iwantcontrol

So, I can feel the pattern starting to emerge again and I would like some advice on how to change it. The boundary enforcing (not seeing him or talking to him when he is drunk) has been continuing the last couple of days, and I received no real apology for his rude behaviour when he was sort of sober. Today he seems not to be drinking – he had a couple of appointments which he went to, and is due to come to my house for the weekend as usual tonight. I don’t think he will drink before turning up (I could be wrong).

Now, the usual pattern is that we carry on as if nothing had happened all week – no drinking, no hanging up on me or having a go at me for always thinking the worst, no cancelling plans because he was drunk etc etc. We have a nice couple of days together where I don’t want to bring anything up and ruin things. It gets to Sunday evening and I’m starting to dread what the next week will bring – more of the same drunkenness etc – so I mention it to him and I ask about what happened last week. Then he moans at me for thinking the worst (although i only think it because its what always happens) and for putting too much pressure on him. Then I’m accused of ruining a perfectly nice weekend (although I know what he means is; ‘i don’t want to talk about alcohol, i don’t have a problem and i don’t want to admit that every week i get drunk and let you down’. I’ve tried talking about it at the start of the weekend to clear the air, or not talking about it at all.

Nothing seems right – I want to take care of myself in this situation which means I cant just ignore it, but I’m not sure what would be the best way to deal with it? This isn’t to get him to promise it wont happen again or for him to apologise. I want to break this pattern of my behaviour, but not sure the best way. Thanks.

bookwyrm

You say you don't expect him to change or apologise so why are you bringing it up? What is your motivation and expectation? He knows why you wouldn't speak to him during the week. You know by now what his reaction will be so why do you continue to do the same thing again?

posiesperson

Good morning iwant,

I like how you say you want to break the pattern of your behavior. It took me a really long time to get to that point but you're already there.

He's not going to change. He's not going to change. He's not going to change.

You can either accept him or not accept him EXACTLY as he is. If you don't accept the behavior then you must move on or you will poison yourself repeatedly. If you do accept the behavior then I'll share what my therapist said to me this week: "If a person stays in relationship with an addict then they must come to terms with the fact that they will never have a primary relationship with the addict, because s/he is already in a primary relationship."

If you're expecting to be "primary" in his life then you're barking up the wrong tree. I'm sorry if that's blunt, but it's true...

Do what's best for YOU. You're the one who has to live with yourself ALL the time. HE is OPTIONAL.

Sending hugs,
posie

iwantcontrol

thanks, i'm bringing it up for my own sanity - else i feel like i'm in a sort of parallel world where that didnt really happen. what i'm asking is whether i should just ignore it and carry on as normal or bring it up somehow? What is the healthy option and the best way for me to heal myself? i know it wont change his behaviour - i will continue to accept his behaviour until i'm strong and recovered enough to say i dont like it and do something about it. I realise that now. If his behaviour changes and he chooses recovery then that is a bonus, not something i'm counting on anymore.
I hope i'm making sense. I'm just looking for the healthy way to respond - i'm desperate to do my bit to change the pattern, and not wait around for him to change it for me!

sesh

"Then he moans at me for thinking the worst (although i only think it because its what always happens) and for putting too much pressure on him. Then I’m accused of ruining a perfectly nice weekend "

Been there too many times. I guess my AH wants me to be in denial too.
I learned the more I'm acctually understanding this is as goods as it gets with him, and he'll never change bacause I want him to, the less I feel the urge to repeat the pattern.
I don't see any point in it really, sometimes I still do it, out of the habbit I guess (honestly not hoping it will change anything), but I don't really care much about it, as I know it is not me ruining anything, he's taking care of that all by himself.
The way I see it there is no tactic about it, it just comes from understanding and acceptance. I figure repeating this pattern comes from believing doing it will make a difference, once you stop believing it, it becomes quite easy to break free from the pattern.

stella27

Honey,

Can you see that you ARE ruining a perfectly nice weekend by bringing it up?

If he wanted to apologize, he would do that on his own.

If you enjoy spending the perfectly nice weekend with him, don't talk to him about his drinking or his behavior.

If you enjoy fighting and feeling superior to him while defending your self-righteous and justified position, then you should bring it up.

You get to decide how you are going to spend the weekend.

iwantcontrol

stella - i hadnt seen it that way, thanks. i guess i got annoyed at him for not mentioning it and then for telling me i shouldn't. you are right though, i need to decide if i'm happy having a nice weekend and spending the week totally apart while he drinks, or if i'm not happy with that arrangement. it is my choice. if i'm not happy with it then i shouldn't be spending any of my time with him. I'm not quite sure where i stand on that yet.

LaTeeDa

Every poster on this thread is essentially telling you the same thing. Every poster on every previous thread you started has also told you the same thing. Once you accept that he is who he is and stop expecting him to be someone else, it will be easy to break the pattern. Until then, you will continue to be let down, frustrated, sad, angry, anxious, and exhausted.

