Tatertot

Here is a list of questions that Al-anon puts out to see if you should attend meetings...

1. Do you worry about how much someone else's drinking?
2. Do you have money problems because of someone else's drinking?
3. Do you tell lies to cover up for someone else's drinking?
4. Do you feel if the drinker loved you, he or she would stop drinking to please you?
5. Do you blame the drinker's behavior on his or her companions?
6. Are plans frequently upset or canceled or meals delayed because of the drinker?
7. Do you make threats, such as, "If you don't stop drinking, I'll leave you"?
8. Do you secretly try to smell the drinker's breath?
9. Are you afraid to upset someone for fear it will set off a drinking bout?
10. Have you been hurt or embarrassed by a drinker's behavior?
11. Are holidays and gatherings spoiled because of drinking?
12. Have you considered calling the police for help in fear of abuse?
13. Do you search for hidden alcohol?
14. Do you often ride in a car with a driver who has been drinking?
15. Have you refused social invitations out of fear or anxiety?
16. Do you sometimes feel like a failure when you think of the lengths you have gone to in order to control the drinker?
17. Do you think that if the drinker stopped drinking, your other problems would be solved?
18. Do you ever threaten to hurt yourself to scare the drinker?
19. Do you feel angry, confused or depressed most of the time?
20. Do you feel there is no one who understands your problems?

Well I can honestly answer NO to all of these questions so I don't actually feel like I should go to Al-anon meetings, but I really want to understand the concept of addiction and recovery and what my guy is possibly going through (he has been clean/sober for 14 months now and actively attends AA and works the program daily).

I went to a meeting last Saturday morning anyway and was blown away by some of the people's stories there... they have lived through hell while I am walking willingly into this world... I felt really guilty for being there, but when I told them why I was there they were all really encouraging and applauding me for wanting to understand... I just don't know. I feel kind of like an intruder...

I told my guy that night that I had gone to a meeting and I wanted to find out if he thought i should go. He was elated! He loved the fact that I wanted to go and learn more about alcoholism and addiction. I told him I felt like a bit of an imposter but he encouraged me to keep going if I wanted to (he said he would never tell me I had to go). He even offered to COME to an Al-anon meeting with me! Wow... He also got me a copy of the Big Book to read if I want to (he got me the NA version, but said it's basically the same thing). I do want to read it and I will get it from him tonight.

But still my mind works in sometimes wierd ways and I think to myself that I am oblivious right now to all the pains of this horrible disease and I am currently treating our relationship *almost* like I would one with a non-alcoholic/addict. However I do sort of understand what he's going through and he has explained a little to me about the things that really help him in his recovery (helping others and going to the gym...) so I absolutely don't expect him to drop those things to make time for me. I understand that his recovery should always come first. I am concerned that by attending Al-Anon and exposing myself to people who have been so deeply affected by alcoholism that I may start to take on some of their character traits and possibly unknowingly slide into the world of co-dependancy, which I have also read a lot about and is something I want to avoid at all costs! I believe there is a difference between being understanding (something I strive to be) and being a co-dependent.

I don't know... I really am of two minds about it.... do any of you have any opinions or even experience with this? Should I attend or would it only hinder me?

I am so, so sorry if I have offended anyone with this post who attends Al-anon... I just wish I knew more about alcoholism/addiction and how to have a healthy relationship with someone in recovery while at the same time NOT becoming co-dependent.

Thanks,
T

LaTeeDa

If understanding is your goal, then I think Alanon would probably be helpful.

As far as becoming codependent from hanging around Alanon, I hope you will forgive me for snickering a little about that. It's not contagious.........

L

sandrawg

I was with a recovering alcoholic (5 yrs sober) for a year before ending up with my actively alcoholic ex-bf.

When I was with the sober one, I used to go to AA meetings with him, and also a couple of al-anon meetings as well. I frankly didn't feel I could relate to the al-anon people- I was kind of like you. All their horror stories felt foreign to me. I felt way more comfortable at AA meetings, because i felt like, that was HIS world, and I was trying to grasp it and be supportive. That was just me, tho.

Now that i'm coming out of an off and on 3 yr rel'ship with an alcoholic, al-anon feels totally right to me.

No matter which path you choose, ANYONE can benefit from doing the 12 steps. I look at the 12 steps as a set of principles to help anyone lead a better, healthier life, and to take a healthy, more positive attitude about their lives.

