to leave or not to leave - that is the question
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
Honey, I do feel your pain, but you need to get out of this before you do more damage to your psyche by staying with him. I was with a verbally abusive man for a year, and all he did was try to tell me how unlovable and unattractive I am. Well, you know what? I am a model now. Yes, I actually get paid to have my photo taken. So I know he was full of s&&t.
I got counseling about 6 months into our relationship and it really helped me summon up the strength and courage to get out.
Unfortunately, I then ended up in a rel'ship with my ex, who is an active alcoholic. I remained in denial about this for 2 yrs. The last time he chose the bar over me, I walked, but he came back pretending he was gonna change. He went to a couple AA meetings and to see his therapist, and I stupidly rushed back into it with him. 7-8 months later, I ended up on the receiving end of a drunken temper tantrum where he called me the C word, threw things at me, shot me with a squirt gun, and screamed at me for 2 hours over nothing.
I will NEVER EVER EVER let ANYONE verbally abuse me again; nor should you. Both my exes are history, and I am stuck here trying to heal from the scars. I just started going to al-anon and doing the steps. If I could afford therapy, I would do it, because I can't right now. I have so many affects of the abuse that I'm only vaguely aware of, for ex, I constantly have trouble trusting people.
There's damage being done to you right now that you won't even realize until you are well away from him so PLEASE, leave and get help.
I got counseling about 6 months into our relationship and it really helped me summon up the strength and courage to get out.
Unfortunately, I then ended up in a rel'ship with my ex, who is an active alcoholic. I remained in denial about this for 2 yrs. The last time he chose the bar over me, I walked, but he came back pretending he was gonna change. He went to a couple AA meetings and to see his therapist, and I stupidly rushed back into it with him. 7-8 months later, I ended up on the receiving end of a drunken temper tantrum where he called me the C word, threw things at me, shot me with a squirt gun, and screamed at me for 2 hours over nothing.
I will NEVER EVER EVER let ANYONE verbally abuse me again; nor should you. Both my exes are history, and I am stuck here trying to heal from the scars. I just started going to al-anon and doing the steps. If I could afford therapy, I would do it, because I can't right now. I have so many affects of the abuse that I'm only vaguely aware of, for ex, I constantly have trouble trusting people.
There's damage being done to you right now that you won't even realize until you are well away from him so PLEASE, leave and get help.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Mpls, MN
Posts: 16
Originally Posted by Shellcrusher 
I don't know what the etiquette is here because I'm new, just like you.
With that said, I think you have a golden opportunity to get away from something that in the end is causing you distress.
I agree with you that life shouldn't be this hard and the one thing I'm learning about a hard life is that it can much harder if you do nothing to improve it.
With that said, I think you have a golden opportunity to get away from something that in the end is causing you distress.
I agree with you that life shouldn't be this hard and the one thing I'm learning about a hard life is that it can much harder if you do nothing to improve it.
!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Mpls, MN
Posts: 16
I'm in a similar situation but not so extreme, but I am making a game plan. It really helps to help you detach emotionally, which is a process and probably why the 6 mo advice. One needs enough time, except in the face of danger, to learn some stuff, get support and make that plan. You want to be strong as possible going forward so you don't slip back. Or at least to stay safer emotionally, (if that's possible) if you decide to stay...with boundaries!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by spent
...You're right - it's doesn't seem to be about the alcohol anymore. It's about a rage and control that I can't possibly help him with. I appreciate everything you guys said. You have no idea how it helps me to have your perspective. I don't have any friends here to lean on right now - they are all in another state...
I'm like you. I don't have any friends in this state. Well, my best friend is here but his family isn't like mine. They don't understand this disease and while he's my bf, he can't help me.
Therefore, I am trying very hard to make friends with everyone on this board because it's what I can do. It's my way of helping myself, just like you're doing.
Keep posting.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 3
Today I am doing alright. I'm very tired, but I did make it to work. Last night was rough - he was throwing rocks at the house aimed at the bedroom I was in at about 10:30 pm and so I went out there because obviously that's what he wanted. How very very sad to see a man standing their *almost* cross eyed, swaying back and forth and begging me to come out. Me: you're drunk. Him: no I'm not. Me: what do you want? Him: I just wanted you to come out here with me. What a confused man. Get out. Stay here. I'm not in love with you. I love you. You're the best thing that ever happened to me. Don't worry you'll find someone else.
