My birthday tell-all
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
My birthday tell-all
So I have a confession of sorts to make. I haven't talked about it openly on this site because I've been afraid of your reactions, but I've grown up a lot in recent months...and I have so many of you to thank. Since I'm feeling more comfortable with myself, and because it's my 40th birthday today, it's time to be really REAL.
I'm still afraid of what you'll think of me, but that's okay, I can live with that. All day long I've been thinking of that slogan, "It's none of my business what other people think of me."
I'm gay, and after a weekend of celebrating "Pride" I decided to be really honest in every facet of my life. I feel like I've gotten all kinds of support from all of you but I haven't been totally honest by holding back that information. That ends today. Tomorrow begins my 40s and they will be filled with honesty, authenticity and love.
I was married and when that ended I fell in love with a woman, and that was an emotionally abusive relationship with an ACOA. After that, and quickly, I got involved with my exA. That relationship brought me here.
All of my life I've dealt with my internalized homophobia, my mother's "say one thing, do another" contradictions that are part of ACOA/addiction reality, and all of the internal crazy-making that goes with all of that. I'm trying to do it differently now.
Yesterday at the Pride festival I ran into my exA. I caught a glimpse of her at one point, and then turned it over to my HP (lots of 3rd step recitations in my mind) with regard to how I would handle the situation. I figured if it was supposed to happen that we would see each other, we would, but I wouldn't spend the day seeking or avoiding.
She saw me with my friends, and came over to us. It was fine. I didn't feel like I'd been punched in the stomach. It didn't feel like anything other than warmly greeting an old, old friend. When I hugged her goodbye I silently wished things had been different, but they weren't. I was sad, but felt that it was a peaceful encounter that didn't leave me feeling "hooked" and looking for more...she walked away and that was that. I also saw others in the gay community that I feared would shun me based on the possible stories my ex is telling them. They all greeted me warmly, encouraged me to be in touch and I believe much of that was authentic.
I'm all done with that old way of being, now. This new Posie is accepting reality at face value. The new Posie is accepting that my exhusband and children have embraced that I'm gay, my family and friends have supported me fully--I am the only one in the way of myself...not my exgfs, not alcohol, not anyone. If I'm true to myself, and honest, and embracing who I am I will also be emotionally available for when a healthy partner comes my way. And I'm not ready for her yet, so that's all in good time.
Thank you for being there for me. I'm writing this before I go away for a few days and probably won't have internet access. I think a part of me planned it that way for fear of your rejection, but the healthy, grown-up me knows that if I'm just myself then I can't go wrong. And my HP has my back...I continue to keep turning it over.
With gratitude for holding this space for me,
posie
I'm still afraid of what you'll think of me, but that's okay, I can live with that. All day long I've been thinking of that slogan, "It's none of my business what other people think of me."
I'm gay, and after a weekend of celebrating "Pride" I decided to be really honest in every facet of my life. I feel like I've gotten all kinds of support from all of you but I haven't been totally honest by holding back that information. That ends today. Tomorrow begins my 40s and they will be filled with honesty, authenticity and love.
I was married and when that ended I fell in love with a woman, and that was an emotionally abusive relationship with an ACOA. After that, and quickly, I got involved with my exA. That relationship brought me here.
All of my life I've dealt with my internalized homophobia, my mother's "say one thing, do another" contradictions that are part of ACOA/addiction reality, and all of the internal crazy-making that goes with all of that. I'm trying to do it differently now.
Yesterday at the Pride festival I ran into my exA. I caught a glimpse of her at one point, and then turned it over to my HP (lots of 3rd step recitations in my mind) with regard to how I would handle the situation. I figured if it was supposed to happen that we would see each other, we would, but I wouldn't spend the day seeking or avoiding.
She saw me with my friends, and came over to us. It was fine. I didn't feel like I'd been punched in the stomach. It didn't feel like anything other than warmly greeting an old, old friend. When I hugged her goodbye I silently wished things had been different, but they weren't. I was sad, but felt that it was a peaceful encounter that didn't leave me feeling "hooked" and looking for more...she walked away and that was that. I also saw others in the gay community that I feared would shun me based on the possible stories my ex is telling them. They all greeted me warmly, encouraged me to be in touch and I believe much of that was authentic.
