Disappointed2

I keep seeing in comments that alcoholism is it's own monster and spouses really can't do much until the A hits bottom.
Does that mean I should not have my 4-5 glasses of wine each week? I enjoy them with dinner usually. sometimes I like a margarita.
It would be impossible to rid our home of alcohol, my AH buys his liquor every other day, so my question is this: Does it matter or not if I also have a drink? I go through weeks or months without touching it, or give it up for Lent, or just plain don't want the calories, but I can stop altogether if it's 'not helping' my AH's habit by joining in.
thanks

tpen

It will matter if you stop drinking and start trying to control him. If you don't stop drinking and let all be you will continue to live the life your are currently experiencing.
We are powerless over their alchohol. Pray with him perhaps....

Freedom1990

He's going to drink, regardless of what you do.

Is this what you want out of life?

For a long time, I felt like I didn't deserve any better.

That kind of thinking almost killed me.

coffeedrinker

no, it does not matter if you continue to have your drinks.

if what you mean, is will it help him for you to discontinue drinking, then i would also say no it doesn't.

TakingCharge999

No I don't think you should sacrifice those "joys".

To me its like being on a diet, my partner can have 10 chocolates for dessert if he wishes, I won't have any because I like how I feel when I am fit. It would be ridiculous for me to demand him not to have dessert because I may be "tempted".

IF he is in AA etc it may be a diff story (showing some support about his decision) but if he still drinks and is in denial... not much anyone can do for him,

Hugs

Starburst

When my AH gave up the first time, i never touched or bought Alcohol into our house, in support of him. He was clean for p years and let me tell you all that helped... 3 years ago started again and never told me, i was devastated to find out, i supported him and I wasn't worth the truth.. Don't stop because of him, Alcoholism is a chronic disease, they can't help themselves and nothing we do or dont do makes any difference. take care of you.

KittyP

If he's still drinking then what does it matter? On the other hand if he was to attempt recovery then it makes a difference. My husband's psychologist told me that as long as I don't resent it, it's easier for A's to stay sober when their home is an alcohol free 'safe place.' She also suggested that I don't come home to him while smelling of alcohol or being tipsy.

That said the big fool has not really stopped drinking, so it only makes a difference if they truly, truly want to change. And if they do truly want that change, nothing will stop them. There is no harm in making it easier on them once they are ready for a change but if they are ultimately responsible for themselves.

ksumm77

When my A was in active addiction, I found that if I drank, he would drink. Sometimes, if I did not drink, he did not drink and vice versa. There's no rhyme or reason. I am so disgusted with the disease that I do not even want any part of alcohol even if I do not have a problem with it. I gave up drinking socially a year prior to meeting my A. When I met him I started drinking again to feel comfortable around him when he was drinking. Once I saw his drinking was out of control, I quit social use again and I do not plan on drinking again. With my A being sober now, he tells me that he doesn't mind if I have a glass of wine, etc, but I want to be as supportive as I can and show him that I do not condone any use of alcohol. I know that is probably too much, but it works for me.

Duped

My ex A said that the more I kept bugging her the more she would drink.

So I stopped bugging her.

My ex A said that I needed to stop drinking, that I was the one with the problem.

So I stopped drinking.

She continued to drink anyway.

SoloMio

I was 52 years old before I bought myself a bottle of wine. I never even considered it before because I was raising kids, my AH was doing enough drinking for both of us, and frankly, I just didn't think about it. It wasn't a conscious decision to drink or not drink in front of him.

Now I'm 58, and I buy about 4 bottles of wine a month. I may have a glass of wine with dinner or not. But I don't drink soda or fruit juices and frankly, I really enjoy a glass of wine now and then.

Until about a month ago, I would say I exhibited alcoholic behavior because I didn't want to "encourage" my AH with my casual drinking. I hid the wine. I hid the empty bottles in the bottom of the recycling can. I waited until he left the house and then I'd enjoy my glass of wine.

Then I just said to myself, WHY am I doing this? This is the same crazy stuff HE'S doing! I don't have to justify my own drinking to anyone. He's still drinking, so it's not like I'd be making it difficult for him to NOT drink. But because when we're out he often takes it as an endorsement of his drinking if I order a glass of wine, I figured that I really should not drink in front of him at all.

Well now I say, the heck with that. Let him make his own choices and I'll make mine. Somehow it feels so free to come to that one little decision.

DMC

I struggled with this as well. I grew up in a family where my parents would occasionally have wine with dinner, especially special dinners, or a glass of sherry or brandy afterwards.

So I thought this was pretty normal, and also enjoy my glass of wine with dinner.

When it became apparent that STBXAH was getting out of control, I really struggled with it. Some days, especially bad days at work, it was nice to unwind with a glass or a margarita. When he was in recovery, I stopped buying it, or hid a bottle somewhere. (Yes, I admit it.) Of course it didn't matter, because he had bottles of scotch hidden around too, as he was generally in some form of relapse. Nothing I did really made a difference, although I was trying to be supportive.Sigh.

Now, he's gone, and if I want a glass of wine, or a mojito, or whatever, I have one. Life is SO much simpler. And better.

Catkill23

I would say it sounds like you want people to unwind with alchohol, so enjoy yourself. We don't need people that need to unwind with alchohol for the most part.

posiesperson

I stopped drinking around my ex, didn't have a drink when I went out, etc. It was a sort of "modeling good (codie) behavior" in my case. I didn't resolve it for myself when I was in the relationship.

Nowadays I have totally relaxed about this...I enjoy a drink (one, or less) when I'm out for dinner with a friend. I have often said, "It's so nice to be able to be with another grown-up and have a drink", but it was my issue in the relationship because my ex never asked me to give it up. I did that, and didn't even know that I resented it--one more thing I had given up "for" my relationship.

I agree with DMC, life is simpler now. Whew.

posie

Disappointed2

I need to unwind after mothering three kids and shuttling to many activities everyday. I have a glass of wine before he gets home and then hide the evidence. If I have another I feel like he sees me and then thinks- 'well quit giving me a hard time, you drink too'. Yes, but I know when to stop, and I don't sit on the sofa for four hours unwinding and flicking the tv through twenty channels...
Anyway- you are all wonderful- thanks for the tips. this is a great site, and I feel more and more relieved that I am not going through this 'private hell' alone.