I like this quote:

"If you keep doing what you've always done, you will keep getting what you've always gotten."

L

Freedom1990

Yes, it is your choice.

Personally I have no desire to spend any time with an active alcoholic, period.

There was a time in my life I was so desperate for companionship that I was willing to lower my bar of standards.

The end result was much unhappiness for me.

I understand completely what you are saying about 'accepting the unacceptable behavior' if you don't bring it up.

However, as has already been stated over and over in this thread, he is what he is.

My unhappiness stemmed from the fact that no matter how I tried to justify it, I was lowering my standards.

Either accept 100% he's going to be an a$$ during the week, and then you get a couple of days where he's somewhat decent, or change what you are doing.

It really is that simple. It's not easy, but it's simple

kittykitty

It's obvious that things will never get better with him. I think you know that. That's something that everyone has mentioned, let alone the fact that eventually it will get worse, progress to a higher level.

Are you content being in a relationship with someone who is only available to you 35% of the time? Only on the weekends? And only on the weekends when he doesn't feel like drinking instead? If you are, then I agree with Stella. By allowing him to treat you this way, you are telling him it's okay. You can't suddenly decide it isn't and expect him to respond well. Why ruin the only decent and sober 48 hours he will have all week with an argument?

He treats you like crap all week, and then gets to come over to your house and be with you like nothing happened. He gets the best of both worlds. And you get misery. Does that seem fair to you?

Here's how I started looking at things, when I was deciding if it was time to move on from my last toxic relationship. It's so easy to remember the good times, and forget about how miserable he was the night before, or the things he said last week when he was drunk, or whatever. So I needed to look at things from a different perspective. So I would imagine to myself:

What would my reaction be if my sister came to me and told me her boyfriend/husband was treating her this way? Would I tell her to stick it out, and maybe some day he'll change, just keep being nice to him and let him do what makes him comfortable? Or would I tell her to leave, and remind her that she deserves so much more from life and love than a part time ***hole?

I chose the latter, and everyday I am so glad that I did. It was hard, but everyday gets easier.

stella27

Like I said the other day, when I stood up to AH and said "you owe me an apology", he left. walked right out of 15 years of marriage and 3 little kids.

And I feel LUCKY. To quote my new, favorite book, "Lit":

"I begin to feel like somebody snatched out of the fire, salvaged, saved."

It's up to you to set your standards. It's your life and you get to decide what you want in it!

wanting

The reason there is a pattern that repeats itself is because nothing changes if nothing changes. He is still drinking and exhibiting "bad" behavior, and you are still trying to control his drinking and "bad" behavior. Personally, I would tell someone to eff off if they said they expected an apology from me. I'm not 5. But yeah, you get to decide if you want to continue to waste your life on someone who doesn't think they owe you an apology when they act like an a-hole. Or, on someone who consistently acts like an a-hole. Or, on someone who consistently shows you that he doesn't want the same kind of relationship that you want.

Bolina

Hi IWC. I was going to do a thread for you to ask how the other night went with the phone killing. How was it?

Bernadette

How to break the pattern?


I needed AlAnon.
I needed to work a program that got me to put the focus back on me and leave other people to do as they choose.
I was so invested in other people's problems I couldn't see a way out...AlAnon and the steps showed me the way.

I had to change.
Then EVERYTHING changed.

peace-
b

iwantcontrol

thanks for all your replies.
bolina - the phone killing the other night went well thanks. I didnt sleep that great but better than if i was sitting up all night waiting for a call. Typically, he didnt apologise the next morning as i think he was already drinking when i spoke to him.
The weekend is going ok - i am struggling a bit with the shift in him from **** to nice guy though. I'm trying to do my own thing and make myself happy this weekend.
He kind of apologised for being an idiot the last few weeks, and some of it he doesn't remember, but thats no excuse. I'm getting stronger and next time he turns up drunk I wil have the strength to tell him to go home until he can turn up sober. He has the forms for the rehab he wants me to help him fill in tomorrow too so thats good. DOnt worry I'm not holding out much hope for it really happening.
For the first time I'm really thinking about me - what I want and what I deserve. I'm getting better, I can feel it. I think if we split up he'd be losing way more than I would. I dont believe he's a bad person, but I'm beginning to think I underestimated how strong his need for alcohol really is - until he cracks that I'm never going to be his number one priority. I get that now.

coffeedrinker

i guess i don't think that one person can behave in a healthy way, the other person behaves in a completely unhealthy way, and that it somehow works. because, if you start getting healthier, but he doesn't, well, then you are tolerating what it untolerable, right? and if you're tolerating something that should not be tolerable, then you're not as healthy as you thought you were. does that make sense?

i know in alanon they say "serenity...whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not..." but i just don't get that. yeah, if you two are each an island, you go along with your life, he his, but that's not really a functional relationship, is it?

iwant,
if you want a doggy for your birthday, but you get a kitty, you might wish to practice your recovery tool. you might try acceptance, try and just love the cat for the beautiful creature it is, practice serenity. but really, you don't want a cat, you want a dog! and the giver knew that. but, to get along, you don't say anything, don't complain, don't be ungrateful. you take the thing on walks, you try and train it, but it doesn't respond.
and the whole time you're actually fuming inside. because the animal you have is not the one you want.

it seems like when he has done something unkind, yet doesn't acknowledge it, it just hurts you again. but you can't change him, so you don't say anything, don't complain, you try and be grateful for the good part of the relationship. yet....you don't want him to be a kitty, you want a doggy.

iwantcontrol

i like the dog/cat analogy!

