Slow Learner...now what to do?!

Old 05-10-2010, 02:33 PM
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Unhappy Slow Learner...now what to do?!

Well, here I am again. Yet again. It's like banging my head against a wall. It always comes back to this. My story began over 7 years ago. I will give you the condensed version and try to only stick to the current things going on. We both worked at a ski lodge and fell in love. Sometimes I'm not even really sure how we fell in love because despite his affectionate feelings for me when we were alone, he treated me pretty poorly on more than a few occasions. Anyway, flash forward to a few years later. He has gone to rehab, twice, for addiction to crack cocaine. Our living situation has been all over the place since I have moved around a lot, and his job required him to be away for five months of every year. We got back just about 2 years ago this last time. (2 years?!!...where does it go??) There was a fairly big chunk there in the middle when we were not "officially" together. I even dated another man at one point (disaster), however we have always maintained contact. He joined the army and served in Iraq. He returned last September and we got engaged in November. We got back together after he joined the army and got out of basic. His drinking reared it's ugly head again (and all of the lies that go with it) and I almost ended it again. Then I went to see him, got carried away, and decided to stick it out. A few months later, before he was to deploy, I met someone else (briefly) and ended it very abruptly. Most of this is all from a distance as well, and I'm sorry if my story is rather disjointed. I was too scared of waiting out his deployment and just very unsure of my life's direction in general. Then his deployment happened and somehow, we managed to reunite from afar. I suppose all of his letters were a big part of it, but the even bigger part of it, was probably fact that while he was in Iraq, there were no opportunities to get drunk and lie to me. A false sense of safety.

Engagement up to now: He returns from Iraq, seems like a much more grown up, responsible person, all buffed up and much more confident. I foolishly think, well...maybe we're going to make it after all. Our love is going to endure. We are going to be different. My subconscious is screaming other things, but I'm still going along with the other voice. Or was. In the last few months since we got engaged, here is the laundry list of all that's occurred:

* He convinced me to get married on paper while seeing his family over Christmas. My family does not know. It seemed like a good idea at the time. His family was very excited about it. We were already engaged after all, and the military extends some pretty huge benefits if you are married. Mind you, I am no spring chicken at 33 yrs old and not even really all that naive, although as I'm typing this - it definitely sounds like it.
* I find out that for almost three months he thought he had some sort of STD and did not tell me. And yes, we had been intimate a number of times. He swears it was from someone he was with before deployment, which would mean there was an almost 15 month gap between being w/ that someone else and symptoms. ??? Fishy???
* In the 800th argument about trust, he remarks to me that certainly I had been unfaithful to him during all that time we were apart. Since I didn't want to be a hypocrite, I came clean about messing around w/ someone before his deployment, once. I broke up with him after this indiscretion because I knew it was wrong, and I knew it meant that I did not need to be in the relationship. Now why I got back together with him a couple of months later is beyond me. Two weeks after admitting this and professing many apologies, I get a text from him that was intended for another woman. He had been exchanging texts and a phone call, and was requesting a pic. ?!!! He claims that he just still doesn't really know how to process his feelings and that ever since I admitted my indiscretion (from 15 mos prior and PRE-marriage/engagement) that it was his way of acting out, and that he was "glad" that he got caught.
* He managed to spend $1200 in two weeks (NO BILLS) and another $1000 or so the following two weeks. He never seems to know where the money goes, although I see his bank account. Bars, restaurants, liquor store, porn...
* He goes out to the bars w/ his couple friends, they go home, and he stays at the bars even though he had promised me he wouldn't. He proceeds to get wasted, ignores my calls while I obsessively worry and almost have a mental breakdown, or so it feels like. He calls at 2:30 am and is hanging out w/ some other drunks on the downtown street. He yells at me that he is alone, and I hear some guy in the back, "Dude, you want me to talk to her?!"
* He swears that going downtown is his problem and stayed home this weekend. I call him last night after he played golf alone, and he sounds pretty loopy, if not drunk. I see that he spent $26 at the liquor store. $26 for one person is an awful lot!

