Growing to cold?....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
Growing to cold?....
One of my biggest fears is that I will become like both my mother and father, emotionless and cold.
But does this mean that I hold on to relationships which are unhealthy for me because it's the "right" thing to do? I am learning no, I do not.
I got a friends request on FB yesterday from one of my mothers sisters (she has 13 bros and sis's). This aunt has not kept in touch with me for 20 years, she is not a nice person, she is gossipy and she is a racist. There is nothing about her that I care to associate myself with. She sent this request without sending a simple message to ask how I have been.
I blocked her. Yes, there are family members who simply want to "stalk" your life.
I also blocked one of my sisters. This sister is also mean, passive aggressive, purposefully hurtful, and I have tried on numerous occassions to reach out to her and make her a part of my life.
She is so disinterested in being in my life, and makes no effort. Everytime I would see a post from her to someone else, it would hurt a little that she never bothered to reach out to me.
My struggle was "when do I literally let these people go, stop trying so hard and move on? Is it OK to let go of family?"
And I wondered if maybe I was now hurting myself more than them by letting them go.... because one of the things I long for is family.
It's the same thing with a pattern in relationships.... I accept crumbs. Even crumbs from the people who are supposed to be closest to me.
I just cannot do that any longer. If there is a consistency of hurt that comes with an association to certain people, then those people are maybe not meant to be in my life.
My therapist would tell me she wanted to see that I was more angry with my parents than I really showed. I don't think I really understood how to be angry with them. I think I understand it now. My mother is also a very mean person, who really makes no effort to be a part of my life. And yes, it is my right to be angry about that, not accept that treatment, and choose to move on with my life.
I think my therapist was trying to teach me that it's okay to be angry and it's okay to walk away from the people we think we can't walk away from because they are "family" or because we don't think it's the right thing to do.
I will not accept crumbs from men or family...and that's just the way it goes.
But does this mean that I hold on to relationships which are unhealthy for me because it's the "right" thing to do? I am learning no, I do not.
I got a friends request on FB yesterday from one of my mothers sisters (she has 13 bros and sis's). This aunt has not kept in touch with me for 20 years, she is not a nice person, she is gossipy and she is a racist. There is nothing about her that I care to associate myself with. She sent this request without sending a simple message to ask how I have been.
I blocked her. Yes, there are family members who simply want to "stalk" your life.
I also blocked one of my sisters. This sister is also mean, passive aggressive, purposefully hurtful, and I have tried on numerous occassions to reach out to her and make her a part of my life.
She is so disinterested in being in my life, and makes no effort. Everytime I would see a post from her to someone else, it would hurt a little that she never bothered to reach out to me.
My struggle was "when do I literally let these people go, stop trying so hard and move on? Is it OK to let go of family?"
And I wondered if maybe I was now hurting myself more than them by letting them go.... because one of the things I long for is family.
It's the same thing with a pattern in relationships.... I accept crumbs. Even crumbs from the people who are supposed to be closest to me.
I just cannot do that any longer. If there is a consistency of hurt that comes with an association to certain people, then those people are maybe not meant to be in my life.
My therapist would tell me she wanted to see that I was more angry with my parents than I really showed. I don't think I really understood how to be angry with them. I think I understand it now. My mother is also a very mean person, who really makes no effort to be a part of my life. And yes, it is my right to be angry about that, not accept that treatment, and choose to move on with my life.
I think my therapist was trying to teach me that it's okay to be angry and it's okay to walk away from the people we think we can't walk away from because they are "family" or because we don't think it's the right thing to do.
I will not accept crumbs from men or family...and that's just the way it goes.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
I've been wondering the same thing myself, Kitty. I, too, can make a list of people I've purposely extracted from my life. The latest is my addict-son. Prior 'extractions' have been my sister (passive-aggressive BS got so tiring), my cousin who droned on and on and on about her evil ex-husband.....for 13 years, and a good friend who is mentally unstable and I felt was lying and taking advantage of me. Now I'm looking to extract my husband! So have I gone too far? What am I doing wrong? Or am I? I have many dear friends.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
Good choice to block the FB requests. FB can be a major source of unnecessary commotion. Just remember, Kitty, that your choices are to encourage YOUR healing. Elliminating contact with people who stir up negativity is not cold. It is necessary for your own peace and healing.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
I ABSOLUTELY agree with you Kittyboo!
