Beginning with Me now...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Erie, Pa.
Posts: 91
Beginning with Me now...
There is a another thread I've read, being in a similiar situation myself for years now, I found it in the Sticky's too, I do believe. It's called "I never changed anyone with my words"... or something very close to that effect.
That thread helped me get ahold of MY feelings, since I found that others have had this same idea, that we could CONVINCE our A to quit. Just as I have many times. My A has stopped drinking/drugging, but now I'm wondering how long does it take for us BOTH to change the attitudes we've already set up as "our relationship"??
The selfishness does not just fall away for the A. At least it didn't here, so I started my own program in Nar-anon to help me with ME. The lying has not stopped, and they are DUMB things, now, too. He rarely leaves my sight (except to attend AA with his sponser), not actively looking for a J-O-B, telling me he's "overwhelmed" enough by the efforts he's already making.
But I'm ready, more than ready, to have to rest of the pieces fall into place. I only recently began believing his sobriety might actually stick, but HE reminds me, he will always be an acoholic/addict, and only his own will, and the knowledge he obtained in his 28-day inpatient program that HE chose, not me begging him, will keep him clean.
Do I still get annoyed? YEP. All the time.
You'd think I'd just be grateful he quit! But the relationship was based on lies for him to use. Not much left to trust, other than my own fear that it will get right back to where it has always been. So even if your A quits drinking/drugging, prepare yourself to still join Alanon/Nar-anon, and work a program for yourself, as they works theirs. Or even if they DON'T quit drinking/drugging, still join Alanon/Nar-anon for YOU....
I doubt the outcome everyday, and heard something that made sense at Nar-anon when someone asked "but will I ever have trust in (them) again.
"Trust is not given, it is earned." It takes time...
I do find its a new beginning for ME and that no matter what his decision, or mine to stay or leave even, for that matter, I'm glad this has led me to Nar-anon. It's a great program, I'm finding find peace with myself starting there.
Hugs, Kim
That thread helped me get ahold of MY feelings, since I found that others have had this same idea, that we could CONVINCE our A to quit. Just as I have many times. My A has stopped drinking/drugging, but now I'm wondering how long does it take for us BOTH to change the attitudes we've already set up as "our relationship"??
The selfishness does not just fall away for the A. At least it didn't here, so I started my own program in Nar-anon to help me with ME. The lying has not stopped, and they are DUMB things, now, too. He rarely leaves my sight (except to attend AA with his sponser), not actively looking for a J-O-B, telling me he's "overwhelmed" enough by the efforts he's already making.
But I'm ready, more than ready, to have to rest of the pieces fall into place. I only recently began believing his sobriety might actually stick, but HE reminds me, he will always be an acoholic/addict, and only his own will, and the knowledge he obtained in his 28-day inpatient program that HE chose, not me begging him, will keep him clean.
Do I still get annoyed? YEP. All the time.
You'd think I'd just be grateful he quit! But the relationship was based on lies for him to use. Not much left to trust, other than my own fear that it will get right back to where it has always been. So even if your A quits drinking/drugging, prepare yourself to still join Alanon/Nar-anon, and work a program for yourself, as they works theirs. Or even if they DON'T quit drinking/drugging, still join Alanon/Nar-anon for YOU....
I doubt the outcome everyday, and heard something that made sense at Nar-anon when someone asked "but will I ever have trust in (them) again.
"Trust is not given, it is earned." It takes time...
I do find its a new beginning for ME and that no matter what his decision, or mine to stay or leave even, for that matter, I'm glad this has led me to Nar-anon. It's a great program, I'm finding find peace with myself starting there.
Hugs, Kim
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
Admitting the addiction and stopping the addiction is (I would say) only 10% of the problem, the other 90% is what follows.
An addict trying to live life without their crutch is literaly like somone who's been been paralyzed learning how to walk again. It takes a LONG time to learn how to walk again.