Now I am in a huge quandary, what to do....what to do. You see, the thing is, I am supposed to finally move out of state to be with him. He is already living in our rent house and counting the days until my arrival. We have a wedding date for next October. I resigned from my teaching job. And now I have three more weeks or less in my hometown, which I love. I have finally settled down and stopped moving around. I have had a stable job teaching. I have amazing friends and support here. I have a very full life here. And now I'm supposed to leave it, for someone I love, but don't trust...hardly at all.

So if you have any input at all, I would love to hear it. I have been to this forum many times in the past, but it's been a while. I suppose I didn't want to see the writing on the wall and now I feel like I can no longer avoid it. I am going to try and get to an Al-Anon meeting this week. I have already been making a move on getting a job back at my school district, so that way I can "visit" this summer and then come back here. But do I even visit or will that put me back where I was? Enjoying the honeymoon period and avoiding reality? I have been experiencing such extreme anxiety over all of this, having nightmares and losing sleep. And I am very laid back person, however, this relationship makes me very anxious. I do love him and want the best for him, but not more than I love myself and want the best for me. I don't want to look over my shoulder at every hint of trouble and feel so insecure in a relationship, but I'm also SCARED TO DEATH of all that I will have to go through to end it...again. It is really hard to not worry about what everyone will say, of course. I'm so exhausted about constantly fretting over my future. And the ugly truth it, even if he did get sober, I do not want to be with someone that doesn't drink at all either. I know that might sound terrible to some, but it is what it is. Sometimes I just can't believe I've managed to make such a mess of things, yet again. Talk about the definition of insanity... I have tried to distance myself from him so many times. Quite a few people think of me as so strong and independent, and boy, you wouldn't think that in this scenario. Do I even need to tell you that my Dad is an alcoholic??

Thanks so much for listening and taking all of this in. There are some really amazing people on this site, and some very wise ones at that. I just can't believe how much I see my own story in other people's posts and how much power there is in that, and clarity.
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Old 05-10-2010, 02:40 PM
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What is a marriage on paper? It's not legal or binding is it? My advice is to RUN, RUN, RUN from this man. It doesn't sound like you love this man, it sounds more like you are addicted to him and his chaos. It is impossible to have a healthy relationship with someone you cannot trust. Maybe you need to spend some time with just yourself figuring out what you truly want. Sounds like you have bounced from one man to another for quite a while and that in itself is not healthy. Marriage between the two of you just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
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Old 05-10-2010, 03:11 PM
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I'm guessing "married on paper" means they went to the court-house but didn't have a wedding: IE, this is a legally binding marriage.

IF I am right about this, it's time for a divorce.

This is as good as it's going to get with him.
It can get much, much worse.
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Old 05-10-2010, 08:23 PM
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I appreciate your responses. Yes, unfortunately it is legally binding. I just spent the evening with two of my best friends. They did a lot of listening, most of which they've already heard. I am so fortunate to have these people in my life. I find it odd that my fiance (I'm sorry...legal or not, I do not refer to my husband. Denial, maybe. But I am not calling him that.) does not have people like this in his life. I think it's telling the relationships he has in his life, and lack thereof. His sister is extremely dysfunctional and I'm starting to wonder a bit about some other family members as well. Anyway, my roommate has offered to go to meetings with me and said my place here at the house will be available no matter what I decide. The fiance (AF?) is picking up that I'm acting differently and I don't know how to play it for now. If I tell him already that I might just be "visiting" for the summer and am looking to keep my job here, I feel like he will be on his best behavior to deter me and prove me wrong. He comes here in 2 1/2 weeks, a one way ticket and I was originally supposed to pack up and move back with him. I don't want to blindside him either. Being blindsided is a terrible thing to do to someone. Of course he is telling me just how much he misses me and that once we see each other again, all will be right in the world again. But now I'm on this path again, eyes wide open, and it's hard to go back. The sentiments creep in so cunningly though. You get all sentimental thinking about the past and possible future. And I know that's wrong!!! My roommie just went through a really rough breakup last year and she said she felt all of those sentimental pangs too but that once it was over, she felt free.

Counselor's appointment in a week. Al-anon this week. I guess I will just try to keep him at bay for now. Every weekend it's usually something, so I guess I will continue to let him make his own bed. Do I let his mom in on some of this so that I am not carrying so much of this burden?? I feel like I always have to answer to everyone and he never does. I do all of the explaining.

