Holding on to the pain
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Holding on to the pain
On more than one occassion my therapist has asked me "why do you keep holding on to the pain?"
Many times I even ask myself that when I will all of a sudden feel a sense of deep loss and hurt and pain, and I will cry, again, after months. It just seems like I should be over it at this point. (atleast in my own head).
So when I have felt pain, I pay very close attention to it and wonder why I am feeling it.
I have said before, there are more good days than bad one's as times progresses. I feel it, like the cycle is seemingly supposed to go.
And then I notice, when I am feeling ok, like I can be happy, and am much better off now and maybe I can move on with no bitterness towards my XA....something snaps me back and says "oh no! he does not get off that easy!"
In other words, I feel the pain because to me it is a punishment to him??
I know I know...."it doesn't effect him, it effects you....you're not hurting him, you're hurting yourself". I totally understand the psych behind it. I'm just expressing what goes through my head when I am feeling these feelings.
To me, when I start to feel ok, it's like I am saying to him...."what you did wasn't that bad to me, you get to lie to me, use me, discard me, and move on and it didn't ruin me, so you have NOTHING to feel bad about!"
Does that make sense? It's such a twisted way of thinking. It's thinking that more I hurt, the more guilt he will ultimately feel.
My therapist also doesn't necessarily believe in forgiveness. I had been trying to achieve forgiveness because it was the "right thing to do". Of course, she is not saying that you hold on to the grudge.....but you also don't have to grant someone who has hurt you deeply forgiveness for what they have done. You let it go, and you take the lesson with you, and still give them up to their HP, and give yourself to yours.
It is true. I do not want to forgive him. And I don't. Strangely for me, this has helped me let go of the pain I feel a little bit more so.
I am certainly not trying to talk anyone out of the grace of forgiveness, I think it all certainly depends on the situation and what is ultimately better for you and helps you along.
For me, I just had to reflect on why I obsess with the painful thoughts, or put myself through the pain of even renting him space in my mind at this point. And my conclusion was that I conditioned myself to feel like if I stopped, then he gets off scott free.
That is my inner lesson today I suppose.
So if it's been a while, and you still process painful thoughts of your X's, why do you think you still hold on to it? When you really think about it?.....
Many times I even ask myself that when I will all of a sudden feel a sense of deep loss and hurt and pain, and I will cry, again, after months. It just seems like I should be over it at this point. (atleast in my own head).
So when I have felt pain, I pay very close attention to it and wonder why I am feeling it.
I have said before, there are more good days than bad one's as times progresses. I feel it, like the cycle is seemingly supposed to go.
And then I notice, when I am feeling ok, like I can be happy, and am much better off now and maybe I can move on with no bitterness towards my XA....something snaps me back and says "oh no! he does not get off that easy!"
In other words, I feel the pain because to me it is a punishment to him??
I know I know...."it doesn't effect him, it effects you....you're not hurting him, you're hurting yourself". I totally understand the psych behind it. I'm just expressing what goes through my head when I am feeling these feelings.
To me, when I start to feel ok, it's like I am saying to him...."what you did wasn't that bad to me, you get to lie to me, use me, discard me, and move on and it didn't ruin me, so you have NOTHING to feel bad about!"
Does that make sense? It's such a twisted way of thinking. It's thinking that more I hurt, the more guilt he will ultimately feel.
My therapist also doesn't necessarily believe in forgiveness. I had been trying to achieve forgiveness because it was the "right thing to do". Of course, she is not saying that you hold on to the grudge.....but you also don't have to grant someone who has hurt you deeply forgiveness for what they have done. You let it go, and you take the lesson with you, and still give them up to their HP, and give yourself to yours.
It is true. I do not want to forgive him. And I don't. Strangely for me, this has helped me let go of the pain I feel a little bit more so.
I am certainly not trying to talk anyone out of the grace of forgiveness, I think it all certainly depends on the situation and what is ultimately better for you and helps you along.
For me, I just had to reflect on why I obsess with the painful thoughts, or put myself through the pain of even renting him space in my mind at this point. And my conclusion was that I conditioned myself to feel like if I stopped, then he gets off scott free.
