taking the dive
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Lawrence, KS
Posts: 3
taking the dive
alright, i've been lurking for a while now, and i am finally going to put it out there. I married a man who is an alcoholic, despite the warning signs (which i didnt really recognize cuz i've never dealt with it before), i started to get suspicious after living with him a while and just summed it up to him being used to not having to be responsible for other people, his mum, after we had been married for a few months, mind you, brought up that his ex was concerned about his drinking, then not long after that his sister brought up that he seemed to be drunk a lot of the time, so i asked him to lay off the vodka, i figured if he drank a beer or 2 every once in a while that would be okay, but still it bothered me because it was like 2 or 3 of those big cans of beer, i had suspected him of drinking in private (sneeking around) but just figured that i was being paranoid, one day i spyed on him - yes i was being sneeky too - caught him sneeking a drink in his car where he had been hiding it!
i asked him why, he didnt have a reason, he quacked and quacked, (its all me, he doesnt have a problem, it doesnt effect anything quack quack quack)
i asked him to prove me wrong, begged him to please prove me wrong, that he just liked to drink and wasnt an alcoholic, i asked him to go a week without drinking, this was a tuesday (last tuesday actually) well he did it (as far as i know) up till saturday where he was like "would it bother you if i had a couple of beers?" i was like "hmm i havent had a glass of wine in a while (month or so) so sure" he got the couple of beers (big cans) and then finished off some vodka that i had hidden after he said he would go a week, i told him he could have that if he wanted, he got trashed...
the next night (sunday) he went to work and then on the way home, he stopped at the store and picked up his ol trusty bottle (mind you i have not been angry up to this point, scared and worried but not angry due to the drinking, i was angry that he hid it from me though) sat at the corner right before the turn into our house and drank his bottle (mixed with mountain dew of course) then he came out and said he wanted help and wanted to stop and that he realized he had a problem. i was like, okay, lets get you to a meeting!! yesterday, monday, he went to his meeting, the whole time i kept telling him how proud of him i was and how i loved him and all that mushy stuff, well he had to stop off at the grocery store with my card to pick up a couple of things for lunches and then he had apparently squirreled away a bit of cash from the money i gave him for the boys' (my kids that he has been daddy too) sunscreen. after the meeting he drank, he came home and then he lied about it, i busted him though when i went to put stuff in his car, i smelled the alcohol in his mountain dew bottle from last night, sigh! thanks for letting me vent. now...
HOW DO I HELP HIM!!!! WHAT DO I DO!!!! i want the many that i married, the fun not drunk man! any ideas?
i asked him why, he didnt have a reason, he quacked and quacked, (its all me, he doesnt have a problem, it doesnt effect anything quack quack quack)
i asked him to prove me wrong, begged him to please prove me wrong, that he just liked to drink and wasnt an alcoholic, i asked him to go a week without drinking, this was a tuesday (last tuesday actually) well he did it (as far as i know) up till saturday where he was like "would it bother you if i had a couple of beers?" i was like "hmm i havent had a glass of wine in a while (month or so) so sure" he got the couple of beers (big cans) and then finished off some vodka that i had hidden after he said he would go a week, i told him he could have that if he wanted, he got trashed...
the next night (sunday) he went to work and then on the way home, he stopped at the store and picked up his ol trusty bottle (mind you i have not been angry up to this point, scared and worried but not angry due to the drinking, i was angry that he hid it from me though) sat at the corner right before the turn into our house and drank his bottle (mixed with mountain dew of course) then he came out and said he wanted help and wanted to stop and that he realized he had a problem. i was like, okay, lets get you to a meeting!! yesterday, monday, he went to his meeting, the whole time i kept telling him how proud of him i was and how i loved him and all that mushy stuff, well he had to stop off at the grocery store with my card to pick up a couple of things for lunches and then he had apparently squirreled away a bit of cash from the money i gave him for the boys' (my kids that he has been daddy too) sunscreen. after the meeting he drank, he came home and then he lied about it, i busted him though when i went to put stuff in his car, i smelled the alcohol in his mountain dew bottle from last night, sigh! thanks for letting me vent. now...
HOW DO I HELP HIM!!!! WHAT DO I DO!!!! i want the many that i married, the fun not drunk man! any ideas?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Hi Supernik...and WELCOME to SR! (officially that is 
)
I'm sorry you're dealing with this, but SR is the right place to be for you. There's lots of support to be had here.
First off, since you've been lurking, you must know about the 3 C's of addiction
You didn't CAUSE it.
You can't CURE it.
You can't CONTROL it.
As you're starting to see, no matter what you do, your husband is going to drink (then lie about it, or hide it, or blame you for it, etc). Nothing you do or say can change that. You simply aren't that powerful.
So what do you do?
You step WAAAAAAAY back, realize that his recovery is within his own hands, and focus on you. In this instance, the serenity prayer comes in real handy:
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (other people), the courage to change the things that I can (you!), and the wisdom to the know the difference".
I repeat this prayer to myself every day (yah, me the Atheist!).
You are not your husband's, nor his doctor, nor his mother, even if you were all those things, HE will need to decide for himself that he is ready and committed to recovery. There's really no other way.
Have you considered Al-Anon for yourself?
Keep posting and reading...SR is a great place to be.
