Hammerhead

History is the best predictor of future behavior. I say at least 1 year clean and sober..

The trust issue is yours to fix. If you are expecting "hey i need space" or "i am not in love with you" from men... that's what you WILL get. It's up to you to change your "acceptable perimeters".... get emotionally healthy.

Yes and he's manipulative as hell. Evidently the "need me" button has worked for him in the past and he uses it to manipulate people.


Drinking brings out peoples personalities... different people = different personalities.


??? why? To validate you?

You're constant trying to figure out list... will continue to get longer...

Just remember the 3 C's

You didn't CAUSE it
You can't CONTROL it
You can't CURE it.

nodaybut2day

Ok, this may sound blunt, but why would you even want him, even if he does "change"? I don't know but, once disdain took hold in my heart, I couldn't go back and make myself love my XAH any longer. He'd hurt me beyond anything I could ever forgive.

To me this is a HUGE red flag. It says "I want to have some kind of power of you, and the fact that I do is reason for me to throw a tantrum and treat you poorly."

I personally despise "needing" someone in my life. I'd rather be in a place where I feel perfectly fine and happy on my own, and then if someone amazing happens to come along to complement my life, then great. The whole pop-culture "I can't live without you baby" just rubs me the wrong way....

I don't think it's a question of figuring this out, as much as a question of deciding what you're going to do. Are you going to keep getting hurt by this person or are you going to walk away?

spinwc

Thanks Hammerhead. Its true...one question leads to 20 more and its exhausting.

I'm not sure why I need some validation. I am trying to figure this out one step at a time. All I know is I have my own issues I need to work on and I need to put those first instead of his.

I keep seeing comments about books. Is there a particular book that anyone recommends? I have found the more I read (online, SR, etc) the better/stronger I feel.

spinwc

Noday...Its not a question of me wanting him back. I dont. I guess I worded it wrong. Using him as an example, how do you really know if people are recovered? I guess part of me is scared of meeting someone new and finding out addiction is part of their past....or is it? Does it really ever "go away"?

I agree...that was a huge red flag. I was so speechless over that comment. I wasnt sure how to take it. My first reaction was "So I dont use you like all these other women do, you should be happy about that". Looking back, there were 1000's of red flags. One thing I have learned from this experience? I need to start listening to my gut. WHen your gut is telling you something is wrong, chances are, somethings wrong.

No, I will not continue to let this person hurt me. And I will not continue to hurt me by allowing him to control my life, feelings, actions, thoughts, etc. But I want to understand my codie issues and I guess trying to pinpoint my attraction to this type of person is a start.

nodaybut2day

Agreed...instinct is a hugely powerful and rather accurate tool. We've just trained ourselves out of listening to that voice, because it's not socially acceptable, or because we don't want to make anybody uncomfortable.

These days, I work very hard to let that voice speak, clear and honestly, and then whatever happens happens.

I think it's awesome that you're already clear with yourself on not letting this toxic man back into your life.

Hammerhead

It's human nature to want validation... as codie's it's up to us to learn how to distinguish healthy and unhealthy validation.

We codies definitely have to become selfish (me first) when dealing with addicts/alcoholics.... otherwise we allow ourselves to be used...and used...and used. It's up to us to become emotionally healthy and once we become emotionally healthy... it's amazing... THEN we tend to attract/notice healthy people.

Books:

Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No-To Take Control of Your Life
By Henry Cloud, John Townsend

Codependent no more: By Melody Beattie

lulu1974

I can understand validation/ And wanting it. When we go to court for the divorce, I would like it said in court what he did. The fraud with the FBI, the alcoholism the adultery. I am not sure they will allow it but I would like it mentioned. I dont need retribution but I would like acknowledgement from a court of law of what I have been through. And of course intend to look fabulous for the best day of my life and the worst day of his life.

I know this is petty to say but may he never get over me and what he did to me. May those demons always haunt him.

I am sure I will feel differently but for now..I can wish bad for him. Slightly childish I know.

Hugs
Lulu

spinwc

Lulu, I dont think that is childish at all. You want him to hurt just like you hurt. And eventually, he will. I firmly believe in what goes around comes around.

lulu1974

Thank you for your kindness. I am not sure people like this ever feel remorse. I believe in Karma but when someone can lie themselves out of anything I am not sure they ever really face things. It shouldnt matter and truthfully the more I get into recovery and have no contact..my mind seems to be rebounding back..

TakingCharge999

Welcome back, lulu hope you are feeling better today !

God/HP is the master of justice. "I trust divine justice" is a good motto. Leave karma to God/HP.

Easier said than done, I know.

spinwc

I know revenge is an awful thing to hope for! You are right-easier said than done!