Suki, in response, and I don't mean to sound defensive although I probably will. Yes, I had two other short term relationships in the last 2 1/2 years. One was just a short infatuation with a guy I had met and felt safe with at a festival. We mostly just talked for a month and then I went to see him and quickly realized that I wasn't into him. Another man I dated for 2-3 months and broke up with when he was treating me so poorly. This relationship has been the only serious one of the last 7+ years and I have been apart from him for probably more than half of it. I have definitely spent a lot of time by myself, traveling and moving all over. But I do realize that even though I have been alone, I was still emotionally entangled with my fiance for the the majority of it. I understand what you are saying, and I agree.

Why am I so worried about breaking his heart and ruining his world, when he has done so much of that to me??? I want to NOT feel sorry for him!!! How does he manage to downplay the STD issue too??? I should've taken that moment to call it quits. Am I really going to be able to gather enough strength to break it off this summer? I do understand how much worse it can be. That is my main motivating factor.
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Old 05-10-2010, 08:59 PM
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Well, I feel a little out of sorts just reading about the drama.

It sounds as if commitment does not come easily for either one of you. I don't think you guys are prepared for marriage at this point - even if each other is the love of your life.

I do think Anvilhead nailed it on the head - a few times.
You said you are in a quandary, but I'm not really clear as to why. I do not read between the lines respect, deep love, friendship. What is it that has you wondering about what to do? That his family is thrilled?

Just feeding some stuff back - sometimes it helps to clarify things.
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Old 05-10-2010, 10:11 PM
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Wow, so many red flags!!! Try to see it for what it is and not fantasize about how it could be. When I married my AH there were a lot of red flags, but I ignored them all - minimalized, denied and fantasized about our life together. Things got worse and worse and worse, up to the point where I ended up going absolutely crazy - I moved out a little over a month ago after being married for only a little over a year! And I'm struggling - to say the least!

What is it that you love about him? Is he really the man you want to spend the rest of your life with, giving his current behavior (is this the kind of behavior you are looking for in a spouse)? Maybe it would help if you'd make a list of what you would want your marriage to look like and the kind of characteristics you would want to see in your spouse (be specific) and then make a list of all the things your AF (or AH) brings to the table (not what he could do - not his potential - but what he's actually showing you right now - make sure you're honest). Then see if the two lists match. Chances are they won't - because I doubt that if you were to think about a happy marriage you'd say I want a marriage where there's no trust, my spouse lies and cheats (i.e. STD) on me, tries to manipulate and control me, etc.

"Why am I so worried about breaking his heart and ruining his world, when he has done so much of that to me??? I want to NOT feel sorry for him!!!"

I had to get really, really, really angry at AH before I could stop feeling sorry for him (and even now, I have moments where I'm thinking "but he's lonely and just needs someone to love and care about him, and I'm a cold-hearted btch for walking out" and then I remind myself - he chose to drink, even though he knew it would break us apart, he chose to treat me badly, he chose to cheat - me leaving is a consequence of his actions. Maybe keep reminding yourself of all the things he's already done to you - there's no need to feel sorry for him - you leaving him is a natural consequence to his disrespectful behavior. He would be getting what he asked for.

"How does he manage to downplay the STD issue too??? I should've taken that moment to call it quits."

Because he can - I'm sure this is not the first time he's lied and you're still by his side. BTW it's never too late to change your mind - just because you didn't leave him the moment you found out, doesn't mean you can't leave him now because of it. This is a major issue, and if you don't feel 100%comfortable and happy with the way your marriage/ relationship is now, you don't have to stay in it! A friend of mine was only married for a few months, she soon realized that this just wasn't right for her (her husband wasn't an alcoholic, they just were too different and it wasn't working at all for her) - so they divorced. Sometimes it just doesn't work - if two people have different ideas of what a marriage should look like then marrying probably isn't the best thing to do. Have you figured out what it is you want out of a marriage, and what is it your AF wants out of a marriage (again try to be specific).

