Jenny1232

A woman has needs; and I got those taken care of... Shame number one.

This woman is lonely and wants to be held; got that taken care of... Shame number two.

Talked to my therapist again today... and she told me she thought maybe we should take space apart, and I wasn't ready to make a decision... Foolish belief on my part.

So, throughout this, we maintained minimal contact. Well, we met yesterday for... and ended up talking for a few hours. I yet again, let him brain wash me into believe he's this incredible man. WHEN WILL I EVER LEARN TO FOLLOW MY OWN BELIEFS, AND STOP FALLING FOR IT? I constantly cling to all these lovely things he's done for me, and fall prey to his kind, loving words.

Today, we talked a little. Yes, we said we missed each other, but just decided it'd be best to keep distance and not make any decisions regarding us.

WELL, BEING THE INSECURE PERSON I AM.. I was googling his name. I ended up on his myspace, then to his sisters, then to his ex's. I saw a blog she posted three years ago (time frame doesn't match his stories either) and she referred to him as her 'fiance'. He swore he'd never been engaged before (not that I would have even cared). I flipped... so being the crazy, psychotic, bi-polar person that I am.. I sent him messages blowing up on him.

Rather than re-assure me, he calls me and goes insane on me. He yells at me, calling me all kinds of names, blah blah blah. I then get the usual, F you, F you. So, he says he's done.

Well this time, I freaking BLOCKED his number. I didn't do it before, because I guess like always I clung to hope. I'm too damn scared to be alone, okay. I know what everyone's thinking. I know I'm a fool. I'm ashamed and embarrassed to admit, but he's so hard to let go of.

He swore up and down he wasn't engaged, and said I deserved what I just got, because I was snooping and looking for stuff. Maybe he's right - but I didn't deserve his mistreatment. He was happy to say good-bye to me. This is nothing new.

I feel like an idiot, YET AGAIN... To tell myself lies, that maybe he'd change, or if I did this differently, we could get it right. I know I was in the wrong searching, but I swear, everytime I do, I FIND SOMETHING INCONSISTENT WITH WHAT HE'S TOLD ME... So, it's hard not to. Here I was, going to therapy and thinking of all the ways I could make this work with him. Why?? He's not going to change a thing. He just laughed - said he was done with me. How many times have I heard this? How many times has he come crawling back. Myself, too.

If the situation were reversed, and the accusations weren't true - I'd of calmy reassured him. He can't do the same for me. Whether it's true or not - he didn't need to react that way. However, it makes me feel like he is guilty.

I shouldn't even dwell. It's one o'clock in the morning, and now i can't sleep. I'm so damn worked up. On top of it all, I had a great day! A wonderful day.

Work went well, therapy was good. I came home and cleaned. It was all so perfect.. until, I went snooping on google. You'd think I'd learn one of these days...

Jenny1232

On top of that.. I actually was thinking I would be accepting of his drinking. He basically said in more or less words - that he wouldn't stop drinking, but he didn't need it. I know what that means. I feel so incredibly foolish.

I don't want this man.. and his drinking problems. His anger problems. His abuse problems.

praiseHim

Been there done that I hate those feelings and hate even worse when I give into them. Then I look like the fool, instead of him. Totally know the feelings you are having. Good for you to block his number. I miss being held and want my needs taken care of too. I try to talk to others, get on here, talk to my alanon group, pray, or read my Bible or a book when I have these feelings and just take one day at a time. :ghug3Hope that you have a better day tomorrow.

TakingCharge999

Hi Jenn, I get many of those feelings.
Sometimes I fall for it AGAIN even if it is just a smiling picture of him I encounter randomly.
But you know what,

we can "let them" drink
we can "let them" be "right"
we can LET THEM GO.

And the sun keeps shining for us..... sometimes anger propels us forward!

nodaybut2day

Jenny, I think you need to go out and meet "Bob". I've often let my "needs" lead the way, instead of my brains, and it's gotten me into loads of trouble. Now I have "Bob", so I head off any needs-related problems before they get out of hand

This is a tricky one, and I so understand the need to be held, but this is a time to run to your friends, to your family, or heck, get a pet, or a mushy blanket + some good junk food + a great movie, but don't run to him! You already know WAY in advance what that's going to lead to: MAAAAAAAADDDDDNEEESSSSS.

Don't beat yourself up. You learned something valuable from this instance. Be kind to yourself and remember that you're making progress.

Jenny1232

If only I could meet "Bob", but it kind of goes against my beliefs.. I once went two years without sex, because I thought I didn't "deserve" it. I just don't have it in me, to meet "Bob".

Well, I've got three dogs already... and a huge flat screen tv.. and tons of dvds.. They don't do it for me - but, friends do! Thank god, I've got that!

