How to break the pattern?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
iwant,
my addict was lying to me constantly while using, i was a total maniac, checking his phone all the time. i would get a sinking feeling in my gut if there was ever a female call placed. after he got clean i learned that it was never about "affair" stuff but always related to drugs - using, getting, selling. but it was still all about the deception and how he turned into someone i didn't recognize.
pinpointing whether or not he's cheating, or getting ready to, really doesn't make a hill of beans of difference. you may feel relieved to find out there isn't someone else, but ya know what? there really is. he is having an affair with something non-human.
what's the deal with july?
supposed to moving out in july?
that's a long time to be so miserable.
my addict was lying to me constantly while using, i was a total maniac, checking his phone all the time. i would get a sinking feeling in my gut if there was ever a female call placed. after he got clean i learned that it was never about "affair" stuff but always related to drugs - using, getting, selling. but it was still all about the deception and how he turned into someone i didn't recognize.
pinpointing whether or not he's cheating, or getting ready to, really doesn't make a hill of beans of difference. you may feel relieved to find out there isn't someone else, but ya know what? there really is. he is having an affair with something non-human.
what's the deal with july?
supposed to moving out in july?
that's a long time to be so miserable.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Erie, Pa.
Posts: 91
You know what you need.
For me, journaling here is a plus because I can re-evaluate my own feelings AFTER the moment has passed, plus get input/insight from others.
We are all here to help each, while trying our best to find help for ourselves. I leave what I need to on these pages (to get it off my chest), and take only what I can handle or feel I need (and leave the rest).
I hope that is good advice for you.
Keep posting.
HUGS, Kim
We are all here to help each, while trying our best to find help for ourselves. I leave what I need to on these pages (to get it off my chest), and take only what I can handle or feel I need (and leave the rest).
I hope that is good advice for you.
Keep posting.
HUGS, Kim
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 357
thanks everyone
summerpeach - i know i keep telling myself that there is no need to make any big relationship decisions right now until i've sorted myself out more, but the urge for this to be sorted out one way or the other is huge. it makes sense not to make a stay or go decision right now, but in a way it is being in this unknown state that stops me from being able to make any personal progress past a certain stage. I'm a lot better than i was back in December when i first started posting - then i was totally obsessed and out of my mind worrying about things. Now I still obsess and worry but a lot less, and am beginning to understand things. It is a frustratingly slow process and just when i think i'm gettiing somewhere I have a set back and feel useless again.
Yesterday afternoon and evening when he'd returned to his normal self we spoke briefly about things - he stil said he hadn't drunk that day and it was left over from the day before when he'd got drunk (doesn't matter which is the truth really). He said there is nothing to worry about with that female as she is seeing his mate anyway and he was just being polite returning her calls. I'm still concerned about it because of the lies - it is all about the lies right now and i'm soooo fed up with them.
Still considering having that chat with him about things (the serious one i asked for opinions about before but never went through with). I think it is time to confront the issue again and stop skirting around it. I am going to really think about what it is i want to say and sit him down at the weekend. The main fact is that i dont want to be dating an active alcoholic anymore. I cant keep goign through this same old crap every week and i expect you are all getting sick and tired of reading about it.
summerpeach - i know i keep telling myself that there is no need to make any big relationship decisions right now until i've sorted myself out more, but the urge for this to be sorted out one way or the other is huge. it makes sense not to make a stay or go decision right now, but in a way it is being in this unknown state that stops me from being able to make any personal progress past a certain stage. I'm a lot better than i was back in December when i first started posting - then i was totally obsessed and out of my mind worrying about things. Now I still obsess and worry but a lot less, and am beginning to understand things. It is a frustratingly slow process and just when i think i'm gettiing somewhere I have a set back and feel useless again.
Yesterday afternoon and evening when he'd returned to his normal self we spoke briefly about things - he stil said he hadn't drunk that day and it was left over from the day before when he'd got drunk (doesn't matter which is the truth really). He said there is nothing to worry about with that female as she is seeing his mate anyway and he was just being polite returning her calls. I'm still concerned about it because of the lies - it is all about the lies right now and i'm soooo fed up with them.
Still considering having that chat with him about things (the serious one i asked for opinions about before but never went through with). I think it is time to confront the issue again and stop skirting around it. I am going to really think about what it is i want to say and sit him down at the weekend. The main fact is that i dont want to be dating an active alcoholic anymore. I cant keep goign through this same old crap every week and i expect you are all getting sick and tired of reading about it.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
we just want you to be healthy. we want you to find your life. we want to help you get unstuck.
i get being stuck. have been there many, many times, in my two "big" relationships.
if you have "the chat" -- i would say do it for the right reason. i think it's clear that you want him to not drink. if he wanted to give you what you want, he would quit. he just can't right now. but if the chat would make you feel like it's moving you forward, if you're like me and you want to communicate your actions, if you feel you will be able to move forward KNOWING that you tried everything, then do so. but going into to it with any expectation that this will be the wake-up call for him, is probably futile.
