Jenny1232

It shouldn't be this difficult. Every part of reasoning in my mind tells me I don't need or even want this guy. Part of me thinks that I do not even love him...

Yet, I feel like I need him. I need him to be happy in my day. I need him to feel wanted, loved, desired - even though he doesn't even make me feel that way.

I just don't understand why it's so difficult to let go of someone who treats me so poorly. I really do not want to be with him anymore... but, I don't want to be without him either.

I've deleted him from my phone and blocked his phone number again. He deleted his facebook and we don't have each other's email. It doesn't make it any easier. He absolutely hates me now, for what I did in the beginning of our relationship. I consider that a godsend, and I'm glad he does, because lord knows I'm too weak to be the one to fully walk away. He just makes me feel like a bad person now... and I let him. I never cheated on him; I don't understand why I'm the **** who can't keep her legs closed now, or I'm the cold, heartless b!tch. I'm really not.. and yet, I believe him when he says these things.

Part of me is upset because he doesn't want ME anymore. Now, I feel rejected, unloved, not desirable, like a piece of sh!t, unworthy of attention. I don't want to rely on him to validate my worth anymore - because, he certainly DOES not. No matter how much reading I do, I still make excuses for him. I know, without a doubt, that he is toxic for me... but, I just cannot accept this.

I'm not going to do anything stupid, stay with him, talk to him, etc. I just need to vent, and release this built up anger, despair, heartbreak, frustration. Underneath it all, I feel the greatest relief. A wave of freedom has washed over me. I just feel very sad...

I'm free to do anything I please, but, at the same time, I cannot find the strength, motivation or courage to do it.

Also, I don't think my therapist is very beneficial to me. I know enough about psychology, and I have enough friends to listen to me vent, that just going into an office and unloading does not help. I recieve more constructive criticism and feedback here, than anywhere else. I certainly don't know ENOUGH about psychology (not an arrogant remark), but, I need some challenge from her. I need exercises, food for thought, some suggestions. I have enough listening ears - I NEED A CHALLENGE. I think she's a great lady, very compassionate, so, I feel bad for even saying this. My guilt consumes me for having even negative thoughts about her.. because she's so sweet to me. Is there anyway to even stop feeling so bad all the time? If I had no friends and family, I think it'd help a lot.. but I rant and rave enough as is.. Maybe I should go buy some work-book of some sort. Any suggestions?

What helps YOU?

nodaybut2day

what helped me was reminding myself that I was in the grips of an addiction, just as he was, to him and to his drama. I was so used to having to put out the fires he created, or of using him to feel wanted and needed, that when we were apart, I felt empty. I felt used up.

I HAD to start filling up my life with myself. I started doing The Artist's Way again (daily journaling and creative activities). I made a point of talking to friends I hadn't contacted in a while. I made lists of things I had neglected to do while with him...and boy was it a looooooong list. I'm still working on it.

I'd suggest giving yourself some slack Jenny and then starting up a project that'll keep you busy. Check back in with yourself in a week or two, and I guarantee you'll see progress. Right now, things are too fresh and raw, so it's normal to want him again even though you know he's bad for you...just like a drug.

As for your therapist, if it's not a good fit, then find something else. I have paid 100$ a hour for a therapist that did me no good. I have paid nothing to talk to a social worker who was so proactive and gave me awesome feedback. She's the one who got me into Al-Anon You have the right to find the support that fits you...don't feel bad about looking around for someone else.

spinwc

i had to change therapist because the woman i was going to was just listening to me vent. No feedback, no solution, no challenge.

The guy I am with now is different. He is a hardass. He has me journal daily and then I have to read it to him. Then he lets me have it. Doesnt hold back. And thats exactly what I need.....no kiddy gloves.

If you arent getting anything from it, I would stop going because to me, its going to add to your frustration and thats the last thing you need. Maybe look into seeing someone else? Tell them you are looking for someone who is aggressive. Thats what I did.

I have those same feelings. I feel so rejected and used. I am struggling with that right now. Its hard to not take it personal. I am trying to refocus on me. Selfish as it may sound, its time for me to take care of me and time for you to take of you. First priority is to get healthly, mind and body.

Write down your goals. work on them daily. Exercise-they say its the natural cure for being down in the dumps (not to mention how hot you will look from being in awesome shape). It has helped me alot.

I think surrounding yourself with positive,healthy people is so important. Once you see what a healthy realtionship is like, you wont look back.

And keep coming here and posting/reading/venting, it helps!

Jenny1232

Thanks Spinwc! Maybe I should consider going to a male. I think it would toughen me up some.. I need a hardass, someone to put me in my place so to speak. Might I ask how you find him.. or his credentials? I mean.. all therapists obviously have a degree... I just haven't found the right fit yet. I once went to a guy - and he rocked.. but he was SO expensive I only went once!

