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What if alcoholism is only the beginning? Emotional issues

Old 06-29-2010, 08:06 AM
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What if alcoholism is only the beginning? Emotional issues

Oy!

I just had a thought.


Okay, I hope I am not just looking for problems. But, someone said something about covering things up.. or reasons why they drink and having to confront those issues one day.

What if he has other other emotional issues and this is just the tip of the iceburg?

What if his extreme sweetness is because he is dependent? What brought this up is he called me this morning, I was still sleeping. No big deal at all. But he was like, "I'm so sorry honey. I really hate to wake you up." I could hear genuine regret and concern in his voice.

The sun pretty much rises and sets on me, in his world.
He tells me things like he sleeps so much better when Im there.

He's a very masculine man, a man's man, but one touch from me and he pretty much turns into a puppy rolled over on his back waiting for more tummy rubs.

Ive never felt like life stops when Im not around and he cant function without me-- because he does.
Ive never felt guilted but I have felt like he is insecure a little bit. Like one day when my cell phone was dead and he hadnt heard from me he assumed something was wrong, like I was mad at him. He wasnt mad at me, he seemed relieved that nothing was wrong.

Also-- a big clue, he stayed with a woman who was a serious alcoholic for several years, who eventually died from 'unxepected' (or maybe 'sudden' is a better word) alcohol related issues. I asked him once why he stayed with her and he said, "Because I loved her.. who else was going to take care of her, I couldnt just leave her to her own."
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Old 06-29-2010, 08:15 AM
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Different people drink for different reasons. Many times, drink is used to calm nerves or other emotional issues. That doesn't mean that the person has serious mental problems; only that they never found out the correct way to deal with issues in a healthy manner.

Regarding the neediness, I too was married to a man who made me feel like the sun rose and set in my eyes. That gets old really fast. It got to the point where I couldn't even go into another room to read a book without him coming in several times asking if I was mad at him. Eventually, I was mad because he wouldn't leave me alone to read! While that might not bother some people, it nearly drove me mad. Your man sounds very clingy and insecure.

Only you can decide what you are willing to live with. Just because he stayed with someone who literally drank herself to death doesn't mean you have to, and it doesn't mean that if you don't stay, you don't care about him. You cannot save him no matter how much you may love him.
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Old 06-29-2010, 08:23 AM
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I don't think there is an alcoholic on the planet that doesn't have other emotional issues.
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Old 06-29-2010, 04:42 PM
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Alcoholics come in different forms and attitudes because the alcohol affects people differently. My XAH was for many years like yours his world revolved around me and the kids but then WHAM it just changed ..... and we became some kind of target for him to lash out at. Remember always that this is a very progressive disease that can never be underestimated. His target was mainly the kids and then me...thats when my relationship ended with him....
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Old 06-29-2010, 04:54 PM
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I think you are getting way ahead of yourself.

You haven't even talked to him yet.

When you go to bed tonight, can you say you lived your life to the fullest today?

...or

When you go to bed tonight, will you realize you spent a good portion of the day obsessing over this situation and future-tripping?
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Old 06-29-2010, 04:57 PM
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Alcoholics are not one dimensional, no more than the rest of us sober people are. We as humans are very complex, we are both needy and need to be needed.

If we codies try to over analyze our relationships all we do is frustrate ourselves and overlook the real issue---alcoholism.
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Old 06-29-2010, 05:46 PM
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I have really been paying close attention to your threads.

What has you on the edge? What is it that you are looking for? What throws you off about him and you just can't put your finger on it?
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Old 06-29-2010, 08:40 PM
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I wondered also Incognito. I get a sense that there may be more to all of this?
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Old 06-29-2010, 10:23 PM
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Originally Posted by canuckch View Post
I have really been paying close attention to your threads.

What has you on the edge? What is it that you are looking for? What throws you off about him and you just can't put your finger on it?

A very very close friend of mine asked me the same question. We discussed this.

Honestly, I have no better answer than "That he's perfect" Does that equal 'to good to be true'? I do not know.

Perhaps it's my own issue or perhaps I have a gut feeling I dont even recognize.

But I'll tell you what I know of me. and him.

Im an eagle eyeing jaded 39 year old single mom, who has been around the block a few times (Ive never dealt with addicts before but Ive dealt with pathological liars and lazy bums). I also dont think Im known for 'extraordinary meek niceness' Im as b!tchy as any woman. Meaning, if I seen faults in him I would surely say them. Not only that I think I am intellectually and common sense wise intelligent. I have a bachelors degree worth of education in social work/ psychology/ PEOPLE.


Him-- I know faults he has told me of, from his past. I never EEEEEEEEEVER experience them. Why? Why do I see nothing wrong with this man aside from his beer drinking? Yes, I know I dont want my kids to see that. But that aside, (well.. not really aside..) he is the most perfect sweetest man I have ever met. I almost dont trust it. Maybe thats a gut feeling. Do I feel led on? No. Why not? Maybe I should. I have looked for it. I dont see it. Is he feeding me lines? Speaking from a script? Saying things and doing things he knows women want to hear? How would I know? I never see it falter. I never hear something 'after a few beers' and have it change the next day. I never hear "a drunk truth" and think 'oh my'.

Is there something I cant put my finger on? Im not even sure. But its been something brought up by me and talked about to in-real-life friends.