I always feel strong just before the weekend starts but by the time Monday morning come around i’m beginning to lose my resolve and strength. We had a nice weekend – I did my own thing and spent time with other people too, but we also spent some time together and it was nice. I wish things were like that all the time. Unfortunately they aren’t. Now its Monday again I feel myself craving that the weekend isn’t over and that he is like that all the time. I can recognise that I’m beginning to feel a little needy, and that isn’t good. I need to gain that strength I had on Friday.

As I’ve said before in another thread, I have given myself a kind of deadline for me to leave the relationship if he is not seeking recovery properly, so until then I am going to stay in the relationship and try to detach from his behaviour and drinking. With that in mind, I am going to alter my own mindset this week so that his drinking doesn’t bother me so much. So, I know he is going to drink this week, probably every day, and me worrying about it or asking him not to is not going to change anything. It would make things worse – I’d get annoyed because he doesn’t listen to me, and he’d get annoyed at me nagging. So there will be no asking him not to drink or asking if he has been drinking (unless I’m due to see him and need to know). I will not meet him if he has been drinking. I will continue to end the conversation quickly on the phone if I think he’s been drinking as I don’t enjoy talking to him like that. I will remember that it is not my fault that he’s drinking, and nothing I could have said or done would have altered it. He is addicted and can only stop when he chooses to. I may have to repeat these sentences to myself over and over!

He has still not completed the rehab referral form – I will ask him about this again at the end of the week. I’ve put off doing things like that because I’m scared lots of times in the past, and someone nagging you about it doesn’t help. He needs to fill it in by himself and send it off. I know that. The problem is that I’m desperate for him to do it. I guess i’ve waited long enough already and a few days wont make much difference now, but it’s frustrating. Then again, if he’s done it just because i want him to then it doesn’t mean as much.

I know people on here have become annoyed with me because I’m not choosing to leave, but I am listening to everything you say and taking it on board. As you all know, I will only choose to leave when I am really ready. I do hope you will continue to post to my threads though as it does help me.

Summerpeach

IWant: I am not annoyed because you stay, lord knows we've all stayed for one reason or another, but what confuses me is your denial about your own issues.
You say "The problem is that I’m desperate for him to do it"
You are basing your happiness and a good/healthy relationship on what he needs to do. How come you're not desperate to get yourself well?

I don't want to judge and critisize, but you're denial is as deep as your addict.

He has no reason to fill out forms or get well, he's well in his mind.

Carol Star

He's your drug. My therapist (who saw my XA too) told me to tell him to do 90 meetings in 90 days or I woud leave.....(I stayed way too long)......he didn't, so I did. A friend told me if my self-esteem was better I would know he was bad for me. Nothing I did made any difference/ nothing I said made any difference. On SR I read "Let go or be dragged."..On SR I read "Work the program you wish they would work". I realized I was holding on to him or ( the potential of him) not who he WAS. My therapist and sponcer were so frustrated with me. Eventually I let go.....gave him to God. My therapist said my integrity got me out. One bite of the elephant at a time. On inch of the football field at a time. Now 3 yrs.post divorce I am fine. He is stll doing what he did........we grew in different directions. I am grateful for the lessons. I love him but am not in love with him anymore and no contact is better. He chooses still to use. I accepted I could not change him.

posiesperson

I've been there, iwant.

You're right, you will leave when you're ready, and your success will be defined as only YOU can define it. I had to stay in a crazy, upsetting, lousy situation until I didn't need to stay anymore. I got every single possible "lesson" for my own growth out of my experiences with my exA. It was horrible, and it was fantastic--because as awful as it was (and I see that MUCH more clearly from this side of it), I am very dedicated to never EVER doing this again. If I had left too soon I am quite confident that I would have found another person who would have taught me the "rest" of the lessons.

I'm very happy alone now, and I couldn't have done that before. I'd suggest that you ask yourself what keeps you staying in this relationship, and be as honest as you possibly can. You can evaluate your answers at another time, just acknowledge as best you can what the answer(s) is/are to that question...try not to judge yourself for them, just acknowledge what "is".

It made all the difference for me.

No judgment here, iwant. I don't judge myself anymore, and it has completely freed me up to not judge others, either.

Hugs,
posie