I feel bad even saying that I'd be looking for someone else. Maybe.. I'm just not assertive, because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I'd rather lie, and say money is too tight.

I like the idea behind being selfish, just because I've always been so unhappy, meeting other peoples needs. As far as exercise - I'm very active with mountain biking, rock climbing, hiking, etc. I don't do it daily though, but a few times a week. I think incorporating a walk with my dog in the evening (and inviting my parents) would be beneficial. I could connect with them, and it gives me a chance to just think, or not think.

I appreciate your advice, really! Thank you, and best of luck to you too!

Learn2Live

What helped me was going to Al-Anon regularly, reading a lot of books from the library to try to find and understand myself, and focusing on my future and how to get where I wanted to go. You're right, your therapist isn't going to do it for you and I think it is a great idea that you are interested in doing a workbook. If you don't know which workbook to choose, go to the library first, check out a bunch of self-help books on a bunch of different topics, and start skimming through them, or reading a chapter here and there. See what sparks your interest or sounds familiar about your own life. This will give you an indication of what kind of workbook you might benefit from.

One thing for sure I learned from going through what you are going through, feeling all the same needy feelings, OVER and OVER and OVER again in relationships with others is FINANCIAL INDEPENDENCE will make you feel and be less needy on EVERYONE, especially on other people who are NO GOOD for us.

spinwc

You might want to consider switching to a male. Here is why I did: I dont trust men now. As weird as that sounds, I figured that the first step in learning to trust a man was to have one help me through this.

I was just very lucky with him. When I called to make the first appointment, I explained to him that I knew my issues were deeply rooted and that I needed someone who was aggressive with me and not someone to just listen. He agreed 100%.

I would search around, find a few and call them. Explain it to them. You will probably get a vibe on which one you connect with.

I am trying to connect with people again also. As cheesy as this sounds, I almost crave being around people right now. I want to be around positive people and have fun.

It is time to be selfish! It was hard for me to say that last week, but today, I am going to be selfish! Its time we all take our passion for helping others and help ourselves!

Keep exercising, posting and reconnecting with people-happiness will be our greatest revenge!

PieRat

while jogging kick a squirrel or two, that should help, and would probably be good therapy...<snicker>

Jenny1232

Well, I've mastered that one. I'm 23, have excellent credit. Paid off my first car in full, by MYSELF... pay ALL of my bills.. paid HIS bills.. and now help support my dad who is struggling! I don't live alone, because I'd rather help my dad, who's helped me for 23 years... but financially, I'm on top of it! My ex put me in a tight spot financially, which is yet another reason, I DON'T WANT TO BE WITH HIM!

I will do some research on workbooks.. I'm not sure what's even out there in that regard, but I think it'd be great! Thank you for your advice!

Jenny1232

Pierat, what did the poor squirrel do to recieve the wrath of Jenny?!?!

Jenny1232

I really don't trust men - but I have a really great male friend.. and he's very trustworthy, so I won't exclude them all. I will learn to not trust, the un-trustworthy!

Thank you for the suggestion of how to go about this. I know my issues are deep rooted, so I will say the same thing!

Bolina

Sorry to hear you are struggling a bit today, Jenny.

How about going to a 12 Step group, getting a sponsor and working the steps? Plenty of practical work to do their, especially when you get around to Step 4.

Btw, are you sure you're missing him, rather than just missing someone?

PieRat

Ummm...He was male.

coffeedrinker

Hey, Jenny,

I could have written every word. It's just a strange thing, isn't it? But it points us to a truth. It's our job to find out what that truth is, then tackle it.

Sorry you're in such a painful place. From my experience, it just takes a very long time. Slowly, the sun will start shining -- you will have more dark days -- and then the sun will come out again. It's just a process. We are impatient because it sucks and we, as humans have a NEED to feel good. It's what drives addiction (IMO) in the first place.

I had never thought I could connect in an intimate and therapuetic way with a man therapist, but I happened upon the one I am now seeing, and he is the best that I've worked with to date. I think what Spin said about developing a trusting relationship with a man is very wise.

The therapist often needs to be directed. This often occurs in the initial meeting, where a treatment plan is written. Then, sometimes, you need to say "I think I need some goals and objectives. Can we work on that today?"

I understand just wanting to make something up about discontinuing. But it would be a lesson in assertiveness, and taking care of yourself to state how you feel: even if she got her certificate in a cereal box, she should not take it personally. They understand that first and foremost is the relationship dynamics between themself and the client.

Workbooks could be very helpful. I guess I would think that trying for another therapist is the best thing right now.

