Need some quick advice!
Hey Not,
I was friends with my XAGF for 18+ years before we started a relationship. She got sober in rehab for 6 months and relapsed, she went back and had another 6 months and relapsed. I told her it would be best if she and I had no contact for the summer. The next evening she drank at the rehab and got kicked out, she is now living with her next victim.
It doesn't matter in the addiction of alcohol whether you were friends or not, it is an addiction and until she decides that she is ready to face her addiction, then I will have no further contact with her. I am working on myself and realizing my own addiction which was her. Yes it hurts to break it off, but that is the first step in a road to recovery for you.
If I choose to make contact with her, it will only be after I have reached a point in my recovery, where I know that the addiciton will not pull me down again.
I was friends with my XAGF for 18+ years before we started a relationship. She got sober in rehab for 6 months and relapsed, she went back and had another 6 months and relapsed. I told her it would be best if she and I had no contact for the summer. The next evening she drank at the rehab and got kicked out, she is now living with her next victim.
It doesn't matter in the addiction of alcohol whether you were friends or not, it is an addiction and until she decides that she is ready to face her addiction, then I will have no further contact with her. I am working on myself and realizing my own addiction which was her. Yes it hurts to break it off, but that is the first step in a road to recovery for you.
If I choose to make contact with her, it will only be after I have reached a point in my recovery, where I know that the addiciton will not pull me down again.
Does that make sense? The only thing I want is for her to get help... all I have ever wanted from her is a commitment, but she is scared of commitment, in all aspects, in the smallest sense. Terrified. She'd rather run and hide than face the "limitation" that she feels a commitment involves.
We codies have a bad habit of not setting an ultimatium for us, for our recovery.
Most likely you have tried to control her...How has that worked for you and how has that helped her get into recovery?
Bounderies are set to protect yourself, not to control someone else. She is good, does know how to play you!
To me, you are letting your ego interfer with your common sense.
Most likely you have tried to control her...How has that worked for you and how has that helped her get into recovery?
Bounderies are set to protect yourself, not to control someone else. She is good, does know how to play you!
To me, you are letting your ego interfer with your common sense.
Do you know what I'm saying?
I felt like she was the child, and I was the parent... in that she would not (and still doesn't, in any aspect of her life) hold herself accountable... she will lie, cheat, steal, etc. and find a way to justify it.
Anyway, to stay on topic... I am not sure that saying "Er, I will talk to you in 6 months if you're in recovery" is an ultimatum. Is it? I don't think "ultimatum" is the right word.
How about "I do not want to talk to one another until I have been in recovery for at least 6 months"? Try to turn it around so that you are communicating what you need to do for your self.
No contact with the alcoholic or addict is LESS about them and mostly about YOU. When you work your own program, when you gain the strength that doing so brings, you are better able to handle talking to and interacting with the alcoholic. But often, we must sever all ties with them for a while in order to get our own footing because they characteristically do things on a regular basis that catch us off guard and send us reeling. So try not to have too much anxiety about whether or not you should talk to her and for how long you should not be in contact; just take it one day at a time.
No contact with the alcoholic or addict is LESS about them and mostly about YOU. When you work your own program, when you gain the strength that doing so brings, you are better able to handle talking to and interacting with the alcoholic. But often, we must sever all ties with them for a while in order to get our own footing because they characteristically do things on a regular basis that catch us off guard and send us reeling. So try not to have too much anxiety about whether or not you should talk to her and for how long you should not be in contact; just take it one day at a time.
I hate that that's how things are, but they are and have always been... she wants me when she can't have me and when she has me and feels secure, she finds a way to sabotage this relationship. The only time she remotely looks at herself is when she feels she's made a mistake, so if I DON'T change things around like you suggested in the 1st line, she will more than likely look at her issues... meaning the perceived "rejection," or rather time apart because I took the initiative, will get her to examine things honestly.
Things are backwards with us... because she is push/pull... very ambiguous about relationships. I want her to begin to look at her behaviors and the effect that her behaviors have had on others... she sadly cannot do that unless she feels she has been in the wrong. I have been the same way before... I think a lot of people are. So yeah...
My main focus right now is trying to figure out how I am going to say this to her... and what to say. I need to decide soon because I will be moving over the weekend. I am nerve-racked, and want to get this right, meaning things to be clear-cut so that we can both heal and not pine and dwell...
Well, trying to hold an alcoholic accountable is like trying to catch a fart in the wind...just cannot be done.
I set my bounderies/ultimatiums for me, if you do this I will do this...and I will do it.