I have family members who are nothing more than a drain on other family members' emotional health and finances.
I have a sister who is a delusional liar and manipulator. She indirectly contributed to my marriage breaking up--long story, but she almost landed my exh in jail, when he didn't do anything wrong. She is DANGEROUS. I have cut her out of my life, and I do not regret it. I did it for my own emotional and physical safety.
I have another sister who is a religious nut. For the last few yrs, the only thing she's ever wanted to talk to me about is why I am not saved.
I posted something on my Facebook wall about the separation of church and state, and she had the audacity to write that my mother, RIP, should come down from heaven and slap me. I immediately blocked her, and I no longer talk to her.
Both of these women have made complete MESSES out of their lives, yet consistently run to my 83-yr old father for money and support. It totally disgusts me. I can't even imagine trying to drain my father's retirement money like they have. Why on earth should I be obligated to have these vampires in my life, just because by accident of birth, we ended up in the same family? It's ridiculous.
I have family members who are nothing more than a drain on other family members' emotional health and finances.
I have a sister who is a delusional liar and manipulator. She indirectly contributed to my marriage breaking up--long story, but she almost landed my exh in jail, when he didn't do anything wrong. She is DANGEROUS. I have cut her out of my life, and I do not regret it. I did it for my own emotional and physical safety.
I have another sister who is a religious nut. For the last few yrs, the only thing she's ever wanted to talk to me about is why I am not saved.
I posted something on my Facebook wall about the separation of church and state, and she had the audacity to write that my mother, RIP, should come down from heaven and slap me. I immediately blocked her, and I no longer talk to her.
Both of these women have made complete MESSES out of their lives, yet consistently run to my 83-yr old father for money and support. It totally disgusts me. I can't even imagine trying to drain my father's retirement money like they have. Why on earth should I be obligated to have these vampires in my life, just because by accident of birth, we ended up in the same family? It's ridiculous.
Originally Posted by Kittyboo 
One of my biggest fears is that I will become like both my mother and father, emotionless and cold.
But does this mean that I hold on to relationships which are unhealthy for me because it's the "right" thing to do? I am learning no, I do not.
I got a friends request on FB yesterday from one of my mothers sisters (she has 13 bros and sis's). This aunt has not kept in touch with me for 20 years, she is not a nice person, she is gossipy and she is a racist. There is nothing about her that I care to associate myself with. She sent this request without sending a simple message to ask how I have been.
I blocked her. Yes, there are family members who simply want to "stalk" your life.
I also blocked one of my sisters. This sister is also mean, passive aggressive, purposefully hurtful, and I have tried on numerous occassions to reach out to her and make her a part of my life.
She is so disinterested in being in my life, and makes no effort. Everytime I would see a post from her to someone else, it would hurt a little that she never bothered to reach out to me.
My struggle was "when do I literally let these people go, stop trying so hard and move on? Is it OK to let go of family?"
And I wondered if maybe I was now hurting myself more than them by letting them go.... because one of the things I long for is family.
It's the same thing with a pattern in relationships.... I accept crumbs. Even crumbs from the people who are supposed to be closest to me.
I just cannot do that any longer. If there is a consistency of hurt that comes with an association to certain people, then those people are maybe not meant to be in my life.
My therapist would tell me she wanted to see that I was more angry with my parents than I really showed. I don't think I really understood how to be angry with them. I think I understand it now. My mother is also a very mean person, who really makes no effort to be a part of my life. And yes, it is my right to be angry about that, not accept that treatment, and choose to move on with my life.
I think my therapist was trying to teach me that it's okay to be angry and it's okay to walk away from the people we think we can't walk away from because they are "family" or because we don't think it's the right thing to do.
I will not accept crumbs from men or family...and that's just the way it goes.
But does this mean that I hold on to relationships which are unhealthy for me because it's the "right" thing to do? I am learning no, I do not.
I got a friends request on FB yesterday from one of my mothers sisters (she has 13 bros and sis's). This aunt has not kept in touch with me for 20 years, she is not a nice person, she is gossipy and she is a racist. There is nothing about her that I care to associate myself with. She sent this request without sending a simple message to ask how I have been.
