Need some quick advice!
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Burlington, VT.
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Need some quick advice!
Hi 
Someone from the alcohol section suggested I post here, so I am going to re-post what I wrote there and hope to get some sound advice!
I am writing because I am about to leave behind my addiction (toxic relationships) for the very first time in my life, which involves leaving my recent partner (a binge alcoholic, former addict, food binger, relationship addict, etc) and our home. I will be moving to another state, back where I had gone for school.
We will be 8 hours away. My question for those who have been in recovery, or simply possess knowledge on the issue is, should my recent partner and I (we have decided to break it off when I leave) still attempt to be friends? She has stated she wants to be friends and "build a friendship," but she is not in recovery (namely for alcohol), and doesn't think she has a problem. At the very least, she is not willing to admit she has a problem.
...This has caused me a lot of pain, and is part of the reason I am leaving; in addition to the fact that I see I have a problem myself -- attracting unavailable partners and toxic relationships.
My question (reason I am writing) is... when I leave here this weekend, do I cut off contact from her? What is your personal experience with this? ie, should two addicts not talk for "X" amount of time? The other thing I thought about was cutting off contact and telling her not to contact me until she seeks help, ie: goes to AA? Would it be fair of me to say this? ie, is this stating a boundary? ie, "I desire to not be contacted until you have made an active commitment to recovery."
I will be going to Alanon, and though I do not drink at all, I may go to AA just because it's more about having a problem (which I feel I do, with relationships) than Alanon, which often just believes people "care too much." I identify my "caring too much" as an addiction... paralleling drug and alcohol addiction.
At any rate, what would someone with years of experience in recovery say to someone who is in my situation?
Feel free to ask any clarifying questions. Thanks!
Someone from the alcohol section suggested I post here, so I am going to re-post what I wrote there and hope to get some sound advice!I am writing because I am about to leave behind my addiction (toxic relationships) for the very first time in my life, which involves leaving my recent partner (a binge alcoholic, former addict, food binger, relationship addict, etc) and our home. I will be moving to another state, back where I had gone for school.
We will be 8 hours away. My question for those who have been in recovery, or simply possess knowledge on the issue is, should my recent partner and I (we have decided to break it off when I leave) still attempt to be friends? She has stated she wants to be friends and "build a friendship," but she is not in recovery (namely for alcohol), and doesn't think she has a problem. At the very least, she is not willing to admit she has a problem.
...This has caused me a lot of pain, and is part of the reason I am leaving; in addition to the fact that I see I have a problem myself -- attracting unavailable partners and toxic relationships.
My question (reason I am writing) is... when I leave here this weekend, do I cut off contact from her? What is your personal experience with this? ie, should two addicts not talk for "X" amount of time? The other thing I thought about was cutting off contact and telling her not to contact me until she seeks help, ie: goes to AA? Would it be fair of me to say this? ie, is this stating a boundary? ie, "I desire to not be contacted until you have made an active commitment to recovery."
I will be going to Alanon, and though I do not drink at all, I may go to AA just because it's more about having a problem (which I feel I do, with relationships) than Alanon, which often just believes people "care too much." I identify my "caring too much" as an addiction... paralleling drug and alcohol addiction.
At any rate, what would someone with years of experience in recovery say to someone who is in my situation?
Feel free to ask any clarifying questions. Thanks!
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
It was painful for me when I finally realized that the common denominator in all my failed marriages and relationships was me.
When I moved away from the then psychotic and abusive AH, the problem was I was the first one to get there, and there I was again with me!
I had no business engaging with toxic people once I made a commitment to my own recovery and becoming a healthier person.
That's my personal experience.
When I moved away from the then psychotic and abusive AH, the problem was I was the first one to get there, and there I was again with me!
I had no business engaging with toxic people once I made a commitment to my own recovery and becoming a healthier person.
That's my personal experience.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
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Not2BForgot10,
If it were me, I would do my best to go no contact as much as possible, for as long as possible.
That is great that you are going to go to Al-Anon!!!
Yes, I think it is entirely fair of you to set the boundary that you do not want to speak with her unless she is in Recovery.
If it were me, I would do my best to go no contact as much as possible, for as long as possible.
That is great that you are going to go to Al-Anon!!!