you ARE making progress - some of us move more slowly than others.
i get being stuck. have been there many, many times, in my two "big" relationships.
if you have "the chat" -- i would say do it for the right reason. i think it's clear that you want him to not drink. if he wanted to give you what you want, he would quit. he just can't right now. but if the chat would make you feel like it's moving you forward, if you're like me and you want to communicate your actions, if you feel you will be able to move forward KNOWING that you tried everything, then do so. but going into to it with any expectation that this will be the wake-up call for him, is probably futile.
you ARE making progress - some of us move more slowly than others.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 357
thanks coffeedrinker - I am going into the chat for me, because I do need to communicate how I feel and make sure he knows that. If nothing changes then I can say I tried everything I could. I am not expecting him to suddenly change because of it and you are right - if he'd wanted to do this he would do it. I guess there will always be a tiny part of me that does expect him to change because of me, but I'm not really expecting this to actually happen.
I've written out what i want to say to him on a new thread. I could just write him a letter. I expect him to either listen to it or read it and jsut say that he is trying and that it's a lot for him to take in. He might get annoyed and walk off. He might get upset. Who knows. I need to have this totally honest talk though and not hold anything back like i have sometimes before. I need to get it all out.
I've written out what i want to say to him on a new thread. I could just write him a letter. I expect him to either listen to it or read it and jsut say that he is trying and that it's a lot for him to take in. He might get annoyed and walk off. He might get upset. Who knows. I need to have this totally honest talk though and not hold anything back like i have sometimes before. I need to get it all out.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Erie, Pa.
Posts: 91
Suggestion:
There is a another thread I've read, being in a similiar situation myself for years now, I found it in the Sticky's too, I do believe. It's called "I never changed anyone with my words"... or something very close to that effect.
That thread helped me get ahold of MY feelings, since I found that others have had this same chat, just as I have many times. My A has stopped drinking/drugging, but now I'm wondering how long does it take for us BOTH to change the attitudes we've already set up as "our relationship"??
The selfishness does not just fall away for the A. At least it didn't here, so I started my own program in Nar-anon to help me with ME. The lying has not stopped, and they are DUMB things, now, too. He rarely leaves my sight (except to attend AA with his sponser), not actively looking for a J-O-B, telling me he's "overwhelmed" enough by the efforts he's already making.
But I'm ready, more than ready, to have to rest of the pieces fall into place. I only recently began believing his sobriety make actually stick, but HE reminds me, he will always be an acoholic/addict, and only his own will, and the knowledge he obtained in his 28-day inpatient program that HE chose, not me begging him, will keep him clean.
Do I still get annoyed? YEP. All the time.
You'd think I'd just be grateful he quit! But the relationship was based on lies for him to use. Not much left to trust, other than my own fear that it will get right back to where it has always been. So even if your A quits drinking, prepare yourself to still join Alanon, and work a program for yourself, as he works his. Or even if he DOESN't quit drinking, still join Alanon....
I doubt the outcome everyday, and heard something that made sense at Nar-anon when someone asked "but will I ever have trust in (them) again.
"Trust is not given, it is earned."
Good luck with your chat. I do hope its a new beginning for YOU and that no matter what his decision, or yours to stay or leave even, for that matter, leads you to Ala-non. It's a great program, you'll find peace with yourself starting there.
Hugs, Kim
That thread helped me get ahold of MY feelings, since I found that others have had this same chat, just as I have many times. My A has stopped drinking/drugging, but now I'm wondering how long does it take for us BOTH to change the attitudes we've already set up as "our relationship"??
The selfishness does not just fall away for the A. At least it didn't here, so I started my own program in Nar-anon to help me with ME. The lying has not stopped, and they are DUMB things, now, too. He rarely leaves my sight (except to attend AA with his sponser), not actively looking for a J-O-B, telling me he's "overwhelmed" enough by the efforts he's already making.
But I'm ready, more than ready, to have to rest of the pieces fall into place. I only recently began believing his sobriety make actually stick, but HE reminds me, he will always be an acoholic/addict, and only his own will, and the knowledge he obtained in his 28-day inpatient program that HE chose, not me begging him, will keep him clean.
Do I still get annoyed? YEP. All the time.
You'd think I'd just be grateful he quit! But the relationship was based on lies for him to use. Not much left to trust, other than my own fear that it will get right back to where it has always been. So even if your A quits drinking, prepare yourself to still join Alanon, and work a program for yourself, as he works his. Or even if he DOESN't quit drinking, still join Alanon....
I doubt the outcome everyday, and heard something that made sense at Nar-anon when someone asked "but will I ever have trust in (them) again.
"Trust is not given, it is earned."
Good luck with your chat. I do hope its a new beginning for YOU and that no matter what his decision, or yours to stay or leave even, for that matter, leads you to Ala-non. It's a great program, you'll find peace with yourself starting there.
Hugs, Kim
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