That is my inner lesson today I suppose.
So if it's been a while, and you still process painful thoughts of your X's, why do you think you still hold on to it? When you really think about it?.....
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Forgiveness is not something you grant to someone else. They don't even need to know you have forgiven them. It's something you do for yourself.
I'm sure you've heard this one. Resentment is like drinking poison in hopes the other person dies.
L
I'm sure you've heard this one. Resentment is like drinking poison in hopes the other person dies.
L
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Yes, I have heard that before. And yes, forgiveness is something you do for yourself.
And no, I do not forgive him. Maybe my view on that will change, but for now. I do not, and I do not want to. And that I am doing for myself.
The post was more so about why continue to process painful thoughts, but I appreciate your point.
And no, I do not forgive him. Maybe my view on that will change, but for now. I do not, and I do not want to. And that I am doing for myself.
The post was more so about why continue to process painful thoughts, but I appreciate your point.
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..and also, there will never be a day that I wish him dead. I don't need to forgive him to know that I do not want physical harm to be brought on him.
I think there is a point missing though....what was brought to my attention on more than one occassion about forgiveness is that just because you don't forgive someone doesnt' mean you are holding on to resentment. It doesn't mean that you wish them harm, it doesn't mean that you wish them bad things....it just means you have made the choice to move on with your life and make the personal choice to maybe not say "It's ok, I forgive you."
I am choosing to say "It's not ok, I don't forgive you, but I wish for us to both live our best lives...you are no longer a part of mine, but thank you for the valuable lesson."
I think there is a point missing though....what was brought to my attention on more than one occassion about forgiveness is that just because you don't forgive someone doesnt' mean you are holding on to resentment. It doesn't mean that you wish them harm, it doesn't mean that you wish them bad things....it just means you have made the choice to move on with your life and make the personal choice to maybe not say "It's ok, I forgive you."
I am choosing to say "It's not ok, I don't forgive you, but I wish for us to both live our best lives...you are no longer a part of mine, but thank you for the valuable lesson."
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Are you talking about forgiveness or holding on to painful thoughts?
They are 2 different things in my opinion. Holding on to painful thoughts means processing it over and over, how I feel the hurt, questionning my value my self worth based on the experience.... those are MY painful thoughts.
They have nothing to do with resenting him.
They are 2 different things in my opinion. Holding on to painful thoughts means processing it over and over, how I feel the hurt, questionning my value my self worth based on the experience.... those are MY painful thoughts.
They have nothing to do with resenting him.
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See, I can't really separate it in my mind. For me, letting go of the painful thoughts means letting go of the resentment, and that ultimately means forgiveness.
That's just how it worked for me. But, you absolutely have the right to continue holding on to the pain for as long as you like.
L
That's just how it worked for me. But, you absolutely have the right to continue holding on to the pain for as long as you like.
L
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It has been my personal experience that what I need to do to let go of the past -- and its pain and the resentment that nurtures that pain -- is acceptance, not necessarily or always forgiveness. In fact, I strongly believe that there are some situations in which forgiveness is dangerous for me I and that there are some things that it is truly only in the right of and in the power of God to forgive. Also, although the more quickly I can achieve acceptance, the better, I've found that it is not good, healthy or respectful on myself and of my own experience for me to try to hurry the process of forgiveness along, even in situations in which it is eventually possible. If I accept and move forward on my healing/spiritual journey, then forgiveness seems to come for me when (and if) it's safe and right.
But acceptance is definitely absolutely necessary for me if I am to be able to learn all I can from the past; to stop allowing it to have negative, limiting power over me; and to move freely into in a better future.
If you are struggling with this, I would highly recommend the books Forgive For Good, by Frederick Luskin (This was the first thing I ever read about forgiveness and accpetance that actually made any real sense to me and contained practical strategies that I could actually implement easily in my everyday life.), and How Can I forgive You: The Courage to Forgive, The Freedom Not To, by Janis Abrahms Spring.
freya
But acceptance is definitely absolutely necessary for me if I am to be able to learn all I can from the past; to stop allowing it to have negative, limiting power over me; and to move freely into in a better future.
