p121970

my boyfreind has been in rehab for 3 months now. his counselor wants him to go to a halfway house when he leaves. i want him to come home where he is so missed! he wants to come home also. i have a drug free alcohol free home! the counselor says he needs to do this for himself! this is my home he moved in about a yr ago and the counsler is showing them that they have nothing and need to fix their lives! i understand why he is saying what he's saying but my kids and i have open our hearts to him and want him here!
ive tried to do some research on the success rates of halfway houses and i can see where they can be good but many people are successful in the sobriety after going home. Married men are not asked to go to halfway houses are they? we've only dated for bout 2 yrs but are so in love! is it really all that bad to have him come home and start living his life just as we were before he went in... but without the alcohol obviously!
i have to go to a meeting w his counsler this sunday! i know this subject is going to come up and i am so nervous! i dont want to be selfish and make a decision that will jeopardize his sobriety but i just cant look him in the eyes and tell him he cant come home! i want him to come home!
thought maybe if i had some feedback it would help me face the counsler with a more educated opinion!

suki44883

The best place for him after rehab is a half-way house. He will have the opportunity to ease back into society as a sober person. I know you want him home, but if you really want what is best for him, encourage him to go to a half-way house.

Still Waters

My AH went to a halfway house after rehab, because I didn't feel comfortable with him coming home at that time. I had been getting nasty finger pointing letters from him while he was in rehab.

Come to think of it, he's STILL finger pointing.

PaperDolls

After rehab I went to an Oxford House -- similar to a halfway house -- it was the best thing I could have done for myself and my recovery.

p121970

where u in a relationship at the time? did u have other options? isnt it harder for them when there are not w people that love them? i just dont' see how breaking his heart will help him in his recovery?

dollydo

He is just beginning his journey into recovery. The professionals know what they
are talking about. They are not doing this because they have nothing better to do with their time.

What is the big hurry? Why must he come home right now? Believe me his heart won't be broken if goes to a half way house, he will survive and come out even stronger.

Stop obsessing about him, work on you, have you gone to meetings? Might be time to do so.

Stop and think, if you want to give him the best chance for lifelong recovery, let him use the tools that are available to him.

suki44883

It won't break his heart. You want what's best for him, right? So, let him work on his recovery and you take care of yourself. Check out Al-Anon meetings and learn how to do what is best for yourself and allow him to do what's best for him. This is the time for him to be selfish, not you.

Chino

Then tell him that, but also that you don't what's best for him, either. That's the truth, right?

Taking5

Thinking this will break his heart is quite a leap. Are you sure you are not just putting your needs ahead of his at this point?

kelsh

My nephew was 16 & using drugs & alcohol....he took things from his Mom & little brother to sell or returned them for the money. When he somehow withdrew his Mom's whole paycheck out of the bank she had him arrested & he had the choice of jail or one year of rehab.

He chose rehab for a year & then went to a soberhouse for two years...working while he lived there. After that year of success, he met his former Boss on the street & was offered his old job back & has worked up into a partnership & is making good money.

He has 10 years clean & sober and his girlfriend has 9 years clean & sober.

His Dad is my Brother who is still out there in the mess of alcoholism trying to get sober but never makes it very long before he is drinking again.

I do not think my nephew would be alive today if he had not taken treatment & the soberhouse over jail time. I am so proud of him.

kelsh

Pelican

Welcome!

SR is a wonderful resource of information and support. I have learned a lot about alcoholism and my co-dependency from the information and wisdom posted on this forum.

I understand that you miss your RABF (recovering alcoholic boyfriend) and want your relationship to continue. I hope you will see that your temporary seperation is not hurting either of you. It is helping your RABF learn to take better care of himself and make healthy decisions for his future. Maybe he will have a future as a great step-dad when he learns how to cope with life without picking up and abusing his health.

You have done some research about half-way houses and have learned that they can be successful in transitioning addicts into the real day-to-day world of sobriety. I want to gently point out to you that your own loving home was not enough to get and keep your RABF clean for the past year. Love is not powerful enough to cure addiction. Your RABF needs all the tools available to him to learn to resist his addictions.

Please let us know how we can help you during this time of seperation.

Jadmack25

I understand you wanting him with you after his being away for 3 months. I also understand him longing for you and your home after he gets out.

I assume that your situation wasn't that great where his drinking was concerned, as he has been in rehab, and that doesn't happen for fun. I also assume you want him to stay sober, in recovery, and happily able to live with you and your kids in future.

May I suggest that him going straight home from rehab, and living with anyone who has not done a bit of research and study on alcoholism and it's control etc, over everybody....is a recipe for extra tension and him relapsing.

Going to a half way house is not being sent to outer Siberia, and you and he can spend time together, but he can work his program more intensely there, and you will have the chance to read up, do research, visit Alanon and learn about alcoholism.

I bet if he or one of your kids had been diagnosed with eg, diabetes; you would be reading and googling your heart out to learn about and try and understand what having diabetes means.....

Now you can do the same for him and his disease, and with both of you playing your own special parts, there is a better chance of success.

I wish you both all the best.

God bless

PaperDolls

I was in a relationship actually. I did go home after rehab and it just didn't work out. I was changing and my partner wasn't .... well, she was but not at the same pace as me and it was just too hard. I knew that if I was to focus on my recovery like I needed to I wasn't going to be able to be distracted by the problems with our relationship. I had to put all my energy into me. I moved into the Oxford House 3 months after rehab. It was the best thing I ever did for myself. I found me, something I never knew.