Sorry if I'm rambling a bit... just wrote down whatever came to mind! I wish you all the best... and no matter what you decide to do, get support and try to not get blindsided by his words (look at his actions!)!!!
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Old 05-10-2010, 10:21 PM
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Leave like a bat out of hell.
I get the feeling of being as blind as a bat repeating the same story over and over.
Men like that can harm you a great deal without batting an eyelash.
People can think you have bats in your belfry - who cares, no one has walked in your shoes.
Fast forward life with a jerk and you'll become and old bat in no time. And bats are for the Congress bridge only.
I say after this is over you can go celebrate with your great friends in Ruths, and buy yourself something nice from Nordstrom.
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Old 05-10-2010, 11:05 PM
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hi rollerderbygirl-

perhaps your sleeplessness and anxiety are signs that you already know the answer to your own dilemna?

and i ask, what is the rush? if you don't feel comfortable leaving your hometown and going to live with him, then you certainly don't have to! if you don't feel comfortable getting married in october, then you don't have to.

people are allowed to change their mind.

it would seem reasonable to me that you should be able to communicate your reservations to the man you are about to become partners with. if you can not, then that would be something to look at.

you could say something like:

"AF, i've decided to stay here for now because i have concerns about being dependent on you since you have a drinking problem, a cocaine problem, a lying problem and you gave me an std. these are all big deals to me and i need some time to go to therapy and look at these things".

now, a reasonable person would understand this, as it is a huge list of very serious things. one of these things alone would be enough for many people to walk.

however, our alcoholics tend to minimize everything or pretend it didn't happen at all and that we are the crazy ones for being bothered by these things.

you are in a good position, that you are settled, not living with him and don't have any children to him.

if you go and live with him, it will probably be much harder to get clear of him when he does the next thing to break your trust.

i agree with everyone here. run. and run now while you can do so with minimal damage to your life.

you are on the right track with therapy and alanon. why not take this time now to explore these issues with your group and your therapist?

naive
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Old 05-11-2010, 05:46 AM
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Same old, same old

This is your post from July 2008:
Originally Posted by RollerDerbyGirl View Post
We have been on/off for over 5 years now. Much of that time has been spent apart, since his job took him away for almost 5 months of the year, and we have broken up a lot too. Even during our break up times, typically speaking, we maintained pretty heavy communication. His using background, in a nutshell, he was hooked on crack cocaine for a while, and went to rehab twice. He lived in a sober living house for about 4 months the second time after rehab. He picked up drinking again after rehab, although not sure on that timeline because we weren't really speaking. Then, after deciding that he really didn't have a whole lot of options, and coming from a military family, he decided to join the army. I was pretty devastated at first. While he was in basic (and I had FINALLY started dating someone else..the 1st person since he and I met in '02), he was writing me letters, these beautiful letters. And I wrote him back. I love writing letters. Meanwhile, the things with the guy I was dating did not work out (hmm...funny...he was an addict too...gee). I started to fall in love w/ my A all over again. I went and saw him graduate after not having seen him in 10 months and after exchanging many passionate letters. I mean, here he was, sober...while in basic, and doing extremely well. We spent two weeks together after basic, very much in love. But that doesn't mean trouble free right?

We were celebrating a friend's b'day one night, having beers at bowling alley, and he offers everyone shots, for friend's b'day. I was like, no, no, no...none of that. Maybe at home (trying to make others comfortable and not make it a drinking issue with my A), I said. I whispered too him away from others, please, please, do not take a shot. He had only been drinking beer and while I'm not even crazy about that, at least it's more manageable than hard liquor. Yes, this is so co-dependent of me I guess. So he goes off to get a pitcher for everyone in the bar. I follow him about a minute later, because I KNOW that he is going to go ahead and order a shot for himself. And he did. And I was pissed. And he felt horrible. Same old story, different day. Then the next week, at his parents' house, he comes to give me a good morning kiss at 9 a.m. or so, and there's alcohol on his breath. Yay...drinking at 9 in the morning. Grrrreat. I take two hours to get up the courage to ask him about it, finally do, and then of course it goes horribly and he acts like that is a preposterous idea. He later admits that yes, he had been drinking. When I pressed why, claiming to want to understand him, he said he really likes the feeling of a buzz.

How I view our relationship and his behaviors seems entirely dependent on my perspective. Wait no, does that sound right? I mean, if I'm mad at him and things are not going well, I think, what....am I crazy? This will never work and he can be a real scoundrel. Then, if things are going well, I think....gosh, I can't imagine loving anyone more than him and he has made a lot of improvement. So I guess that is perception really. And I just want the truth, not my version of it according to my emotions at the time.