If you are struggling with this, I would highly recommend the books Forgive For Good, by Frederick Luskin (This was the first thing I ever read about forgiveness and accpetance that actually made any real sense to me and contained practical strategies that I could actually implement easily in my everyday life.), and How Can I forgive You: The Courage to Forgive, The Freedom Not To, by Janis Abrahms Spring.
freya
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I feel that's a bit condescending when I am sitting here saying that is a way for me to NOT hold on to the pain.
For MONTHS I have been processing all of this, taking the things I read here, what works for people, what is healthy to do what is not healthy to do, talking to my therapist about it, reading about it, talking to my friends about it....on and on and on.....
Wanting SOOO much to put all of this behind me, and be able to let go and move on, and I got a different perspective from my therapist and others, that I maybe resonate with a little more so than the road you have chosen to take and you say to me "hold on to the pain as long as you like..."...
Now i'm upset. I don't appreciate it. This is ALL very hard, very difficult, for everyone in their own way, and sometimes maybe you have to appreciate someone else's point of view. When I write threads I do so and generally try to ask at the end, share your experiences on maybe your thoughts on this...I do NOT expect someone to judge or condescend my thoughts on my process of MY pain.
For MONTHS I have been processing all of this, taking the things I read here, what works for people, what is healthy to do what is not healthy to do, talking to my therapist about it, reading about it, talking to my friends about it....on and on and on.....
Wanting SOOO much to put all of this behind me, and be able to let go and move on, and I got a different perspective from my therapist and others, that I maybe resonate with a little more so than the road you have chosen to take and you say to me "hold on to the pain as long as you like..."...
Now i'm upset. I don't appreciate it. This is ALL very hard, very difficult, for everyone in their own way, and sometimes maybe you have to appreciate someone else's point of view. When I write threads I do so and generally try to ask at the end, share your experiences on maybe your thoughts on this...I do NOT expect someone to judge or condescend my thoughts on my process of MY pain.
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Anvil- I sooo appreciate your experience.
You know, I look back to and know that my XA never really wanted me here. I know that he didn't set out to hurt me.
But he made a choices just like I did.
There are things you have a right to be VERY angry about. There are certain aspects of my time with my XA that I have a right to be VERY angry about. He made a choice, to lie, sleep with his ex lie to me about flying her here and proceed to make me feel like I was stupid and horrible for even thinking that he would do that, and I actually apologized at one point for distrusting him.... oh yes, and then finding out I was right the entire time.
His conscious choice to lie. Now why do we lie?...generally to cover our actions, because we don't WANT the other person to be hurt, and especially when we dont' want them to be hurt because of our actions. That would involve admitting you are wrong. And then blaming me for "ruining our friendship"..... Ummmmm, yeas not really ready to apply the whole forgiveness thing. I really connect with what Freya said.
But I also feel that the point of my post somehow has been lost in translation....
I wrote about an epiphany I had while I was processing painful thoughts and feelings, and realizing why I maybe hold on to them. The point of realization is to then be able to work through that and then let go. The post is not about refusing to let go...it is about the opposite.
You know, I look back to and know that my XA never really wanted me here. I know that he didn't set out to hurt me.
But he made a choices just like I did.
There are things you have a right to be VERY angry about. There are certain aspects of my time with my XA that I have a right to be VERY angry about. He made a choice, to lie, sleep with his ex lie to me about flying her here and proceed to make me feel like I was stupid and horrible for even thinking that he would do that, and I actually apologized at one point for distrusting him.... oh yes, and then finding out I was right the entire time.
His conscious choice to lie. Now why do we lie?...generally to cover our actions, because we don't WANT the other person to be hurt, and especially when we dont' want them to be hurt because of our actions. That would involve admitting you are wrong. And then blaming me for "ruining our friendship"..... Ummmmm, yeas not really ready to apply the whole forgiveness thing. I really connect with what Freya said.