Yes, I think it is entirely fair of you to set the boundary that you do not want to speak with her unless she is in Recovery.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
To me, all I could do was not contact. I had tried everything else, and, nothing worked. For my sanity, for my well being all I could do is walk away and move forward with my life.
You should set your bounderies, and stick to them. Say what you mean, and mean what you say.
You should set your bounderies, and stick to them. Say what you mean, and mean what you say.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Burlington, VT.
Posts: 30
Freedom-
Ugh, I feel so guilty though when I think about declining her offer to be friends... like, it hurts me, too because I have not grieved it... I think that we are both emotionally underdeveloped or something.
At any rate, and I said this in my recovery blog... I am afraid that she will think I do not care. What if she self-abuses even worse because I am not "there" in her life? The only reason I say this, well, 1. is because of my fear, but 2. because she has told me that if it wasn't for me she would have not graduated college, etc.
I guess in many ways I feel responsible for her happiness even though I know I am not. At any rate, I do not want her to think I am this cold, cruel person. Okay, so if I should decide to follow your advice and not talk to her because I am desiring to live a healthier life, should there, or will there be a point (an opportunity) where I might later down the road?
I mean, even healthy people talk to "unhealthy" people, right? Even if she's not unhealthy, ie: say she decides to do recovery... then I could talk to her? So maybe I can say to her the whole, "I do not want to talk to one another until you have been in recovery for at least 6 months?" Would that be more appropriate?
Ugh, I feel so guilty though when I think about declining her offer to be friends... like, it hurts me, too because I have not grieved it... I think that we are both emotionally underdeveloped or something.
At any rate, and I said this in my recovery blog... I am afraid that she will think I do not care. What if she self-abuses even worse because I am not "there" in her life? The only reason I say this, well, 1. is because of my fear, but 2. because she has told me that if it wasn't for me she would have not graduated college, etc.
I guess in many ways I feel responsible for her happiness even though I know I am not. At any rate, I do not want her to think I am this cold, cruel person. Okay, so if I should decide to follow your advice and not talk to her because I am desiring to live a healthier life, should there, or will there be a point (an opportunity) where I might later down the road?
I mean, even healthy people talk to "unhealthy" people, right? Even if she's not unhealthy, ie: say she decides to do recovery... then I could talk to her? So maybe I can say to her the whole, "I do not want to talk to one another until you have been in recovery for at least 6 months?" Would that be more appropriate?
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
I found that the point of moving on was to actually move on.
You have to be really honest with yourself about your reasons for keeping in contact.
You have already stated that certain things about your relationship have caused you a lot of pain...
well, if you stay in contact you can expect that pain to follow you.
I thought that I could be "friends" with my XA after everything. No, it's not possible, nor is it healthy, at least for me. If you are in contact, no matter if you are putting a "friends" label on it, you are keeping a connection to someone who has brought you pain. And if you need to work on yourself and really address why you keep attracting unavailable partners and toxic relationships....well, if you keep contact with a toxic person, don't expect to really heal any time soon.
It sounds as if you both have your own recovery paths to follow at this time, and you both need to focus on your own recovery. It seems you know what you want to do, so I would just focus on that, and leave her to own path and go no contact.
One day when you are both in a healthy place, then you can revisit your relationship/friendship.... as for right now, it's not for your greater good. JMHO.
You have to be really honest with yourself about your reasons for keeping in contact.
You have already stated that certain things about your relationship have caused you a lot of pain...
well, if you stay in contact you can expect that pain to follow you.
I thought that I could be "friends" with my XA after everything. No, it's not possible, nor is it healthy, at least for me. If you are in contact, no matter if you are putting a "friends" label on it, you are keeping a connection to someone who has brought you pain. And if you need to work on yourself and really address why you keep attracting unavailable partners and toxic relationships....well, if you keep contact with a toxic person, don't expect to really heal any time soon.
It sounds as if you both have your own recovery paths to follow at this time, and you both need to focus on your own recovery. It seems you know what you want to do, so I would just focus on that, and leave her to own path and go no contact.
One day when you are both in a healthy place, then you can revisit your relationship/friendship.... as for right now, it's not for your greater good. JMHO.
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Learn-
She has always said I am the "best" (relationship, friend, etc), and I am afraid to let her down. I hear what you, and everyone else is saying, but I am truly afraid that she will see me differently and then her actions will change, ie: she will no longer want (need) me in ANY way.
