praiseHim

If I don't want to accept my dh not dealing with his alcohol problem? Ugg, I hate that feeling. He wonders why I just can't accept it. Do I have a problem or being judgemental or controlling or not seeing him as good enough because I don't want to live with the alcohol or his behaviors? He sees that he has problems, but doesn't see the alcohol as one of them. So I feel that I have the right not to live like this anymore. Our lives are a mess. I want to be with him so badly and love him so much. It is confusing when you set a boundary because then I feel guilty and feel like I'm not accepting him or being critical. He says he feels powerless, but I feel powerless and have no choices but to either accept the alcohol in our marriage or stay seperated/divorce. It makes me feel really sad. I wish he would understand how much I love him and our marriage, and just can't live with this. Needed to vent, having a rough day and thinking about some hard decisions I need to make.

Kassie2

i completely understand your position. I set a boundary with my AH and he always chooses A over me/marriage etc. Accepting his AH can mean many different things to many people. It does not have to mean you live with it in your face daily - if you don't have to make any decisions right away then wait until your emotions have settled down.

Freedom1990

I no longer live with active alcoholism in my home, period.

I have that right.

I accept my 32 year old is an active alcoholic/addict.

She is not welcome in my home, and she knows it.

I would have zero contact with her but my 14 year old granddaughter made the choice to go live with her mother last year.

It's important for me to have a good relationship with my granddaughter, so I do have to communicate with my AD in regards to visits from my granddaughter.

Accepting and putting up with are 2 different ballgames.

You have a right to leave a peaceful and joyous life.

I don't think for one second that God wants you to live this way. Do you?

transformyself

Of course not! You're the problem, work is the problem, money is the problem, hell he can even be the problem but not his beloved alcohol. They will defend, deflect and deny. Period.

When I stopped trying to convince him of this (or anything really other than my own boundaries) things got amazingly better in my life. Acceptance is my friend, my friend.

For me personally, this resolved itself in many steps. First, yes I did accept he isn't going to do anything about his drinking, which escalated his trying to interact with me. He liked the battles, the arguments, he liked throwing me off the trail by agreeing and then straightening up for a little while.

You're not being judgmental about him, you're accepting finally who he is and what he chooses to do. He's being controlling by trying to convince you that you have to still subject yourself to his alcoholism. You don't! You can create a clear boundary and stick to it and trust me, when and if you do, the heavens will open, the Sun herself will shine on you again and you will feel hope. Ah, hope.

Why do you feel this way? You set a boundary because it's what you've come to believe is right, right? I wonder if you examine your feelings of guilt, if you understand them, if they would then go away?

Just comparing your situation to mine, I can say that as long as I entangled wtih my AH about his drinking, it was like a game of emotional and mental gymnastics. He's the gold medal winner, the most magnificent contortionist!

Again, when I stopped engaging with him about these thigns, when I simply stated my truth and didn't let him try to badger me out of it, I felt better.

catlovermi

You seem to hold to the paradigm that you should accept anything, and everything. That somewhere in the definition of "love" and the vows of marriage this is the case.

Where did that idea come from?

Perhaps this needs examining.

CLMI

Bolina

Because you are being judgmental.

And that is ok if it means setting boundaries about how you live your life. I'm not a big fan of telling others what to do. I am a huge believer in deciding what is acceptable or not in our own lives, though.

Seren

Wedding vows include loving, honoring, and cherishing.....these apply to him as well. However, it certainly does not seem as though he is holding up his end of this agreement. You deserve to be loved, honored and cherished...not lied to, deceived, manipulated.....

Nothing to feel guilty about in my opinion if you are not willing to put up with that behavior from your AH.

Hugs and prayers, HG

Jadmack25

There are two words that get very muddled as folks think they mean the same thing, and they are ...Judgment and Discernment, being judgmental or discerning. The problem is working out which is which.

Judgmental is when I look at someone and decide they are at fault, when I judge someone on their differences to me, where I use me and my standards, ethics and actions as the norm, and theirs do not measure up.

Discernment is looking at people and situations as they are, having perception, insight,
discrimination, the power to distinguish and select what is true, appropriate or excellent. It is having a searching mind that goes beyond what seems obvious or superficial, and combined with a practical judgment. It is deciding what is best for ME, choosing how I live my life and who I want in it, accepting what is acceptable to me.

Being judgmental would mean you telling your AH that he HAD to change his ways because he is an alcoholic and he is bad.

Being discerning is is looking at the situation you are in and deciding what is good for you, and who and what you want in your life. It is saying you cannot, and do not wish to, live in an alcoholic situation whether that is in marriage or elsewhere.

You were discerning, not being judgmental.

God bless

Bolina

Discernment is a truly excellent word.

I agree wholeheartedly. Brilliant nuancing, my friend. Naming the grey. I love it.