Let me get back on track here. After those two weeks together, he shows up to his new military assignment, and I go back to my life, and we continue our relationship over the phone. Time and time again, the lies. Me trying to keep a short leash. Him trying to convince me that he is not an alcoholic. He would go out with friends and just stop answering my calls, and then tell me he fell asleep or that the phone died. Repeatedly, these stupid lies that were so obvious. :wtf2

So I started to back away, emotionally, again. And then he would warm his way back in. And then I would back away after another weekend of lies. Then he would warm his way back in. You get the picture right? Well, when I finally decided that things were a bust and that he could not be trusted, I went to see him at his new military post. Yes, I know. Why would I go see him? Well, I just moved to Hawaii and figured it was my last chance to see him before his deployment in October. I had just driven 1453 miles (I was driving my car home and his unit was sort of on the way....just so you don't think I drove 1453 miles ONLY to see him) that weekend and all weekend his behavior was the same: going out with his buddies at night, and then lying to me, treating me like a fool saying that he fell asleep and acting like I'm the crazy one. When I was only a few hours away, and debating turning south and not going to see him at all, I was yelling at him saying that I would come see him (he was begging practically), but that after Kansas we would not speak.

Flash forward one week - we had this amazing week (even though I was sick and we stayed at a Super 8) and I was all gushy in love again. ?!? Then I leave for Hawaii and we start talking about getting married, because he gave me a ring while I was visiting but technically didn't ask since he figured I'd say no. We were discussing getting married in September of THIS year, before he deploys in October. He even called and got the blessing from my Dad. I haven't talked to my Mom or any friends about it, just my brother and his wife. Then the day he called and asked my Dad, we talked that night and I could tell he had been drinking. It was a Tuesday night. I was trying to communicate some of my feelings, and he started getting defensive and that weird tone of voice, like he always does after a few beverages. I said I did not want to talk about it just then since he'd been drinking and we hung up, him probably feeling all bitter. Then he sent me a text saying he was going to bed and did not call me (like he does religiously when sober) and did not answer texts. He was shutting me out. Which never feels good.

So here I am again, wondering if this relationship is a good idea or not. I love him fiercely, no doubt. It has been over 5 years now, and the affection has not abated. But I do not trust him. And I constantly seem to keep him on short leash to monitor his behavior. In some ways, yes, he has made improvements. But for how long? And how will he be after returning from Iraq? Am I just going to marry another version of my father, who is an alcoholic? How much will the situation decompose? What if I'm breastfeeding and trying to smell his breath simultaneously? There is so much FEAR on my part of the future. But I also fear my future w/o him in it. There are many beautiful things about us also that are hard to ignore. And he is a good man, very much so, one that loves me unconditionally. Then there is the fact that he is going to war. What if something happens and I regret breaking it off with him?

I can:
1) marry him in September and then he is gone for a year
2) not marry him but stay engaged and see how things go
3) break it off altogether and try to move on....again
4) stay together and work on things and leave marriage out of it for now

I feel like to marry a using alcoholic would be ridiculous. Right? No matter how much I love him and vice versa? And how can he commit himself to being sober when he is about to deploy? Do I need to break free of him completely and try to see others? And how do you not be there for someone you love while they are at war? Ergg....this is so complicated!!! So any insight would be very helpful.

I am going to attend an Al-Anon meeting tonight. I don't know what to say to him in the meantime. I am so sick of empty promises, false optimism, and him always pretending that everything's fine. Addicts don't really live in reality right?

Thanks for listening.

This is some of the advise you received:
Originally Posted by FormerDoormat View Post
I think you already know the answer; that's why you're posting here. From what you described, this has been a troubled relationship from the start. It would be a serious mistake to marry this man. It's relatively easy to end an unhealthy relationship when marriage isn't involved. It's much more time-consuming, difficult, costly, and emotionally draining to end a marriage.

Your boyfriend sent those love letters with one goal in mind: to manipulate you into taking care of him for the rest of his life so he can continue his current drinking pattern for life.