Chino

I'll always remember an exercise at my daughter's rehab. They blindfolded patients inside a labyrinth and told them to find their way out. If they couldn't, all they had to do was say the magic words (they didn't tell them the words). One woman said it almost immediately, "I need help!"

That's how us family members were taught to "wait for the question" from our qualifiers.

Jenny, your therapist may be waiting for you to ask for what you need. Does she know you're venting elsewhere? My therapist knows I come here and go to meetings.

My daughter recently came to the conclusion her therapist was being too easy on her. She learned from the labyrinth lesson, asked for help, and they discussed if she was ready for a different approach and which one. It's 180 degrees from what they were doing. She has tons of homework now and she seems happier for the challenge, after she gets done drying her tears from it.

Freedom1990

This is what I do with my therapist. If I'm in a phase where I need more than just to vent, I let her know. I tell her what I want to work on.

She gave me some hand-outs on self-esteem several months ago...things to do that 'exercised' my brain in a different way, challenged my self-perception at the time.

The principles of Alanon have also helped me tremendously. Even though we have no local Alanon group, my sponsor is a black belt AA/Alanon!

Summerpeach

Check this thread out. It talks about the Blue work book.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-workbook.html

Jenny, sorry you're struggling. Look at it this way, all this pain is withdrawal and from it comes FINAL peace!
Almost like going through chemo. You know the end result will be to have killed off the cancer.

You're come so far is such a short time.

Kittyboo

Jenny, i'm sorry you are feeling this way today. All of your emotions and feelings right now are normal, and I remember when I felt exactly the way you did. EXACTLY.

Though you may not think a therapist is beneficial...they are. Maybe this particular one isn't guiding you in a way that you feel is helpful to you, or you are not feeling comfortable with this particular one, so it's often common that someone see more than one therapist...like getting a second opinion to see who they feel they "click" with.

Totally normal.

You have done a lot for yourself it sounds like by the age of 23. Something to be proud of! But i'm gonna say it only because you made the obvsersation.."I know enough about psychology".... no you don't.
Many psychological area's of life one may view as being common sense. But the psychology of an individual is extremely complex.
I am guessing you are a different person now than you were at the age of 15, and in 10 years you are going to be a completely different person than you are now.
You are gaining your life experiences, you are learning about the things you absolutely do not want to make a part of your life. And you are learning that you are strong enough to get through this.... and you WILL get through this. I promise that. If you keep learning about you, about your passions in life, you WILL get through this.

But don't simplify what positive benefits a therapist can bring to your life. There is a vast difference between exploring yourself and your life with a therapist and then venting to your friends.
If you have the means to be able to speak with someone, then please take advantage of that route.
You have so much to look forward to!!
Enjoy your beautiful day!

Jenny1232

"I know enough about psychology".... " - I know that came across wrong. What I meant, is I know enough about it.. that what I'm recieving right now isn't something I don't already know. I need someone who can show me, and teach me the things I do not know. I know the basics... and I don't feel like I am being challenged what-so-ever. It's like.. with her, I answer a lot of my own questions, or some of the things she says, I already know, because I've learned it here. I need someone who is able to help me better understand why I am the way I am, present me with challenges, and help me see things from a different perspective. What I meant was.. My therapist is kind of playing the role of a friend right now, which I do NOT need. I will try and speak up, and tell her I need something more from her. I think hand-outs would be great, and perhaps some direction into self-acceptance would be wonderful. I certainly want therapy, I'm just not sure my therapist now is very beneficial. I called around today, I would love a male psychologist!

Summerpeach, thank you. I will check that out. It makes me feel really good that you said I've come far. Sometimes, I feel like I really have. I'm so much more aware of my life, and how my circumstances are a result of my actions, or lack there of. Other times, I feel completely, lost and weak.

I'm in a LOT of pain at the moment, physically. My neck is hurting so bad, and I am hesitant to take a pain pill, because I'm very angry at the moment. It may just make it worse. Thankfully, I start chiropractic care next week again! I feel SO angry. I just don't know how to let it out. I'm so mad at the world. I'm furious with him. I'm furious with my brothers soon-to-be wife, that I have to take part in this weekend. I'm just not happy right now.

Coffeedrinker, explaining to her would really help me in assertiveness.. but I'm scared to hurt someone's feelings. The guilt will eat me alive.. even if she doesn't take it bad, I feel like she will...

TakingCharge999

Hugs, this too shall pass.

Learn2Live

I have spinal disease. Yoga helps me because my yoga practice keeps the pain away. There are many other benefits to yoga. Have you ever thought about trying yoga as an alternative or in addition to chiropractic? This is not medical advice, just an idea you might want to try.