And no, codependency isn't contagious! lol It usually develops as a mal-adaptation to life with someone who is in active addiction, or from some kind of trauma (I think mine developed from a traumatic hospital stay where I almost died, that was followed by my ex-h divorcing me. I was also exposed to some craziness w/my sister's alcoholic husband, as a kid.)

angelinashoebox

Thank you for sharing

Tatertot

Heh... yes, understanding really is my goal and I'm sorry I didn't mean for it to come out like that! I find that I am generally a very empathetic person and I will cry at the drop of a hat at someone else's sad story, or conversely feel extreme joy if someone else is happy about something.

That is kind of what I mean... if the atmosphere turns out to be really depressing I fear I might carry that attitude with me... and then expect to be depressed myself. I don't honestly know what meetings are really like. The one I attended was very small (7 people including me) and it was a step meeting... apparently there are also topical meetings which I think would be more beneficial to me at this point. I will try a different one on Monday night and see how that goes.

Thanks for the thoughts

Tatertot

Sandrawg, thank you for sharing your experience and at least I know I'm not the only one to ever have felt this way about attending a meeting. I really can't relate to the folks I met last Saturday, but they sure were nice enough to me. I was so embarassed to tell them why I was there but they were so encouraging... unfortunately I can't go back to the same meeting tomorrow, I have an appointment to keep with my folks.

A question for you though... why do you feel you need to go to Al-anon now after ending your 3 year relationship when you didn't go during the relationship? Just curious...

sandrawg

Yes, AA and al-anon people are SO nice and SO welcoming!

Honey, even tho I may be out of the relationship, that doesn't mean I'm not still feeling the effects. I still have a lot of pain, and until I started going to meetings, TONS of anger.

Living with an alcoholic is probably one of the most crazy-making experiences you can ever have. At times, you LITERALLY feel like you are going insane.

Al-anon is helping me 1) deal with the residual effects 2) gives me a chance to have fellowship with people who know what I've been through, 3) will give me a chance to work on MY disease, which I now recognize...it's codependency, and it's something I would like to conquer before I get into ANOTHER relationship.

I saw my sister go from one alcoholic to another. She was a serial alcoholic dater. I don't ever want to end up like that. I think part of the problem is, she never got help. Never went to therapy or al-anon. I'm not gonna make that same mistake.

Al-anon isn't about focusing on the alcoholic anymore. It's about focusing on yourself-what you can do to improve your life. Therefore, it's inconsequential whether you're still witht he alcoholic or not. I'm proud of myself that I left him, but I can't just propel forward and forget what happened to me the last 3 yrs. That's where al-anon is really helping me.

Babyblue

I tried a couple of meetings, my situation sounds similar to yours. I asked myself if I was going meetings to understand or going to be closer to his world. It was the latter and so I didn't think that in itself was the healthiest reason for me. I have incredible empathy for him but feel he has to do the work himself and I know I would have tried to 'help' him if I thought I was 'involved'.

If he asked me to go, sure I would in a heartbeat and it was helpful to some degree but the most helpful thing for me was to slow things down between us and step away from his world until he was stronger. It would have been a slippery slope for me to become so involved in al-anon at this point in our relationship. So I understand your point precisely. Depending upon why you are attending then there is your answer but you have to be completely honest with yourself. Not saying I didn't find some of it helpful and it was interesting to see the process. But I went for the wrong reasons, more to try to 'fit in' to his lifestyle than benefitting from what al-anon offers folks.

I may go back. Most likely will go back but only if he and I get to the point where I find it harder to physically distance myself from him (which I can still do when he is in one of his difficult phases). Then al-anon will help me remember how to step away and take care of myself.

Freedom1990

If you are wanting more understanding of alcoholism, I would also encourage you to attend a few open AA meetings.

Tatertot

Thanks everyone!

I was finally able to attend another meeting last night, this one was a topical meeting (they have a step meeting the first monday of every month and the rest are topical) and the topic was "reaching out". It was also a slightly larger group (15 ppl) which I think I'm more comfortable in (less attention on me, just the way I like it lol!)

It was basically just people sharing their stories on how they had "reached out" in the past. Most had the same theme... they were glad they "reached out" to Al-anon and how they had found so much comfort and support there. I decided to pass, as I wasn't sure what to say...

I'm still not sure this is the best place for me to go to find out about alcoholism... it seems like it's just listening to others stories. However they tell you to attend 6 meetings before making up your mind, and also my guy was so super excited when I told him I was going to check it out and he is glad I have gone to a couple meetings so far. So i will go to the next 5 meetings with an open mind and see if there is anything I can learn from or even contribute to the group.

I will approach the topic with him of my attending a couple of "open" AA meetings with him and see how that goes as well. I think you are right in that I may get more out of hearing directly from the alcoholic rather than the people they have affected. But both probably have value.

