spent

they say in Alanon that you should give it 6 months before you make a decision like that. I've been in Alanon 3 months and I'm really not sure I can take it anymore.

Since I've been going to Alanon, my ABF's drinking has escalated, he's begun smoking pot more often and has become more critical and verbally abusive. We're on a 3 month cycle of verbal abuse - approaching week 3 now in the cycle. Every 3 months, during a drunken episode, he repeats to me how he's not 'in love' with me, never gets sex, pays for everything and is in the 'wrong life'. He also tells me he's still young and good looking and can get another girl and that we 'had a good run' (8 years). Sometimes he tells me he's about to cheat - he's flirting with more and more girls at the bars. Then he tries to have sex with me.

Usually by the end of it I'm in tears, no matter how strong my resolve is in the beginning, he keeps picking and picking looking at me with cold eyes and making me feel worthless. This last episode lasted about 5 hours and I missed the next day from work.

The day after, he's all flowers and backpedaling, saying he was drunk and trying to cause a fight so that we could have makeup sex. (helloooooo... sick much??) Then we have a honeymoon phase complete with promises, self awareness, epiphanies etc. This lasts about 2 weeks to a month. Then we start the slow and steady downward slide into what will become the agony of the next episode.

This last phase usually starts with him becoming emotionally distant, fewer compliments and apologies, acting more aloof, and the drinking starting to escalate. It ends with him passive aggressively insulting me nearly every day, criticizing me, drinking almost every day and going out to the bars with his friends more. Then one night he comes home from a bar, or has been marinating all day at home, and picks and picks at me or tries to have sex with me which erupts into a major explosion complete with all the insults and painful words mentioned before.

I can almost set the clock by it. Today marks 14 days since the last episode and I can see the pattern starting to play itself out again.

He admits he's an A. He even went to AA for a month about 4 years ago. He just doesn't want to stop drinking. Period. He loves it. His life is largely based on it. His friends all drink, his job allows him to drink more. His family is ALL A's. It's all around him. The only one that has a problem with it is me. And his ex-wife.

So - why is it so hard for me to leave??? I went so far as to get boxes after the last time. I packed up some things and then lost my momentum. I feel beaten down, discouraged, slightly depressed, lacking any self respect. I look at rentals online all day every day - yet I can't seem to get off my a$$ and just DO IT already. I know it's mostly fear. But what is it that has to happen for people to just leave!?? I feel paralyzed, self doubtful and numb.

Please help. I feel like I am in limbo right now. I just need to make a move one way or the other. Life shouldn't be this hard.

I used to be fun. I used to love life. I used to have plans, and dreams and hope. now, seriously, it's day to day. I'm just trying to get through this day. I have no plans, no hope, no lust for life. He even comments on that as if he didn't contribute to it. Like something's wrong with me.

sandrawg

I am not a big believer in blanket "shoulds" or "shouldn'ts". I just started in al-anon so I can't say that there is any specific policy on this. It's my understanding that they do not take a position whatsoever on whether/when you should leave an A relationship.

I personally do not believe anyone who's in an abusive relationship should tolerate it one more minute.

I was in a yearlong verbally abusive relationship and I had no idea how much damage it was doing to me til I got out. It's like being in a hurricane and just fighting for your life...then once the storm passes, you're stuck surveying the damage and trying what seems like an impossible task of clean-up.

hopeful4

I think Alanon would not extend that limit to anyone who is so obviously in an abusive relationship. This cycle for him will come to a head one day, either in death or jail. In the mean time, are you going to sit by and let this abuse happen?? It is of course your decision and no one else's. Just ask yourself how many times can you be brought back with broken promises and flowers?? Too many already I would bet. Take a stand and take care of yourself this time around.

God Bless!

Shellcrusher

I don't know what the etiquette is here because I'm new, just like you.

With that said, I think you have a golden opportunity to get away from something that in the end is causing you distress.

I agree with you that life shouldn't be this hard and the one thing I'm learning about a hard life is that it can much harder if you do nothing to improve it.

suki44883

It sounds to me like you want to leave, have good reasons to leave, but are just scared of the unknown. That is very common, so don't feel badly about it. Going to Al-anon is great and the support you will receive there and here, if you decide to hang around, will be tremendous. You don't have to make a decision by 3:00 today, so just take some deep breaths and start formulating a plan. Having a plan in place will be a huge relief.

