them, they cease to be dreams and become demands. Then we lose sight of the opportunities and joys that life puts in our paths because we can only see what we wanted and didn't get. We see life as a zero-sum game where somebody else getting something good automatically means there is less good for us to get. We live by the scarcity principle rather than the abundance principle.
Happiness in life is mostly determined, not by what happens to us, but by how we react to what happens to us.
L
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
WTH is wrong with me?
Both exes are married to women they knew for 2 and 3 months before getting engaged. I was with one for 8 years and the other for 4 years....FYI both wives are much older, less educated, AGGRESSIVE and not so cute. WTH?
L2L's Rule Number Two of Her Life: Always remember, whoever is no longer in your life is no longer in your life because you were through with them. And to tell you the truth, if you dig deep enough, you will see that the reason you are not married to either one of them was because you DID NOT WANT TO BE married to either one of them. I have read a few research studies about marriage and I recall a few that looked at men who dated a woman for years but never married, but then married almost immediately in their next relationship. Know what the researchers found? The only reason they married the second woman and not the first was because the second woman DEMANDED it. If you really had wanted to be married, you would have demanded it and if you did not get it, you would have gone on to someone else.
The ex that hated kids now has one at age 48.
So did YOU ever have kids?
Those were MY dreams. They are living out with other women.
No, I don't want to be with the A, but good God, they BOTH lied to me and carry out my dreams without me.
So MissFix, hon, why can't you have your life dreams? Why do you need these people to have what you always wanted?
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
I love love love what you said here. So much so, that I repeated a lot of it in a recent email, lol!
You hit the nail on the head.
You hit the nail on the head.
Originally Posted by naive
hi miss fixit-
there isn't anything wrong with you. in fact, i think you're fantastic!
in my experience, not everyone is interested in self-improvement, challenging the status quo, pushing the envelope, doing the hard work of facing life as it is...
many of humanity prefer to distract themselves from this task with other things, other people, or in the case of our A's, with alcohol and drugs.
people like us, who are willing to explore our true purpose in life, to face our emotional damage, to own up to our mistakes are not that common. and, in my experience, it makes many uncomfortable as they prefer to sweep it under the carpet.
so, on they go, distracting themselves from life's bigger issues.
people like us get in the way of their fantasies. we're a drag because we are working with things as they actually are, and many times, that is hard work and not a big party.
the rewards for our difficult work are self knowledge, true empowerment and a renewed reliance on our own inner compass, on our hp, on the Truth.
many aren't interested and we become a thorn in their side. i find sometimes that my mere presence challenges others choices, even if i don't say anything. why? because i'm sitting there drinking water, while they are drinking whiskey. because i'm asking deeper questions and not interested in shallow chitchat. because i'm in therapy and believe in group work. because i'm establishing healthy boundaries and say things like "please don't come to my house with a bottle in your pocket."
none of these actions are judgements of the others, they are merely choices i am making about how i want to live my life.
however, i find that it makes other people uncomfortable. they don't seem used to straight talk. i find many people dodge around issues, never ever really addressing them. there are family secrets everyone pretends didn't happen, dysfunctional interactions that i'm not playing my half of anymore.
in us facing the truth head on, it exposes what is false. and most don't like that.
hang in there and just keep doing the recovery work. one of these days, you will meet someone who appreciates you and your courage and self knowledge. i know i appreciate your honesty and your contribution here.
naive
there isn't anything wrong with you. in fact, i think you're fantastic!
in my experience, not everyone is interested in self-improvement, challenging the status quo, pushing the envelope, doing the hard work of facing life as it is...
many of humanity prefer to distract themselves from this task with other things, other people, or in the case of our A's, with alcohol and drugs.
people like us, who are willing to explore our true purpose in life, to face our emotional damage, to own up to our mistakes are not that common. and, in my experience, it makes many uncomfortable as they prefer to sweep it under the carpet.
so, on they go, distracting themselves from life's bigger issues.
people like us get in the way of their fantasies. we're a drag because we are working with things as they actually are, and many times, that is hard work and not a big party.
the rewards for our difficult work are self knowledge, true empowerment and a renewed reliance on our own inner compass, on our hp, on the Truth.
many aren't interested and we become a thorn in their side. i find sometimes that my mere presence challenges others choices, even if i don't say anything. why? because i'm sitting there drinking water, while they are drinking whiskey. because i'm asking deeper questions and not interested in shallow chitchat. because i'm in therapy and believe in group work. because i'm establishing healthy boundaries and say things like "please don't come to my house with a bottle in your pocket."
none of these actions are judgements of the others, they are merely choices i am making about how i want to live my life.
however, i find that it makes other people uncomfortable. they don't seem used to straight talk. i find many people dodge around issues, never ever really addressing them. there are family secrets everyone pretends didn't happen, dysfunctional interactions that i'm not playing my half of anymore.
in us facing the truth head on, it exposes what is false. and most don't like that.
hang in there and just keep doing the recovery work. one of these days, you will meet someone who appreciates you and your courage and self knowledge. i know i appreciate your honesty and your contribution here.
naive
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
anvilhead said why does it matter WHO he picked as his partner?
What a good question anvil. I hate it when I see the "replacements". The animal in me gets all territorial and wants to fight. So far I can't control this so my cure is: avoiding those sources of info at all costs!
L2L said Compare yourself ONLY to who you USED TO be.
I did this yesterday when passing a specific city area. I ended up crying in my car with my heart full of gratitude and hope.
Miss, how are you doing in the SELF RECOGNITION department ?
What a good question anvil. I hate it when I see the "replacements". The animal in me gets all territorial and wants to fight. So far I can't control this so my cure is: avoiding those sources of info at all costs!
L2L said Compare yourself ONLY to who you USED TO be.
I did this yesterday when passing a specific city area. I ended up crying in my car with my heart full of gratitude and hope.
Miss, how are you doing in the SELF RECOGNITION department ?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
Dreams are nice to have. But, when we cling to them so tightly that we cannot let them go, they have the power to hurt us.
When we begin to feel entitled to have them, they cease to be dreams and become demands. Then we lose sight of the opportunities and joys that life puts in our paths because we can only see what we wanted and didn't get. We see life as a zero-sum game where somebody else getting something good automatically means there is less good for us to get. We live by the scarcity principle rather than the abundance principle.
Happiness in life is mostly determined, not by what happens to us, but by how we react to what happens to us.
L
When we begin to feel entitled to have them, they cease to be dreams and become demands. Then we lose sight of the opportunities and joys that life puts in our paths because we can only see what we wanted and didn't get. We see life as a zero-sum game where somebody else getting something good automatically means there is less good for us to get. We live by the scarcity principle rather than the abundance principle.
Happiness in life is mostly determined, not by what happens to us, but by how we react to what happens to us.
L
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