Biggest FOOL
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
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If you already know your weaknesses (him, feeling lonely, feeling...*other* kinds of needs), then take active steps to help yourself be strong when facing them. Stop engaging him in any way, shape or form (block all calls, emails, etc). Keep busy doing fun and stimulating things with people other than him, or by your wonderful self. Though it may be daunting, these kinds of action can be VERY liberating.
Fear often grips me when I just sit there contemplating how afraid I am.
Fear often grips me when I just sit there contemplating how afraid I am.
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Virginia
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My (another) ex once told me I talk in circles.. I'm not even aware.
What I meant - I led myself to believe that the problems of our relationship are due to my fears. He instilled the belief in me, that I was worrying, and letting fear ruin us. So many times in the past few weeks, he's said, "your fear is creating this problem".
Soo, I took a step back. I knew fear has always ruled my life, and I've done little things to get over it. Went skydiving and rock climb to get over my fear of heights. I rode on the back of my dads motorcycle to get over that fear. I continually work, to push through my fears.
Like I said, I instilled the belief (or he did) that fear was the cause of our demise. After therapy, I told myself, that I'd let fear go. That, I would trust him to make the right decisions. After all, if I let fear run the course of our relationship, aren't I creating my own self-fulfilling prophecy? I was trying to stop fearing that he's an alcoholic, or he's abusive, or he'd cheat, or this and that. Granted, I sucked at it, but I was working on it. I placed all the blame on me, and thought, well it's up to me to fix it this time...
Does that make sense? I've always described myself as a walking contradiction. I'm very naive and indecisive.
What I meant - I led myself to believe that the problems of our relationship are due to my fears. He instilled the belief in me, that I was worrying, and letting fear ruin us. So many times in the past few weeks, he's said, "your fear is creating this problem".
Soo, I took a step back. I knew fear has always ruled my life, and I've done little things to get over it. Went skydiving and rock climb to get over my fear of heights. I rode on the back of my dads motorcycle to get over that fear. I continually work, to push through my fears.
Like I said, I instilled the belief (or he did) that fear was the cause of our demise. After therapy, I told myself, that I'd let fear go. That, I would trust him to make the right decisions. After all, if I let fear run the course of our relationship, aren't I creating my own self-fulfilling prophecy? I was trying to stop fearing that he's an alcoholic, or he's abusive, or he'd cheat, or this and that. Granted, I sucked at it, but I was working on it. I placed all the blame on me, and thought, well it's up to me to fix it this time...
Does that make sense? I've always described myself as a walking contradiction. I'm very naive and indecisive.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Washington
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ive been going to a lot of meetings with my abf. he recently got back from rehab and ive been trying to be as supportive as i can while hes trying to stay sober. however, if theres one thing ive learned from the meetings, its the serenity prayer.
god, grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change
courage to change the things i can
and the wisdom to know the difference.
you cannot change his behavior, you can only change yours. when my guy was in detox, i was a complete wreck and that continued onto just recently. then i realized no matter what happens, i can only control my own actions, and i am going to do to the best i can for myself. and i threw myself into work and school, and it took the place of having him need to hold me. hopefully this works for you. ill be checkin back.
god, grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change
courage to change the things i can
and the wisdom to know the difference.
you cannot change his behavior, you can only change yours. when my guy was in detox, i was a complete wreck and that continued onto just recently. then i realized no matter what happens, i can only control my own actions, and i am going to do to the best i can for myself. and i threw myself into work and school, and it took the place of having him need to hold me. hopefully this works for you. ill be checkin back.
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Join Date: Jan 2010
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Jenny hon,
You need support when you feel weak. You need the courage to change the things you can.
I know you are reading self help books but are you going to Al Anon? Or Coda? Regularly, I mean. Regularity is the key.
As far as your bf is concerned...remember this: he will never fail to disappoint. Doesn't matter if it is even you who are setting him up to fail with your expectations. He will fail. He will go out to a bar after his aneurism when what YOU want is for him to curl up with you on the couch and watch a DVD. He will push you out of his truck and leave you drunk and crying on your street, when what YOU want is for him to hold you and say "I will never let you go." He will never...fail...to...disappoint...you.