Stick around SR and read and post often. You will find a lot of experience, strength and hope here. Here's a hug...I think you could use one.

silkspin

I too was caught in a cycle, a weekly one. Not abusive per se, but emotionally draining. Hangover, fight, makeup, promises. My anxiety level would start rising as Wednesday rolled around, anticipating the weekend events. They always came. Friday night, he deserves it, works hard, needs a break, I'm a nag and no fun anymore. Next day, sheepish, pathetic, feeling guilty, apologetic. Rinse, repeat. The honeymoon phase was him trying to rid himself of the guilt (not about really caring that he hurt me), then once he did, time bought, can make plans for the following weekend.

I was told the same thing in al anon about the 6 months. I believe the reason for this is so that you have some time to start healing yourself and be in a better place to make an informed decision instead of a rash move, as we get caught up in crazy with the a's. It's a guideline only and wouldn't apply in an abusive situation.

I didn't last out the 6; at month 5 I was in a better place for sure, and my situation wasn't abusive. Then there were a few drunken incidents and calmly, inside, something clicked and it was suddenly the right time. I just knew, no blow ups, no fireworks or yelling. I simply said I was done and asked him to leave. We separated for a time and he found recovery, and we are still together working at it, although he has slipped recently and I wonder about where it's going.

Keep going to al anon; it will help you detach from his crazy cycle and help you not engage in it, if you're not quite ready for a next step. But if there is abuse, please protect yourself at all costs.

cmc

Hello spent and welcome to SR.

There is no such recommendation within the program of Al-Anon about conditions or a timetable for leaving. In the meetings and as we strive to do here on SR, the sharing is best limited to sharing our own experience, strength and hope. This way I'm free to decide what works for me or what doesn't, and can adapt my own life according to what has worked for others.

The idea of me waiting to decide something is for my benefit in that I can be in control of what I decide without being pressured or coerced; and taking things one day at a time is good slogan but is not a promotion for me to endure the intolerable.


edit....If you haven't seen them yet, there are some helpful threads about abuse in the Sticky section at the top of the forum page.

nodaybut2day

At the risk of repeating myself, here I go again: Make lists!

Brainstorm all the things you'll be able to do when you're gone.
Brainstorm all the things you won't have to deal with when you're not with him.

Next, ask yourself where you want to be in a few months.
Then brainstorm on how to get there.

Here's what my list looked like:
1) Save up money for first month's rent.
2) Have landlord agree to change lease to XAH's name only.
3) Decide what I'm taking (that's another list altogether).
4) File necessary papers to being legal separatioh
5) Meet with lawyer to discuss divorce proceedings.
6) Bring all important papers to work
7) Open up separate bank account. Have paycheck deposited therein.
8) Cancel relevant credit cards
9) Call utilities companies to advise that XAH will be taking over the bill as of X date.

It took some time but I slowly managed to tick things off my list, one day at a time. Everyday I worked on my plan, adjusted things, removed things, got things done. It left me with a huge feeling of accomplishment.

You can do this! We're here rooting for you!

(and FTR, I found SR and about a month or two later, I left XAH)

FindingPeace1

I feel you; I really do!
Explore your fears and what holds you back.
If you are like me, you have a hard time making decisions (especially ones with big consequences). If you are like me, you are waiting for it to feel "right," "good," "obvious," "make sense," "be necessary" or something like that.

I will let you in now - it will never feel good to leave your partner. It may never (probably not ever) make sense.
Go by your own feelings. Are you unhappy/stressed/mixed up/confused/angry, etc.? That's a message to you.
Your partner may never say the thing that will make it easy, but that doesn't mean it might not still be a good idea to go.

Good luck,
peace

cheesegrits

Um, my wife kicked me out on my behind when I was an alcoholic jerk. He'll get over it. He obviously has issues you are never going to conquer. She asked me to come back later after I had worked out my problems. I just couldn't, quite simply I had moved on with my life. Thing is, I insulted her the same way, and did most of all the other things you mentioned, and realized after counseling it was more than just the alcohol. I just did not want to be with her, as she hated my family, parents and sister. Drinking only made things worse, buried emotions, clouded judgements. Relationships are hard enough without burying the emotional issues with booze. Seems like he can't make up his mind what he wants. Guys will act like this when they can't break up on their own, self sabotaging the relationship. He's also a pot smoker. My guess is that he does not appreciate you for who you are.