I struggle with trust issues, but I think most loved once of addicts do. My BF has destroyed my trust, denies he did and refuses to work at getting it back. To me, he's not in recovery even though he stopped drinking and goes to AA
There is only two ways to get through this, leave for good, or love them enough to understand they stuggle with a disease.
I've sat on the fence of hatred and compassion for way too long
An addict trying to live life without their crutch is literaly like somone who's been been paralyzed learning how to walk again. It takes a LONG time to learn how to walk again.
I struggle with trust issues, but I think most loved once of addicts do. My BF has destroyed my trust, denies he did and refuses to work at getting it back. To me, he's not in recovery even though he stopped drinking and goes to AA
There is only two ways to get through this, leave for good, or love them enough to understand they stuggle with a disease.
I've sat on the fence of hatred and compassion for way too long
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Originally Posted by SecretLife 
"Trust is not given, it is earned." It takes time...
I do find its a new beginning for ME and that no matter what his decision, or mine to stay or leave even, for that matter, I'm glad this has led me to Nar-anon. It's a great program, I'm finding find peace with myself starting there.
Hugs, Kim
I do find its a new beginning for ME and that no matter what his decision, or mine to stay or leave even, for that matter, I'm glad this has led me to Nar-anon. It's a great program, I'm finding find peace with myself starting there.
Hugs, Kim
It took alcoholism to bring me to a wonderful journey of recovery and serenity.
I'm thankful for the well-trod path that others have left for me to follow!
Together, one day at a time, we travel the path of recovery.
Peace to you on your journey!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Erie, Pa.
Posts: 91
Second f2f meeting
Goodmorning to All!
I attended a second face to face Nar-anon last night, all different people than Mondays meeting. I'm hoping to find a sponser for myself, yet. I'm learning even more that drugs are EVERYWHERE... in every social status and tax bracket, so to speak.
I have not only recovering ABF to contend with daily, but my grandkids' dad is cross addicted, and living in a halfway house, recently outta jail, and already causing problems in my family ... plus my A neighbor, who my other daughter is finding it hard to not "help", not realizing she is becoming one of her main enablers.
I'm hoping these precious kids of mine see changes in my attitude (soon), and begin attending meetings, even if seperate from mine so they can speak freely without MOM listening.
I bought a SESH book last night, not only to read it for myself, but leaving it "around" where it can be seen by both my girls, too. They'll surely ask what it is... I will explain the book and the program, but I'll let them figure this out in their own way, for same idea applies, I cannot change/help anyone but myself.
Thank you for comments left here.
I know I'm not alone, and you are so right, Summerpeach, I either have to love them enough to be in it for the long haul, or decide I cannot, and cut all ties.
That's where Nar-anon comes in. It's about my own recovery. I never knew that!
Thank you all!
I attended a second face to face Nar-anon last night, all different people than Mondays meeting. I'm hoping to find a sponser for myself, yet. I'm learning even more that drugs are EVERYWHERE... in every social status and tax bracket, so to speak.
I have not only recovering ABF to contend with daily, but my grandkids' dad is cross addicted, and living in a halfway house, recently outta jail, and already causing problems in my family ... plus my A neighbor, who my other daughter is finding it hard to not "help", not realizing she is becoming one of her main enablers.
I'm hoping these precious kids of mine see changes in my attitude (soon), and begin attending meetings, even if seperate from mine so they can speak freely without MOM listening.
I bought a SESH book last night, not only to read it for myself, but leaving it "around" where it can be seen by both my girls, too. They'll surely ask what it is... I will explain the book and the program, but I'll let them figure this out in their own way, for same idea applies, I cannot change/help anyone but myself.
Thank you for comments left here.
I know I'm not alone, and you are so right, Summerpeach, I either have to love them enough to be in it for the long haul, or decide I cannot, and cut all ties.
That's where Nar-anon comes in. It's about my own recovery. I never knew that!
Thank you all!
Persevere, Never give up!