No one deserves a life like this. Especially you.
Originally Posted by prodigal View Post
.... and he was quick to pop the question when he knew he was within weeks of getting his orders to go to Iraq.

We, too, had a relationship that endured a lot of separations. He was living 100 miles away for the first year of a two-year deployment. I only saw him on weekends. A lot of our relationship was built around emails and phone calls.

As a codependent, THIS WAS THE "HOOK" FOR ME: Being together and then quickly having to say goodbye again. It added to the drama and romance.

It also allowed me to fantasize about the man I thought he was.
It also allowed me to anticipate his coming home for the weekend.
It also allowed him to keep me in the dark as to how much he drank.
It also allowed him to obscure certain unsavory character traits.

I married the man. We did not have the traditional military wedding, but he was in full mess dress. Dashing, handsome, and a total fake.

I've been there. I was swept off my feet my a handsome Army officer who treated me like his princess.

Unfortunately, the marriage was/is NO FAIRY TALE - UNLESS YOU WANT TO TITLE IT "GRIMMS FAIRY TALES," 'cause it got really, really grim.

Please seriously reconsider marrying this man. You are in for more heartache than you can imagine. And all that romance will tarnish quickly once he puts a ring on your finger.
Now you are legally married to your Alcoholic.
One of the benefits is that he gets a higher rate of pay to support his new spouse. He will have more money to spend on drugs and alcohol.

You are here after-the-fact of legally marrying your A and want advise?

My advise is Lawyer Up.
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Old 05-11-2010, 06:15 AM
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Oh boy what a mess. After all his bad behavior, you legally marry him, and he is expecting you to leave your job, family and friends etc, and move away to where he is. No job, no friends, just him, the man who has lied and cheated before, and drinks like a fish.

The man who talks you into a civil wedding without you family even knowing about it?
As a mum, let me tell you now....he would be safer with the Taliban than me, if you were my daughter and he had done me out of the wedding. The fancy do in October will be a fancy do...not the real thing....you had that already.

He sounds like he is desperate to have you with him, all tird up and unable to escape from him.....and girl, that scares the dickens out of me.

I would be seeing a lawyer, and telly "hubby" that I am staying where I am, and I would be telling him why I have concerns about a life with him.

God bless
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Old 05-11-2010, 08:11 AM
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Wow, it was very powerful to go back and read what I wrote two years ago. Two years already!! Thanks for posting that. I really needed to hear it. As a codie, it's so scary how you can kind of compartmentalize things and make excuses for them, and let them convince you that these behaviors aren't as big of a deal as they really are. But then, when you really type it all out and make your case to others, especially people like yourselves who are so familiar with this behavior and how truly unacceptable it is, things become so much more black and white.

I am currently trying to re-secure a job here in my district. I have been very distant with him ever since I talked to him Sunday night and he was fairly drunk. He is picking up on it and asked why I was so distant this morning. He is sensing it, big time. Of course, he called again this morning to tell me that he is trying to quit smoking/dipping again. It's like he just knows...oh, she's kinda mad at me so I'd better make myself look good.

I suppose the immediate issue right now is how to tell him and what to do about his trip here, in two weeks!!! Is it ironic that the first time we were going to truly reunite (move in together) and not have to just spend a couple of weeks together is the time that now I need to break it off?? He is going to be devastated. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to handle that. I am hoping that my therapist (whom I've only met with once so far) will help with that. Do I even have him come here? He is supposed to fly in and then we are going to spend five days with my family. Then he thinks we are packing up and driving to where he lives, two states away. Do I tell him now, or wait until after the family trip??? It almost makes me physically ill when I think about breaking it to him. I need to use the "one day at a time" mantra right now and not anticipate I guess.

Jadmack, it is interesting to hear your perspective as a mother. Yes, my mom would be extremely hurt and upset if she were to find out. I think she was even a little suspicious beforehand that we would do something like that. And there I went and did it anyway, getting married to him "on paper" while visiting his family for Christmas. His mom was all for it, which I found kind of odd. Sometimes it seems like she tries to downplay her sons actions to protect him and keep me around. I don't know. That's a whole other dynamic to ponder.
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Old 05-11-2010, 10:03 AM
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You can't stay with someone because you're worried about their response to your breaking it off. But, just so you know, I was physically ill at the thought of ending it with my aexbf before I did: It was awful. I knew it would devastate him and I really didn't want to hurt him, but knew I had to do it so I did. It was every bit as nasty as I expected, and I am totally glad I did it anyway. I think it's the first self respecting, non-cowardly thing I did in that relationship in years.