Learn2Live

Wow, you have been with this a$$hole for EIGHT years?! I likely would have done something to send myself to jail if I lived with him that long. What most of us don't realize when we are in this type of situation is that the longer we procrastinate, the longer we do NOTHING to take care of ourselves, the longer we IGNORE our needs, the greater the opportunity we give to that other person and/or his actions to seriously hurt us in one way or another.

You are likely waiting for something to provide you the momentum to GET OUT. The situation you describe sounds like you may be so affected and depressed by the way you are treated that you have even LESS motivation to act than normal. Many of us have waited until our very lives were in danger from either the other person or from the mental illnesses that develop from living with those kind of people.

Sometimes all it takes is someone telling you to get out. This is why it is important for you to have real, live, social supports in your community. Do you have family and/or friends close by?

You need to get away from this person, physically. It is a VERY unhealthy situation you are keeping yourself in. It is NOT a matter of "leaving" him or not. It is a matter of taking care of YOU. If he were a wild lion in the jungle and you were in danger of being eaten by it, would you say, "Oh, I'm not sure if I should leave this lion"? No. You would get the #$@! away from it.

ElegantlyWasted

Do whatever you can to make yourself well. I've come to realize that these types of dysfunctional patterns are only broken when you put your needs completely first. The cycle can be broken (at least your participation in it) you're no crazy, find the strength where ever you can. A very similar pattern exists with my gf and her son. He manipulates guilt trips etc. and has threatened violence and suicide. Things settle down, everything is smooth for awhile, then escalates. Fortunately we got him into counseling and he seems committed to change, despite gf continuing to drink excessively. This would not have happened if I had not put my foot down and made gf aware aware of the larger cycle. Best of luck; alot of great support here.

spent

Wow.

I'm sitting here in the 'guest' bedroom of our house - which has become more my room than the guest room - listening through the walls to the very loud music blaring while he's sitting in the hot tub by himself working on his 7th or 8th drink. I got off work a little early and we met up with each other. We had a drink or two and some food, then I wanted to try to tell him how I felt. This of course started the arguing. The 'digs' and meanness while not completely foreign to me are still shocking and hurtful. He hasn't always been this mean when drinking. This is a recent development - maybe over the last 1 to 2 years. He's said those things before, but now he's just vicious when he says them. I tried to tell him how I feel and it turned into a 'tit for tat' type discussion with him having to one-up me no matter what I said. He wants me to know that he's in more pain than me - whatever it is I say.

Then he turned it into an all about sex talk. About how he's so horny. (We've had sex twice this week already - yes I know, I guess I'm looking for him to love me, see I'm just as sick - but he still masturbates with porn and toys and whatnot every day, usually more than once. I could never fully satisfy him, even when things were 'good'.) He told me that yesterday he signed on to a website for 'swingers' that he saw advertised in a local magazine. He filled out a profile. He said he didn't submit it. He said it's for people who are not sexually satisfied but don't want to leave their partner. He says that's him. He just wants to meet up with people who want sex with no strings. Is this normal?? Who is this person???? How did I get here?? How am I with someone like this??

My head is reeling. One person here said something about sex being used in anger and for control - this hit a nerve. You're right - it's doesn't seem to be about the alcohol anymore. It's about a rage and control that I can't possibly help him with. I appreciate everything you guys said. You have no idea how it helps me to have your perspective. I don't have any friends here to lean on right now - they are all in another state. The state I grew up in. Unfortunately since I've been with him I've sort of shrunk away from most people and definitely from friendships. I think it's because of the big secrets I've been carrying around for so long. They are eating at me and I feel like I can't have an honest, joyous relationship with anyone.

I know no one can tell me what to do. But your comments certainly help me feel better about the decision that I really do know inside is inevitable. Sometimes sitting in this house by myself trying to process it all is just some completely overwhelming. It helps so much to have other people's perspectives and support. Thanks guys.

Jess01

Leaving is the hard part.
When you do leave you will feel relief and a weight being lifted.
Just dont look back when you do decide to go, stick to a plan if you can, and get as much support that you can.
Happiness and healing is just around the corner....if you want it to be.

