RollerDerbyGirl

I just had a pretty difficult conversation with his mom. She really means well, and has been in my same shoes years before when my AF was a baby. His dad sounds like he was a pretty awful drunk and AF has not seen him in years. Luckily, he is blessed to have a wonderful stepfather, that he doesn't consider a "step" father.

Since he told his mom yesterday about me breaking it off, she has been keeping hourly tabs on him and I think he is at his second meeting today. We exchanged a few short text and two long emails. He is asking if I would consider couples counseling. I sent him an email saying that no, that is not an option right now, that we both need to focus on ourselves. For some reason, his mom became quite shocked when I said I was sure that the engagement was off. Even though I think he pretty much told her as much, and we even talked about letting relatives know last night, she seemed to think that that was not a done deal. You see, she is in on the "secret" marriage and I think she would really like to see me stick around or at least wait and see if recovery is gonna stick. I don't know if I have been to the point enough, but I have tried to let him and her know that I don't think it's wise for me to wait in the wings. Once I tell my family everything, they are not going to look kindly on us picking up things, yet AGAIN, after he's been sober for six months to a year. And I don't think that even after a year, I would be able to feel confident. Wouldn't I always be worried that he was going to fall off the wagon??? Wouldn't it alter my lifestyle and social activities pretty drastically when he couldn't be around alcohol that much?

I guess at some point I am to have to talk to his mom less and him too. I am just in this really ugly, sad place where I'm terrified of being with him and terrified of NOT being with him. Ahhhh!!!!! His mom started crying and seemed to get worried about him being by himself where he lives, with no hope of working things out with me, and her being thousands of miles away.

I suppose I am also experiencing some fear that once it comes out of my mouth with my family, I truly can't turn back. I guess that is something I will explore with my therapist. Everyone has so many questions, and I have so few answers for them. But I don't have to give anyone definitives right? I can just explain that I am living day to day and the future will have to take care of itself. Gawd...if this is doing the right thing, why does it feel so awful??

MissFixit

Your recovery is up to you. His recovery is up to him.

Hugs

Pelican

((RDG))

Let go and give them to your HP.

You can't fix him.
You are not his sponsor (AA)

You can't fix his mom.
You are not her sponsor (Alanon)

They need to find their own support systems.

Keep taking care of yourself at this time, you are worth the effort.

RollerDerbyGirl

Thanks guys. I am really trying to focus on that, but letting myself get caught up in all of the questions. What do I tell my family? Should I spend some time with him this summer and see what he's like while in recovery? Pursue counseling on my own while there? Do I tell them the engagement is off for now or that it's over, and then be held to that if I change my mind? I am not doubting my current decision, but I suppose I am doubting how final I want it to be. I do love him very much, but am unsure if I could live my life w/ someone in recovery. And I have seen him so very little since we have been doing the long distance thing for so long. He has told me a lot of lies. This is true. Outside of that, he is never emotionally, verbally abusive to me. He doesn't blame me or yell at me. He said via email that he was glad his mom talked him into turning around yesterday, that that was a bad idea. If we are married on paper, do I owe him a chance to recover? I don't know..I don't know. My darn mind won't turn off and all of these tough questions just seem so much bigger than me. I don't really yet know how to turn it over to my HP.

A good friend is coming through town tomorrow. Her wedding is the week after mine would be. I know she is going to want to ask about wedding plans, see the ring, etc. I'm not ready to divulge the news yet. What do I do???

Thanks again for listening and letting me talk it out, over and over. I hope people won't get sick of me posting, as I'm sure you will be hearing a lot from me.

Jadmack25

Oh hell, what a tangled web.....etc. I don't know what I can say right now, that would be any help to you, my dear.

I will hand it over to God, and pray for you to be given right advice, and the strength to carry it out.

God bless

MissFixit

What does married on paper mean? You are legally married on paper, but with a civil ceremony not a wedding?

RollerDerbyGirl

We got legally married in December. There wasn't a ceremony, really. We were engaged at that point a few months. And my family doesn't know, because my mom would be really hurt and was a little bit suspicious that we would do something like that. That guilt is something I do hae to own.

Thanks for the sound advice Anvil. I will hae to write back more tonight. This keyboard is missing a certain letter and it's driving me nuts.