But I also feel that the point of my post somehow has been lost in translation....
I wrote about an epiphany I had while I was processing painful thoughts and feelings, and realizing why I maybe hold on to them. The point of realization is to then be able to work through that and then let go. The post is not about refusing to let go...it is about the opposite.
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[QUOTE=freya;2575910]It has been my personal experience that what I need to do to let go of the past -- and its pain and the resentment that nurtures that pain -- is acceptance, not necessarily or always forgiveness.
QUOTE]
This is how I feel too. I dont need to forgive him but I need to accept what he is and did. This takes time and patience for me. But I am trying. Acceptance is hard for me because its just to hard to believe someone can do the things they have done to me. I guess I compare it tom myself and I cant do those things to someone. That is probably bad but that is where I stand. Accepting the unbelieveable and painful..
QUOTE]
This is how I feel too. I dont need to forgive him but I need to accept what he is and did. This takes time and patience for me. But I am trying. Acceptance is hard for me because its just to hard to believe someone can do the things they have done to me. I guess I compare it tom myself and I cant do those things to someone. That is probably bad but that is where I stand. Accepting the unbelieveable and painful..
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Hi Kitty
I also got angry when receiving similar responses when the pain was so fresh. I thought I was being bashed by feeling and that I should have known better.. about everything!!
As Melody Beatty says "its a process". Many things I took personal or perceived as an attack... because it was too early for me.. as freya says time will pass and you will become stronger and wiser and perhaps if you read the thread again you'll find some things resonate more easily or find other truths or perspectives.
I held to pain for the full year 2009. Sometimes I still go back.
Perhaps as well, you've made lots of efforts on the rational side of your being... what about the physical and the spiritual sides of you? for instance dancing and drawing have been great healers too. Perhaps its time to close the books and take a break from the therapy and go on a trip that excites you, or explore new things in your city? or get out with all the friends who haven't received a call from you recently?
Just a few suggestions.
I get what you mean and also believe one can accept and move on. And one can accept, forgive and move on.
I also believe when you go for forgiveness there is also a sense of finality. But that's just me...
Not so much as a) "it was ok you did X"
More like b) "it is ok for you to be human, and for me to be human"
With a) I find it easy to tke the role of victim/martyr/perfect woman.
With b) I realize I took part of what happened consciously or subconsciously.
So b is an extra gift to oneself because you can take what you were and what you did before, and compare it to the choices you would make now and realize your progress.
a) is OK too but when I have been there (for months also) I have felt there's a wild monkey I still let go wild in my mind and my thoughts and memories come more often. A) brings the past more especially when there's a trigger or I'm vulnerable and its a huge struggle once again.
B) is an extra gift to oneself because it allows us to be present in the now. Because it allows us to be an equal to the "perpetrator" and more humble thus closer to God. I cannot feel God's presence when I believe I am God and able to judge and that I know how everything should be like
my ego takes too much space and doesn't allow beauty to come in.
Well just what I have experienced. I hope you feel better soon. "trust the process".
TC999
PS Also-melody beatty says mourning, feeling sad angry... and feeling acceptance is "the forgiving process". So that is another view when even if you don't want to forgive as an Extra Step, taking the time to mourn and doing what you are doing is already forgiving. Like an organic thing that happens without effort and comes as a consequence of the other "stages".
PPS I also got that twisted thinking that if I'm angry then I'm making him "pay"!! not sure where I learned that. I think I was not used to be excited and happy and motivated so for me its something known..to feel sad or indifferent or unlucky.. to avoid seeing myself and taking charge (duh!) of my own life.. my plants.. my pets.. my job.. my friends.. so its also laziness from my part. To avoid being an adult.
Thanks for letting me ramble in your thread.
I also got angry when receiving similar responses when the pain was so fresh. I thought I was being bashed by feeling and that I should have known better.. about everything!!
As Melody Beatty says "its a process". Many things I took personal or perceived as an attack... because it was too early for me.. as freya says time will pass and you will become stronger and wiser and perhaps if you read the thread again you'll find some things resonate more easily or find other truths or perspectives.
