jehnifer

My husband of 4 years doesn't want my son age 19 to live at our house this summer until he goes away to college in the fall. he wants him to live at his dads. my husband doesnt like my son. But I want my son here at the house if thats where he wants to be these last few months before he goes away to college.

And my husband is soooo mad at me. I mean MAD. and he will hardly speak to me. its been going on for several days now. and even though i can accept that he doesnt like my son, i wont make him go live at his dads. and i am hurt and to me it tells me something about my husband. my son was ill behaved several years ago but is no longer disrespectful toward me and never to my husband (his step dad) or anything. he works a lot and is respectful toward my husband and has no idea his step dad doesnt like him. Hes and mature and responsible.

every time i open up conversation about it trying to get my husband to not be so mad at me he ends up yelling and then i get even more hurt. i dont know what to do.

We have been to therapy about this.

My issue is that because of my "own" issues...I feel sick to my stomach, my mind cant think, I cant sleep, heart is racing = anxiety. And i feel very conflicted about wantign my child to be with me yet it not being acceptable to my husband. And feeling so defensive tryingt o uphold what I beleive is the right thing.

suki44883

I looked back at some of your threads from last year. It sounds like you have been letting your husband push you around for quite some time. Pardon my french, but he sounds like a first class jerk! If it were me, I would tell him that my son is welcome to stay in my home and if he doesn't like it, he knows where the door is. Until you stand up for yourself and stop letting him bully you, nothing is ever going to change. You deserve so much better than you are getting from this bum.

jehnifer

Here are somethings I can do TODAY to try and feel better:
pray
turn it over
stay busy:
yoga, walk, work
interactin with others
go to the 7pm meeting

Freedom1990

What does this situation tell you about your husband?

jehnifer

it tells me some things I don't want to even say or believe. like that he's immature and selfish? it hurts me to use those words, and I dont want to. It's not my nature to give people labels, especially negative ones. Why is it so difficult for me to emotionally detach and see it for what it really is? It's like i am more sympathetic to HIM than I am for what its doing to ME. I hurt more that HES unhappy/angry than I do that I am hurting. And that casues me to challenge my owns belifs. How can I shield from that? its really weird to me.

jehnifer

why do i resist saying its abusive?

Freedom1990

I don't know.

How would you feel if your daughter ended up with a miserable man like that?

TakingCharge999

jehnifer it is totally reasonable to have your son stay at home with you.

Well I understood this because I was the one who went to live to Austin when I was unemployed, spend some time with my dad. My stepmom was angry and usually asked me when I was planning on leaving, etc. It made me uncomfortable but hey I am part of the family and I was not going to spend DECADES there..... but she felt her space was invaded or whatever... in any case it made me feel as if I was doing something wrong.

Anyway what has to happen for you to wake up? one day even if you want your son to come visit, he won't want to visit, and you will be full of regrets, exchanging valuable son time for... nothing

Jadmack25

It seems to me that your husband is unhappy if he doesn't get his own way, and he does not give a toss if his way makes you unhappy.

Your son doesn't know his step dad doesn't like him? So he is in for a nasty shock, and he will also be unhappy.

I re-read some of your past posts, and oh wow, hasn't your husband got a BIG bully problem? He wants this and that, and NO....you can't do whatever.

Bullies are usually gutless jerks who pick on weaker folks, and the minute they are challenged or jumped on, they run away.

Funny how he has told you how he doesn't like your son....but has never got the message directly to your son.....why is that?

Time to put this little Hitler in his place, and tell him to button it right now, because your son is welcome to stay with you, and if that bugs hubby, then he can stay bugged or bug off.

Please reclaim your life from where he has trampled it underneath his demands. He is supposed to be your husband, partner, other half...not your prison commandant.

God bless

praiseHim

I know that I've struggled with some of the same things. BUT, I realized that when I think these things I'm in denial. Denial and not facing the truth prevents me from seeking help, from moving on in my life, from making things better. Often times I have felt like the martyer (sp?) and I don't have to and neither do you. What is the point of me suffering and putting up with hurtful behaviors and maintaining? It isn't the life that God wants me to have. Our dh's feelings and behaviors are not more important than ours. We are allowed to make decisions and disagree. If you choose your dh over your son, that will show your son by your actions that you don't care as much about him, even if you tell him you love him. Actions ALWAYS speak louder than words as I'm learning very quickly in my own life. The other people posted some hard things to hear, but very true words. We are not victims to abuse or alcoholism. I'm tired of living my life like I am.

praiseHim

I realized this the hard way. It really was a realization. I was so frustrated with dh for not taking responsibility and for not working on problems and issues. But I went on my merry way controlling, giving advice, lecturing, being mad, sulking, being his holy spirit and so on. I wish I had let go and worked on myself a long time ago. It would have spared years of heartache and pain for myself, whether or not my dh quit drinking or not or if we stayed together or not. It is all so destructive and a nasty cycle. It was hard to for me and still is to get beyond the victim and blaming mode of my codependency, but I know there is hope if I do and that I can.