Because that is who you two are, to each other, and that is your dance.
You are comfortable in your disappointment and grief and he is comfortable that you will always, always, come back to him.
You may play this out for years...unless you really, really want it to end. If you do want it to end Jenny, you need to take steps. We are here for you!
Hugs,
Soph
You need support when you feel weak. You need the courage to change the things you can.
I know you are reading self help books but are you going to Al Anon? Or Coda? Regularly, I mean. Regularity is the key.
As far as your bf is concerned...remember this: he will never fail to disappoint. Doesn't matter if it is even you who are setting him up to fail with your expectations. He will fail. He will go out to a bar after his aneurism when what YOU want is for him to curl up with you on the couch and watch a DVD. He will push you out of his truck and leave you drunk and crying on your street, when what YOU want is for him to hold you and say "I will never let you go." He will never...fail...to...disappoint...you.
Because that is who you two are, to each other, and that is your dance.
You are comfortable in your disappointment and grief and he is comfortable that you will always, always, come back to him.
You may play this out for years...unless you really, really want it to end. If you do want it to end Jenny, you need to take steps. We are here for you!
Hugs,
Soph
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
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Originally Posted by Jenny1232 
I was trying to stop fearing that he's an alcoholic, or he's abusive, or he'd cheat, or this and that. Granted, I sucked at it, but I was working on it. I placed all the blame on me, and thought, well it's up to me to fix it this time...
He is what he is, Jenny. Nothing's going to fix that.
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I think I understand what you are saying. And, I agree that letting the fear go is healthy.
But, it is only the first step. So, if you let go of the fear of him being an alcoholic, that doesn't change the fact that he is an alcoholic, does it? The reality is still there, and if you no longer fear reality, you can take whatever action is right for you based on the situation, rather than the fear of the situation. Right?
L
But, it is only the first step. So, if you let go of the fear of him being an alcoholic, that doesn't change the fact that he is an alcoholic, does it? The reality is still there, and if you no longer fear reality, you can take whatever action is right for you based on the situation, rather than the fear of the situation. Right?
L
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Soph, that makes me want to cry. It's so true.
I went to al-anon once, and I attempted a second time, and it didn't even exist there anymore. It really isn't my thing; but I am willing to be open to it.
Tonight, I'm going rock-climbing with a good friend. It may not be a support group, but when I was heavy into rock climbing, it was the most at peace I've ever been at with myself. The people there are healthy and normal, and it makes me feel good about myself. It's kind of my higher power, I guess.
Do you really feel like, he does this, knowing I will come back to him? Does that mean when we have deep, long, loving conversations, he doesn't mean it? They say abuse is a choice; so he most not mean it then?
I started to realize how many lies I catch him in, how mad he gets, and how easily I let it go. I don't think I even know him anymore. Or, did I ever? I'm feeling very upset.
I went to al-anon once, and I attempted a second time, and it didn't even exist there anymore. It really isn't my thing; but I am willing to be open to it.
Tonight, I'm going rock-climbing with a good friend. It may not be a support group, but when I was heavy into rock climbing, it was the most at peace I've ever been at with myself. The people there are healthy and normal, and it makes me feel good about myself. It's kind of my higher power, I guess.
Do you really feel like, he does this, knowing I will come back to him? Does that mean when we have deep, long, loving conversations, he doesn't mean it? They say abuse is a choice; so he most not mean it then?
I started to realize how many lies I catch him in, how mad he gets, and how easily I let it go. I don't think I even know him anymore. Or, did I ever? I'm feeling very upset.
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
I think I understand what you are saying. And, I agree that letting the fear go is healthy.
But, it is only the first step. So, if you let go of the fear of him being an alcoholic, that doesn't change the fact that he is an alcoholic, does it? The reality is still there, and if you no longer fear reality, you can take whatever action is right for you based on the situation, rather than the fear of the situation. Right?