I guess (I am realizing) I desire to be needed, and thus far I have done a good job, and I just don't want to be replaced...
I realize that I am going into recovery for myself, but it is really painful for me to break off the opportunity to build a relationship when we completely bypassed that step very early on in our relationship (2 years ago). She keeps telling me this is our "chance to start new," etc.
I mean, even saying we can talk in 6 months if she's in recovery is a huge step for me... versus not at all, but I am certainly open to the not at all thing. I just want to be gentle with her, and as fair as possible... I do not want her to think I don't care, and her mind tends to think in black and white.
She has always said I am the "best" (relationship, friend, etc), and I am afraid to let her down. I hear what you, and everyone else is saying, but I am truly afraid that she will see me differently and then her actions will change, ie: she will no longer want (need) me in ANY way.
I guess (I am realizing) I desire to be needed, and thus far I have done a good job, and I just don't want to be replaced...
I realize that I am going into recovery for myself, but it is really painful for me to break off the opportunity to build a relationship when we completely bypassed that step very early on in our relationship (2 years ago). She keeps telling me this is our "chance to start new," etc.
I mean, even saying we can talk in 6 months if she's in recovery is a huge step for me... versus not at all, but I am certainly open to the not at all thing. I just want to be gentle with her, and as fair as possible... I do not want her to think I don't care, and her mind tends to think in black and white.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
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Originally Posted by Not2bforgot10 
I mean, even healthy people talk to "unhealthy" people, right? Even if she's not unhealthy, ie: say she decides to do recovery... then I could talk to her? So maybe I can say to her the whole, "I do not want to talk to one another until you have been in recovery for at least 6 months?" Would that be more appropriate?
I have a 32 year old daughter active in addictions, and she's not welcome in my home until she has a minimum of 2 years recovery under her belt.
I just flat out don't care to have interaction with unhealthy people if it can be avoided.
I worked too hard to get to where I am, and I like where I'm at today.
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
Hello and welcome here...you can care for people from a distance hunny...it doesnt mean that we dont care about them but for now and for YOUR own recovery - no contact is the best way until you have developed and grown in your own recovery process. In any recovery program the first thing that is taught is that the addict must have no contact with all of their friends and people that they hung with while in the toxic relationship and the reason for this is because you will be on whats known as a slippery slope for a long time....old behaviors are hard to shake and only time and fortitude will change it. So for now just let her know that you will always care about her and will contact her sometime in the future after you have gotten your head together and have some time to yourself. If she doesnt understand this then she is on her own because for now its not about her its about YOU.....and don't let anyone stand in the way of that okay.
Janitw
Janitw
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
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You are not that powerful to control what she does, and when she does it.
If she decides to drink more, that is what she is going to do, whether you are there in her life or not. It is soley her decision.
When and if she decides to seek recovery, she will do it whether you talk to her or not.
We codies believe that we can change another, that our input soley is the reason they make some positive movements in their life, yes, we saved them! Not so, we just don't have that power.
I would admit, it is good for our ego to believe that, but, it just isn't true, we are fooling ourselves.
If you really want to help her, let her go, no contact, allow her the dignity to reach her bottom.
If she decides to drink more, that is what she is going to do, whether you are there in her life or not. It is soley her decision.
When and if she decides to seek recovery, she will do it whether you talk to her or not.
We codies believe that we can change another, that our input soley is the reason they make some positive movements in their life, yes, we saved them! Not so, we just don't have that power.
I would admit, it is good for our ego to believe that, but, it just isn't true, we are fooling ourselves.
If you really want to help her, let her go, no contact, allow her the dignity to reach her bottom.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
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Kitty-
Yeah, my reasons for staying in contact would be because I feel some weird sense of failure/guilt for the relationship not working out... and I blame it on not being friends first. And while I wanted (and tried) to be friends first, she did not (she rushed into things), and I succumb. At any rate, yes, it would be to attempt to "mend" things because I cannot stand feeling a sense of failure, and in many ways, I still want to be regarded as the "best," or thought of highly.
I hope that doesn't sound egotistic... but it makes me feel good to know that she trusted and loved me... or at least that's what she said, so I should believe it. Yes, even though her actions showed otherwise... I guess that's addiction, huh?