I held to pain for the full year 2009. Sometimes I still go back.
Perhaps as well, you've made lots of efforts on the rational side of your being... what about the physical and the spiritual sides of you? for instance dancing and drawing have been great healers too. Perhaps its time to close the books and take a break from the therapy and go on a trip that excites you, or explore new things in your city? or get out with all the friends who haven't received a call from you recently?
Just a few suggestions.
I get what you mean and also believe one can accept and move on. And one can accept, forgive and move on.
I also believe when you go for forgiveness there is also a sense of finality. But that's just me...
Not so much as a) "it was ok you did X"
More like b) "it is ok for you to be human, and for me to be human"
With a) I find it easy to tke the role of victim/martyr/perfect woman.
With b) I realize I took part of what happened consciously or subconsciously.
So b is an extra gift to oneself because you can take what you were and what you did before, and compare it to the choices you would make now and realize your progress.
a) is OK too but when I have been there (for months also) I have felt there's a wild monkey I still let go wild in my mind and my thoughts and memories come more often. A) brings the past more especially when there's a trigger or I'm vulnerable and its a huge struggle once again.
B) is an extra gift to oneself because it allows us to be present in the now. Because it allows us to be an equal to the "perpetrator" and more humble thus closer to God. I cannot feel God's presence when I believe I am God and able to judge and that I know how everything should be like
my ego takes too much space and doesn't allow beauty to come in.Well just what I have experienced. I hope you feel better soon. "trust the process".
TC999
PS Also-melody beatty says mourning, feeling sad angry... and feeling acceptance is "the forgiving process". So that is another view when even if you don't want to forgive as an Extra Step, taking the time to mourn and doing what you are doing is already forgiving. Like an organic thing that happens without effort and comes as a consequence of the other "stages".
PPS I also got that twisted thinking that if I'm angry then I'm making him "pay"!! not sure where I learned that. I think I was not used to be excited and happy and motivated so for me its something known..to feel sad or indifferent or unlucky.. to avoid seeing myself and taking charge (duh!) of my own life.. my plants.. my pets.. my job.. my friends.. so its also laziness from my part. To avoid being an adult.
Thanks for letting me ramble in your thread.
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TC- 
I may be a little further along in the healing process than may come across through these threads, atleast that's how I am feeling, and I am grateful for that.
There is much that is probably a little raw for me at the moment, because my moving day is coming up in about 3 weeks. The finality of my time here is coming to a close. And when I am 1000 miles away, back around my friends, some family, a positive atmosphere, there is no doubt that what I am feeling today will be lifted times 100.
I am extremely accepting of everyone's point of view. And I am also very aware of how things are said...... I certainly don't perceive things as an attack, however I do think that some things are a little rude.
You are fully aware of your experiences, just as I am fully aware of mine. No one can tell you what you are feeling or how you are processing it.
I am self-aware enough to know and be honest with myself, so when it is suggested to me that I am choosing to do something when I am clearly saying I am not....well, all I can do is know that I know what I am doing and feeling. Period.
I have a very strong personality, and if anything I have learned to stand up for myself more than I ever have before. I speak my mind, and I fight for what I believe in. And that is me.
I may be a little further along in the healing process than may come across through these threads, atleast that's how I am feeling, and I am grateful for that.
There is much that is probably a little raw for me at the moment, because my moving day is coming up in about 3 weeks. The finality of my time here is coming to a close. And when I am 1000 miles away, back around my friends, some family, a positive atmosphere, there is no doubt that what I am feeling today will be lifted times 100.
I am extremely accepting of everyone's point of view. And I am also very aware of how things are said...... I certainly don't perceive things as an attack, however I do think that some things are a little rude.
You are fully aware of your experiences, just as I am fully aware of mine. No one can tell you what you are feeling or how you are processing it.
I am self-aware enough to know and be honest with myself, so when it is suggested to me that I am choosing to do something when I am clearly saying I am not....well, all I can do is know that I know what I am doing and feeling. Period.
