Not2bforgot10

I guess I am hoping that if I say, "Erin, I will talk to you in 6 months if you are regularly attending AA" then that will be enough of a reason for her to get help. The only reason I say this is... well, 2 reasons... 1. She said I am the "best" (partner, friend, etc. --that if it wasn't for me then she would have never graduated collage, and 2. because she will want to talk to me again, so at the very least she would go and it could open up her eyes to seeing she might have a problem...

Does that make sense? The only thing I want is for her to get help... all I have ever wanted from her is a commitment, but she is scared of commitment, in all aspects, in the smallest sense. Terrified. She'd rather run and hide than face the "limitation" that she feels a commitment involves.

Not2bforgot10

Well, I didn't know that "controlling" someone was expecting them to be courteous and call you when it gets late and they're out at the bar drinking. Moreover, I did not know (and still don't know) if "control" is asking someone to be home when they say. Is this control? You stated boundaries are meant to protect you, but what about the above? ie, holding someone accountable for being home on time if they walk all over you and push boundaries?

Do you know what I'm saying?

I felt like she was the child, and I was the parent... in that she would not (and still doesn't, in any aspect of her life) hold herself accountable... she will lie, cheat, steal, etc. and find a way to justify it.

Anyway, to stay on topic... I am not sure that saying "Er, I will talk to you in 6 months if you're in recovery" is an ultimatum. Is it? I don't think "ultimatum" is the right word.

Not2bforgot10

I can do this, but then she won't come chasing me... and she will have an attitude like, "Ooh, her loss." Does that make sense? Literally, this person is only attracted to the chase, so if I say I want to do something for myself she will not see it in any way as her error, when in reality it is partially her error in that I am leaving because I cannot tolerate the abuse... the toxicity.

I hate that that's how things are, but they are and have always been... she wants me when she can't have me and when she has me and feels secure, she finds a way to sabotage this relationship. The only time she remotely looks at herself is when she feels she's made a mistake, so if I DON'T change things around like you suggested in the 1st line, she will more than likely look at her issues... meaning the perceived "rejection," or rather time apart because I took the initiative, will get her to examine things honestly.

Things are backwards with us... because she is push/pull... very ambiguous about relationships. I want her to begin to look at her behaviors and the effect that her behaviors have had on others... she sadly cannot do that unless she feels she has been in the wrong. I have been the same way before... I think a lot of people are. So yeah...

My main focus right now is trying to figure out how I am going to say this to her... and what to say. I need to decide soon because I will be moving over the weekend. I am nerve-racked, and want to get this right, meaning things to be clear-cut so that we can both heal and not pine and dwell...

dollydo

Well, trying to hold an alcoholic accountable is like trying to catch a fart in the wind...just cannot be done.

I set my bounderies/ultimatiums for me, if you do this I will do this...and I will do it.

Many relationships fall into the parent/child arena, however, I have never seen one that works over the long term.

All I am trying to say is: Do what is best for you, work on your recovery, and let her work on hers, if and when both of you are healthy...then you can take another look at your relationship, as friends or whatever may evolve. Take a break to work on you.

Freedom1990

Did I hit upon a self-truth? (I hate it when people do that to me!)

I find Alanon extremely helpful. It's also a bonus that my AA sponsor is also black-belt Alanon. Our Alanon meeting folded over 20 years ago, but I practice the principles in all my affairs.

It's been through God's grace and 12-step programs that I have found true recovery in my life.

I hit my codependent bottom in 1999 (years after I got clean/sober), and would you believe I haven't found it necessary to "need" a man in my life yet?

Two years ago I enrolled in college full-time at the age of 50. This December I will have completed two degrees.

I'm having the time of my life!

I'm an empty-nester now that youngest daughter moved out last September.

I have my zoo crew to keep me entertained.

I have the best circle of friends through 12-step programs.

My self-worth comes from within.

Any other perks in life are just icing on the cake!

mrphillipctrs1

I heard the committment thing too. I only wanted her to get healthy. The thing is that regardless of what we hope for, and what we bargain with, it does not matter, because it is not up to us, it is up to them.

Not2bforgot10

I am thinking no contact would be best. This really breaks my heart and scares me and almost feels as though I am abandoning myself...

Kittyboo

This really breaks my heart and scares me and almost feels as though I am abandoning myself

Please try to reverse your thinking here..... you're SAVING yourself.

Not2bforgot10

Ah, yeah, you're right. It's still sad though because I feel like I am losing a part of myself... I guess that's what happens when you don't have a very well-developed sense of self to begin with Gotta build that up! ...like a muscle ,*Rawr*

JK :P

Anyway, yeah... I guess I can try and keep a positive focus, but I am just going to need a lot of support for when I make this move and am all alone. I only know one person where I am moving to... well, a couple, but only one that is remotely healthy lol

Yeah

Janitw

You will both have times of relapse this is normal so if it happens don't beat yourself up over it - rather learn by it....she has her addiction and YOU have her as yours...welcome to codependancy... but we do overcome in the end of it all and eventually get into healthy relationships...and life is good again. Believe it or not sweetie we actually become addicted not only to our loved ones but also to the chaotic lifestyle that we lived in....right after we leave and are on our own life seems so boring in the beginning then after a good year or two we have a realization that -hey so this is how calm and serene life is supposed to be...which we call our "Ah Ha" moment of clarity...lol

Hang in there - stand tall and strong

Janitw

mrphillipctrs1

You will eventually begin to feel an actual weight lift off your shoulders. Moving to a new town, you can't get any better than that for a fresh start. Who says you are going to be alone? Imagine the new healthy friends you are going to meet, who knows you maybe your HP has someone there waiting for you.

Learn2Live

You know what you need to do. I hope you find the courage to do it.