If you're wishing for contact...
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Join Date: Sep 2009
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If you're wishing for contact...
...think twice.
There seems to be a lot of activity here tonight, uncertainty, strength, guidance, confusion, hurt.....
So I am going to take this opportunity to process my current thoughts out. Just thinking aloud.
I wrote a thread about how my XA had contacted me again a couple of weeks ago. The advice was to leave it at that. I agreed.
Of course his contact had started my head spinning again. MAGICAL THINKING.
In a thread tonight I read a response which said something about how he will contact you again, and will say all the right things to suck you back in.....
Well, it made me think of the phone call I got. The phone call I had been wanting, and he said all of the right things. He wasn't trying to "get me back", but a way back in to my life is definitely friendship, and really, I feel that he was only calling to soothe his own conscience, to make absolve himself of feeling guilty about things by finally saying "sorry" and taking responsibility for his actions.
BUT I must be VERY honest with myself and acknowledge the things that in that phone call that were clear signs that he hasn't really changed...
-he still tried to lie to me about things which I know to be true.
Beyond that, there is very little trust I have for him. And with no trust, there is no friendship.
He did not bring up the fact that he was still with his GF and I didn't ask. But in seeing recent pictures I know they are still together.
And in seeing them together, it was painful.
Huge sign to me that I cannot have him in my life. I had to be honest with myself and acknowledge that in keeping contact with him I would be wishing for more. That does NOT allow me to heal.
So I did tell him that it is best for me if we do not speak and I wished him well.
He did not respond, which was fine.
I am trying very hard to NOT FORGET the PAST. It is very important for me to remember that the man who I thought he was in the beginning turned out to be a lie. So a phone call from him sounding like the man I fell in love with means nothing.
Him telling me that he doesn't really drink anymore....means nothing.
His words to me never meant anything, so there is no reason for me to believe they do now.
And I cannot have him in my life now for the fact that just simply he was not a good friend to me. That in and of itself is the only reason one needs to keep someone who was in the past, in the past.
So thank you for letting me think outloud. And I guess if anyone is struggling with recent contact, or wishing for contact, please let me just say that no contact is SO important. It really is a life savor.
I moved and his recent contact, and my allowing him even slightly back in caused me some pain, and having to let go all over again.
Stay no contact, and be grateful for it.
There seems to be a lot of activity here tonight, uncertainty, strength, guidance, confusion, hurt.....
So I am going to take this opportunity to process my current thoughts out. Just thinking aloud.
I wrote a thread about how my XA had contacted me again a couple of weeks ago. The advice was to leave it at that. I agreed.
Of course his contact had started my head spinning again. MAGICAL THINKING.
In a thread tonight I read a response which said something about how he will contact you again, and will say all the right things to suck you back in.....
Well, it made me think of the phone call I got. The phone call I had been wanting, and he said all of the right things. He wasn't trying to "get me back", but a way back in to my life is definitely friendship, and really, I feel that he was only calling to soothe his own conscience, to make absolve himself of feeling guilty about things by finally saying "sorry" and taking responsibility for his actions.
BUT I must be VERY honest with myself and acknowledge the things that in that phone call that were clear signs that he hasn't really changed...
-he still tried to lie to me about things which I know to be true.
Beyond that, there is very little trust I have for him. And with no trust, there is no friendship.
He did not bring up the fact that he was still with his GF and I didn't ask. But in seeing recent pictures I know they are still together.
And in seeing them together, it was painful.
Huge sign to me that I cannot have him in my life. I had to be honest with myself and acknowledge that in keeping contact with him I would be wishing for more. That does NOT allow me to heal.
So I did tell him that it is best for me if we do not speak and I wished him well.
He did not respond, which was fine.
I am trying very hard to NOT FORGET the PAST. It is very important for me to remember that the man who I thought he was in the beginning turned out to be a lie. So a phone call from him sounding like the man I fell in love with means nothing.
Him telling me that he doesn't really drink anymore....means nothing.
His words to me never meant anything, so there is no reason for me to believe they do now.
And I cannot have him in my life now for the fact that just simply he was not a good friend to me. That in and of itself is the only reason one needs to keep someone who was in the past, in the past.
So thank you for letting me think outloud. And I guess if anyone is struggling with recent contact, or wishing for contact, please let me just say that no contact is SO important. It really is a life savor.