Anyway, I still want to be thought of highly and respected, and I want her to know she can come to me any time if she is honest with herself (and me) and fair. To be honest, as I'm writing this I realize I have a major need to be needed... this (things) need to change.
I cannot repeat enough though I just do not want her to think I do not care, and I know that we have had issues in the past where if I set a boundary, she will manipulative, push, and see me as "uncaring."
As far as the relationship causing me pain... yes, it has... very much, so with that being said, I should most definitely not talk to her unless she's in recovery... but even then... maybe I should say if she's in recovery in 6 months, or if she's "been" in recovery for at least 6 months. At any rate, I think that you have a point with the whole if she's "caused me pain" before. The key is a Commitment to recovery.
I feel like I am one step closer now thanks to you guys, but now it's the whole talk to her again if she's in recovery or don't talk to her at all... She will likely tell me that I am setting an "ultimatum" with her and say that's unfair, etc. etc. and go and tell people that I'm being "controlling" (she likes to use this word). She equates boundaries with control. I assume this is common with addicts? There's this resentment/entitlement issue with her.
Yeah, my reasons for staying in contact would be because I feel some weird sense of failure/guilt for the relationship not working out... and I blame it on not being friends first. And while I wanted (and tried) to be friends first, she did not (she rushed into things), and I succumb. At any rate, yes, it would be to attempt to "mend" things because I cannot stand feeling a sense of failure, and in many ways, I still want to be regarded as the "best," or thought of highly.
I hope that doesn't sound egotistic... but it makes me feel good to know that she trusted and loved me... or at least that's what she said, so I should believe it. Yes, even though her actions showed otherwise... I guess that's addiction, huh?
Anyway, I still want to be thought of highly and respected, and I want her to know she can come to me any time if she is honest with herself (and me) and fair. To be honest, as I'm writing this I realize I have a major need to be needed... this (things) need to change.
I cannot repeat enough though I just do not want her to think I do not care, and I know that we have had issues in the past where if I set a boundary, she will manipulative, push, and see me as "uncaring."
As far as the relationship causing me pain... yes, it has... very much, so with that being said, I should most definitely not talk to her unless she's in recovery... but even then... maybe I should say if she's in recovery in 6 months, or if she's "been" in recovery for at least 6 months. At any rate, I think that you have a point with the whole if she's "caused me pain" before. The key is a Commitment to recovery.
I feel like I am one step closer now thanks to you guys, but now it's the whole talk to her again if she's in recovery or don't talk to her at all... She will likely tell me that I am setting an "ultimatum" with her and say that's unfair, etc. etc. and go and tell people that I'm being "controlling" (she likes to use this word). She equates boundaries with control. I assume this is common with addicts? There's this resentment/entitlement issue with her.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
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Originally Posted by Not2bforgot10
Anyway, I still want to be thought of highly and respected, and I want her to know she can come to me any time if she is honest with herself (and me) and fair.
Rather we look for that outside 'fix' to those issues with our unhealthy partners, no?
We are also just as dishonest with ourselves as the active addict/alcoholic is with himself/herself.
We live in a dream world. We convince ourselves he/she needs us.
I'm so incredibly grateful that I don't live like that anymore.
Today my worth comes from within.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
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Originally Posted by Janitw
Hello and welcome here...you can care for people from a distance hunny...it doesnt mean that we dont care about them but for now and for YOUR own recovery - no contact is the best way until you have developed and grown in your own recovery process. In any recovery program the first thing that is taught is that the addict must have no contact with all of their friends and people that they hung with while in the toxic relationship and the reason for this is because you will be on whats known as a slippery slope for a long time....old behaviors are hard to shake and only time and fortitude will change it. So for now just let her know that you will always care about her and will contact her sometime in the future after you have gotten your head together and have some time to yourself. If she doesnt understand this then she is on her own because for now its not about her its about YOU.....and don't let anyone stand in the way of that okay.
Janitw
Janitw
Okay, so what if I do this (refrain from contact) and then after say 3 months or so I have MAJOR withdraw? Is this normal? I mean, think of my "relationship" addiction, ie: codependence like an alcohol or drug addiction. It is truly no different. At any rate, what happens after the 3 months when I am fiening for a "hit?" ie, to talk to her and see how she's doing, or I start obsessing about (wondering) whether she's with someone new, wondering if she's in recovery, wondering if she's slipped, etc. What would a sponsor in AA or NA for instance tell someone in this case? And I guess the question is... is it normal? ...meaning expected? ie, should I not judge myself for it? And yes, I know I'm future-tripping here, but I am trying to prepare myself, as I am very nervous for this new chapter of my life... I have never made this kind of decision before.