I have a very strong personality, and if anything I have learned to stand up for myself more than I ever have before. I speak my mind, and I fight for what I believe in. And that is me.
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I'm sorry if I came across as rude. I didn't intend to. The point I was trying to make was the same point Anvil made:
L
Originally Posted by anvilhead 
every choice we make has a price. what is THIS choice costing you? how much head space does HE still rent? what's the payoff for refusing to let it go?
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Once I gained acceptance (and divorce - lets not underestimate that gift, lol) I was able to let go of resentment. That was so freeing.
Not long ago I posted that I was not ready for forgiveness. I am getting close. I had a week of overwhelming sadness and grief and maybe that helped me take a step forward in the end? I'm not sure.
I know that after acceptance of what and who my xah is, and the letting go of lots of resentment that was really eating me alive, I was also free to look at some of the things I did that were not healthy and that damaged the relationship (and that I will carry with me into future relationships if I don't address it.) When I was so raving mad and full of resentment and hate there was no room for me to honestly look at myself.
I think the biggest thing, and the thing that perhaps started the grief/sadness, is the integration, in my mind, of the man that is my xah. The integration of all the good times and the awful things that were said and done by him. I had separated them and denied the good parts. I've known him for 16+ years. Of course there were good times and memories and experiences. We had babies together and shared dreams and joys. If I integrate that there is a loss.....and possibly some forgiveness. He called this morning and I did answer because it is Wed. (a day he should see the kids). I was not anxious, or mad, or triggered (of course he didn't say anything that would raise up my hackles either). He is also not seeing the kids tonight.
I do not hold onto the painful thoughts like you expressed. I don't know why. Good for you for being able to take a look at that and consciously work through it. I think my xah probably is doing all of that, only with zero self-awareness. I think my xah is fiercely desperately co-dependent. I can't relate to his alcoholism but I can relate to that and my heart breaks for the pain he must be in. Of course he is drowning it. I can feel the heartbreak from a distance though and not feel like a traitor for leaving him to it.
I'm also not stupid. He owes me $1000 and is suppose to start paying me $500/month through the courts on May 1st and he doesn't have any money. He's trying to manipulate me into not causing a ruckus about it. I already have the paperwork filled out to get it from his checks. I'll send it in the day after his first missed payment. I'll have to take him back to court for the $1k. Along with forgiveness, acceptance comes strength and clarity. Here me roar. OK, it is just a little meow but quite a determined one, lol.
Not long ago I posted that I was not ready for forgiveness. I am getting close. I had a week of overwhelming sadness and grief and maybe that helped me take a step forward in the end? I'm not sure.
I know that after acceptance of what and who my xah is, and the letting go of lots of resentment that was really eating me alive, I was also free to look at some of the things I did that were not healthy and that damaged the relationship (and that I will carry with me into future relationships if I don't address it.) When I was so raving mad and full of resentment and hate there was no room for me to honestly look at myself.
I think the biggest thing, and the thing that perhaps started the grief/sadness, is the integration, in my mind, of the man that is my xah. The integration of all the good times and the awful things that were said and done by him. I had separated them and denied the good parts. I've known him for 16+ years. Of course there were good times and memories and experiences. We had babies together and shared dreams and joys. If I integrate that there is a loss.....and possibly some forgiveness. He called this morning and I did answer because it is Wed. (a day he should see the kids). I was not anxious, or mad, or triggered (of course he didn't say anything that would raise up my hackles either). He is also not seeing the kids tonight.
I do not hold onto the painful thoughts like you expressed. I don't know why. Good for you for being able to take a look at that and consciously work through it. I think my xah probably is doing all of that, only with zero self-awareness. I think my xah is fiercely desperately co-dependent. I can't relate to his alcoholism but I can relate to that and my heart breaks for the pain he must be in. Of course he is drowning it. I can feel the heartbreak from a distance though and not feel like a traitor for leaving him to it.