I moved and his recent contact, and my allowing him even slightly back in caused me some pain, and having to let go all over again.
Stay no contact, and be grateful for it.
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Location: Huntington Beach, CA
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Thank you. This is where I am right now. I keep wishing he would call or text, but I tell myself if he does I don't answer. But, I still find myself wishing that he would call me. It's crazy. Thank you.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
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Thanks Kitty, I really appreciate this post. I wanted sooooooo badly for the first few months to have a sign that I "mattered." I've had zip, zero, nothing since the breakup and in hindsight I am so grateful. It was brutally hard at first but I don't ever expect to hear from him again and I'm only just getting a handle on what a blessing that is.
I don't know what it would do to my head if he reached out - and I hope I don't ever have to deal with it. The entire second half of my relationship with him was about false hope - and the first half was a lie
I didn't "matter" - nobody in his life "matters" and at this point in his disease people are just a means to an end. I'm glad I'm not one of those people anymore.
I don't know what it would do to my head if he reached out - and I hope I don't ever have to deal with it. The entire second half of my relationship with him was about false hope - and the first half was a lie
I didn't "matter" - nobody in his life "matters" and at this point in his disease people are just a means to an end. I'm glad I'm not one of those people anymore.
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Thanks all, and I'm glad if my post helps you even a little.
Still - I get that.
I felt like I never mattered either. He dropped me like a hot potato as soon as he got back with his ex, and I never heard a word from him. The last thing he said to me was never contact me again. .....so of course, I figured I would never hear from him again.
Surprise surprise.
The hardest part is separating the fantasy from reality. In my head it is easy to feel like I lost someone AMAZING because in his call he spoke as if his life was really coming together. He still had a good job, he just joined the guard, he's "been working out, in great shape and quit smoking and barely drinks anymore..."
I mean, the image that he paints of himself to me was just like the most perfect man. So of course, I sat here feeling so blue again that his girlfriend is so LUCKY to be with him. ......
Oh, yeah...then I think about the past.
Hey, maybe he really is doing well, and I should be happy for him for that. I really cared about him, so I don't wish him bad.
But the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior....and really the first thing he said to me before he called me was a text that said "thought you would have grown up by now....." ..... he was mad I blocked him on FB at the time.
It was only after I responded with less vile that he tried to turn his act around and all of a sudden wanted to be friends again...
So I have to think.... what has really changed?
In the pics I saw recently of him and his GF, there was a beer in front of him, and cigs on the table (granted, I don't know if they were his....her entire family is huge on drinking, and they smoke, and that's who they were with).... but all signs and if I am realistic point to the fact that he's still drinking, and even if he is "controlling" it now, alcoholics don't control it for long. Bottom line...he is still drinking.
It's like he pretends to be someone else when he's talking to me....
But he's actually more of himself when he's with his GF, and that's one of the reaons why he's with her, because he can be himself with her.
Still - I get that.
I felt like I never mattered either. He dropped me like a hot potato as soon as he got back with his ex, and I never heard a word from him. The last thing he said to me was never contact me again. .....so of course, I figured I would never hear from him again.
Surprise surprise.
The hardest part is separating the fantasy from reality. In my head it is easy to feel like I lost someone AMAZING because in his call he spoke as if his life was really coming together. He still had a good job, he just joined the guard, he's "been working out, in great shape and quit smoking and barely drinks anymore..."
I mean, the image that he paints of himself to me was just like the most perfect man. So of course, I sat here feeling so blue again that his girlfriend is so LUCKY to be with him. ......
Oh, yeah...then I think about the past.
Hey, maybe he really is doing well, and I should be happy for him for that. I really cared about him, so I don't wish him bad.
But the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior....and really the first thing he said to me before he called me was a text that said "thought you would have grown up by now....." ..... he was mad I blocked him on FB at the time.
It was only after I responded with less vile that he tried to turn his act around and all of a sudden wanted to be friends again...
So I have to think.... what has really changed?
In the pics I saw recently of him and his GF, there was a beer in front of him, and cigs on the table (granted, I don't know if they were his....her entire family is huge on drinking, and they smoke, and that's who they were with).... but all signs and if I am realistic point to the fact that he's still drinking, and even if he is "controlling" it now, alcoholics don't control it for long. Bottom line...he is still drinking.
It's like he pretends to be someone else when he's talking to me....
