Hitting Bottom
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 18
Hitting Bottom
Lots of things have been said about the alcoholic "hitting bottom", but I'd like to say a few things about the family hitting bottom.
My daughter has been an alcoholic since late 2002. In 2003, she would not/could not stop drinking, so I asked her to leave and she signed over guardianship for my granddaughter and grandson "temporarily".
She lived on the street for a while and then was living in an apt for a while provided by a homeless coalition.
Four years ago, she came back to live with us because she had been sober (according to her) for over a year.
It worked for a while, and then relapse after relapse. Hospital stays, detox, coming home drunk.....
Well, we finally hit bottom 6 weeks ago when she came home drunk again. We tried to avoid any conversation with her because (as you know) it is pointless to try and communicate with a drunk.
She did a lot of screaming, accusing, and when she started to throw things we called the police.
She was tazed, arrested and after spending another 2 weeks in the hospital, is in another rehab til the 20th.
I had to tell her that she can not come back. My son, my grandchildren and I have hit the bottom....we can't take any more.
She is toxic to us...and we are toxic to her.
I have spoken as gently as I could to the kids about their mother's disease...but they both have said they want no part of her anymore.
I spoke to them about holding on to these feelings and I hope things get better, but they are certainly entitled to feel the way they do.
She is almost 16 and he is 13....and I think we have all had enough.
I've suggested Ala-teen, but at the moment the last thing they want to do is talk about alcoholism. My granddaughter is in therapy and hopefully that will help her deal with the negative feelings she has about her mother.
My grandson is not yet in therapy, but I am sure he will be soon.
With the stress of her being gone, what a difference in the house.
Thanks for letting me vent.
My daughter has been an alcoholic since late 2002. In 2003, she would not/could not stop drinking, so I asked her to leave and she signed over guardianship for my granddaughter and grandson "temporarily".
She lived on the street for a while and then was living in an apt for a while provided by a homeless coalition.
Four years ago, she came back to live with us because she had been sober (according to her) for over a year.
It worked for a while, and then relapse after relapse. Hospital stays, detox, coming home drunk.....
Well, we finally hit bottom 6 weeks ago when she came home drunk again. We tried to avoid any conversation with her because (as you know) it is pointless to try and communicate with a drunk.
She did a lot of screaming, accusing, and when she started to throw things we called the police.
She was tazed, arrested and after spending another 2 weeks in the hospital, is in another rehab til the 20th.
I had to tell her that she can not come back. My son, my grandchildren and I have hit the bottom....we can't take any more.
She is toxic to us...and we are toxic to her.
I have spoken as gently as I could to the kids about their mother's disease...but they both have said they want no part of her anymore.
I spoke to them about holding on to these feelings and I hope things get better, but they are certainly entitled to feel the way they do.
She is almost 16 and he is 13....and I think we have all had enough.
I've suggested Ala-teen, but at the moment the last thing they want to do is talk about alcoholism. My granddaughter is in therapy and hopefully that will help her deal with the negative feelings she has about her mother.
My grandson is not yet in therapy, but I am sure he will be soon.
With the stress of her being gone, what a difference in the house.
Thanks for letting me vent.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,913
I'm so sorry this has happened. You are so right that families of addicts have a bottom, too. That's when they make the decision to take care of themselves and leave the addict to figure out how to take care of themselves. You can't fix her and you know that. Now you realize that taking care of yourself and your grandchildren is the only thing you can do. Your daughter will do whatever she is going to do. 
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Central Florida
Posts: 215
My heart goes out to you. I have been on both ends in life. As a person who is in recovery now. I hurt my dad alot when I was active. I was 'tough loved' and got locked up. It took what it took for me. Fast forward ten years, I have an active step daughter. So I wear the other shoe now. Hugs to you.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 405
Dear Sadandtired,
It is so great for your grandchildren that they are so loved by their grandmother. It is so wonderful that you are giving them love and words and tools to deal with this incredibly difficult situation!
It is so great for your grandchildren that they are so loved by their grandmother. It is so wonderful that you are giving them love and words and tools to deal with this incredibly difficult situation!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I remember when I finally hit a bottom too with my now 32 year old AD.
Your grandchildren are blessed to have your love, caring, and support.
I tried for years to get custody of my granddaughter after she was born. Unless I had unlimited funds and a darned good attorney, it wasn't going to happen.
By the time my grandson came along 6 years later, I was exhausted.
My granddaughter is now 14, and unfortunately she made the choice to live with her mother this past school year, and her father let her go (he had custody of both children).
I see the effects my AD's disease has had on those kids.
I am powerless over their situation, but I am not helpless.