It's nice to know I'm not the only one who's given in. I feel very ashamed.. and certainly like a big idiot...

nodaybut2day

I just thought that giving yourself permission to address your needs safely and by yourself would be healthier for your sense of self-esteem that the feeling of self-depreciation you're experiencing after going back to him to address those same needs. I'm a firm believer that if we deny our basic needs for intimacy/human contact/love, as well as artistic expression in whatever form, they come roaring back to life at the worst of times and in the presence of the most toxic people who live to prey on our weaknesses. Just something to consider

Jenny1232

Thanks It's the perfectionist in me.. I just have to be perfect, and meeting bob would make me feel like, less than.

It's something I should work through, as well. To stop being so UPTIGHT. You're right - it is a basic, human need!

Kittyboo

Jenny,
I also agree that we have basic needs....and some ways that some choose to fullfill them, that works for them, fantastic!

Personally, I wouldn't say that going out and meeting "Bob" is against my beliefs, hey if it works!, but it is not something that I want to do.
I have been there and done that, and it never worked for me. I don't enjoy it when there isn't truly a connection, so I find that for the thing that I want to do is wait, for that, until it really feels right.
The reason being is that for so long I have felt that is all men want from me anyway, so now, it's precious to me, and if you want it....you have to work for it....hard!
There is nothing wrong with either option. It just depends on what feels right for you.

I don't think it's about being uptight.

nodaybut2day

Hmm, perhaps I should have been more blunt, and just said "going to buy a boyfriend on batteries" instead of "going out and meeting BOB" Way cheaper than an actual date, and you can't catch STIs from one. Sorry for being crass, but hey, one does have to be practical.

Kittyboo

OMG, LOL..... I was going to say something about meeting Duracell....but I didn't want to go there, I thought that was too crass! hahaha... funny how we all interpret things

LaTeeDa

I agree with Kitty. It's not necessarily about being uptight. I was 43 when I finally decided "Bob" is okay for me.

A big part of my personal growth has been the ability to question my beliefs. Where did they come from? What purpose do they serve? Do they enhance my life or bring me down? Do I use them as an excuse?

I'll use a less intimate example, lol. For the longest time, I believed that marriage was forever, till death do us part. Even though my marriage was nearly destroying me, I would not consider divorce. Why? That's what I had to examine. As it turns out, my "belief" wasn't so much about the sanctity of holy matrimony as it was about my self-worth. I associated divorce with failure, and therefore staying in my marriage was about how successful I was. When I took this belief out and examined it in the light of day, I found that it was no longer serving me well. I had adopted it in order to feel better about myself, but the result was making me feel like dog doo. So I let it go.

This is what is meant by "working on yourself." It's sometimes difficult and painful, and it requires a determination to be brutally honest with yourself, but it is oh so worth it.

Maybe you could explore this belief of yours with your therapist and decide if it's serving you well or not.

L

Jenny1232

LOL, thanks for the laugh guys

LTD,
I like what you mention about your beliefs. I wish I could think to 'challenge' them naturally, but it never crosses your mind. I guess my beliefs, just hold me back from living the life I want. I need to realize a way to discard negative beliefs, and turn them into something positive. I feel like there is something always wrong with me. I think I'm some sort of, mental illness hypochondriac.

One day I'm BPD, the next I'm Bi-polar, a codependent, paranoid, and all that follows. What if I'm none of them? What if I am simply, normal? I don't think so... I really feel like I will never meet anyone.. who can accept my perpetual flaws...

Jenny1232

Oh, well really, I'm not interested in "the next guy" - I do not want him! I like the idea of being single - I'm just scared (because I live in fear) that I will NEVER find the "next guy"....

LaTeeDa

And then what......

Suppose it's true. You never find another guy. What does that mean? What's scary about it?

L

Jenny1232

Well. I want a family. I want kids. I want marriage. I want that one person that I can share my life with.

Maybe it's my dependency. It's what I want... I guess I would then feel like my life is unfulfilled, because I'd never gotten what I wanted...

Jenny1232

lol, 23. Thanks for shifting my perspective... I'm working on it. Slowly, but surely.

LaTeeDa

So, can you see that acting out of fear of not getting what you want actually fulfills that fear. How does going back to the chaos of the alcoholic bring you closer to any of those things? It doesn't. It only sends you farther away from the things you say you want.

L

Jenny1232

Actually, that was my challenge. I lived in fear with him, because I didn't trust him.. so I thought, "maybe I will stop fearing the relationship, and give him another shot". It's like a no-win situation.

BUT, I KNOW.. I JUST KNOW, once I finally moved on from him, I'd be SO relieved.. it's the doing part that gets to me.

LaTeeDa

Huh?

You're talking in circles. You fear him because you don't trust him? But you fear losing him because you fear being alone? And you fear never getting what you want?

You may see this relationship as "your challenge," but I see your challenge as figuring out Jenny. Not only figuring out what you want, but taking right action towards it.

L