But he's actually more of himself when he's with his GF, and that's one of the reaons why he's with her, because he can be himself with her.
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Join Date: May 2010
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Oh, Kitty, I could have written every word. We find ourselves missing the fantasy and forgetting the reality, hoping to hear from them to somehow convince ourselves that we couldn't have been fooled to such great depths.
When I read the title of your thread, I was going to jump in here and say, "NO! DON'T GO THERE!" But I see that you already had, and instead what you have offered is very, very good advice. I hoped for contact at one time, got it in huge email doses, and regret it now.
No matter how badly we want to hear from them, it really is not good for us! It just fires up all the old feelings. I don't know how they do it, but they manage to find just the right words...even if they are packed with lies and empty promises...they toss them out there because they know us so well, they know the intricacies of manipulation.
I am starting to finally, finally see and accept that mine was a better liar than I ever realized. It hurts, but I've been praying for clarity...and the truth is being shown to me. I was a tool in his toolbox. He used me until my self-respect and dignity finally took over, and I said, "no more."
No contact is best. No matter how badly you want to be validated, feel "loved", or need that fix from him or her, it is just not worth the pain that it stirs up.
When I read the title of your thread, I was going to jump in here and say, "NO! DON'T GO THERE!" But I see that you already had, and instead what you have offered is very, very good advice. I hoped for contact at one time, got it in huge email doses, and regret it now.
No matter how badly we want to hear from them, it really is not good for us! It just fires up all the old feelings. I don't know how they do it, but they manage to find just the right words...even if they are packed with lies and empty promises...they toss them out there because they know us so well, they know the intricacies of manipulation.
I am starting to finally, finally see and accept that mine was a better liar than I ever realized. It hurts, but I've been praying for clarity...and the truth is being shown to me. I was a tool in his toolbox. He used me until my self-respect and dignity finally took over, and I said, "no more."
No contact is best. No matter how badly you want to be validated, feel "loved", or need that fix from him or her, it is just not worth the pain that it stirs up.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 55
All I can say is... you read my mind. Today marks seven days of no contact. I had allowed myself to get sucked back in, then in very rapid succession, I found out about a few huge lies and a bunch of little ones. I didn't seek out any of them, it was just seemingly random events that came together. One of them was incredibly painful and I've been processing it ever since.
I don't have the energy to write it all out. I wish I did. Bottom line, there are some gaps in my childhood memories that I've been trying to fill in over the past few years. Because he and I knew each other growing up, he'd been very helpful with this. One of them is pretty huge... a bad car accident I can't remember, and he was on the rescue squad. He told me all about that day, how he held me... got my blood on him... how he knew even then that he loved me. Yeah, then I found out that he wasn't even there. He made it all up. He manipulated me in one of my most vulnerable spots.
Today I called my cell phone provider and added call blocking. Now he can't call or text me. He's been blocked on Skype and Facebook. Email filters have been set up so anything from him goes to trash. The only way he can get in touch with me is if he calls work, and I'm usually strongest when I'm busiest, so that should be OK. The main thing is that my personal time has been protected. My healing time.
It was pretty clear when we last spoke that I was really questioning everything, and that I didn't believe a word that was coming out of his mouth. It wasn't until after that conversation that the bomb landed. I've not told him that I'm letting go, just letting it all go... I don't feel the need to explain myself to him. I just want to get through this and I sincerely hope he has the minimal decency to just leave me alone.
I don't trust him and he's a bad friend. That's all I need to know. Now, to get on with the healing and putting some time between me and this. It's so raw right now, and I'm so exhausted.
I don't have the energy to write it all out. I wish I did. Bottom line, there are some gaps in my childhood memories that I've been trying to fill in over the past few years. Because he and I knew each other growing up, he'd been very helpful with this. One of them is pretty huge... a bad car accident I can't remember, and he was on the rescue squad. He told me all about that day, how he held me... got my blood on him... how he knew even then that he loved me. Yeah, then I found out that he wasn't even there. He made it all up. He manipulated me in one of my most vulnerable spots.
Today I called my cell phone provider and added call blocking. Now he can't call or text me. He's been blocked on Skype and Facebook. Email filters have been set up so anything from him goes to trash. The only way he can get in touch with me is if he calls work, and I'm usually strongest when I'm busiest, so that should be OK. The main thing is that my personal time has been protected. My healing time.