In terms of "So for now just let her know that you will always care about her and will contact her sometime in the future after you have gotten your head together and have some time to yourself. If she doesnt understand this then she is on her own because for now its not about her its about YOU.....and don't let anyone stand in the way of that okay." I am afraid she is going to see this as the ultimate betrayal. I am afraid she doesn't have the maturity to understand it, and will act (re-act, rather) on an emotional level (she's also ACOA). Again, I know I am not responsible for this immature reaction, but what if I lose a potentially good future friend?
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Originally Posted by dollydo
You are not that powerful to control what she does, and when she does it.
If she decides to drink more, that is what she is going to do, whether you are there in her life or not. It is soley her decision.
When and if she decides to seek recovery, she will do it whether you talk to her or not.
We codies believe that we can change another, that our input soley is the reason they make some positive movements in their life, yes, we saved them! Not so, we just don't have that power.
I would admit, it is good for our ego to believe that, but, it just isn't true, we are fooling ourselves.
If you really want to help her, let her go, no contact, allow her the dignity to reach her bottom.
If she decides to drink more, that is what she is going to do, whether you are there in her life or not. It is soley her decision.
When and if she decides to seek recovery, she will do it whether you talk to her or not.
We codies believe that we can change another, that our input soley is the reason they make some positive movements in their life, yes, we saved them! Not so, we just don't have that power.
I would admit, it is good for our ego to believe that, but, it just isn't true, we are fooling ourselves.
If you really want to help her, let her go, no contact, allow her the dignity to reach her bottom.
Thank you. This is good advice.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
It's hard, it's really hard...we all most definitely understand that.
My XA contacted me a couple of weeks ago. I waited almost a year for that moment. The previous year was one of the most difficult of my life. I did nothing but work on myself and get past so much of the pain.
In this call he apologized for the pain he caused me. And though I want so much to be able to put it all behind me and be friends, I absolutely cannot forget about the way he treated me.
He is still with his girlfriend (the one he went back to after I moved to be close to him)
When I realized that I still have hope that he has changed and there is that part of me that loves him, I also realized that I cannot have him in my life. It brings way too much pain. Pain that I don't need.
With him in my life I would not be allowing myself to really move on.
I too did not want for him to think that I didn't care about him. It's just the opposite. But at the same time, it doesn't matter what he thinks. I know the reasons why I cannot have him in my life, I know that it is not healthy for me. And one of traits of making healthy choices is when you make them because you know it is what is best for you.
And you make that choice in a responsible way, in a respectful way.
How she chooses to react to your choice is completely all her. It has nothing to do with you.
We all want to be highly respected and thought well of. What I have found that matters is not what other people think of you, it's what you think of yourself. Your reasons for maintaining contact with her sound completely ego driven. Not trying to be harsh there, just an observation.
Give yourself some breathing space. And for a moment don't ask how she is going to feel if you go no contact, ask how you are going to feel if you stay in contact.
My XA contacted me a couple of weeks ago. I waited almost a year for that moment. The previous year was one of the most difficult of my life. I did nothing but work on myself and get past so much of the pain.
In this call he apologized for the pain he caused me. And though I want so much to be able to put it all behind me and be friends, I absolutely cannot forget about the way he treated me.
He is still with his girlfriend (the one he went back to after I moved to be close to him)
When I realized that I still have hope that he has changed and there is that part of me that loves him, I also realized that I cannot have him in my life. It brings way too much pain. Pain that I don't need.
With him in my life I would not be allowing myself to really move on.
I too did not want for him to think that I didn't care about him. It's just the opposite. But at the same time, it doesn't matter what he thinks. I know the reasons why I cannot have him in my life, I know that it is not healthy for me. And one of traits of making healthy choices is when you make them because you know it is what is best for you.
And you make that choice in a responsible way, in a respectful way.
How she chooses to react to your choice is completely all her. It has nothing to do with you.
We all want to be highly respected and thought well of. What I have found that matters is not what other people think of you, it's what you think of yourself. Your reasons for maintaining contact with her sound completely ego driven. Not trying to be harsh there, just an observation.