I'm all done with that old way of being, now. This new Posie is accepting reality at face value. The new Posie is accepting that my exhusband and children have embraced that I'm gay, my family and friends have supported me fully--I am the only one in the way of myself...not my exgfs, not alcohol, not anyone. If I'm true to myself, and honest, and embracing who I am I will also be emotionally available for when a healthy partner comes my way. And I'm not ready for her yet, so that's all in good time.
Thank you for being there for me. I'm writing this before I go away for a few days and probably won't have internet access. I think a part of me planned it that way for fear of your rejection, but the healthy, grown-up me knows that if I'm just myself then I can't go wrong. And my HP has my back...I continue to keep turning it over.
With gratitude for holding this space for me,
posie
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
I will be forty this year and I hope I am able to approach my birthday with the dignity and class you've shown. Wow!!
I will tell you that you owe us nothing. You are right that what we think matters only if it brings you support. Negativeity and hate for someone's personal being have no place here.
And yet somehow you find it within yourself to be so open and so raw and to put that out there for comment. I applaud you! Being honest with yourself from this moment forward will make so much stronger emotionally, spiritually, and in your relationships.
I hope when you come back you find nothing but acceptance and encouragement in the replies.
You have it from me without hesitation.
Alice
I will tell you that you owe us nothing. You are right that what we think matters only if it brings you support. Negativeity and hate for someone's personal being have no place here.
And yet somehow you find it within yourself to be so open and so raw and to put that out there for comment. I applaud you! Being honest with yourself from this moment forward will make so much stronger emotionally, spiritually, and in your relationships.
I hope when you come back you find nothing but acceptance and encouragement in the replies.
You have it from me without hesitation.
Alice
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 97
Posie, your post made me happy. Thank you!
Thanks for bringing us humans one little step closer to eradicating the poison of homophobia. Step right up and claim your right to be honored as a participant in the most beautiful and honorable human exchange - love.
(((clapping)))
ps happy birthday!
Thanks for bringing us humans one little step closer to eradicating the poison of homophobia. Step right up and claim your right to be honored as a participant in the most beautiful and honorable human exchange - love.
(((clapping)))
ps happy birthday!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Reality, NJ
Posts: 853
This post was such a beautiful exchange and example of acceptance and love for others I got a little teary eyed. I am honored to witness the love here.
Happy Birthday Posie..Now remember that S*x and the City says 40 is the new 30. Soooo..so do still shop in the juniors sections at stores, do stay out a tab bit too late at night and all that good stuff you did in your thirties! You are just getting started my friend...
Happy Birthday Posie..Now remember that S*x and the City says 40 is the new 30. Soooo..so do still shop in the juniors sections at stores, do stay out a tab bit too late at night and all that good stuff you did in your thirties! You are just getting started my friend...
Climbing hills, flying down...
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: By the Sea
Posts: 565
Happy Birthday Posie! It doesn't matter who you love--love is love, and that is all that matters!
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind".
-- Dr. Seuss
7
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind".
-- Dr. Seuss
7
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Aw Posie, I wish the world weren't so that you would need to feel afraid that people would judge and/or reject you. Just so you know, I couldn't give a damn that you are gay, girl. Just be who you are and the rest will fall into place. I am so glad that you are taking this milestone in your life as an opportunity to look at and accept YOU. It is all part of our journey and we love you and accept you just the same.
7 Happy Birthday!!!
7 Happy Birthday!!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
I am the only one in the way of myself...not my exgfs, not alcohol, not anyone. If I'm true to myself, and honest, and embracing who I am I will also be emotionally available for when a healthy partner comes my way.
Good stuff!!!!
Happy Birthday!!!!!!
peace-b.
Good stuff!!!!
Happy Birthday!!!!!!
peace-b.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