It was pretty clear when we last spoke that I was really questioning everything, and that I didn't believe a word that was coming out of his mouth. It wasn't until after that conversation that the bomb landed. I've not told him that I'm letting go, just letting it all go... I don't feel the need to explain myself to him. I just want to get through this and I sincerely hope he has the minimal decency to just leave me alone.
I don't trust him and he's a bad friend. That's all I need to know. Now, to get on with the healing and putting some time between me and this. It's so raw right now, and I'm so exhausted.
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KLM - first, it's so good to see you ....
Second, omg, i'm sending you huge hugs!
Wow, I am so sorry. But I am so proud and happy for you that you have come to the conclusion you have and are doing everything you can to protect yourself and help yourself heal.
I hope that writing that little bit out helped you a little....when you get the energy and you feel like posting a new thread with your story, I would do that.
I have to say that I cried a bit for the past couple of days dealing with the letting go again and such, but tonight after writing out this thread it got a little bit of the pain out and helped me once again to stay in the reality of it all.
Breathe and sleep well tonight, tomorrow is a new day, and I am always thankful that everyone is here.
Second, omg, i'm sending you huge hugs!
Wow, I am so sorry. But I am so proud and happy for you that you have come to the conclusion you have and are doing everything you can to protect yourself and help yourself heal.
I hope that writing that little bit out helped you a little....when you get the energy and you feel like posting a new thread with your story, I would do that.
I have to say that I cried a bit for the past couple of days dealing with the letting go again and such, but tonight after writing out this thread it got a little bit of the pain out and helped me once again to stay in the reality of it all.
Breathe and sleep well tonight, tomorrow is a new day, and I am always thankful that everyone is here.
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Tigger,
It's been a year since my XA went back to his ex.
So for a year I have, on some level, wished for contact.
But as each day passes, I don't wish for it like I used to.
I have been drawn to the song by the Dixie Chicks...Not Ready To Make Nice.
"Forgive, sounds good. Forget, i'm not sure I could.
They say time heals everything, i'm still waiting.
I'm through with doubt. There's nothing left for me to figure out".
Good lyrics. Time does heal everything, just a day at a time.
It's been a year since my XA went back to his ex.
So for a year I have, on some level, wished for contact.
But as each day passes, I don't wish for it like I used to.
I have been drawn to the song by the Dixie Chicks...Not Ready To Make Nice.
"Forgive, sounds good. Forget, i'm not sure I could.
They say time heals everything, i'm still waiting.
I'm through with doubt. There's nothing left for me to figure out".
Good lyrics. Time does heal everything, just a day at a time.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 218
Kitty this really resonates:
The hardest part is separating the fantasy from reality. In my head it is easy to feel like I lost someone AMAZING because in his call he spoke as if his life was really coming together. He still had a good job, he just joined the guard, he's "been working out, in great shape and quit smoking and barely drinks anymore..."
I mean, the image that he paints of himself to me was just like the most perfect man. So of course, I sat here feeling so blue again that his girlfriend is so LUCKY to be with him. ......
My ex was a mess by the time things ended and as soon as he moved on, seemed to be blissfully happy in his new relationship and making a turnaround. BUT!!!!!!! He was with someone for eight years before we got together and alcoholism (his) was her reason for the ending. First half of our relationship, he wasn't drinking (as far as I knew) and his ex, in the beginning, was extremely upset. I believed everything I was told about her being controlling and hysterical ... And he didn't -ever- take a drink in front of me - nor around friends who had known him and his ex as a couple.
That poor woman did the codie dance for eight years and finally walked away only for him to start dating someone in recovery and (as far as she - and I - knew) put the bottle down and start getting fit and focusing on his career. She moved thousands of miles away to start fresh. Within five months I had met Mr Hyde. He came clean about the secreet bingeing. He started acting like a child. He got arrested. And I took her place in the codie dance until I started making real boundaries and ... someone else took my place.
What I didn't know until near the end of the relationship was that about two months before he and I met, he had asked her for another chance and she said no. One of the things that helped me - helps me still - is that I believe she really did love him and I know that he loved her too. She gave it eight full years. I gave it one and can't imagine what shape I would be in if he hadn't hopped lilly pads. If that woman, after eight years, really didn't have any hope left - and if he, after his own eight years and losing that relationship - as well as jobs, friends, multiple DUIs and an actual spell in jail (I knew NONE of this at the start) still wasn't anywhere near bottom - then my replacement is not with Prince Charming.