Give yourself some breathing space. And for a moment don't ask how she is going to feel if you go no contact, ask how you are going to feel if you stay in contact.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Little Rock, Arkansas
Posts: 161
Hey Not,
I was friends with my XAGF for 18+ years before we started a relationship. She got sober in rehab for 6 months and relapsed, she went back and had another 6 months and relapsed. I told her it would be best if she and I had no contact for the summer. The next evening she drank at the rehab and got kicked out, she is now living with her next victim.
It doesn't matter in the addiction of alcohol whether you were friends or not, it is an addiction and until she decides that she is ready to face her addiction, then I will have no further contact with her. I am working on myself and realizing my own addiction which was her. Yes it hurts to break it off, but that is the first step in a road to recovery for you.
If I choose to make contact with her, it will only be after I have reached a point in my recovery, where I know that the addiciton will not pull me down again.
I was friends with my XAGF for 18+ years before we started a relationship. She got sober in rehab for 6 months and relapsed, she went back and had another 6 months and relapsed. I told her it would be best if she and I had no contact for the summer. The next evening she drank at the rehab and got kicked out, she is now living with her next victim.
It doesn't matter in the addiction of alcohol whether you were friends or not, it is an addiction and until she decides that she is ready to face her addiction, then I will have no further contact with her. I am working on myself and realizing my own addiction which was her. Yes it hurts to break it off, but that is the first step in a road to recovery for you.
If I choose to make contact with her, it will only be after I have reached a point in my recovery, where I know that the addiciton will not pull me down again.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
We codies have a bad habit of not setting an ultimatium for us, for our recovery.
Most likely you have tried to control her...How has that worked for you and how has that helped her get into recovery?
Bounderies are set to protect yourself, not to control someone else. She is good, does know how to play you!
To me, you are letting your ego interfer with your common sense.
Most likely you have tried to control her...How has that worked for you and how has that helped her get into recovery?
Bounderies are set to protect yourself, not to control someone else. She is good, does know how to play you!
To me, you are letting your ego interfer with your common sense.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Burlington, VT.
Posts: 30
Originally Posted by Freedom1990
The ironic things about those statements is that while we are engaged in active codependency and toxic relationships, we have no respect for ourselves, nor do we think highly of ourselves.
Rather we look for that outside 'fix' to those issues with our unhealthy partners, no?
We are also just as dishonest with ourselves as the active addict/alcoholic is with himself/herself.
We live in a dream world. We convince ourselves he/she needs us.
I'm so incredibly grateful that I don't live like that anymore.
Today my worth comes from within.
Rather we look for that outside 'fix' to those issues with our unhealthy partners, no?
We are also just as dishonest with ourselves as the active addict/alcoholic is with himself/herself.
We live in a dream world. We convince ourselves he/she needs us.
I'm so incredibly grateful that I don't live like that anymore.
Today my worth comes from within.
Can I ask you, do you find Alanon helpful? I mean, do you think all of the 12-step programs will help us find worth from within?I am also curious if I would find AA helpful. I do not drink at all, but I heard it has a great foundation, and I am a little more than codependent I feel, in that I am more like a monogomous relationship addict... meaning, I am like a love addict but not that extreme. And no, I am not a sex addict at all. LOL, I hope that wasn't too confusing :P
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
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How about "I do not want to talk to one another until I have been in recovery for at least 6 months"? Try to turn it around so that you are communicating what you need to do for your self.
No contact with the alcoholic or addict is LESS about them and mostly about YOU. When you work your own program, when you gain the strength that doing so brings, you are better able to handle talking to and interacting with the alcoholic. But often, we must sever all ties with them for a while in order to get our own footing because they characteristically do things on a regular basis that catch us off guard and send us reeling. So try not to have too much anxiety about whether or not you should talk to her and for how long you should not be in contact; just take it one day at a time.
No contact with the alcoholic or addict is LESS about them and mostly about YOU. When you work your own program, when you gain the strength that doing so brings, you are better able to handle talking to and interacting with the alcoholic. But often, we must sever all ties with them for a while in order to get our own footing because they characteristically do things on a regular basis that catch us off guard and send us reeling. So try not to have too much anxiety about whether or not you should talk to her and for how long you should not be in contact; just take it one day at a time.
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