This morning of course, there were apologies, you're rights, what if I get help, and tears. He's a mess. I'm a mess. I probably don't have to tell you all that this man isn't all bad. He's a good person with a horrible disease. It breaks my heart. Truly.
He said what if he stopped drinking, would I not leave? I said no. Because he's doing it for me, which we know will never 'stick'. There was that one month he spent in AA about 4 years ago - for me - that proves this. He hasn't really hit bottom. He loves drinking. He told me this morning, through tears, that he can't imagine his life without alcohol. Wow. How very sad.
I have never been in this place before. I come from parents that are alcholics, divorced when I was 11. My Mom then got sober through AA (yay) when I was 14 and stayed that way for many many years until she passed away. My Dad is still and active, functional alcoholic that has no relationship with any of his 4 kids.
I've never been married. This is the longest relationship I've ever had. The only other serious relationship I had, I left when it became clear to me that that guy was a heavy drinker and pot smoker. I don't know why I've stayed in this for so long. Hope maybe. Self doubt, not worthyness? I think I have a lot of soul searching to do on that front.
So I'm familiar with the alcoholic. The patterns, the cravings, the crazy behavior. I've been around it my whole life. I thought I was smarter than this. I thought I knew the signs and would get out. Talk about denial.
I ended up buying that book on Kindle "Why Does He Do That?" as someone suggested. Powerful. So much of what's in that book that I've read so far does resonate with me. I'm not ready to call him an abuser just yet - I do think that alcohol and other addictions are at the heart of this man's insane behavior. But it helps to read about it. Makes me feel not so alone in it.
Today I am gathering information about places to live in the area. I have a price point in mind. I have a cat and some stuff I need to store. I plan to look at a few places tomorrow. I am horribly sad. We built a life together - have a nice house & had a decent life until a few years ago. I'm close to his kids. Not having any of my own, this is important to me.
But I'm dying inside. I'm barely functioning at work and I'm afraid that if I don't snap out of it, I may be jeopardizing my job. I want my lust for life back. I want to hike outdoors without pre-planning the drinking afterward. Or bike ride without drinking afterward. Or camping, fishing, anything, without it revolving around the booze. How refreshing that would be. I want to open myself up to people again without being afraid that my open wound will just bleed all over them and scare them away. I want to know that I'm a good person again. that I have a lot to contribute. I want to pursue my dreams, go back to school, travel the world, meet interesting people.
I realized today that I have been in survival mode for years. My hopes, dream, ambitions, have been on 'hold' while I have been trying to just live in the toxic environment that I have put myself in and survive it day to day.
I hope to find some peace soon. I know the next few weeks will be rough. You guys are right. It will never feel good to leave my partner.
But I hope to at least have some peace about it. Today, I am sad. and tired.
This morning of course, there were apologies, you're rights, what if I get help, and tears. He's a mess. I'm a mess. I probably don't have to tell you all that this man isn't all bad. He's a good person with a horrible disease. It breaks my heart. Truly.
He said what if he stopped drinking, would I not leave? I said no. Because he's doing it for me, which we know will never 'stick'. There was that one month he spent in AA about 4 years ago - for me - that proves this. He hasn't really hit bottom. He loves drinking. He told me this morning, through tears, that he can't imagine his life without alcohol. Wow. How very sad.
I have never been in this place before. I come from parents that are alcholics, divorced when I was 11. My Mom then got sober through AA (yay) when I was 14 and stayed that way for many many years until she passed away. My Dad is still and active, functional alcoholic that has no relationship with any of his 4 kids.
I've never been married. This is the longest relationship I've ever had. The only other serious relationship I had, I left when it became clear to me that that guy was a heavy drinker and pot smoker. I don't know why I've stayed in this for so long. Hope maybe. Self doubt, not worthyness? I think I have a lot of soul searching to do on that front.