I think about my predecessor looking at him, sober, in the honeymoon period with me and how much pain she must have been in. I was in the same amount of pain a short time later. And I'll bet my replacement, and her replacement, will go through the same process. I really do hope never to hear from him again - I was a space-filler and maybe even handpicked (because I'm in recovery) to beat his ex over the head with his "new lifestyle." That's a horrible realization. But this is a horrible disease.
Klm - I don't even know what to say - that is so rough and I'm so sorry that he manuipulated you that way. Some things, I think, are unforgivable. We can get over them and move on and release the resentment but I really do believe that some things are unforgivable. That has to rate up there.
The hardest part is separating the fantasy from reality. In my head it is easy to feel like I lost someone AMAZING because in his call he spoke as if his life was really coming together. He still had a good job, he just joined the guard, he's "been working out, in great shape and quit smoking and barely drinks anymore..."
I mean, the image that he paints of himself to me was just like the most perfect man. So of course, I sat here feeling so blue again that his girlfriend is so LUCKY to be with him. ......
My ex was a mess by the time things ended and as soon as he moved on, seemed to be blissfully happy in his new relationship and making a turnaround. BUT!!!!!!! He was with someone for eight years before we got together and alcoholism (his) was her reason for the ending. First half of our relationship, he wasn't drinking (as far as I knew) and his ex, in the beginning, was extremely upset. I believed everything I was told about her being controlling and hysterical ... And he didn't -ever- take a drink in front of me - nor around friends who had known him and his ex as a couple.
That poor woman did the codie dance for eight years and finally walked away only for him to start dating someone in recovery and (as far as she - and I - knew) put the bottle down and start getting fit and focusing on his career. She moved thousands of miles away to start fresh. Within five months I had met Mr Hyde. He came clean about the secreet bingeing. He started acting like a child. He got arrested. And I took her place in the codie dance until I started making real boundaries and ... someone else took my place.
What I didn't know until near the end of the relationship was that about two months before he and I met, he had asked her for another chance and she said no. One of the things that helped me - helps me still - is that I believe she really did love him and I know that he loved her too. She gave it eight full years. I gave it one and can't imagine what shape I would be in if he hadn't hopped lilly pads. If that woman, after eight years, really didn't have any hope left - and if he, after his own eight years and losing that relationship - as well as jobs, friends, multiple DUIs and an actual spell in jail (I knew NONE of this at the start) still wasn't anywhere near bottom - then my replacement is not with Prince Charming.
I think about my predecessor looking at him, sober, in the honeymoon period with me and how much pain she must have been in. I was in the same amount of pain a short time later. And I'll bet my replacement, and her replacement, will go through the same process. I really do hope never to hear from him again - I was a space-filler and maybe even handpicked (because I'm in recovery) to beat his ex over the head with his "new lifestyle." That's a horrible realization. But this is a horrible disease.
Klm - I don't even know what to say - that is so rough and I'm so sorry that he manuipulated you that way. Some things, I think, are unforgivable. We can get over them and move on and release the resentment but I really do believe that some things are unforgivable. That has to rate up there.
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What I think makes it so confusing and why we end up focusing on the fantasy is that they tend to mix in honesty with the lies. So it's hard to decipher what is what.
I know my XA was honest about certain things, about his feelings, but he was so dishonest at the same time, and he was dishonest about things when he should have been honest.
Even knowing what I know, it's difficult to imagine that he is not a good guy. And that's because of the sensitivity that he throws into the mix of doing hurtful things.
I won't forget the passive aggressive behavior either....the posting up an album of him and his gf that he used to hurt me. Would someone who was saying he was sorry really turn around and 2 weeks later post pics to hurt me really be sorry??
One phone call after i've already moved over 1000 miles away acting like he was sorry and saying things like "maybe i'm just a bad guy, I didn't want to hurt you, I don't want to hurt anyone..." does not a sincere apology make.
I'm just also left with knowing what he did to get his GF back...the lengths he would go to make her really feel as if he loved and cared about her....
So he's capable of going out of his way for others, he just doesn't do it for me.
Things that keep me in reality checks.
I know my XA was honest about certain things, about his feelings, but he was so dishonest at the same time, and he was dishonest about things when he should have been honest.