1. Just because you don't live together doesn't mean you can't spend time together.
   
2. Like someone else said, are you putting your needs first?
   
3. This isn't your decision, it's his. Let him make it.

You may not like it but letting him work his program is important.

I suggest checking out some alanon or naranon meetings in your area. May be it will help you with this issues ...... more than likely it will help you with this an many other issues. Good luck to you!! :day6

p121970

wow people are tough on here i see! lol thank you for your non judgmental advice! i really just wanted some input bout halfway houses being more successful than home life! wasnt looking to be criticized! no I'm far from putting my needs in front of his! i have a good life! good job, 3great kids, a home! plenty to keep me busy! to be honest an alcoholic is the last thing i need! i obviously didn't know he was an alcoholic until a yr later when he got a dui and then life for him went downhill quick! i tried to be there for him! we have a great relationship! he truly is the sweetest man i have ever met! he hid his drinking problem from me, he said he thought he could control his disease as long as he was happy! and when were together he is happy! but when he hits a bump in the road of life he apparently grabs the bottle and dont put it down for days!
he went to jail back in Nov 2009 for his dui served his time until rehab could take him! so he has been sober now for about 7months! and he's doing really well! He is running the kitchen there and acting as counselor to other clients there! he had childhood issues then divorce issues to work through and he is doing just that! learning to make better decisions in life!
he has allready told his counseler hes not going to a halfway house! he wants to come home! i wrote this letter because his counselor is going to try and persuade Me into making him realize a halfway house is best! the counselor feels that my opinion has a lot of impact on my boyfriends decisions. this i know! so i just wanted to be prepared with some knowledge of halfway houses being better for him than coming home! im feeling pressured i guess! i dont' want to make this decision! and im not! but my opinion will be asked!
whats the rush someone asked? he's 44 im 39! we dont' want anymore time apart! im really not being selfish! i truly want him to be successful at his sobriety! i just wanted to know how a halfway house is better than a home where ur supported and loved! didn't ask to be attacked or judged! there are AA meetings within walking distances just about everyday of the week! he has a job waiting for him if and when he is ready. there's no rush i don't need him to pay any bills im self sufficient! and our freinds don't drink! so the environment here is good!
as far as my knowledge of alcoholics my dad was an alcoholic...quite knowledgeable unfortunately!
i guess what i shoulda asked was has anyone been sucessful at staying sober if they just went home? Married partners go home after rehab dont' they? maybe i'm wrong!

Chino

Since no one has mentioned success, it's safe to assume the answer is no. Married partners have the same choices as not married. Every repeat patient at my daughter's rehab decided it might be time to try the sober home, including the married ones.

You have experience with substance abuse, but do you have experience with recovery? Specifically, your own? Honestly, your marriage won't survive if only one person is working recovery.

Jazzman

I can help with that. My wife went to a 30 day rehab but washed out after a week and came home. A year later she went to another 30 day rehab and this time stayed for the program, then came home. She was encouraged to do 90 in 90 (AA meetings in as many days) but didn't. She relapsed after a few weeks. After we were divorced she did another 30 day rehab but relapsed again a few weeks after completing the program. She drank herself to death last September and today would have been her 50th birthday. I'm having dinner with her family tonight to celebrate her memory.

Thumper

Mine came home. No he was not successful at staying sober.

I think everyone has said that a halfway house is his best chance. Of course there are people that come home and make it work. There are people in recovery that don't go to rehab at all. Statistically most do not make it work regardless of what they choose to do so it makes sense to me to take advantage of all the 'tools' he has available - including extended rehab in a halfway house.

My xah and I are older then you. If 6 months out of the house would have resulted in real recovery - it would have been a small small sacrifice to make. Worth a gamble. For full disclosure though - I was not at the same place you are at now. I was a few thousand miles further down the road. I wanted him to go work on his recovery for 6mos and then see where we were at and he refused that route. I needed (and still need) a lot of recovery of my own.

nodaybut2day

Amen.

"Instant gratification now damnit" doesn't often lead to good things, IMO.

aasharon90

Hi Im Sharon and Im an Alcoholic.

By the grace of my HP and people
like you here in SR I havent found
it necessary to pick up a drink of
alcohol since 8-11-90.

For that and you I am truely
grateful.

Family intervention sent me
to rehab back in Aug 1990
with them getting me help
I so needed at that time.

After completing 2 weeks
there in rehab they wanted
to send me to a halfway house
figuring if they released me
to go home i would surely
drink again.

With pleading i asked if there
was anything i could do so i
wouldnt havent to be sent away
again from my little ones.

In agreement i was allowed
to complete a 28 day stay right
there in rehab with a 6 week
outpatiant aftercare program
tact on.

That for me was going to any
lengths to stay sober so i wouldnt
be sent out of state away from
my kids.

Sure enough i did what i needed
to do and thus have stayed
sober 19 yrs.

Each persons recovery is different.

There is no guarantee that including
myself not to stay sober unless
i work a recovery program for
me.

And for myself I did.

Today im still one drink away from
a drunk yet i chose not to drink
because of my solid recovery
foundation i have built my life
upon.

You can too....for urself.

blur

3 months is 3 months. support him but always remember he is in recovery and it is a real condition. let him go to the halfway house, you will see how much he loves you, if he loves you..