So I'm familiar with the alcoholic. The patterns, the cravings, the crazy behavior. I've been around it my whole life. I thought I was smarter than this. I thought I knew the signs and would get out. Talk about denial.
I ended up buying that book on Kindle "Why Does He Do That?" as someone suggested. Powerful. So much of what's in that book that I've read so far does resonate with me. I'm not ready to call him an abuser just yet - I do think that alcohol and other addictions are at the heart of this man's insane behavior. But it helps to read about it. Makes me feel not so alone in it.
Today I am gathering information about places to live in the area. I have a price point in mind. I have a cat and some stuff I need to store. I plan to look at a few places tomorrow. I am horribly sad. We built a life together - have a nice house & had a decent life until a few years ago. I'm close to his kids. Not having any of my own, this is important to me.
But I'm dying inside. I'm barely functioning at work and I'm afraid that if I don't snap out of it, I may be jeopardizing my job. I want my lust for life back. I want to hike outdoors without pre-planning the drinking afterward. Or bike ride without drinking afterward. Or camping, fishing, anything, without it revolving around the booze. How refreshing that would be. I want to open myself up to people again without being afraid that my open wound will just bleed all over them and scare them away. I want to know that I'm a good person again. that I have a lot to contribute. I want to pursue my dreams, go back to school, travel the world, meet interesting people.
I realized today that I have been in survival mode for years. My hopes, dream, ambitions, have been on 'hold' while I have been trying to just live in the toxic environment that I have put myself in and survive it day to day.
I hope to find some peace soon. I know the next few weeks will be rough. You guys are right. It will never feel good to leave my partner.
But I hope to at least have some peace about it. Today, I am sad. and tired.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by spent
I hope to find some peace soon. I know the next few weeks will be rough. You guys are right. It will never feel good to leave my partner. But I hope to at least have some peace about it. Today, I am sad. and tired.
But I hope to at least have some peace about it. Today, I am sad. and tired.
You're not alone, dear. We are here anytime you need us.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by spent
I probably don't have to tell you all that this man isn't all bad. He's a good person with a horrible disease. It breaks my heart. Truly.
Life is not black and white. It's full of gray, but even more importantly, a whole spectrum of beautiful colors. He doesn't have to be "all bad" to be a poor partner. Our parents didn't have to be "all bad" in order to teach us some messed up ideas about life and relationships.
And, we don't have to be perfect in order to have a good life. We just have to do the next right thing.
:ghug3
L
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
I think one of the worst things about codependency, is that we risk our own health, jobs, well-being for the benefit of someone else...someone else who really isn't even THINKING of our needs or wants or boundaries, because they're completely incapable.
I remember when my RXAB used to hound me at work. I'd tell him I had a very important meeting and he'd say, "I don't care. This is MY work. This is more important." Can you imagine?? What an arrogant...never mind, we can't curse.
My most recent ex, the active alcoholic, did a lot of the same stuff yours is doing. Saying he'd go to therapy, or AA--making half-a&&'d attempts to do so..I figured out, he loved the drama. He craves it. I honestly don't know how he was managing to keep HIS job...I would go to my job feeling emotionally drained from a weekend of fighting, or a weekend spent trying to keep him and his alcoholic friends from drunk driving...etc.
When it came time for me to give my ex the final ultimatum--me or drinking--do you know what he said? He said, "I could tell you that I will stop drinking, but I'd be lying. All I'd do is drink behind your back and hide it."
OH, you're willing to lie to me to keep your nasty habit, yet you're NOT AN ALCOHOLIC???
Amazing, isn't it? I knew then there was no more hope for this relationship.
I remember when my RXAB used to hound me at work. I'd tell him I had a very important meeting and he'd say, "I don't care. This is MY work. This is more important." Can you imagine?? What an arrogant...never mind, we can't curse.
My most recent ex, the active alcoholic, did a lot of the same stuff yours is doing. Saying he'd go to therapy, or AA--making half-a&&'d attempts to do so..I figured out, he loved the drama. He craves it. I honestly don't know how he was managing to keep HIS job...I would go to my job feeling emotionally drained from a weekend of fighting, or a weekend spent trying to keep him and his alcoholic friends from drunk driving...etc.