Many relationships fall into the parent/child arena, however, I have never seen one that works over the long term.
All I am trying to say is: Do what is best for you, work on your recovery, and let her work on hers, if and when both of you are healthy...then you can take another look at your relationship, as friends or whatever may evolve. Take a break to work on you.
I set my bounderies/ultimatiums for me, if you do this I will do this...and I will do it.
Many relationships fall into the parent/child arena, however, I have never seen one that works over the long term.
All I am trying to say is: Do what is best for you, work on your recovery, and let her work on hers, if and when both of you are healthy...then you can take another look at your relationship, as friends or whatever may evolve. Take a break to work on you.
Ahhh.... Ugh... Can I ask you, do you find Alanon helpful? I mean, do you think all of the 12-step programs will help us find worth from within?
I am also curious if I would find AA helpful. I do not drink at all, but I heard it has a great foundation, and I am a little more than codependent I feel, in that I am more like a monogomous relationship addict... meaning, I am like a love addict but not that extreme. And no, I am not a sex addict at all. LOL, I hope that wasn't too confusing :P
I am also curious if I would find AA helpful. I do not drink at all, but I heard it has a great foundation, and I am a little more than codependent I feel, in that I am more like a monogomous relationship addict... meaning, I am like a love addict but not that extreme. And no, I am not a sex addict at all. LOL, I hope that wasn't too confusing :P
I find Alanon extremely helpful. It's also a bonus that my AA sponsor is also black-belt Alanon. Our Alanon meeting folded over 20 years ago, but I practice the principles in all my affairs.
It's been through God's grace and 12-step programs that I have found true recovery in my life.
I hit my codependent bottom in 1999 (years after I got clean/sober), and would you believe I haven't found it necessary to "need" a man in my life yet?
Two years ago I enrolled in college full-time at the age of 50. This December I will have completed two degrees.
I'm having the time of my life!
I'm an empty-nester now that youngest daughter moved out last September.
I have my zoo crew to keep me entertained.
I have the best circle of friends through 12-step programs.
My self-worth comes from within.
Any other perks in life are just icing on the cake!
I guess I am hoping that if I say, "Erin, I will talk to you in 6 months if you are regularly attending AA" then that will be enough of a reason for her to get help. The only reason I say this is... well, 2 reasons... 1. She said I am the "best" (partner, friend, etc. --that if it wasn't for me then she would have never graduated collage, and 2. because she will want to talk to me again, so at the very least she would go and it could open up her eyes to seeing she might have a problem...
Does that make sense? The only thing I want is for her to get help... all I have ever wanted from her is a commitment, but she is scared of commitment, in all aspects, in the smallest sense. Terrified. She'd rather run and hide than face the "limitation" that she feels a commitment involves.
Does that make sense? The only thing I want is for her to get help... all I have ever wanted from her is a commitment, but she is scared of commitment, in all aspects, in the smallest sense. Terrified. She'd rather run and hide than face the "limitation" that she feels a commitment involves.
JK :P
Anyway, yeah... I guess I can try and keep a positive focus, but I am just going to need a lot of support for when I make this move and am all alone. I only know one person where I am moving to... well, a couple, but only one that is remotely healthy lol
Yeah
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
You will both have times of relapse this is normal so if it happens don't beat yourself up over it - rather learn by it....she has her addiction and YOU have her as yours...welcome to codependancy... but we do overcome in the end of it all and eventually get into healthy relationships...and life is good again. Believe it or not sweetie we actually become addicted not only to our loved ones but also to the chaotic lifestyle that we lived in....right after we leave and are on our own life seems so boring in the beginning then after a good year or two we have a realization that -hey so this is how calm and serene life is supposed to be...which we call our "Ah Ha" moment of clarity...lol
Hang in there - stand tall and strong
Janitw
Hang in there - stand tall and strong
Janitw
Ah, yeah, you're right. It's still sad though because I feel like I am losing a part of myself... I guess that's what happens when you don't have a very well-developed sense of self to begin with Gotta build that up! ...like a muscle ,*Rawr*
JK :P
Anyway, yeah... I guess I can try and keep a positive focus, but I am just going to need a lot of support for when I make this move and am all alone. I only know one person where I am moving to... well, a couple, but only one that is remotely healthy lol
Yeah
JK :P
Anyway, yeah... I guess I can try and keep a positive focus, but I am just going to need a lot of support for when I make this move and am all alone. I only know one person where I am moving to... well, a couple, but only one that is remotely healthy lol
Yeah
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)