I feel I haven't been truthful
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Reality, NJ
Posts: 853
I feel I haven't been truthful
Today I realized that maybe I should face my feelings. At one point I wished I was dead. At a nother point I wanted to run away and never come back and maybe I should have.
After taking some time off work and doing some thinking I have realized I don't want a divorce. Yes I have filed but when it came to serving him I stopped each time. I feel like I havent been honest with myself or this room and I feel badly about this.
I know I cant change my husband. He has done way more wrong to me than anyone should go through. And I feel stupid admitting this but I still love him and I still pray to God on my hands and knees each day to change him. And I think I am crazy for that.
But from now on I will be honest. One day I hope to figure out whatever it is. But I truly miss my husband and pray he gets better.
I am sure some will be angry about this but I don't want to pretend to be something I am not anymore. Truth is he doesnt really want anything to do with me and I suspect someone else is in the picture. I saw him briefly this weekend and I can tell we both still have feelings. This wont go anywhere of course as he still drinks.
This is the real me for now.
After taking some time off work and doing some thinking I have realized I don't want a divorce. Yes I have filed but when it came to serving him I stopped each time. I feel like I havent been honest with myself or this room and I feel badly about this.
I know I cant change my husband. He has done way more wrong to me than anyone should go through. And I feel stupid admitting this but I still love him and I still pray to God on my hands and knees each day to change him. And I think I am crazy for that.
But from now on I will be honest. One day I hope to figure out whatever it is. But I truly miss my husband and pray he gets better.
I am sure some will be angry about this but I don't want to pretend to be something I am not anymore. Truth is he doesnt really want anything to do with me and I suspect someone else is in the picture. I saw him briefly this weekend and I can tell we both still have feelings. This wont go anywhere of course as he still drinks.
This is the real me for now.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Lulu honey, I wouldn't be angry about you lying to me or to anyone in this room, honestly. What angers me is when someone lies to themselves. The way I did for years. If we can't be truthful to ourselves we are still living in denial and we are still at the mercy of an addiction.
I am glad to hear you in your love for your addict even if it is tempered with the reality that you cannot be together unless true sobriety exists. I lost my love for my XABF and yet still stayed. How could I think living with such loathing would encourage him to get help? I don't necessarily relate to those who stay out of love or who yearn to be with their addict because they still love them, but I accept that love is a powerful thing and see many people through things that would never survive on good will alone. It's the reason my family supported me when I came clean to them about my codepedence and were there for me when I left my X.
It is nice to meet the real you, although I believe in my heart it was always you we read of and replied to. I think you have just stepped a little further out of the shadows and we get to see your beauty in the daylight.
Blessings to you! Keep posting!!
Alice
I am glad to hear you in your love for your addict even if it is tempered with the reality that you cannot be together unless true sobriety exists. I lost my love for my XABF and yet still stayed. How could I think living with such loathing would encourage him to get help? I don't necessarily relate to those who stay out of love or who yearn to be with their addict because they still love them, but I accept that love is a powerful thing and see many people through things that would never survive on good will alone. It's the reason my family supported me when I came clean to them about my codepedence and were there for me when I left my X.
It is nice to meet the real you, although I believe in my heart it was always you we read of and replied to. I think you have just stepped a little further out of the shadows and we get to see your beauty in the daylight.
Blessings to you! Keep posting!!
Alice
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Omak WA
Posts: 1,049
Being truthful or being in denial???
Hi lulu & the others following her,
I don't believe we are not being truthful at the time but speaking our feelings that are making us so confused as to what is going on at that particular time.
We filed our divorce papers but did not finalize them until a year later. My H did not want a divorce...he wanted me to quit drinking...I didn't want to quit drinking & finally decided I wanted a divorce.
We both remarried but were not happy. We both divorced our spouses & went about our jobs. We lived across the State from each other & had five children between us.
To make this story short....I sobered up in 1988...went back to college in 1989...& got a BA Degree in Psychology in 1990. I was 50 years old & had one child home still. I got a Mental Health Tech job & with further training worked up to a Geriatric Mental Health Counselor.