When it came time for me to give my ex the final ultimatum--me or drinking--do you know what he said? He said, "I could tell you that I will stop drinking, but I'd be lying. All I'd do is drink behind your back and hide it."
OH, you're willing to lie to me to keep your nasty habit, yet you're NOT AN ALCOHOLIC???
Amazing, isn't it? I knew then there was no more hope for this relationship.
Originally Posted by spent
Today I am doing alright. I'm very tired, but I did make it to work. Last night was rough - he was throwing rocks at the house aimed at the bedroom I was in at about 10:30 pm and so I went out there because obviously that's what he wanted. How very very sad to see a man standing their *almost* cross eyed, swaying back and forth and begging me to come out. Me: you're drunk. Him: no I'm not. Me: what do you want? Him: I just wanted you to come out here with me. What a confused man. Get out. Stay here. I'm not in love with you. I love you. You're the best thing that ever happened to me. Don't worry you'll find someone else.
This morning of course, there were apologies, you're rights, what if I get help, and tears. He's a mess. I'm a mess. I probably don't have to tell you all that this man isn't all bad. He's a good person with a horrible disease. It breaks my heart. Truly.
He said what if he stopped drinking, would I not leave? I said no. Because he's doing it for me, which we know will never 'stick'. There was that one month he spent in AA about 4 years ago - for me - that proves this. He hasn't really hit bottom. He loves drinking. He told me this morning, through tears, that he can't imagine his life without alcohol. Wow. How very sad.
I have never been in this place before. I come from parents that are alcholics, divorced when I was 11. My Mom then got sober through AA (yay) when I was 14 and stayed that way for many many years until she passed away. My Dad is still and active, functional alcoholic that has no relationship with any of his 4 kids.
I've never been married. This is the longest relationship I've ever had. The only other serious relationship I had, I left when it became clear to me that that guy was a heavy drinker and pot smoker. I don't know why I've stayed in this for so long. Hope maybe. Self doubt, not worthyness? I think I have a lot of soul searching to do on that front.
So I'm familiar with the alcoholic. The patterns, the cravings, the crazy behavior. I've been around it my whole life. I thought I was smarter than this. I thought I knew the signs and would get out. Talk about denial.
I ended up buying that book on Kindle "Why Does He Do That?" as someone suggested. Powerful. So much of what's in that book that I've read so far does resonate with me. I'm not ready to call him an abuser just yet - I do think that alcohol and other addictions are at the heart of this man's insane behavior. But it helps to read about it. Makes me feel not so alone in it.
Today I am gathering information about places to live in the area. I have a price point in mind. I have a cat and some stuff I need to store. I plan to look at a few places tomorrow. I am horribly sad. We built a life together - have a nice house & had a decent life until a few years ago. I'm close to his kids. Not having any of my own, this is important to me.
But I'm dying inside. I'm barely functioning at work and I'm afraid that if I don't snap out of it, I may be jeopardizing my job. I want my lust for life back. I want to hike outdoors without pre-planning the drinking afterward. Or bike ride without drinking afterward. Or camping, fishing, anything, without it revolving around the booze. How refreshing that would be. I want to open myself up to people again without being afraid that my open wound will just bleed all over them and scare them away. I want to know that I'm a good person again. that I have a lot to contribute. I want to pursue my dreams, go back to school, travel the world, meet interesting people.
I realized today that I have been in survival mode for years. My hopes, dream, ambitions, have been on 'hold' while I have been trying to just live in the toxic environment that I have put myself in and survive it day to day.
I hope to find some peace soon. I know the next few weeks will be rough. You guys are right. It will never feel good to leave my partner. But I hope to at least have some peace about it. Today, I am sad. and tired.
This morning of course, there were apologies, you're rights, what if I get help, and tears. He's a mess. I'm a mess. I probably don't have to tell you all that this man isn't all bad. He's a good person with a horrible disease. It breaks my heart. Truly.
He said what if he stopped drinking, would I not leave? I said no. Because he's doing it for me, which we know will never 'stick'. There was that one month he spent in AA about 4 years ago - for me - that proves this. He hasn't really hit bottom. He loves drinking. He told me this morning, through tears, that he can't imagine his life without alcohol. Wow. How very sad.