One other thing: My SO was away when I broke up with him. He was also scheduled to return back to our home at the time I did it. I broke up with him over the phone after a 9 year relationship because the idea of having him come home expecting some great re-union while I was planning our breakup was just to uncomfortable. Also, the distance minimized the opportunities for his creating drama. Finally, I had made the choice to end it, and didn't want to mislead him for the time between when I decided and when he returned home. I don't know if any of these reasons "ring true" in your case, but that was my thinking on it.
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Old 05-11-2010, 10:44 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
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I agree with snowhite. It would be better for everyone if you did it before he made the trip and spent time with your family. Less drama that way, too.
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Old 05-11-2010, 11:09 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Inhale, Exhale, Repeat
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Another baby step

I just went and let my principal know of my desire to stay. She was quite shocked and her reaction made me tear up while in her office, which was embarrassing. And to think I am making all of these moves and he doesn't even know. Now I am taking all these stops to try and secure a job, which basically feel like begging to get a job in my own district. It's very humbling. And scary, did I mention scary?!!

Tentatively I will be disclosing this weekend. I am already hashing out a letter in my mind and plan on really focusing on how I have not set boundaries for myself and now it's time to do so. He's gonna lose it.

Now I just need to wipe the tears away and make it through this afternoon with my schoolkids. Thanks for all of the support. Snowhite, thanks for relaying your situation as well. So similar...and yet you still feel glad you did it. RIght now I feel anything but glad, just the anxiety..the almost constant anxiety that seems to come from being with this man, who can be suuuuch a sweetheart and yet tells me these lies, lies, lies. Like you guys said, you're only as sick as your secrets. I needed to hear that.
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Old 05-12-2010, 05:29 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Inhale, Exhale, Repeat
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Really trying to see things for what they are

Most of today, and this whole week for that matter, I have been gripped by fear and sadness. At times I feel like a prisoner in my own mind. At work I have just kind of been taking up space this week. I know this will ring true to all of the teachers out there - man, is it hard to teach when your thoughts and emotions are a million miles away!

All of the feelings that have been ruminating in the background for these last few months have finally come to a head. And really, it's been years, not months. After two awful, anxiety-inducing weekends in a row, I just can't ignore my situation any more. The codie in me wants to think that I'm just overreacting, that natural tendency to downplay again at work. After all, he had just gone to play golf on Sunday and he didn't go out this weekend. But being pretty drunk at home alone to me was pretty unacceptable. I talked to my friends about this, and they all seemed to agree. I looked at this bank account later that night, and he had spent $26 at the liquor store that day. $26!! I just recoil when I hear his drunk voice. He's that fake sort of happy that I hate, that like temporary giddy that you know can change in a heartbeat. My dad's like that too. I don't call him in the evenings because that is what he usually sounds like. So I had this instant, almost physical reaction! My armpits start sweating. Heart rate increases. And I become distant, so distant. I'm just going through the motions you know? But my mind is a million miles away. I want to keep him talking a bit though, so that I can "investigate" as to just how drunk he is. He's on to me though. I say, "well, you kinda drunk babe." He responds, "I'm eating." ??!! What the heck does that mean?? Then he says, "well I had a couple of beers." Hmm....I do enjoy some beer myself and I haven't spent $26 at the liquor store unless it's New Years Eve!!! Anyway, my spirits just plummeted. Again. I don't know if it was the straw that broke the camel's back or what, but I can't seem to ignore all of this anymore.