I'm also not stupid. He owes me $1000 and is suppose to start paying me $500/month through the courts on May 1st and he doesn't have any money. He's trying to manipulate me into not causing a ruckus about it. I already have the paperwork filled out to get it from his checks. I'll send it in the day after his first missed payment. I'll have to take him back to court for the $1k. Along with forgiveness, acceptance comes strength and clarity. Here me roar. OK, it is just a little meow but quite a determined one, lol.
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BTW, it takes as long as it takes. I remember when I first came here I was reading posts of people who had severed their relationship with their A 1,2,3 years prior and were only beginning to get to a place of letting go of resentment, acceptance, forgiveness. And I remember thinking OMG, I don't want to spend that long 'healing.'
Well, it's been that long and then some for me, and it's a blink of an eye in the grand scheme of things.
Oh, as far as tools that help, I found journaling to be a great help in letting go of resentments. Just downloading it all from my brain to a piece of paper made letting it go a bit easier.
Good luck on your journey.
L
Well, it's been that long and then some for me, and it's a blink of an eye in the grand scheme of things.
Oh, as far as tools that help, I found journaling to be a great help in letting go of resentments. Just downloading it all from my brain to a piece of paper made letting it go a bit easier.
Good luck on your journey.
L
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I don't have time to offer a thoughtful response now ( I have to write a paper which I have been putting off!)...
but I did specifically want to thank you LTD for the apology and clarification. It is appreciated.... and now I understand what you were trying to convey as well.
Kitty
but I did specifically want to thank you LTD for the apology and clarification. It is appreciated.... and now I understand what you were trying to convey as well.
Kitty
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Hi Kitty -
I am definitely not as far along as a lot of you in this healing process, although this is the second time I have had to go through it, but I wanted to throw in how I feel because the pain is the part I CANNOT seem to let go of - even in my last relationship which was also with an A for 7 years (just not abusive).
Forgiveness - I have ALWAYS been a firm believer of forgiveness until I have had to deal with current A. I forgave him the first time. Once I did that, it was like my mind said "GREAT! You forgave him, now you can work on being friends..." - UGH! Bad idea. That is exactly what I did and then friends turned back into a relationship and here I am again, same crap.
You forgive, you forget, you move on right? Not in my case, ever. I never forget. So my mind conflicts with my forgiveness skills, so to say, because I believe once you forgive somebody, you do exactly that. You don't bring it up again, you don't hold it over their heads but you make sure they don't do it to you again. Well, when it is hard to forget it is hard to let go of the resentment of what has happened and it is hard not to be angry with that person for whatever they did and not hold it over their heads...
I think forgiveness does help you let go of some of the resentment but I don't necessarily think letting go of the resentment would be a good thing for me. I think accepting what happened is what I will do but I don't think I will ever allow myself to forgive him either or I could possibly end up in the same situation over and over again. I need some of that resentment and some of that anger to keep me in check from ever forgiving my current A or any future relationships I might have because it always seems to put me right back where I was.
I know the anger and resentment will not be as overpowering as time goes on, but I do always want to have a little of that still in me because what was done to me is not okay and it is something I should always be a little angry about and remember how it was so I never end up there again.
I have two pains - the "sad, crying, I miss everything, guilty" pain and the "angry, I hate him, wish he was dead or I was dead because it would be easier" pain.
You stated: To me, when I start to feel ok, it's like I am saying to him...."what you did wasn't that bad to me, you get to lie to me, use me, discard me, and move on and it didn't ruin me, so you have NOTHING to feel bad about!"
Does that make sense? It's such a twisted way of thinking. It's thinking that more I hurt, the more guilt he will ultimately feel.
I am opposite in my pain but it TOTALLY makes sense.
Some days I feel great and that is when the "sad, crying, I miss everything, guilty" pain comes in. I think it is because this is so fresh for me with us not being together - a month and counting - that I feel like if I have a good day, that is not okay because I should be mourning him and I should be upset. Does that make sense? I am wondering if the further along I get in accepting the fact that we are not together, I might transfer my pain into the sort of pain you are feeling where I don't want him getting off scott free, this is actually how I felt with my first ABF after 7 years. So I am hoping it happens to me with this one because after that type of pain I felt for months on end, it was over. I still feel it when I think about the way things were with first A, then pain is still there, but I handle it much better - no tears, nothing. And we are actually friends again - he is going on 4 years sober now - and yet, I still remind him in certain ways that I still have this pain and I won't allow him to hurt me even as just a friend.