My husband was a Social Worker for the Elderly & I was a counselor for the Elderly & after I retired he asked me to marry him again....while we were driving down the highway...if I would let him get the gun he had been looking at. I said yes & I don't care how many more guns you collect for your hobby!!!
from some where in my Heart for all I have done to find a sober life.
I was the sick one in our family with Depression & Alcoholism. He drank & did abuse alcohol once in a while but nothing like I did. I attended AA a full year every day, had a Sponsor, & worked hard at staying sober. I changed a lot of things in my life & it worked.
It took a lot of meetings, sticking with the sober people, helping others wanting sobriety & most of all my wanting sobriety more than anything else in my life at that time.
I wish you all the luck in the world to find where you want to be to keep yourself safe & happy. :ghug3
kelsh
I don't believe we are not being truthful at the time but speaking our feelings that are making us so confused as to what is going on at that particular time.
We filed our divorce papers but did not finalize them until a year later. My H did not want a divorce...he wanted me to quit drinking...I didn't want to quit drinking & finally decided I wanted a divorce.
We both remarried but were not happy. We both divorced our spouses & went about our jobs. We lived across the State from each other & had five children between us.
To make this story short....I sobered up in 1988...went back to college in 1989...& got a BA Degree in Psychology in 1990. I was 50 years old & had one child home still. I got a Mental Health Tech job & with further training worked up to a Geriatric Mental Health Counselor.
My husband was a Social Worker for the Elderly & I was a counselor for the Elderly & after I retired he asked me to marry him again....while we were driving down the highway...if I would let him get the gun he had been looking at. I said yes & I don't care how many more guns you collect for your hobby!!!
from some where in my Heart for all I have done to find a sober life.I was the sick one in our family with Depression & Alcoholism. He drank & did abuse alcohol once in a while but nothing like I did. I attended AA a full year every day, had a Sponsor, & worked hard at staying sober. I changed a lot of things in my life & it worked.
It took a lot of meetings, sticking with the sober people, helping others wanting sobriety & most of all my wanting sobriety more than anything else in my life at that time.
I wish you all the luck in the world to find where you want to be to keep yourself safe & happy. :ghug3
kelsh
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
kelsh,
what a beautiful story. love is powerful indeed, and it warms my heart to hear of others who have stepped out of the shadows of addiction, dishonesty and brokenness, to find themselves, and each other. blessings.
what a beautiful story. love is powerful indeed, and it warms my heart to hear of others who have stepped out of the shadows of addiction, dishonesty and brokenness, to find themselves, and each other. blessings.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 97
Lulu,
I think this is a safe place to learn and share. I really do. I know I, for one, am here because I can't figure out how I feel or how I should act. I know I'm inconsistent, but I'm doing my best.
You just let it all hang out, OK? And take what you like and leave the rest.
1234
I think this is a safe place to learn and share. I really do. I know I, for one, am here because I can't figure out how I feel or how I should act. I know I'm inconsistent, but I'm doing my best.
You just let it all hang out, OK? And take what you like and leave the rest.
1234
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
I believe too, by admitting this to yourself, you've made a great step in your recovery.
I also don't believe there aren't many of us here who have it all figured out.
I certainly don't.
We are all on a difficult quest of making peace between our emotions, truths, needs and realities. It's a proccess, a very hard one too, for all of us.
I've been on this forum for a very long time, mostly when feeling the worse, when overwhelmed with emotions, I'd speak my emotions out and wonderful people here supported me through it. It was usually at the time I wanted to leave my AH. But than everytime for whatever reason I decided I'm not ready to do it, I felt bad like I've cheated on everyone here and I stopped coming here.
Only now I realize how stupid of me it was to think and feel that way. I should have given these people much more credit.
Now I understand, it all came from this idea I had, that I have to have it all figured out, that I have to have my choices validated by everyone and stick by it. I'm working on my need to be validated and I believe I'm getting better each day. Nowdays I even dare posting something that someone maybe even does not want to hear, but not because I was triggered by something and acting on my emotions, but because I feel fine speaking my opinion regardless of what others might think of me.