)I'm sorry you're dealing with this, but SR is the right place to be for you. There's lots of support to be had here.
First off, since you've been lurking, you must know about the 3 C's of addiction
You didn't CAUSE it.
You can't CURE it.
You can't CONTROL it.
As you're starting to see, no matter what you do, your husband is going to drink (then lie about it, or hide it, or blame you for it, etc). Nothing you do or say can change that. You simply aren't that powerful.
So what do you do?
You step WAAAAAAAY back, realize that his recovery is within his own hands, and focus on you. In this instance, the serenity prayer comes in real handy:
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (other people), the courage to change the things that I can (you!), and the wisdom to the know the difference".
I repeat this prayer to myself every day (yah, me the Atheist!).
You are not your husband's, nor his doctor, nor his mother, even if you were all those things, HE will need to decide for himself that he is ready and committed to recovery. There's really no other way.
Have you considered Al-Anon for yourself?
Keep posting and reading...SR is a great place to be.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Hi,
Your story is so typical, and yet, so very upsetting to all concerned.
Unfortunatly, there is only one person you can control, only one person you can help, that is you!
Read all you can, go to meetings, knowledge is power.
Your story is so typical, and yet, so very upsetting to all concerned.
Unfortunatly, there is only one person you can control, only one person you can help, that is you!
Read all you can, go to meetings, knowledge is power.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Lawrence, KS
Posts: 3
i just dont understand why. why is it he would lie to me about it, i'm nothing but supportive, im not judgemental, i wont nag, if he were to say "hon i fell off the wagon" i'd say "okay well that was today but tomorrow will be better" why lie!
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Why? Because alcoholics/addicts lie, that is what they do. That is part of their illiness.
The more you learn about addiction, the better you will be able to deal with this disease.
There is no cure for alcoholism, it is just a matter of whether he is active or not.
Take some positive steps to help you recover from codependency.
The more you learn about addiction, the better you will be able to deal with this disease.
There is no cure for alcoholism, it is just a matter of whether he is active or not.
Take some positive steps to help you recover from codependency.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Missouri
Posts: 673
IMO - alcoholics/addicts lie/hide because they know they're doing something they shouldn't be doing to themselves and the people around them. They know there'll be H*** to pay when they're "caught". They know people won't approve and will see them for what they are. They know they'll see themselves for what they are.
You may not complain now, SuperNik, but he knows that eventually you'll get tired of it.
I never complained. But he knew that I knew. He knew it would eventually get to me, which it did. After quite some time in AlAnon, and talking with my program relatives, I knew better than to "bug" him about his drinking. But the behaviors are intolerable. Maybe not now, but eventually, and when they build up. And for me, when the behaviors accumulated and effected me until he was dangerous, and I couldn't stand it any longer, I left.
One way or the other, he thinks that by hiding it, you won't know, you won't complain, and he can live happily ever after in his alcoholism.
Hugs to you, we're here for you, and we've all been through it.
You may not complain now, SuperNik, but he knows that eventually you'll get tired of it.
I never complained. But he knew that I knew. He knew it would eventually get to me, which it did. After quite some time in AlAnon, and talking with my program relatives, I knew better than to "bug" him about his drinking. But the behaviors are intolerable. Maybe not now, but eventually, and when they build up. And for me, when the behaviors accumulated and effected me until he was dangerous, and I couldn't stand it any longer, I left.
One way or the other, he thinks that by hiding it, you won't know, you won't complain, and he can live happily ever after in his alcoholism.
Hugs to you, we're here for you, and we've all been through it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
Why do they lie? Because they must. There is incredible deception at play when an alcoholic wants to drink and knows that doing so will incur both self-recrimination and grief and judgment from others.
When my AH came out of rehab even he was amazed at some of the stories: supposedly recovering alcoholics who relapsed on Nyquil or even on rubbing alcohol! There was one guy who was driving to rehab in Florida and his wife was in the passenger seat the whole time and she noticed that by the time they were halfway there he was DRUNK! She couldn't figure it out--until she realized that he had replaced the windshield wiper fluid with alcohol and then fed the line into the car along the driver's side door, where he could turn his head and suck on it like a straw without his wife noticing! If these guys and gals could channel that kind of energy in a different direction we could probably cure cancer!
So, you have to realize that even if you try to sniff out all his Mountain Dew bottles (BTDT with my AH diet pepsi bottles), he'll find a way. You can't outrun the lies.
So follow the advice people have given you here and think about yourself and how YOU are going to proceed.
Welcome!
When my AH came out of rehab even he was amazed at some of the stories: supposedly recovering alcoholics who relapsed on Nyquil or even on rubbing alcohol! There was one guy who was driving to rehab in Florida and his wife was in the passenger seat the whole time and she noticed that by the time they were halfway there he was DRUNK! She couldn't figure it out--until she realized that he had replaced the windshield wiper fluid with alcohol and then fed the line into the car along the driver's side door, where he could turn his head and suck on it like a straw without his wife noticing! If these guys and gals could channel that kind of energy in a different direction we could probably cure cancer!
So, you have to realize that even if you try to sniff out all his Mountain Dew bottles (BTDT with my AH diet pepsi bottles), he'll find a way. You can't outrun the lies.
So follow the advice people have given you here and think about yourself and how YOU are going to proceed.
Welcome!
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