L
But, it is only the first step. So, if you let go of the fear of him being an alcoholic, that doesn't change the fact that he is an alcoholic, does it? The reality is still there, and if you no longer fear reality, you can take whatever action is right for you based on the situation, rather than the fear of the situation. Right?
L
He manipulates me into thinking all sorts of other things - except for the reality. I let him. I'm seriously addicted to him... and I've given up addictions before, so I know it's possible. I guess I have to go through a few relapses, before I'm fully ready...
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
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Originally Posted by Jenny1232
I guess I have to go through a few relapses, before I'm fully ready...
I'm not signing up for any more crazy-making behavior/talk from anyone these days.
Making healthy choices for myself is so much better.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
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Do you really feel like, he does this, knowing I will come back to him?
Perhaps unconsciously, yes...or perhaps, VERY consciously, knowing full well that no matter what he does, good ol' reliable Jenny will always be there.
Does that mean when we have deep, long, loving conversations, he doesn't mean it?
He may well mean whatever he says during those deep loving convos, but that doesn't mean he is sticking to what he says. I've learned that talk is CHEAP; real actions and follow-through takes balls. Is your bf even capable of such action?
I don't think I even know him anymore. Or, did I ever?
This is an awesome realization IMO. You had this *image* of him in your mind that was undoubtedly not at all what the man truly is. There's no shame in that, though I understand how hurtful and shocking it is.
I remember the shock at realizing that I was XAH's wife #4 and not #1 as he claimed, that all the stories he told me about his childhood/adulthood were entirely false...I must have walked around for weeks with my mouth wide open in horror. I remember that I was still in shock somewhat when I found another woman's underwear in his keepsakes box. By then, it had become clear that a) XAH was a very skilled liar and b) I had willingly overlooked a lot of red flags to preserve the image I'd built up of him.
Perhaps unconsciously, yes...or perhaps, VERY consciously, knowing full well that no matter what he does, good ol' reliable Jenny will always be there.
Does that mean when we have deep, long, loving conversations, he doesn't mean it?
He may well mean whatever he says during those deep loving convos, but that doesn't mean he is sticking to what he says. I've learned that talk is CHEAP; real actions and follow-through takes balls. Is your bf even capable of such action?
I don't think I even know him anymore. Or, did I ever?
This is an awesome realization IMO. You had this *image* of him in your mind that was undoubtedly not at all what the man truly is. There's no shame in that, though I understand how hurtful and shocking it is.
I remember the shock at realizing that I was XAH's wife #4 and not #1 as he claimed, that all the stories he told me about his childhood/adulthood were entirely false...I must have walked around for weeks with my mouth wide open in horror. I remember that I was still in shock somewhat when I found another woman's underwear in his keepsakes box. By then, it had become clear that a) XAH was a very skilled liar and b) I had willingly overlooked a lot of red flags to preserve the image I'd built up of him.
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WHAT? You realized you were wife number four, and he lied about it all? That makes me question whether mine really was engaged or not. I didn't see the POINT in lying, but I guess there doesn't need to be one. WOW.
So, he made up stories about his past? You know.. he told me how abused he was, blah blah. I've talked to his mom on several occasions, and she always said, "I don't know what happened. His childhood wasn't all that bad." --- Pathological lying is CRAZY. It's hard to believe it exists...
So, he made up stories about his past? You know.. he told me how abused he was, blah blah. I've talked to his mom on several occasions, and she always said, "I don't know what happened. His childhood wasn't all that bad." --- Pathological lying is CRAZY. It's hard to believe it exists...
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Crazy exists.
And we lie, pathologically, to ourselves about it.
How long we choose to waste our lives abusing ourselves and chasing a fantasy is up to us.
The hard thing to accept is that we get it when we get it. And not a moment before. Or maybe even harder to accept is that some people never get it - they refuse to get it. They live in a hell of their own creation and they are unable to get out.
It's a sickness. It's crazy. And it's so so sad.
And we lie, pathologically, to ourselves about it.