I have never been in this place before. I come from parents that are alcholics, divorced when I was 11. My Mom then got sober through AA (yay) when I was 14 and stayed that way for many many years until she passed away. My Dad is still and active, functional alcoholic that has no relationship with any of his 4 kids.
I've never been married. This is the longest relationship I've ever had. The only other serious relationship I had, I left when it became clear to me that that guy was a heavy drinker and pot smoker. I don't know why I've stayed in this for so long. Hope maybe. Self doubt, not worthyness? I think I have a lot of soul searching to do on that front.
So I'm familiar with the alcoholic. The patterns, the cravings, the crazy behavior. I've been around it my whole life. I thought I was smarter than this. I thought I knew the signs and would get out. Talk about denial.
I ended up buying that book on Kindle "Why Does He Do That?" as someone suggested. Powerful. So much of what's in that book that I've read so far does resonate with me. I'm not ready to call him an abuser just yet - I do think that alcohol and other addictions are at the heart of this man's insane behavior. But it helps to read about it. Makes me feel not so alone in it.
Today I am gathering information about places to live in the area. I have a price point in mind. I have a cat and some stuff I need to store. I plan to look at a few places tomorrow. I am horribly sad. We built a life together - have a nice house & had a decent life until a few years ago. I'm close to his kids. Not having any of my own, this is important to me.
But I'm dying inside. I'm barely functioning at work and I'm afraid that if I don't snap out of it, I may be jeopardizing my job. I want my lust for life back. I want to hike outdoors without pre-planning the drinking afterward. Or bike ride without drinking afterward. Or camping, fishing, anything, without it revolving around the booze. How refreshing that would be. I want to open myself up to people again without being afraid that my open wound will just bleed all over them and scare them away. I want to know that I'm a good person again. that I have a lot to contribute. I want to pursue my dreams, go back to school, travel the world, meet interesting people.
I realized today that I have been in survival mode for years. My hopes, dream, ambitions, have been on 'hold' while I have been trying to just live in the toxic environment that I have put myself in and survive it day to day.
I hope to find some peace soon. I know the next few weeks will be rough. You guys are right. It will never feel good to leave my partner.
But I hope to at least have some peace about it. Today, I am sad. and tired.Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Moving east
Posts: 217
"spent" I don't post here much but I do a lot of reading. Your first post was me when I was married at 21 to the man I now call the devil. We were together 5 loooonnnnngggg years. I'm not going to write an entire book about him because he's not worth it but I must say to you.......RUN like you have never run before. That's only my opinion, but 29 years later, what I went through with him still affects me. I am a much stronger person now (although I once again married an A). I will not ever tolerate abuse towards me or my animals ever again. I am in counseling now and she is teaching me that it's ok to put ME first. I pray you can find the strength (before you're as old as me) to put yourself first and not have the regrets I am now trying to make up for. No matter what you do, I wish you the best. Good luck!!!
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
You are so right, Furbabies. The stuff they say and do-it lasts and lasts.
I still feel like New Orleans 2 days after Katrina sometimes. I don't know if I'll ever get to the point I was at when I was younger, before I ended up in these very toxic relationships. I sometimes feel like I will always be guarded, jaded, and distrustful.
I still feel like New Orleans 2 days after Katrina sometimes. I don't know if I'll ever get to the point I was at when I was younger, before I ended up in these very toxic relationships. I sometimes feel like I will always be guarded, jaded, and distrustful.
Originally Posted by luvmyfurbabies
"spent" I don't post here much but I do a lot of reading. Your first post was me when I was married at 21 to the man I now call the devil. We were together 5 loooonnnnngggg years. I'm not going to write an entire book about him because he's not worth it but I must say to you.......RUN like you have never run before. That's only my opinion, but 29 years later, what I went through with him still affects me. I am a much stronger person now (although I once again married an A). I will not ever tolerate abuse towards me or my animals ever again. I am in counseling now and she is teaching me that it's ok to put ME first. I pray you can find the strength (before you're as old as me) to put yourself first and not have the regrets I am now trying to make up for. No matter what you do, I wish you the best. Good luck!!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 27
Sandrawg (& Spent),
Thanks for sharing. Wow Sandrawg. We share a similar experience, and you are right—it takes a long time to heal from such a psychologically abusive relationship.