And also I have grown enough to admitt being wrong about something or deciding I'm not ready to do something I claimed I was.
As to me being truthfull to myself is proving to be one of the most liberating feelings I've ever experienced.
So in my opinion you shouldn't feel bad about it, you should feel great about it
, as I feel very strongly the only way to reach recovery it by being honest to yourself.
I also don't believe there aren't many of us here who have it all figured out.
I certainly don't.
We are all on a difficult quest of making peace between our emotions, truths, needs and realities. It's a proccess, a very hard one too, for all of us.
I've been on this forum for a very long time, mostly when feeling the worse, when overwhelmed with emotions, I'd speak my emotions out and wonderful people here supported me through it. It was usually at the time I wanted to leave my AH. But than everytime for whatever reason I decided I'm not ready to do it, I felt bad like I've cheated on everyone here and I stopped coming here.
Only now I realize how stupid of me it was to think and feel that way. I should have given these people much more credit.
Now I understand, it all came from this idea I had, that I have to have it all figured out, that I have to have my choices validated by everyone and stick by it. I'm working on my need to be validated and I believe I'm getting better each day. Nowdays I even dare posting something that someone maybe even does not want to hear, but not because I was triggered by something and acting on my emotions, but because I feel fine speaking my opinion regardless of what others might think of me.
And also I have grown enough to admitt being wrong about something or deciding I'm not ready to do something I claimed I was.
As to me being truthfull to myself is proving to be one of the most liberating feelings I've ever experienced.
So in my opinion you shouldn't feel bad about it, you should feel great about it
, as I feel very strongly the only way to reach recovery it by being honest to yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
Hi Lulu,
What a great post and thank you all for your honest responses as well. It was a great read for me to see here.
This has been the place that I have been at all along. I felt misunderstood often. I know the disease, I lived with it briefly and then separated myself from him until he figures it out. He did at one point and it was great, but it was only a start and then it fizzled. I am praying for him at least at he figures out what worked at one time.
I too love my husband and do not want a divorce. At least not at this time, and perhaps I will get there in time. In the meant time, I have been on my own and doing better. I come here to fellowship with others going through the process.
Hope for a good, thought tiring return to work this week! Glad you got to this point. Stay in that energy field of love and you be will fine whatever happens.
What a great post and thank you all for your honest responses as well. It was a great read for me to see here.
This has been the place that I have been at all along. I felt misunderstood often. I know the disease, I lived with it briefly and then separated myself from him until he figures it out. He did at one point and it was great, but it was only a start and then it fizzled. I am praying for him at least at he figures out what worked at one time.
I too love my husband and do not want a divorce. At least not at this time, and perhaps I will get there in time. In the meant time, I have been on my own and doing better. I come here to fellowship with others going through the process.
Hope for a good, thought tiring return to work this week! Glad you got to this point. Stay in that energy field of love and you be will fine whatever happens.
Go ask the Multivax
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
Originally Posted by Learn2Live 
I should hope no one will be angry at you LuLu. And you don't have to want to get divorced to be on SR. I hope you are doing well.
To thine own self be true
Can't rush matters of the heart. Just keep pounding away on you without feeling as if you need to make any decisions at this point. Your feelings are important. Can't stuff them down and expect for them to vanish.
You sound great to me. Right on track!!
Just for today....
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Venus
Posts: 118
Lu Lu,
They always say "you will know when you have had enough", and I feel that is sooo true.
I filed for divorce 4 years ago from STBAXH and I cried everyday, I called him everyday, I was miserable. I think I filed for divorce to please the people around me who saw me suffering. I didn't want to look like a coward, but the mere fact of being divorced from AH was devastating to me. So, I called it off.
Now, 4 years later, things have not changed and I know I am ready. I listened to myself this time. I filtered out everyones comments, and took some time to decide what I really needed. This time it has been very easy, because I am very sure that this is what I want.