How long we choose to waste our lives abusing ourselves and chasing a fantasy is up to us.
The hard thing to accept is that we get it when we get it. And not a moment before. Or maybe even harder to accept is that some people never get it - they refuse to get it. They live in a hell of their own creation and they are unable to get out.
It's a sickness. It's crazy. And it's so so sad.
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He claimed he was never married, but then I went to visit his mother in Las Vegas, and I got to see, in full colour, the pictures of his first, second and third wedding (the first one was a BIG flowery expensive church wedding with the bride wearing a large puffy white dress). Fun huh?
He told me:
He had been a professional bank robber, had a gang of criminals working for him robbing banks, that he'd accidentally murdered someone in jail and felt oh-so-sorry for him...that his real name was something other than what it was today, and that his *entire* family was in the secret and that they changed all the baby pictures and IDs and that he bought a new identity from his gang-related-yakuza contacts, but it was all hushhush so we couldn't talk about it...that his father was in fact his adoptive father and that his real father was a French diplomat his mother had had a fling with, but that no one in the family knew so we couldn't discuss it...that he had a brother named Misha who died long ago but that we couldn't talk about it with his mother because she was oh-so-distraught about it...that every woman he'd been with had lied, stolen and used him, poor him, and that he was just a misunderstood guy...
See where this is going? It was all lies.
Anyhow. I apologize for the hijack. Thankfully, that's all in the past.
He told me:
He had been a professional bank robber, had a gang of criminals working for him robbing banks, that he'd accidentally murdered someone in jail and felt oh-so-sorry for him...that his real name was something other than what it was today, and that his *entire* family was in the secret and that they changed all the baby pictures and IDs and that he bought a new identity from his gang-related-yakuza contacts, but it was all hushhush so we couldn't talk about it...that his father was in fact his adoptive father and that his real father was a French diplomat his mother had had a fling with, but that no one in the family knew so we couldn't discuss it...that he had a brother named Misha who died long ago but that we couldn't talk about it with his mother because she was oh-so-distraught about it...that every woman he'd been with had lied, stolen and used him, poor him, and that he was just a misunderstood guy...
See where this is going? It was all lies. Anyhow. I apologize for the hijack. Thankfully, that's all in the past.
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Wow, nodaybut2day.. Did you believe this? It sounds SO absurd...
However, I can relate to the whole - everyone has lied, cheated, used him, etc... INSANITY.
I'm in shock of what you just posted... Okay, so aside from all that... there were times when he acted completely normal, loving, caring, mr. wonderful husband?
However, I can relate to the whole - everyone has lied, cheated, used him, etc... INSANITY.
I'm in shock of what you just posted... Okay, so aside from all that... there were times when he acted completely normal, loving, caring, mr. wonderful husband?
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Originally Posted by Jenny1232
Wow, nodaybut2day.. Did you believe this? It sounds SO absurd...
Originally Posted by Jenny1232
there were times when he acted completely normal, loving, caring, mr. wonderful husband?
It's when I started to meet his family that I realized he'd been purposefully isolating me from the people who could tell me the truth about him.
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Originally Posted by Soph
Jenny, look at the post by HealingWillCome from yesterday...it is very inspirational!
Hugs - (and I gotta get back to work!)
Soph
Hugs - (and I gotta get back to work!)
Soph
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You're such a punk Anvilhead! Always a slap back to reality, but hey, that's why I'm here!
While I never entirely let go of my ex before him, I can easily say I'm perfectly fine without him. Damn if I didn't think my world ended when he left me - so with that, I KNOW it's possible. I'm just insecure, stubborn, clingy, needy and everything else that sucks!
BUT hey, the more I think about it, the more incredible being free sounds!
While I never entirely let go of my ex before him, I can easily say I'm perfectly fine without him. Damn if I didn't think my world ended when he left me - so with that, I KNOW it's possible. I'm just insecure, stubborn, clingy, needy and everything else that sucks!
BUT hey, the more I think about it, the more incredible being free sounds!
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