Those kids both know they have a safe place to come to whenever they want, a home full of love and laughter.
I cherish the times that I do have them for a stay, and I keep them in my prayers every night.
Your grandchildren are blessed to have your love, caring, and support.
I tried for years to get custody of my granddaughter after she was born. Unless I had unlimited funds and a darned good attorney, it wasn't going to happen.
By the time my grandson came along 6 years later, I was exhausted.
My granddaughter is now 14, and unfortunately she made the choice to live with her mother this past school year, and her father let her go (he had custody of both children).
I see the effects my AD's disease has had on those kids.
I am powerless over their situation, but I am not helpless.
Those kids both know they have a safe place to come to whenever they want, a home full of love and laughter.
I cherish the times that I do have them for a stay, and I keep them in my prayers every night.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 18
Thanks for the kind words...all of you.
Freedom:
When my daughter's drinking escalated, I told her she could not stay and keep drinking. She said, fine she would leave with the kids. I told her that the first time she was found to be drinking with the kids in her custody (they were 6 and 9 at the time) they would be placed in foster homes. I would get them out...but the trauma of being taken away from family would be long-lasting.
So, about a month later I asked her to voluntarily sign guardianship over to us.....while she worked on getting sober.
The court gave us permanent guardianship 7 months later.
It looks like it will stay this way until they are 18.
Freedom:
When my daughter's drinking escalated, I told her she could not stay and keep drinking. She said, fine she would leave with the kids. I told her that the first time she was found to be drinking with the kids in her custody (they were 6 and 9 at the time) they would be placed in foster homes. I would get them out...but the trauma of being taken away from family would be long-lasting.
So, about a month later I asked her to voluntarily sign guardianship over to us.....while she worked on getting sober.
The court gave us permanent guardianship 7 months later.
It looks like it will stay this way until they are 18.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
Hello SadAndTired...you are a very good example of the saying that goes "Nothing changes if nothing changes"... its great to hear about a very strong and loving mother who does not hold her convictions inside of her and hands out some tough love to their addicted child.. I have to say that you have had it very rough and yet you know in your heart of hearts that this can be the only way to not only finish the raising of her children but also of teaching a daughter the "how to do it" in life....addiction or no addiction it can only be one way - the right way....which is always the hard way. You have my respect all the way across the board. Stay Strong.
Janitw
Janitw
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
My heart goes out to you. Unfortunately it is so often that the family hits bottom long before the addict does, if they ever do.
You grandchildren are blessed in having you there for them, because often the kids of addicts, are stuck between mum/dad and social services fostering.....not a real big choice.
I have you, the children and your daughter in my prayers.
God bless
You grandchildren are blessed in having you there for them, because often the kids of addicts, are stuck between mum/dad and social services fostering.....not a real big choice.
I have you, the children and your daughter in my prayers.
God bless
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
I am sooooooo sorry. I know you never stopped loving her but as we have learned the "hard way" we must let go at least physically to allow them to make their own decisions about stopping drinking.
Big big hug
Big big hug
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 18
Well, she is out of rehab....she could have stayed another 30 days, but she elected not to. She came by for the rest of her stuff and moved in with a friend......sad but necessary.
We'll see how she does..........
We'll see how she does..........
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Originally Posted by sadandtired 
Well, she is out of rehab....she could have stayed another 30 days, but she elected not to. She came by for the rest of her stuff and moved in with a friend......sad but necessary.
We'll see how she does..........
We'll see how she does..........
sorry she elected not to do the rehab. that really says it all right now.
thank hp for your strength to get her out of the house. i know that was difficult, from my own experience.
and thank hp that you are there for your grandchildren.
what can you do for you?
Beth
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
Ditto. Kudos to you!
I am so sorry you and the children are going through this, but I gotta say...you sound remarkably level-headed and wise. You sound like a rock for these kids that they desperately need. I know you have to be making a difference in their lives, and they will be eternally grateful.
I am so sorry you and the children are going through this, but I gotta say...you sound remarkably level-headed and wise. You sound like a rock for these kids that they desperately need. I know you have to be making a difference in their lives, and they will be eternally grateful.
Originally Posted by Janitw
Hello SadAndTired...you are a very good example of the saying that goes "Nothing changes if nothing changes"... its great to hear about a very strong and loving mother who does not hold her convictions inside of her and hands out some tough love to their addicted child.. I have to say that you have had it very rough and yet you know in your heart of hearts that this can be the only way to not only finish the raising of her children but also of teaching a daughter the "how to do it" in life....addiction or no addiction it can only be one way - the right way....which is always the hard way. You have my respect all the way across the board. Stay Strong.
Janitw
Janitw
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