You don't have to apologize. This is a very confusing time. Do what you need to do for YOU, noone lives your life, noone walks in your shoes.
We are all here to listen and support.
(Hugs)
They always say "you will know when you have had enough", and I feel that is sooo true.
I filed for divorce 4 years ago from STBAXH and I cried everyday, I called him everyday, I was miserable. I think I filed for divorce to please the people around me who saw me suffering. I didn't want to look like a coward, but the mere fact of being divorced from AH was devastating to me. So, I called it off.
Now, 4 years later, things have not changed and I know I am ready. I listened to myself this time. I filtered out everyones comments, and took some time to decide what I really needed. This time it has been very easy, because I am very sure that this is what I want.
You don't have to apologize. This is a very confusing time. Do what you need to do for YOU, noone lives your life, noone walks in your shoes.
We are all here to listen and support.
(Hugs)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Reality, NJ
Posts: 853
Originally Posted by Leise
Hi Lulu- May I ask you why you love him? Have you pinpointed why you feel this way about him?
I'm sorry you are hurting right now..
L
I'm sorry you are hurting right now..
L
Hugs
Lulu
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Reality, NJ
Posts: 853
Originally Posted by anvilhead
I still pray to God on my hands and knees each day to change him.
i think we have to be careful in TELLING God what we believe is the best outcome for anyone should be. Maybe God has other plans for this man...maybe those plans are in play RIGHT NOW....maybe not.
i'd suggest trying a different approach for the next couple of weeks...simply ask that GOD'S WILL, not yours, be done. and then each day adopt an attitude of gratitude for life AS IT IS.........for it could be far far worse.
i think we have to be careful in TELLING God what we believe is the best outcome for anyone should be. Maybe God has other plans for this man...maybe those plans are in play RIGHT NOW....maybe not.
i'd suggest trying a different approach for the next couple of weeks...simply ask that GOD'S WILL, not yours, be done. and then each day adopt an attitude of gratitude for life AS IT IS.........for it could be far far worse.
Hugs
Lulu
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Reality, NJ
Posts: 853
Originally Posted by sesh
I believe too, by admitting this to yourself, you've made a great step in your recovery.
I also don't believe there aren't many of us here who have it all figured out.
I certainly don't.
We are all on a difficult quest of making peace between our emotions, truths, needs and realities. It's a proccess, a very hard one too, for all of us.
I've been on this forum for a very long time, mostly when feeling the worse, when overwhelmed with emotions, I'd speak my emotions out and wonderful people here supported me through it. It was usually at the time I wanted to leave my AH. But than everytime for whatever reason I decided I'm not ready to do it, I felt bad like I've cheated on everyone here and I stopped coming here.
Only now I realize how stupid of me it was to think and feel that way. I should have given these people much more credit.
Now I understand, it all came from this idea I had, that I have to have it all figured out, that I have to have my choices validated by everyone and stick by it. I'm working on my need to be validated and I believe I'm getting better each day. Nowdays I even dare posting something that someone maybe even does not want to hear, but not because I was triggered by something and acting on my emotions, but because I feel fine speaking my opinion regardless of what others might think of me.
And also I have grown enough to admitt being wrong about something or deciding I'm not ready to do something I claimed I was.
As to me being truthfull to myself is proving to be one of the most liberating feelings I've ever experienced.
So in my opinion you shouldn't feel bad about it, you should feel great about it, as I feel very strongly the only way to reach recovery it by being honest to yourself.
I also don't believe there aren't many of us here who have it all figured out.
I certainly don't.
We are all on a difficult quest of making peace between our emotions, truths, needs and realities. It's a proccess, a very hard one too, for all of us.
I've been on this forum for a very long time, mostly when feeling the worse, when overwhelmed with emotions, I'd speak my emotions out and wonderful people here supported me through it. It was usually at the time I wanted to leave my AH. But than everytime for whatever reason I decided I'm not ready to do it, I felt bad like I've cheated on everyone here and I stopped coming here.