Good luck

nodaybut2day

How are you today spent?

cheesegrits

Are you serious? It amazes me what some women will put up with, and for what? I'd rather be alone than with such a toxic jerk. Somewhere out there is a man who will love you and take care of you. You may have to spend some time alone before it happens. In any case, run don't walk.

Learn2Live

Spent, please go to Al-Anon. You really need other people who understand what you are going through, (real, live people), in your life. Just google it with the name of your city.

tjp613

spent - whether you realize it or not you are enmeshed in the classic "cycle of abuse" (Google it). As part of my research when I volunteered at our local domestic violence shelter, I read a book called "Why Does He Do That". The life you have been living, the anxiey, dread, sadness, confusion....will become crystallized for you if you read it. I highly recommend it because even if you leave you won't be "done" with him for awhile.

I'm going through the same "should I stay or should I go" situation myself, but for different reasons. I'm having a hard time doing what I need to do, too. I think I'll take noday's advice and at least start with making a list. And I might go look at a few places to live today or tomorrow.

I want my life back. Sounds like you are ready, too. I wish you well. (((Hugs)))

Pelican

Gentle Reminder to everyone:

Please remember the most effective way to support a fellow member is by offering your personal experience, hope and support.

Our moderators have posted this wisdom in our sticky (permanent posts):

Originally Posted by Ann
I felt a need to post something here about being respectful to other members and keeping in mind that many people posting here are newcomers or old timers in crisis and their emotions are raw.

When I was new to recovery, just finding the courage to go to a meeting and share was intimidating for me. I didn’t say a word for the first 3 meetings, just sat there and cried with a box of tissues. I remember those feelings each time a newcomer walks in the door and each time one of us is in crisis and needs to share.

Sometimes the poster just needs a shoulder, sometimes just someone to validate how they feel rather than challenge the situation that brought them to this feeling. And mostly they need you to share YOUR experience, strength and hope so that we can learn something useful and “see” recovery at work.

When choices are challenged by others (no matter how good or poor their choices may be) it makes a person feel defensive or like the world’s biggest loser and there isn’t an ounce of recovery to grab on to.

An example would be someone who discovered their spouse is an addict and things are not good at home (Imagine their pain, confusion and heartache). To simply reply “why do you stay with this loser?” or “Why don’t you just leave” doesn’t help anyone. In recovery we don’t “tell” anyone what to do, we share our own experience, strength and hope and, if asked, we gently and respectfully offer suggestions. Recovery is about treating people the way we like to be treated. Recovery is about giving freely what was so freely given to us.

That is not to say we walk on eggshells here, we can shoot straight goods without attacking the person or their decisions. Our differences are what makes this forum interesting and helpful to so many people, because there is always someone who can relate to us. I embrace our diversity as something valuable that brings all kinds of recovery to the site. But when I feel my adrenaline pumping over a post I am reading, I find it good to just sit on my hands until I can calmly and respectfully say what is in my heart.

We come here from all corners of the world and our customs and practices vary significantly sometimes. How we speak may come across as harsh to someone who can’t see our faces or know us well enough to understand our personalities.

I love all you members here, the mamas, the spouses, the partners, the siblings and all who love an addict. I have stayed here and continued to grow for over 7 years because of YOU and all you have shared with me and the support you have given me, and for that I am grateful.

As a moderator here, I am proud of the people on this forum, because you all are the most supportive, kindest, funniest, and dearest people I have met here at SR. Something my dear friend Hangin’ In has said often is a good reminder for all of us, including me…she says “Say what you mean and mean what you say, just don’t say it mean.”

Hugs to each one of you

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family Spent!

You will find support and information here. You are not alone!

I came home from my first Alanon meeting and walked into my home.
My AH of 13 years was sitting on the couch watching TV.
I calmly asked him to turn down the volume so I could speak to him. He complied.
I calmly told him I was finished. I had decided to leave our marriage.
There was no screaming, yelling, ranting, crying. The entire conversation lasted less than 5 minutes.

I believe I had been mentally preparing for that day for a long time. It was finally time to commit to the decision.

Your eyes are opening to the reality of your relationship.
Your recovery journey begins here.

We are here to support you as you take steps to begin your recovery.