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Stellenbosch, South Africa
Posts: 882
I think the hardest for me , is my H who is a confirmed alcoholic, a year bgefore we married he gave up alcohol and for 8 years has been sober then two years ago I found a cash slip for brandy and cane, I was devastated! i still am, he has been drinking now for 3 years at the time I confronted him and he said he would stop, but of course he hasn't, it is so heart aching, he hides it and makes up so many lies, not the person I married. How does one deal with that and the financial ruin pending for the second time?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi mamm-
one deals with it by accepting that they are going to drink no matter what you do or say and begin to make decisions about your own life and what you want out of life.
one deals with it by stopping to try to control the drinking and make your own plans, independent of the alcoholic.
niave
one deals with it by accepting that they are going to drink no matter what you do or say and begin to make decisions about your own life and what you want out of life.
one deals with it by stopping to try to control the drinking and make your own plans, independent of the alcoholic.
niave
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Erie, Pa.
Posts: 91
Under lock and key...
Hi, Mamm!
Since you asked....
I live with everything "under lock and key". It's sad, but my recovering ABF is NOT my first acoholic... I protect myself the best I can, with car keys, cash, debit/credit cards, bank statements, checkbook (anything with my account numbers on it), etc. etc. etc. locked in a gun safe. All my meds are in there, both scripts and tylenol... everything.
The sad truth is I know I'm just fooling myself thinking I could stop financial doom if I married him, or let him "move in"... most days he just "stays". He has no official place to call home... moving between my house and his mom's. He is new to recovery, and I know an A he will always be... I'm praying the relapses never happen again, but... who knows???
My A ex-husband went so far as to fill out credit cards in my name and social security number from the mail, and take cash out on them, (his signature was on the applications, just my NAME), and when the marriage ended, I had to file for bankruptcy. His name was NO WHERE on these debts.
Not trying to scare you. Please do the best you can to protect your finances. This addiction is strong, too strong for them, (or US), to control! Do whatever it takes, and believe me, I know it's a draining process just when it comes to the financial end of it alone! Not to mention to emotional part.
Stay in touch!
Kim
Since you asked....
I live with everything "under lock and key". It's sad, but my recovering ABF is NOT my first acoholic... I protect myself the best I can, with car keys, cash, debit/credit cards, bank statements, checkbook (anything with my account numbers on it), etc. etc. etc. locked in a gun safe. All my meds are in there, both scripts and tylenol... everything.
The sad truth is I know I'm just fooling myself thinking I could stop financial doom if I married him, or let him "move in"... most days he just "stays". He has no official place to call home... moving between my house and his mom's. He is new to recovery, and I know an A he will always be... I'm praying the relapses never happen again, but... who knows???
My A ex-husband went so far as to fill out credit cards in my name and social security number from the mail, and take cash out on them, (his signature was on the applications, just my NAME), and when the marriage ended, I had to file for bankruptcy. His name was NO WHERE on these debts.
Not trying to scare you. Please do the best you can to protect your finances. This addiction is strong, too strong for them, (or US), to control! Do whatever it takes, and believe me, I know it's a draining process just when it comes to the financial end of it alone! Not to mention to emotional part.
Stay in touch!
Kim
Persevere, Never give up!
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Stellenbosch, South Africa
Posts: 882
Originally Posted by naive
hi mamm-
one deals with it by accepting that they are going to drink no matter what you do or say and begin to make decisions about your own life and what you want out of life.
one deals with it by stopping to try to control the drinking and make your own plans, independent of the alcoholic.
niave
one deals with it by accepting that they are going to drink no matter what you do or say and begin to make decisions about your own life and what you want out of life.
one deals with it by stopping to try to control the drinking and make your own plans, independent of the alcoholic.
niave
I have accepted one cannot change it or cure it, but it has always been hard for me to acceptm, my father died when I was 15 of alcoholism and my faith really took a huge knock, because I so firmly believed through HIM we could help our loved ones who are unable to help themselves. I was more devastated about the fact he lied to me and never told me he had started drinking again, and is still lieing to me about the fact that he hasnt stopped.
it just breaks my heart.I am dealing with my life and living it the way I want to, but for my children, I have to be strong.
thanks for posting.
Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow. ~Mary Anne Radmacher~
Persevere, Never give up!
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Stellenbosch, South Africa
Posts: 882
Originally Posted by SecretLife
Hi, Mamm!
My A ex-husband went so far as to fill out credit cards in my name and social security number from the mail, and take cash out on them, (his signature was on the applications, just my NAME), and when the marriage ended, I had to file for bankruptcy. His name was NO WHERE on these debts.
.
My A ex-husband went so far as to fill out credit cards in my name and social security number from the mail, and take cash out on them, (his signature was on the applications, just my NAME), and when the marriage ended, I had to file for bankruptcy. His name was NO WHERE on these debts.
.
before we married we were together for 10 years, we met at High School, he was always drinking then, but i was naive and thought I could help him. I had a good job, but we decided to go into business together I co signed for his business, he drank it away and I ended up with R50 000 (plus int and so forth) worth of debt. Since then i have been unemployable.
So the story is I have absolutely nothing, no cash, no finances, everything we have comes from him working, after 8 years of being on the wagon, he fell off 3 years ago and I have no idea what triggered it and he doesn't want to seek help, i will be on the street!
He secretly buys it and stashes it away. He does not drink in front of me or our girls which is at least a good thing.
I am really praying that GOD will continue to protect and provide for me, I have been a Christian since I was a teenager and GOD has always been there for me, so my faith keeps me going.
Thanks for listening....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Erie, Pa.
Posts: 91
For Mamm
Thank you for sharing your history of finances. Somehow we all manage to get thru it, my beliefs are as yours... 'He provides for His own.' It has kept me sane thru all I've gone thru.
Lying is just a part of the disease, but I surely know how betrayed it makes one feel. I'm so sorry you are going thru this...
My thoughts are prayers are with you and your family.
Kim
Lying is just a part of the disease, but I surely know how betrayed it makes one feel. I'm so sorry you are going thru this...
My thoughts are prayers are with you and your family.
Kim
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Erie, Pa.
Posts: 91
Another thread to consider
I was just beginning to trust my A's recovery efforts, when he admitted to me that he had had a rough time with it the whole day. Thinking of "old ways" for himself, he called his sponser, went to a meeting, yet still was wrestling with his sobriety all day... couldn't even get to sleep.
We talked last night, yet I remembered this thread... "I never changed anyone with my words". I'm going to keep in mind that ultimately the decision to use again is something I can not talk him out of. Neither can his sponser. But I can listen when he's struggling.
He never said a word to me till he could not sleep late last night.
It has me worried, but not feeling responsible to keep his promise to himself to stay sober. I'm glad I'm working my program, for it has taught me that much. And I apreciate it!
Thanks for the listening.
Kim
We talked last night, yet I remembered this thread... "I never changed anyone with my words". I'm going to keep in mind that ultimately the decision to use again is something I can not talk him out of. Neither can his sponser. But I can listen when he's struggling.
He never said a word to me till he could not sleep late last night.
It has me worried, but not feeling responsible to keep his promise to himself to stay sober. I'm glad I'm working my program, for it has taught me that much. And I apreciate it!
Thanks for the listening.
Kim
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Erie, Pa.
Posts: 91
Found a home group
Last week I tried a few different face to face Nar-anon groups. I've decided on a home group, and asked one person I feel I identify pretty well with to consider being my sponser. I don't know how long she's been in the program, so I'm not sure she is ready for that responsibility, but she said she would consider it. I have a second choice lined up, as well.
My healing begins with me. And it will not end, I will always be a work in progress. Putting new ideas I will be learning to use in every area of my life. I'm excited for myself!
Have a great day!
Kim
My healing begins with me. And it will not end, I will always be a work in progress. Putting new ideas I will be learning to use in every area of my life. I'm excited for myself!
Have a great day!
Kim
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
