Alanon - How I Rework steps for a specific problem
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Join Date: Apr 2008
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Alanon - How I Rework steps for a specific problem
This would go for just about ANY 12 step program. I'm now involved with Alanon and AA.
I have an issue (surprise! surprise!) with a friend of mine. So, I was going to write out the steps on paper handeling it. But, I decided to post it in here, as if anyone has ideas - that's only an added bonus (plus it begins step 12). One of the major ways I use the steps is in an individual form to carefully review troublesome situations that are causing my life to be unmanageable. When I first did the steps when a newbie - I had to look up the definition of unmanageable to help as I can complicate any word.
Unmanageable: A task difficult to preform
Yep. I have an issue making my life a little more difficult to "preform" so, here we go:
Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives become unmanageable. Translation for my problem: Admitting that I am powerless over another individual and the individual's issues, emotions, and behaviors. The three C's fit in here. This step is done.
Step 2: Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity. I've always known this was true. Being Atheist, my higher power is basically humanity as a whole. Other's can help me get in touch with the pure human being inside myself devoid of prejudices. Okay, this step is done because I have come to believe.
Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of god as we understood him. Okay, this is the step I'm at right now. With Humanity as a higher power, I need to reach out to others and not hide in isolation with my problem. This step is making that decision. I did so yesterday, reaching out to others who have a clearer view because they are removed from the situation. I also decided to take all the wonderful reading materials I have and read them over again in the light of this problem. As when I say "Humanity" it involves much more than the people I know. It involves teachings from many, many, sources. This step is on-going
Step 4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. Okay, this I am not posting here. I did this in great unabashed detail, on paper. For this probem, step three helps to get it all in the appropriate catagory for me. After careful consideration, this issue is rooted in fear. It's got fear written all over it. So, this is the outline I used:
I’m resentful at:_________________
Step 5: Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. Okay, so I've admitted this to myself. I still need to go over these issues with a trusted advisor or two. In this case my Sponsor and another friend who I know has good first hand experience with this issue.
Step 6: We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. I am entirely ready to work on my subconcious true and pure mindset to remove these defects revealed in Step 4.
Step 7: Humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings. Shortcomings, how I see them are things I should be doing but, am not. I have to take the flaws that are causing my shortcomings and cast them into the wind. They are not helpful to me. So, what are the things I should be doing but am not? In this case the following are the top three:
Step 9: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible except when to do so would injure them or others. Yes, I need more reflection before I can do this step (also have to complete the 5th step) so my motives are PURE, my timing good, and my words appropriate.
Step 10: Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it. After step 9 this step will be about reviewing my relationship behaviors with this person regularly to help avoid another mis-step
Step 11: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with god as we understood him, praying only for knowledge for his will for us and the power to carry that out. I do pray, However, I do not use the word pray because of the common connotation that it is directed twords a diety. I utilize self implorations ie: May I be a true friend today void of self acts and deeds. The serentity prayer is also a self-imploration - I remove the first word.
Step 12: Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs. I have begun Step 12 simply by posting this here.
I have an issue (surprise! surprise!) with a friend of mine. So, I was going to write out the steps on paper handeling it. But, I decided to post it in here, as if anyone has ideas - that's only an added bonus (plus it begins step 12). One of the major ways I use the steps is in an individual form to carefully review troublesome situations that are causing my life to be unmanageable. When I first did the steps when a newbie - I had to look up the definition of unmanageable to help as I can complicate any word.
Unmanageable: A task difficult to preform
Yep. I have an issue making my life a little more difficult to "preform" so, here we go:
Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives become unmanageable. Translation for my problem: Admitting that I am powerless over another individual and the individual's issues, emotions, and behaviors. The three C's fit in here. This step is done.
Step 2: Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity. I've always known this was true. Being Atheist, my higher power is basically humanity as a whole. Other's can help me get in touch with the pure human being inside myself devoid of prejudices. Okay, this step is done because I have come to believe.
Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of god as we understood him. Okay, this is the step I'm at right now. With Humanity as a higher power, I need to reach out to others and not hide in isolation with my problem. This step is making that decision. I did so yesterday, reaching out to others who have a clearer view because they are removed from the situation. I also decided to take all the wonderful reading materials I have and read them over again in the light of this problem. As when I say "Humanity" it involves much more than the people I know. It involves teachings from many, many, sources. This step is on-going
Step 4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. Okay, this I am not posting here. I did this in great unabashed detail, on paper. For this probem, step three helps to get it all in the appropriate catagory for me. After careful consideration, this issue is rooted in fear. It's got fear written all over it. So, this is the outline I used:
I’m resentful at:_________________
1.) The Cause
2.) How it Effects (or what does it say about) my Self-esteem
3.) How it effects (or what does it say about) my Security
4.) How it effects (or what does it say about) my Ambitions
5.) How am I being Selfish
6.) How am I being Dishonest (with myself and/or the other person)
7.) How am I being Self-seeking
8.) What should I have done instead
Okay, I go through this three different times. The first written responses to these includes many cuss words and exclamation points! By the third time through, it is filled with at least some real clarity.2.) How it Effects (or what does it say about) my Self-esteem
3.) How it effects (or what does it say about) my Security
4.) How it effects (or what does it say about) my Ambitions
5.) How am I being Selfish
6.) How am I being Dishonest (with myself and/or the other person)
7.) How am I being Self-seeking
8.) What should I have done instead
Step 5: Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. Okay, so I've admitted this to myself. I still need to go over these issues with a trusted advisor or two. In this case my Sponsor and another friend who I know has good first hand experience with this issue.
Step 6: We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. I am entirely ready to work on my subconcious true and pure mindset to remove these defects revealed in Step 4.
Step 7: Humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings. Shortcomings, how I see them are things I should be doing but, am not. I have to take the flaws that are causing my shortcomings and cast them into the wind. They are not helpful to me. So, what are the things I should be doing but am not? In this case the following are the top three:
1.) Not editing. If I think or feel something I tell and show it. No need to do this. I'm only thinking of myself in this case. I need to be more considerate of the other persons feelings and state of mind. It is not helpful to them if I throw what is ultimately all my issues at them.
2.) Not spending enough time in reflection - communicating on impulse. Not doing this is a sure fire way to add to the problem. I need to review my thoughts and feelings to see if they are rational and truly real, or not.
3.) Not practicing compassion. By truly and honestly trying to place myself in the other persons place - Much can be understood. It is only by compassion that I can be a good friend.
Step 8: Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. On this issue there are TWO parties. the other person and MYSELF.2.) Not spending enough time in reflection - communicating on impulse. Not doing this is a sure fire way to add to the problem. I need to review my thoughts and feelings to see if they are rational and truly real, or not.
3.) Not practicing compassion. By truly and honestly trying to place myself in the other persons place - Much can be understood. It is only by compassion that I can be a good friend.
Step 9: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible except when to do so would injure them or others. Yes, I need more reflection before I can do this step (also have to complete the 5th step) so my motives are PURE, my timing good, and my words appropriate.
Step 10: Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it. After step 9 this step will be about reviewing my relationship behaviors with this person regularly to help avoid another mis-step
Step 11: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with god as we understood him, praying only for knowledge for his will for us and the power to carry that out. I do pray, However, I do not use the word pray because of the common connotation that it is directed twords a diety. I utilize self implorations ie: May I be a true friend today void of self acts and deeds. The serentity prayer is also a self-imploration - I remove the first word.
Step 12: Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs. I have begun Step 12 simply by posting this here.
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