Only now I realize how stupid of me it was to think and feel that way. I should have given these people much more credit.
Now I understand, it all came from this idea I had, that I have to have it all figured out, that I have to have my choices validated by everyone and stick by it. I'm working on my need to be validated and I believe I'm getting better each day. Nowdays I even dare posting something that someone maybe even does not want to hear, but not because I was triggered by something and acting on my emotions, but because I feel fine speaking my opinion regardless of what others might think of me.
And also I have grown enough to admitt being wrong about something or deciding I'm not ready to do something I claimed I was.
As to me being truthfull to myself is proving to be one of the most liberating feelings I've ever experienced.
So in my opinion you shouldn't feel bad about it, you should feel great about it
, as I feel very strongly the only way to reach recovery it by being honest to yourself.Thank you..being honest with myself and my heart was the hardest thing I had to do. A part of me wants to be all tough and dump his arse..LOL. But I am not there yet. So I will focus on me and pray and leave this in the hands of my hp. And still keep coming here. Although I may be in the minority of my choice..
Thanks so much for your heartfelt post. I so appreciate it
Hugs
Lulu
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
I am glad for you that you feel unburdened by coming clean. We just won't get anywhere if we aren't being honest with ourselves.
Nobody here is rooting for divorce. In my case, it is the healthier alternative for my children and me. Your situation is clearly different.
keep being honest with yourself and continue to honor yourself and you will make progress in your own journey.
Nobody here is rooting for divorce. In my case, it is the healthier alternative for my children and me. Your situation is clearly different.
keep being honest with yourself and continue to honor yourself and you will make progress in your own journey.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Reality, NJ
Posts: 853
Originally Posted by anvilhead
if the marriage was meant to be, was the addiction also meant to be? i only challenge cuz we can't have it just one way.......either it's all part of the plan, or not.......my point was to consider not asking God to CHANGE your husband, but simply to ask that God's will be done........that's all, i'm not questioning your beliefs......just to caution against thinking we know what's best. we can have faith, but still get our own wishes mixed up in there....i think that's how most of us GOT here!!!!
I am going to refrain because I think we all have to find our own answers. I know you dont mean to challenge me at all. You are looking out for me and I very much appreciate this. Alanon just wasnt working for me. The bible is so I will do them together and see if they help. I just cant think of only myself. I have tried to change that for 7 months and nothing. I feel like a big dummy. I care about others. I think I learned to let go. But I cant let go of my faith.. Priests have said things to me as well. I just opened the bible one day and went to work. I find peace now. Thanks so much for caring.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 534
I don't think you have to get a divorce to start taking care of yourself. I mean, what if he gets sober? What if he gets healthy? Will things work out between you if you're not healthy at that point? If you truly believe in your marriage, and you truly believe things will work out, then start the work to make yourself a healthy person who can offer something to a healthy marriage.
I don't think you have to get a divorce, ever, if you don't want to.
I also believe in God, and believe in marriage, and I was staying for the long haul. But God had other plans for me, that I still to this day sometimes fight against. My husband left me, and I now see that as God stepping in and doing something for me that I couldn't do for myself. I do still pray for him, and I do still wish things didn't have to be this way. But I trust that God has helped me onto the right path, and I have faith that he's leading the way. Sometimes, I imagine that there's this wonderful guy out there, and a wonderful marriage in my future, and that God just groans and throws his hands up in the air every time I try to resist going in that direction and try to stay stuck in a miserable situation.
I don't think you have to get a divorce, ever, if you don't want to.
I also believe in God, and believe in marriage, and I was staying for the long haul. But God had other plans for me, that I still to this day sometimes fight against. My husband left me, and I now see that as God stepping in and doing something for me that I couldn't do for myself. I do still pray for him, and I do still wish things didn't have to be this way. But I trust that God has helped me onto the right path, and I have faith that he's leading the way. Sometimes, I imagine that there's this wonderful guy out there, and a wonderful marriage in my future, and that God just groans and throws his hands up in the air every time I try to resist going in that direction and try to stay stuck in a miserable situation.
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