He has picked up on this. He has sensed how distant I am and how gloomy, and now he is just trying to dote on me. It's making it much harder for me, as he intended. First he goes out of his way to tell me he has cut down his tobacco consumption and brough his Commit lozenges to work. Then he called the credit company right away like I asked him to. He is checking up with me via text much more often, seeming much more interested than usual. He chose today of all days to schedule a series of counselor appointments, 11 actually. He sends me a text about how he misses the dog, wishes he could cook dinner for me... Ahhhh!!!!! I did tell him this morning that I was having a hard time and that we needed to talk this weekend. I tried to be straightforward and just said that I was having a rough time, that it had been a tough few months, and I was doing a lot of thinking. I thought it was interesting that he almost instantly said, "Well, does this mean I'm not coming to Texas??" I mean, how did he jump to that already. This trip is one of the immediate concerns. He finally has over two weeks off of work and is supposed to come here in two weeks. I've definitely decided that I'm not going to have him come here and then blindside him or anything, but I am still unsure if I am supposed to call the entire thing off or what. That is what I am sorting through. If he does not come down, then I instantly have to come clean with my family that Mem. Day weekend. But like some of you said, I should be doing that already. I haven't figured out how to go about doing that yet, since I'm still working it out for myself. Again, back to the little codie in me. I am always looking for a way to minimize the pain and anguish of the situation, like, well, I can eventually end things but I should probably at least spend some time with him in June so that he's not that much more upset, alone, and disappointed.

I'm just really struggling to be so strong and acting with conviction when I feel so depressed and overwhelmed. I'm trying to stick to this though, even if for simplicity's sake:
I had boundaries once. Ever since I met him, they have been constantly renegotiated and crossed. I have put up with behaviors that I would tell my friends not to. I have put up with behaviors that if you asked me 10 years ago, I never would have imagined tolerating. I don't trust him. I haven't trusted him for years. He has had every opportunity to earn it back and made other choices. It is very likely he has cheated on me. I caught him talking to another woman already. How does that bode for five years down the road? I need my own recovery in order to not continue making the same mistakes and to gain some clarity. After all, he is one of a few alcoholics in my life counting my dad. I don't think I could forgive myself if we had children together and I exposed them to so much pain, due to my decisions. I need to look at the as is situation, not the could be. (the "could be" is his constant sell) I need to surround myself with people that are healthy in their own relationships and love and respect me. I have a lot of that here....HERE, where I SIT, as I'm typing to you now. I am exhausting myself trying to own his emotions. All damn day, I picture how hurt he'll be, how sad he'll be. Why do his emotions frighten me more than my own?

I guess I will leave it at that for now. I was unable to make a meeting tonight. I just needed some sleep so badly, as I am exhausted. I am going to try again tomorrow night. I have had two friends, and a friend of a friend, even offer to go with me, which means the world to me. My roommate's co-worker is a veteran of all this and she sent her home with the daily meditations book and told my roommate we (AF and I) don't stand a chance unless we both recover. That is what I'm trying to analyze too. Would I want to be with him if he seeks recovery? The answer, sadly, is no. I have seen him go through that twice and he didn't pursue any of it the minute he left the sober house. He was doing some wonderful growing in the process too, so it was sad. So you could say he is in active addiction right now even though he has cut the frequency of his drinking down?? That's what he'll say too is how upset he is, because he is so much better now than he was (because he's not smoking crack). Tonight I will be working on that list, of what I want out of a relationship/marriage, and using it to analyze what I have. Maybe that will be an eye opener too.

Thanks, guys. Have a peaceful evening.
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Old 05-12-2010, 06:13 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Inhale, Exhale, Repeat
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I am contemplating writing his mom an e-mail to let her in on what's going on. Then I thought, well, maybe I should send the same e-mail to my parents too. Maybe I should send him the same email. Besides three close friends, I have not really let anyone in on what's going on and carrying the burden of what to do all alone is weighing me down. But this way I can get more feedback. ? Is that what I want? I have to be honest here. I don't know if I'm ready to blow the doors off the roof and never see him again. I suppose part of me does still wonder, what will it be like when I'm there with him, in "our" home? Either way, I am not backing off of getting a job secured here and coming back here after the summer. Would he just be on his best behavior all summer or would it give me a chance to let things play out and then be reassured about my decision to leave? I could pursue counseling while I am there, while he does the same. Is this just my fear talking or desire to minimize pain and conflict? I will be pursuing counseling either way, whether I am there or here. I'm having a hard time giving up the dream of spending some quality time with him, given the fact that I've seen him two weeks in six months. What do I do????? Now I know how the addict feels when you are terrified to use, and terrified to not use. That is how I feel right now.
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