Oh brother, mom is coming to visit again
Power is not having to respond
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
Oh brother, mom is coming to visit again
My mom stopped drinking over 30 years ago. She is still a chronic complainer, nothing is good enough, guilt trips are doled out like free raffle tickets and, manipulation is her best game.
I can not stand to be around her. But I love her.
She's 4 hrs away and coming for a visit. I absolutely dread it.
I will listen to non stop whining and complaining. I ask her not to bring her dog, but she will any way. I have decided that since I always get manipulated to take care of the dog while she's here, I will not do it this time.
I will just say, "I am not feeling up to walking your dog, guess you'll have to do it." She will try a different strategy such as saying her head is hurting too much to take care of the dog. I will then get the crate for her dog and make her put the dog in it.
She's getting old and has been trying to insinuate for years that I need to let her live with me. Oh, I get the message, but I am not listening. I let her play her game, but I won't let her in to live with me. I would be stark raving crazy in less that 24 hours if I did.
It won't stop her from trying. She said she wanted to live in an assisted living center. Problem is those places are 3 grand a month. She only takes home about 1200. I sent off for info on all the local ones.
I can see how the visit will unfold. She has it all planned out in her head how she knows she won't be able to afford that and she's going to manipulate me into letting her move in.
MOM: "Oh, it's terrible! I can't afford that! I NEED help! I can't live alone any more! Someone has GOT TO HELP ME! I won't make it all alone. I can't walk good, I have rosacia, arthritis, the doctors think I have lupus (lie), I am going blind! I have migraines! ...
ME: "I am so sorry that didn't work out. Perhaps a senior apartment.
I can't have anyone live with me because my kids come to visit, and stay the night a lot so I must have the space for them. Also, I am setting up an art room in the spare bedroom."
HER: (crying) "I can't believe you won't help me. (and of course the guilt trip) You won't take care of your pitiful old mother."
ME: (calm and unemotional) "I am taking care of you by trying to find you an apartment. I can come and visit often and you can have the peace and quiet you like that you would never get at my house. The grand kids are hear a lot. They're rowdy and noisy. You would never be able to handle all the chaos that comes with little kids, and I could never let a dog live in my home. You having your own place is the best way for all of us."
And that's the way I hope it goes. I have to stay one step of her manipulation, always knowing what to expect. Sometimes I don't and I improvise or come on here and get some help!
I did learn one thing in alanon. Take care of myself.
Steven Covey also has the 10/90 rule.
10% of things in life we can not control.
90% is our reactions to the things we can't control.
Google his 10/90 rule. It's way good.
It means I don't have to respond to manipulation.
I can not stand to be around her. But I love her.
She's 4 hrs away and coming for a visit. I absolutely dread it.
I will listen to non stop whining and complaining. I ask her not to bring her dog, but she will any way. I have decided that since I always get manipulated to take care of the dog while she's here, I will not do it this time.
I will just say, "I am not feeling up to walking your dog, guess you'll have to do it." She will try a different strategy such as saying her head is hurting too much to take care of the dog. I will then get the crate for her dog and make her put the dog in it.
She's getting old and has been trying to insinuate for years that I need to let her live with me. Oh, I get the message, but I am not listening. I let her play her game, but I won't let her in to live with me. I would be stark raving crazy in less that 24 hours if I did.
It won't stop her from trying. She said she wanted to live in an assisted living center. Problem is those places are 3 grand a month. She only takes home about 1200. I sent off for info on all the local ones.
I can see how the visit will unfold. She has it all planned out in her head how she knows she won't be able to afford that and she's going to manipulate me into letting her move in.
MOM: "Oh, it's terrible! I can't afford that! I NEED help! I can't live alone any more! Someone has GOT TO HELP ME! I won't make it all alone. I can't walk good, I have rosacia, arthritis, the doctors think I have lupus (lie), I am going blind! I have migraines! ...
ME: "I am so sorry that didn't work out. Perhaps a senior apartment.
I can't have anyone live with me because my kids come to visit, and stay the night a lot so I must have the space for them. Also, I am setting up an art room in the spare bedroom."
HER: (crying) "I can't believe you won't help me. (and of course the guilt trip) You won't take care of your pitiful old mother."
ME: (calm and unemotional) "I am taking care of you by trying to find you an apartment. I can come and visit often and you can have the peace and quiet you like that you would never get at my house. The grand kids are hear a lot. They're rowdy and noisy. You would never be able to handle all the chaos that comes with little kids, and I could never let a dog live in my home. You having your own place is the best way for all of us."
And that's the way I hope it goes. I have to stay one step of her manipulation, always knowing what to expect. Sometimes I don't and I improvise or come on here and get some help!
I did learn one thing in alanon. Take care of myself.
Steven Covey also has the 10/90 rule.
10% of things in life we can not control.
90% is our reactions to the things we can't control.
Google his 10/90 rule. It's way good.
It means I don't have to respond to manipulation.
Last edited by Wascally Wabbit; 05-01-2010 at 09:49 PM. Reason: mistake
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,915
Is there some reason why you have to let her visit? Just because she is your mother doesn't mean you have to put up with her abuse. That might sound cold on my part, but from what you have described, it sounds like I'd rather nail my tongue to the floor than deal with that.
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