Im not an unintelligent bimbo...yet... I'm not a particularly good 'catch'. Maybe thats me speaking through low self-esteem? I dont think I have really low self-esteem.. Im fairly strong and able. I think I'm being 'real' by saying that.

But, Im a mom of 3. Im unemployed right now. (But I have child support income). Im a student. Im average looking. Im chubby.

He is pretty decent looking. Has a good secure job. Owns a nice house. Nice stuff, nice vehicles, semi classy, well spoken, sweet, kind..

Is it the unbalance of who's a 'catch' or not? I dont know..

I have checked his criminal record. Because my state posts that online, and it's easy to check. He has very minimal stuff. I mean.. he's not a closet psycho or abuser or anything..


My only 'cant put my finger on it' feeling that I can think up is... why is he so perfect... yet he's an alcoholic. He's told me plenty about his past and how he WASNT perfect.. but he seems to be someone who has really learned through past mistakes (no Im not avoiding that he hasnt set down the beer) and has become good.

I have thought and thought.. yet, I do not see signs of being tricked. He isnt overboard and fakey. He's just.. kind and good hearted.

In my 39 years I have seen men talk themselves up... he doesnt do this. Or try to act like they are something they arent.. he doesnt do this. Say one thing and do another.. he doesnt do this.

Ive looked hard at him, because Im wondering (at my old age, ya know lol) if this is really it. Someone who is a good match. If Im settling again. How crazy I am for not confronting the alcohol issue yet.


What else do you see that Im missing? Im open for ideas.

Im not desperate for someone/ anyone. I can make it on my own (I have for years and still do) and I can semi easily find people to date if I want, I always have been able to.
I dont feel old and washed up and like this is my last chance.
I dont feel like he has something I cant get by myself.

I just feel like he's very very good. Yet he is an alcoholic. That clashes in my mind. That is my uneasy feeling.
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Old 06-29-2010, 11:23 PM
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Looking back over my 20+ year relationship with an alcoholic, I'm pretty sure I would not change anything about him, even if I had the power to. Our marriage was what you describe as perfect for probably the first five years. It was not too bad the first ten years. In the last 5-10 years, it became incredibly painful. I'm not convinced that this is entirely attributable to his progression. I'm fairly certain it had as much to do with my changing as it had to to with his.

If I could change anything about it all, it would be my awareness. I was slow to become aware of me, my issues, my dynamic in all of this. I slowly lost myself and became someone I didn't like very much. I don't think that it is his fault. I knew what I was dealing with, but I figured I could change it to suit me. That was my biggest miscalculation. I wish I would have realized sooner that my path was diverging from his and there was really nothing I could do to get him back in line with me.

Granted, my situation is different from yours in that I met him when I was 24 and I 'grew out of him.' I just wish I would have honored my inner self and listened to what my soul was telling me before things got so bad.

I don't know if that helps in any way, but maybe someone will get something out of it.

L
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Old 06-30-2010, 03:35 AM
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Assuming this guy really is an alcoholic ....

Originally Posted by Thumper View Post
I don't think there is an alcoholic on the planet that doesn't have other emotional issues.
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Old 06-30-2010, 05:06 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Thumper. ((I don't think there is an alcoholic on the planet that doesn't have other emotional issues.))

I sometimes think there is a "chicken versus egg" involved a lot of the time, in that to try and see if the emotional issues were there before the alcoholism, or the alcohol use caused emotional issues. Frankly I guess the answer could be "both are correct".

Frankly after the past years of cr*p from late XAH and now RABF, still sober and doing fine....so far...I am past caring about someone else's issues or drinking anymore. If I have either pop back up in my face, I will be off and running as far away from them as I can.

So if you see a tubby little greyhaired lady, with walking stick under her arm, and going like a steam train....It could easily be me.

God bless
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Old 06-30-2010, 06:01 AM
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I have a bachelors degree worth of education in social work/ psychology/ PEOPLE.

Hi Incognito. With your educational background I'd think you'd understand that it's at least unreliable, if not impossible, to "diagnose" or evaluate someone until they've been drug free for weeks if not months.

I suspect that you'd notice some personality changes if he actually went abstinent for a month or three.

blessings
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Old 06-30-2010, 08:56 AM
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There is no human walking this earth that doesnt have emotional issues. We're emotional beings.
Addicts are don't have the exclusive rights to emotional issues.
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Old 06-30-2010, 10:21 AM
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Originally Posted by Summerpeach View Post
There is no human walking this earth that doesnt have emotional issues. We're emotional beings.
Addicts are don't have the exclusive rights to emotional issues.
Thank you for pointing this out!
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Old 06-30-2010, 10:27 AM
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Originally Posted by incognito70 View Post
. Not only that I think I am intellectually and common sense wise intelligent. I have a bachelors degree worth of education in social work/ psychology/ PEOPLE.
I'm a very intelligent woman. That being said, my intelligence was not an asset when I first came into recovery. I was almost too smart to stay sober.

I was also too smart to get involved in a dysfunctional relationship. It took me 13 years to figure out that is what I did, more than once.

I lived in my head a lot.

Today that intelligence is an asset because I'm using it for better things, not as a defense in order to avoid feelings.

It's so much nicer not living in my head.
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Old 06-30-2010, 10:41 AM
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Originally Posted by Freedom1990 View Post
Thank you for pointing this out!
anytime
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