12stepnchick

I've been seeing this man for the past 3 mths and it has been great, he is not an A. We've had some "static" worked through it and continued. He lied to me very early on about another woman (he had been seeing in the past-and the fact that she still shares a house with him and 11 other coworkers) I made the decision to try and move past it, after he and I talked it out-A LOT, but I'm not sure if I have.
I've only been in recovery (AlAnon) a year, and I am learning/working a program but am honestly, currently in a "slump" and can't get my back on track....I can see changes in my behaviors often and recognize it as the program and my AlAnon family and HP at work in my life.
But I still struggle.....I struggle with obsession, anxiety, self esteem,and denial. I still keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, for this man to go running back to "her" as soon as she decides she wants him. He has assured me repeatedly that is not where he wants to be, that he wants to be with me, and has no feelings for her at all now YET they live under the same roof 1-2 days a week, and that cant change. And I WANT to believe him, but still that lie looms larger than life before me at times, and at times it doesn't.
I want to try to make this relationship work, he has a lot of great qualitities, etc and I believe he wants the same, as he says so, but I can't seem to get past that feeling of "what if" today....What if she leaves? What if he leaves? What if he is lying AGAIN??? He assures me that if she left her husband tomorrow (yes she is married and 15 yrs his junior) that he is right where he wants to be. Is there any way to get the trust back?
I guess what I'm wondering is this........is it possible to be in a relationship ....and be in recovery at the same time? Is it possible to get past THE LIE? Why don't I think I'm good enough??? I feel like at this point in time my recovery is my own, and I don't want to share it. He knows I am in the program etc and is supportive.
I'm confused right now, and not sure of myself as you can see........any ESH would be wonderful........
Thanks for listening.

Learn2Live

I don't know the answer to this question, but in the relationships I have been in where the other person lied or cheated, I was never able to trust them again. My XA+ABF cheated on me, actually, and I have had a hard time trusting anyone really, since that experience.

Kittyboo

I'm with Learn on this one.

It's hard to answer, because being able to get past it comes with each individual person.
I was never able to get past the lies either, even though I wanted to. Without trust there is no relationship of any kind.

The only advice I have now is to always listen to your gut. Our intuition leads us. My XA swore to me he never wanted anything to do with his ex again.... then he dropped me like a hot potato when he got her back. I wish I had acknowldged then what I knew deep down.

HUGS

HanahGoodness

I am having a hard time getting past a lie as well. My A Husband has been starting to work a program and I felt this time he was really changing. He got his 30-day chip and was really proud of it. Then I found 2 more vodka bottles in his truck. He denied that it was his, didn't know where they came from and said that they had to have been from a long time ago. My feelings were whatever...at least be honest.

He called his sponsor, apologized to me for lying about it, but I really can't trust anything he says. My feelings for him have changed so much and I don't know if I'll ever be able to have a marriage based on love/trust with him again.

So here is my question...whether it is cheating with another partner or drinking and then lying about it....when is it time to say "Enough..." and move on?

Learn2Live

It is hard enough when you WANT to stay clean and/or sober not to hide it when you relapse. Alcoholism/Addiction is an insidious disease, in part because it actually can convince you that you DON'T care to be clean or sober. It is very difficult to trust even yourself not to relapse. You hide your relapse for many reasons, the LAST of which is likely to be, for most of us, in order to hurt someone else.

Freedom1990

I'm trying to wrap my head around that living situation...him, her, and 11 other coworkers in a house?

What am I missing here?

NoelleR

Mebbe it's a bordello.....? LOLOL ...........just a thought.


(o:
NoelleR

sandrawg

No one can really answer for you when enough is enough.

It wasn't enough for me until my xabf spent his birthday weekend having a drunken temper tantrum, throwing things at me, calling me the "c" word, threatening me....over nothing. He had the spins and wanted to go write on the walls outside w/some chalk how much he loved me, and I wouldn' t let him. I didn't want him getting arrested!

2 hours of being screamed at, having things thrown at me, even had a watergun squirted at me...yeah, that was enough.

I told him, no more drinking or I walk. He said "Bye." HIS loss.

DesertEyes

Sure. Why not? People all over the world are in relationships all the time. People who are healthy have healthy relationships, recovery is just one way of becoming healthy so we _can_ have healthy relationships.

What for? From what you have posted, this guy averages one lie every three months. I dunno about you, but for me that is enough red flags to have a parade.

Well that's a whole different issue. The reasons I didn't feel good enough, and got stuck in a bad relationship, went all the way back to my ACoA issues. It took a solid fourth and fifth step to unravel that mess, but I am _so_ glad I did. What are _you_ doing to work on your self esteem? Working the steps? Gotta sponsor? Therapist?

Well if you feel you need time and space to heal and work on yourself I think that is just fine. It took me _months_ before I was ready to even start dating, and I really should have waited a whole year like I was told.

When I get confused, especially in areas that I know I have a weaknes ..... ( relationships? ) I just back off, go talk to my sponsor, do some step work, and figure out what's going in _me_ that is causing the emotion and confusion. So far, that works for me.

Mike

Thumper

It just doesn't seem like a relationship should be that much work just 3mos in. I thought they were still supposed to be fun and light, not trying and working and 'what if's and 'if onlies'.

I have it in my head that healthy people move on from relationships if they don't work out after a couple of months. That is what dating is. It doesn't really matter what other qualities are there, or who needs to do what work. If it isn't a fit at this particular point in your life, it just isn't. Don't *make* it work. Just move on to find one that already works/fits.

Now, I'm not dating now and wouldn't know a healthy relationship if it held a sign up so take my words for what they are worth (not much)

12stepnchick

HI Freedom.......they are all health care workers who work several hours away from home-for the benefits........so they all share rent on an place.....there are usually 3-4 folks there at a time, never the whole group....then one group leaves when they get their days off and another one comes to stay......

Freedom1990

Aha, that makes perfect sense! Thanks for the clarification.

Personally, I prefer to stick with people who don't feel the need to lie. I find it particularly troublesome that he has been involved with a married woman in the past.

For me, that's a huge red flag in addition to lying to you about it.

Someone who has no qualms about having an affair with a married woman isn't desirable material in my books, not even for a friendship.

MissFixit

no it is not

coffeedrinker

12step,

i think that when trust has been compromised, you can sometimes get past it, but what i think, is that's when the offending person has really, truly owned it, been remorseful, and then exhibits actions that seek redemption.

the biblical notion of redemption suggests a turning over, a making of amends, a new way of life after the "sin". we're not supposed to just ask god for forgiveness and keep doing the same thing over and over again.

however....

you have been in some turmoil since january with this relationship. that suggests that his lack of forthright-ness is a part of a pattern, simply part of who he is. i think he has learned that if he shows you some degree of "love" that you, in your neediness, will accept his stories.

i think this is an example of having that good ol' gut feeling, and discounting it, or trying to make sense of the intuition, and then arguing with it.

i know i could be wrong, but that's what i pulled out of glancing over your posts, and it is from my own experience that i am speaking.