I have worked as a legitimate model for 20+ years and my ex would constantly criticize me and my looks. When I left, I found people stopping me on the street and in stores to pay me compliments, and every time I would feel 1) taken aback...as if I couldn't believe them, and 2) incredibly sad after. Why? The painful realization that others/strangers would tell me I was special, and yet the man who "loved" me made it abundantly clear he didn't think so.
The point was further emphasized when I recently went on a weekend trip with a friend and her daughter. When I emerged from my room one evening, both girls said they loved my nightgown. It was "adorable!" Where did I get it? I remember when I bought it that I too thought it was cute. And then I remember questioning my judgement b/c my ex told me I looked like jail-bait in it the first time I wore it around him. (It is striped.)
His insults are etched in my memory. I have never been involved with someone so cruel, and it will take a long time to heal. We have been apart two months now and though I remind myself of all the horrible things he said and did, I still feel pain and sadness that our relationship ended the way it did. I really mourn the part of me that loved so freely. So naively. So stupidly.
Yes, the roller coaster has ended. My work is good. My son is healthy. I have time for my music. But I wonder if I'll ever be able to trust again? The emotional damage is deeper than I ever could have imagined. Meanwhile, I'm sure he's happy and drunk and having a barrel of fun.
Thanks for sharing. Wow Sandrawg. We share a similar experience, and you are right—it takes a long time to heal from such a psychologically abusive relationship.
I have worked as a legitimate model for 20+ years and my ex would constantly criticize me and my looks. When I left, I found people stopping me on the street and in stores to pay me compliments, and every time I would feel 1) taken aback...as if I couldn't believe them, and 2) incredibly sad after. Why? The painful realization that others/strangers would tell me I was special, and yet the man who "loved" me made it abundantly clear he didn't think so.
The point was further emphasized when I recently went on a weekend trip with a friend and her daughter. When I emerged from my room one evening, both girls said they loved my nightgown. It was "adorable!" Where did I get it? I remember when I bought it that I too thought it was cute. And then I remember questioning my judgement b/c my ex told me I looked like jail-bait in it the first time I wore it around him. (It is striped.)
His insults are etched in my memory. I have never been involved with someone so cruel, and it will take a long time to heal. We have been apart two months now and though I remind myself of all the horrible things he said and did, I still feel pain and sadness that our relationship ended the way it did. I really mourn the part of me that loved so freely. So naively. So stupidly.
Yes, the roller coaster has ended. My work is good. My son is healthy. I have time for my music. But I wonder if I'll ever be able to trust again? The emotional damage is deeper than I ever could have imagined. Meanwhile, I'm sure he's happy and drunk and having a barrel of fun.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 27
And I guess I should add this, before anyone says 'how could you date such a cad?'
He could be (and was...at times) the most fun, most passionate, most thoughtful, most generous, most hard-working guy I'd ever been involved with. He showered me with incredibly thoughtful gifts, would tend to my car, help me move, buy me gadgets, take me on romantic weekends.
And then I realized his drinking was excessive. And then he knew that I knew. And then he began to hate me. And then came the insults—carefully mixed in with the i-love-yous and references to our future. And then came texts from other women, and lies.
So here I am. Stung by what appeared to be great but was all just lies. I have no past with alcoholism, so I was clueless. Not any more...
He could be (and was...at times) the most fun, most passionate, most thoughtful, most generous, most hard-working guy I'd ever been involved with. He showered me with incredibly thoughtful gifts, would tend to my car, help me move, buy me gadgets, take me on romantic weekends.
And then I realized his drinking was excessive. And then he knew that I knew. And then he began to hate me. And then came the insults—carefully mixed in with the i-love-yous and references to our future. And then came texts from other women, and lies.
So here I am. Stung by what appeared to be great but was all just lies. I have no past with alcoholism, so I was clueless. Not any more...
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