The other pain I feel usually only comes when there is contact and current A is drunk. So far that seems to be how it is.
Anyways, I totally get what you are saying and I totally understand.
Sorry I rambled. Been struggling with pain too!!
I am definitely not as far along as a lot of you in this healing process, although this is the second time I have had to go through it, but I wanted to throw in how I feel because the pain is the part I CANNOT seem to let go of - even in my last relationship which was also with an A for 7 years (just not abusive).
Forgiveness - I have ALWAYS been a firm believer of forgiveness until I have had to deal with current A. I forgave him the first time. Once I did that, it was like my mind said "GREAT! You forgave him, now you can work on being friends..." - UGH! Bad idea. That is exactly what I did and then friends turned back into a relationship and here I am again, same crap.
You forgive, you forget, you move on right? Not in my case, ever. I never forget. So my mind conflicts with my forgiveness skills, so to say, because I believe once you forgive somebody, you do exactly that. You don't bring it up again, you don't hold it over their heads but you make sure they don't do it to you again. Well, when it is hard to forget it is hard to let go of the resentment of what has happened and it is hard not to be angry with that person for whatever they did and not hold it over their heads...
I think forgiveness does help you let go of some of the resentment but I don't necessarily think letting go of the resentment would be a good thing for me. I think accepting what happened is what I will do but I don't think I will ever allow myself to forgive him either or I could possibly end up in the same situation over and over again. I need some of that resentment and some of that anger to keep me in check from ever forgiving my current A or any future relationships I might have because it always seems to put me right back where I was.
I know the anger and resentment will not be as overpowering as time goes on, but I do always want to have a little of that still in me because what was done to me is not okay and it is something I should always be a little angry about and remember how it was so I never end up there again.
I have two pains - the "sad, crying, I miss everything, guilty" pain and the "angry, I hate him, wish he was dead or I was dead because it would be easier" pain.
You stated: To me, when I start to feel ok, it's like I am saying to him...."what you did wasn't that bad to me, you get to lie to me, use me, discard me, and move on and it didn't ruin me, so you have NOTHING to feel bad about!"
Does that make sense? It's such a twisted way of thinking. It's thinking that more I hurt, the more guilt he will ultimately feel.
I am opposite in my pain but it TOTALLY makes sense.
Some days I feel great and that is when the "sad, crying, I miss everything, guilty" pain comes in. I think it is because this is so fresh for me with us not being together - a month and counting - that I feel like if I have a good day, that is not okay because I should be mourning him and I should be upset. Does that make sense? I am wondering if the further along I get in accepting the fact that we are not together, I might transfer my pain into the sort of pain you are feeling where I don't want him getting off scott free, this is actually how I felt with my first ABF after 7 years. So I am hoping it happens to me with this one because after that type of pain I felt for months on end, it was over. I still feel it when I think about the way things were with first A, then pain is still there, but I handle it much better - no tears, nothing. And we are actually friends again - he is going on 4 years sober now - and yet, I still remind him in certain ways that I still have this pain and I won't allow him to hurt me even as just a friend.
The other pain I feel usually only comes when there is contact and current A is drunk. So far that seems to be how it is.
Anyways, I totally get what you are saying and I totally understand.
Sorry I rambled. Been struggling with pain too!!
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I'm with Anvil: I've learned in recent years that I am not the center of the universe. I also see how my emotional immaturity had me believing that I WAS the center of the universe.
I have historically held onto my pains for as long as possible. There are many and varying reasons why but I'll give just one, the strongest: Because I liked to feel that intense feeling. It's how I knew I was alive. I'm different now, thank God.
I have historically held onto my pains for as long as possible. There are many and varying reasons why but I'll give just one, the strongest: Because I liked to feel that intense feeling. It's how I knew I was alive. I'm different now, thank God.
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