Thanks for listening and encouraging, it's very much appreciated.

T

keepinon

Alanon will help you understand the steps that your bf uses, and possibly some of his behaviors that even though he is in recovery are likely to follow him for a while. I love it..just a good way to live no matter who you are.

aboutdone

Tatertot,

My experience with Al-Anon, would tell me that you are probably correct in your feelings. I believe Al-Anon is to take the focus off the addict, and place it on you. Al-Anon works their own 12 steps that are very similar, and in all honesty the 12 steps can be used in any area of life that an individual struggles with.

I prefer AA meetings. People in Al-Anon can tell me how THEY feel in relation to the addict, however they can't explain or define how the ADDICT feels.

When BF went through rehab last summer, I attended everyday, and sat in on his small groups a lot, (group of 5-10 addicts with a counselor, who meet for an hour or so everyday, and tell their stories, who they have hurt, and get to the root of their resentments). I also attended Family meetings on Sundays. These meetings are where the family members had a 1 hour session with a counselor, where we asked questions, and the counselor also educated about the disease, then the addicts would join and we would go over everything as a group.

If your guy has been sober since you have known him, then the odds are that you really don't relate to the horrific things that some of us have dealt with while being with the active user. However, you may be able to turn this around a little bit. It doesn't seem that you have codie tendencies, and you going to Al-Anon, may just in fact help someone else there be a little stronger, have hope, and desire to have what you got.

You also can attend open AA meetings without him....I have went both with BF and without, as Al-Anon only meets once a week where I live.


There were so many things I learned when BF was in rehab, but probably the thing that sticks out the most is the way the counselor described what an addict feels like inside, between using episodes, or when they are in recovery.

It goes like this....think about when you have jumped off a high dive and went deep in to the water. You took a big breath of air, but as your swimming to the top, many of us have a burning in our lungs because you are running out of oxygen, and your lungs naturally want to exhale/inhale. You may even get a little panicky inside as you swim up to the top, worrying you might not make it, and the whole while you are fighting not to take a breath until you get to the top. Then you make it to the top and you know that feeling of getting that first breath of air? Its an AHHHHH moment.

She said this is what its like for many addicts. Only its in their brain. Constantly craving that drink or drug. There is a little spot there that instead of saying "take a breath" like we do when we are under water, it says "take a drink, or take a hit". Only its ALWAYS there. Waiting for the smallest of crisis or triggers to amplify it.

I asked my BF if that was what it was like for him, he said yes, somedays it is horrible, and other days not at all.

It is awesome that you have understanding of your guys meetings and working out, and the things he does in his routine to stay sober.

So with that, I will pass......

Jazzman

If you read Under the Influence it would go a long way to helping you understand alcohol dependency. A very long way.

Daisy30

Glad to hear you are going to give 6 meetings a try!!! It doesn't have to be one or the other. It can be a combination of both. Many people in my home group attend open AA and AA speaker meetings

Good for you!! There is a a lot of wisdom to be found there.

ETA: the only requirement is that you are either a friend or family member of an alcoholic looks like you fit that Heck.....shake anyone's family tree hard enough and they belong

Summerpeach

I always found AA meetings much more helpful. My Al Anon meetings were great and I learned a lot, but I didn't relate much to anyone in the room with regards to their lives.

I left the group and more than likely will not return.
I may one day find another "healthier" group, but for now, staying away makes me feel better.

Tatertot

Thanks everyone for the comments! They are invaluable to me as this is all a completely new world for me. All your advice and experiences are appreciated.

Jazzman, I will definitely check out that book. It sounds good.

Aboutdone, you are right, I never thought that MY presence at a meeting could possibly help someone there... but you never know, right? And no, I never did know him when he was using, only since he entered rehab. So no, I don't currently exhibit any codie tendencies and I hopefully never will. But it never hurts to be informed I suppose...

Ok, so even though I don't feel it's the exact right fit for me, I will still give it the 6 meeting chance and see how it goes.

Question... my guy was so excited that he offered to come to a meeting with me... but after going to 2 of these meetings I don't think the people attending Al-anon would be too comfortable with that... or would they? I don't know. Since we can attend open AA meetings, does it work the other way around too? Has anyone ever been to a meeting where there was an RA present? (Not to mention that everyone at the 2 meetings I've gone too has been a woman... but I guess that's pretty common... so maybe having a man there would make them less likely to speak openly and honestly? I don't know...)

Thank you all for the encouragement to keep learning everything I can about this.

Big Hugs to ALL!
T

Summerpeach

my RABF came to Al Anon with me and no one had any problem with it.