Even knowing what I know, it's difficult to imagine that he is not a good guy. And that's because of the sensitivity that he throws into the mix of doing hurtful things.
I won't forget the passive aggressive behavior either....the posting up an album of him and his gf that he used to hurt me. Would someone who was saying he was sorry really turn around and 2 weeks later post pics to hurt me really be sorry??
One phone call after i've already moved over 1000 miles away acting like he was sorry and saying things like "maybe i'm just a bad guy, I didn't want to hurt you, I don't want to hurt anyone..." does not a sincere apology make.
I'm just also left with knowing what he did to get his GF back...the lengths he would go to make her really feel as if he loved and cared about her....
So he's capable of going out of his way for others, he just doesn't do it for me.
Things that keep me in reality checks.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
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Originally Posted by Hammerhead 
My younger brother is in the Marines... he gave me a Marines t-shirt that says....
"Pain is weakness leaving the body."
I really like that saying... and is applicable in so many ways.
((hugs))
"Pain is weakness leaving the body."
I really like that saying... and is applicable in so many ways.
((hugs))
I am the daughter, grand daughter and great grand daughter to Army "lifers".
One saying in my basic training that was our motto that I remember was simple but effective.
"Always Forward"
Leave the pain behind, and keep moving forward.
Alright, I just admitted the jarheads have something to contribute.
LOL
sorry, inter service rivalry.
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Originally Posted by Kittyboo
Hammer-- my XA is a former marine, he has combat ptsd from going to war....just one of the reasons he self medicates with alcohol.
there is help available, but he has to ask.
well, you know this.
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Oh yes, he is well aware of all that is out there.
We had many conversations about it, and he was very open about it.
Unfortunately it was one of the reasons that I felt I had to walk on eggshells about how I was really feeling.... I never wanted to cause him anxiety.
He actually works for the Vet's Admin.... he told me he started therapy, but I don't believe he did. He also said he could manage it, like he could control drinking.
He seems to be doing well, but then again, I feel I never really knew who he really was. I don't know how much ptsd is actually a part of his life. He just joined the guard, and I know that in certain cases there is no way that a Vet with severe ptsd could join a branch.
I do believe that he has it.... but I also question how bad it really was.
He would tell me that he doesn't feel emotions anymore.... Ummmm, he seems to display emotions just fine to his GF.
Just everything he said leaves me with pause to actually believe.
We had many conversations about it, and he was very open about it.
Unfortunately it was one of the reasons that I felt I had to walk on eggshells about how I was really feeling.... I never wanted to cause him anxiety.
He actually works for the Vet's Admin.... he told me he started therapy, but I don't believe he did. He also said he could manage it, like he could control drinking.
He seems to be doing well, but then again, I feel I never really knew who he really was. I don't know how much ptsd is actually a part of his life. He just joined the guard, and I know that in certain cases there is no way that a Vet with severe ptsd could join a branch.
I do believe that he has it.... but I also question how bad it really was.
He would tell me that he doesn't feel emotions anymore.... Ummmm, he seems to display emotions just fine to his GF.
Just everything he said leaves me with pause to actually believe.
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When I was in therapy my counselor and I had thousands of discussions about him... of course!
I remember her telling me that she firmly felt that alcoholism was more of an issue for him than ptsd was.... I agree with her on that.
I remember her telling me that she firmly felt that alcoholism was more of an issue for him than ptsd was.... I agree with her on that.
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I have to admit.... it's the fact that he was a marine and he shared many tearful stories with me that makes me feel horrible for not keeping him in my life.
I start to think that he really does have a very caring side to him, that he himself is in a lot of pain, and how could I just cut him out of my life?...
So I tend to not focus on that part of his life. It is very important for me to focus on his treatment of me so that I don't fall into the trap of being there for him when he needs comfort. He has someone to comfort him, and he was NOT there for me when I needed him to be. He did some pretty crappy things to me.... so that's what I focus on about him.
It's self preservation I suppose.
I start to think that he really does have a very caring side to him, that he himself is in a lot of pain, and how could I just cut him out of my life?...
So I tend to not focus on that part of his life. It is very important for me to focus on his treatment of me so that I don't fall into the trap of being there for him when he needs comfort. He has someone to comfort him, and he was NOT there for me when I needed him to be. He did some pretty crappy things to me.... so that's what I focus on about him.
It's self preservation I suppose.
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