I try to think that I have one up on him already though. I am not addicted to any kind of substance and I am taking steps to get me healthy and try to treat people as I would expect to be treated.

Being happy will be my revenge!

Jadmack25

Years ago, long before some of you were even a twinkle in your mum's eye...there was a TV series called The Honeymooners. I always liked the theme line from the star, which was.. "you'll get yours, Alice".

I have been heard muttering that line under my breath, when someone has done something that sucks, and I feel like making sure fate knows it is to come back and BITE them.

So...to all scumbags, cheaters and abusers of their women and kids, I say a very hearty "you'll get yours, Alice".

god bless

coffeedrinker

My xabf would occasionally tell me "can't do this, I'm gone." At that very moment, he may have really meant it. But, being the impulsive and emotionally immature man he is, he didn't have very well-developed ability to stick it out, stay in the disagreement, to work through it. Leaving seemed like the only option to someone who didn't ever really learn how to stay connected and work through things to a good resolution.

Or, it may have been manipulation. Once (same relationship) I was told, "If I leave, I'm not coming back." Said to get me to change my mind, "Oh, please don't leave, abf, you win, I will back right off" was probably the hoped-for response.

coffeedrinker

1. I think Real Change is usually apparent. Sometimes they get really good at faking it, but generally the anger and crappy behaviors show up if they are. One reason the "one year" rule is good.

2. Yes, he is insecure and codie also.

3. I remember talking to my therapist, early in the therapy relationship, about how I feel about xabf. Therapist said he didn't get it, as we are so different. I was explaining some of the things and then I said, "I just love the way his skin smells." He was like 'light bulb' and slowly nodded his head and said, "Yes, I understand that. The chemistry of that is to a large extent what attraction is about. The pheremones."

I think that the alcoholism is there, similar to your father. Then, the other components of attraction are present with this guy. It makes sense to me.

Startingover2

Wow! My exah says this all the time...usually when I either confront him on his drinking or catch him in yet another lie about women. He turns the tables and says "Fine. I will leave. This is bullsh**".

It is amazing how the same basic patterns are followed by alot of A's. Is there a big book they all read?

spinwc

Coffeedrinker-sounds just like mine. This is the 4th time in 10 months that I have heard "i dont know what i want" or "i have issues i need to work through" or "can we just be friends, thats all i can give you at this point in my life". But...he always came back and I fell for it every time.

You hit it on the head about impulsive and immature. He told me last week "i am not in love with you" and "just dont feel like i should about us". To me, if you truly felt that way about a person, why would you continue contact? I have noticed a pattern with him that when something happens in his life, he contacts me (recently was his grandmother dying). OK, I hate that the woman died, but again you said "i am not in love with you" so what was the purpose of contacting me about this???

I keep forgetting what kind of mind I am dealing with I guess. Everyone around me keeps telling me that he will be contacting me again. Maybe he will, maybe he wont. But I do know one thing, it has been kind of peaceful these last three weeks. Sure, I am hurt, frustrated, sickened by the situation. But I have had three weeks of not having to drive a drunk home from the bar, wonder how I am going to get a 6'5 man who is passed out out of my vehicle and the frustration of trying to figure out the relationship, not to mention the feeling of "i really dont want you here" which is often how I felt when I would be at his house.

I suspect he is probably a bit confused right now. Usually, I have texted him by now, hoping to try to talk things through. But i havent.

I guess it is balance for me. One side i am still very hurt and sad. But the other side is relieved, free and hopeful for something more positive in the future.

PurpleWilder

Also, look at the time that he texted you - 12.30 in the morning.

Also known as "I want to make sure you are home moping and not out having a good time without me. So, I'm gonna text you so that if you are out having a good time, I'm gonna blow it with my BS."

ladyhawk69

For me, the 1 am "U ok?" msg meant booty call. Doesn't anymore, I've had his number blocked for awhile so I don't know if he even tries to call anymore. Maybe that would help for you? I know what you mean about attracting that type of person as well. Maybe when we finally get over our codie and enabling tendencies, we'll find somebody worth our time and maybe take care of us for a change!

spinwc

Dirtmagnet-That was exactly what I thought. I think that is part of the problem. He doesnt want me but doesnt want anyone else to have me. SCUMBAG!

mrphillipctrs1

I got a phone call from my XAGF, at some point in the middle of the night. I did not take it, because I was asleep. She has run off with another RA.

I sent her this message:

Saw you called,
Please don't.
You have made YOUR decision
If this had been an actual emergency
have your mom call me.

side note: Her son took me off his friend list on Facebook, I am sure she told him some kind of BS. I am glad now I sent him a message before she got to him.