why is he so angry when I lived with his c****
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
why is he so angry when I lived with his c****
Haven't posted for awhile - just giving up hope for the most part. But recently my husband and I had an exchange that keeps me wondering what is going on with him.
We live separately. He says he wants a divorce. He won't file - wants me to do it. We have a few bills in common that I have remind him to send me half. He does give it without argument -altho a few months ago he said he wanted to move on without me and would change the bills but hasn't.
We barely talk eventhough we see each other every day - which is another issue that he brings up. He complains that we don't talk but he doesn't initiate and when I try to initiate he blasts me.
Venting and wondering what is going on - last bill - I notified him by email and tried to be friendly about it. His response is to pay me but he wants to know when he will get a check from me for some misperception about a old bill. The point is this: he is so incredibly angry at me - we have been living separately for two years this month, no contact completely since Christmas. He says he wants to move on but doesn't do anything about it - he could separate his bills but he doesn't - and if he is happier without me - then why is he so angry at me?
I want to work on our marriage if/when he can stay sober - otherwise I have done nothing to him. He actually mentioned how good things were when he did have a long sober period. It was the truth. He isn't denying that he still has feelings for me but thinks it just doesn't work.
We live separately. He says he wants a divorce. He won't file - wants me to do it. We have a few bills in common that I have remind him to send me half. He does give it without argument -altho a few months ago he said he wanted to move on without me and would change the bills but hasn't.
We barely talk eventhough we see each other every day - which is another issue that he brings up. He complains that we don't talk but he doesn't initiate and when I try to initiate he blasts me.
Venting and wondering what is going on - last bill - I notified him by email and tried to be friendly about it. His response is to pay me but he wants to know when he will get a check from me for some misperception about a old bill. The point is this: he is so incredibly angry at me - we have been living separately for two years this month, no contact completely since Christmas. He says he wants to move on but doesn't do anything about it - he could separate his bills but he doesn't - and if he is happier without me - then why is he so angry at me?
I want to work on our marriage if/when he can stay sober - otherwise I have done nothing to him. He actually mentioned how good things were when he did have a long sober period. It was the truth. He isn't denying that he still has feelings for me but thinks it just doesn't work.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
I'm not sure what your question is.
No one on this forum can begin to secondguess what your H is thinking.
Even if he wasn't an alcoholic we couldn't; but the fact that he's an alcoholic makes it that much MORE impossible...
No one on this forum can begin to secondguess what your H is thinking.
Even if he wasn't an alcoholic we couldn't; but the fact that he's an alcoholic makes it that much MORE impossible...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Missouri
Posts: 673
Oh Kassie,
Anger is HUGE with these guys. That and thinking that everyone should do things for them so they don't have to lift a finger. IMO, it's part immaturity, part selfishness, and part the laziness that alcohol creates. There's no logic to it.
My suggestion is that you search your heart for what YOU want, and work toward that. He's not going to keep any promises. He's not going to quit drinking. And he's not going to turn into the man of your dreams that he used to be, promised to be, or you just wanted him to be. I'm so sorry this sounds harsh and jaded, but it's my experience, and the experience I've read on so many posts here.
You'll get through it. You deserve much more than to sit around waiting for an alcoholic to "get better". You deserve a real life, and real happiness.
Love and Hugs to you! -Tigger
Anger is HUGE with these guys. That and thinking that everyone should do things for them so they don't have to lift a finger. IMO, it's part immaturity, part selfishness, and part the laziness that alcohol creates. There's no logic to it.
My suggestion is that you search your heart for what YOU want, and work toward that. He's not going to keep any promises. He's not going to quit drinking. And he's not going to turn into the man of your dreams that he used to be, promised to be, or you just wanted him to be. I'm so sorry this sounds harsh and jaded, but it's my experience, and the experience I've read on so many posts here.
You'll get through it. You deserve much more than to sit around waiting for an alcoholic to "get better". You deserve a real life, and real happiness.
Love and Hugs to you! -Tigger
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 436
I get your post, its in your title.
You have been married/living with an alcoholic for a long period whereby you would have to deal with the crap he would dish out by being a dysfunctional/alcoholic. Now you are separated you are wondering why he is so angry at you when you have done nothing wrong. (hopefully I have captured it)
I too have felt this way and my AH is currently VERY angry at me because HE has relapsed after 5 months of sobriety and I am unwilling to remain in an alcoholic marriage for a further 22 years!
I have learnt through Al-Anon and this website that it is very hard to rationalize an alcoholics behavior, what they say or do - its virtually impossible. Its crazy talking!
This isnt about you and what you have done to him, this is about him and his alcohol and how you have disrupted his 'alcoholic normality' by leaving him and forcing him to take care of bills when all he wants to do is drink.
Saying they love you, is there way of sucking you back into their 'alcoholic normality' so that you can continue to be a caretaker and worrier of the financial burdens/bills and they only have to worry about drinking.
Of course he wont file for a divorce, even though he wants one, that would mean that he would have to get on and do something, filling out forms, visits to the solicitors etc and that would seriously interfere with his drinking, never mind the money spent that could be spent on alcohol.
Everything in their lives is centered around alcohol and woe and behold anyone who messes with that! (thats the anger part)
For your own sanity, health and wellbeing, I would suggest that you get on and at least sort through those bills that keep you connected, to get him out of your life completely and move on as he appears to be keeping you sucked into his insanity.
Look after yourself.
You have been married/living with an alcoholic for a long period whereby you would have to deal with the crap he would dish out by being a dysfunctional/alcoholic. Now you are separated you are wondering why he is so angry at you when you have done nothing wrong. (hopefully I have captured it)
I too have felt this way and my AH is currently VERY angry at me because HE has relapsed after 5 months of sobriety and I am unwilling to remain in an alcoholic marriage for a further 22 years!
I have learnt through Al-Anon and this website that it is very hard to rationalize an alcoholics behavior, what they say or do - its virtually impossible. Its crazy talking!
This isnt about you and what you have done to him, this is about him and his alcohol and how you have disrupted his 'alcoholic normality' by leaving him and forcing him to take care of bills when all he wants to do is drink.
Saying they love you, is there way of sucking you back into their 'alcoholic normality' so that you can continue to be a caretaker and worrier of the financial burdens/bills and they only have to worry about drinking.
Of course he wont file for a divorce, even though he wants one, that would mean that he would have to get on and do something, filling out forms, visits to the solicitors etc and that would seriously interfere with his drinking, never mind the money spent that could be spent on alcohol.
Everything in their lives is centered around alcohol and woe and behold anyone who messes with that! (thats the anger part)
For your own sanity, health and wellbeing, I would suggest that you get on and at least sort through those bills that keep you connected, to get him out of your life completely and move on as he appears to be keeping you sucked into his insanity.
Look after yourself.
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Maybe this will help
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rt-thread.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rt-thread.html
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