I blocked her. Yes, there are family members who simply want to "stalk" your life.
I also blocked one of my sisters. This sister is also mean, passive aggressive, purposefully hurtful, and I have tried on numerous occassions to reach out to her and make her a part of my life.
She is so disinterested in being in my life, and makes no effort. Everytime I would see a post from her to someone else, it would hurt a little that she never bothered to reach out to me.
My struggle was "when do I literally let these people go, stop trying so hard and move on? Is it OK to let go of family?"
And I wondered if maybe I was now hurting myself more than them by letting them go.... because one of the things I long for is family.
It's the same thing with a pattern in relationships.... I accept crumbs. Even crumbs from the people who are supposed to be closest to me.
I just cannot do that any longer. If there is a consistency of hurt that comes with an association to certain people, then those people are maybe not meant to be in my life.
My therapist would tell me she wanted to see that I was more angry with my parents than I really showed. I don't think I really understood how to be angry with them. I think I understand it now. My mother is also a very mean person, who really makes no effort to be a part of my life. And yes, it is my right to be angry about that, not accept that treatment, and choose to move on with my life.
I think my therapist was trying to teach me that it's okay to be angry and it's okay to walk away from the people we think we can't walk away from because they are "family" or because we don't think it's the right thing to do.
I will not accept crumbs from men or family...and that's just the way it goes.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Sandrawg, that is an excellent way to describe certain types of people: "Vampires." Thanks for that; I'll have to remember that 
And no, KittyBoo, I don't think it is cold of you to protect yourself from these people. I think it is the INTELLIGENT thing to do. I am learning that if associating with someone requires "too much" thought, if you constantly have to try to figure out where that person is coming from, or what they mean by what they say; or if you just get a bad feeling whenever they come into your life; THAT is chaos and confusion, which is the OPPOSITE of peace and serenity. I can no longer afford to feel bad for someone else, or feel guilty for not being their friend, or to make excuses for them. Because to do those things does not protect ME. And I HAVE TO protect my serenity and my peace of mind. It does not matter who might be "right" or who might be "wrong," or what other people might think of me and my decisions. What matters, to me, is ME. Because I am the ONLY person who is going to put me first.
...I cannot believe it has taken me 42 years to get here but I am so glad I have gotten here. Thank you God, and thank you Al-Anon...
I understand how it feels, though, KittyBoo kind of confusing when you first start purposely excluding other people, especially in certain circumstances. Some people are easier to drop from our lives than others. But once you start doing it, dropping the vampires, it becomes easier. I've unfriended several people from FaceBook just because they are negative. I have stopped talking to certain people at work because of their ways. And I just don't associate at all with certain people who it seems I should associate with (such as BF's sister) but I don't because those people are simply not healthy.
And no, KittyBoo, I don't think it is cold of you to protect yourself from these people. I think it is the INTELLIGENT thing to do. I am learning that if associating with someone requires "too much" thought, if you constantly have to try to figure out where that person is coming from, or what they mean by what they say; or if you just get a bad feeling whenever they come into your life; THAT is chaos and confusion, which is the OPPOSITE of peace and serenity. I can no longer afford to feel bad for someone else, or feel guilty for not being their friend, or to make excuses for them. Because to do those things does not protect ME. And I HAVE TO protect my serenity and my peace of mind. It does not matter who might be "right" or who might be "wrong," or what other people might think of me and my decisions. What matters, to me, is ME. Because I am the ONLY person who is going to put me first.
...I cannot believe it has taken me 42 years to get here but I am so glad I have gotten here. Thank you God, and thank you Al-Anon...
I understand how it feels, though, KittyBoo kind of confusing when you first start purposely excluding other people, especially in certain circumstances. Some people are easier to drop from our lives than others. But once you start doing it, dropping the vampires, it becomes easier. I've unfriended several people from FaceBook just because they are negative. I have stopped talking to certain people at work because of their ways. And I just don't associate at all with certain people who it seems I should associate with (such as BF's sister) but I don't because those people are simply not healthy.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 436
My psychotherapist was very forceful on this subject - he insisted that 'family' is just a word. He would say 'is this person, supportive, respectful, honest, loyal, kind, loving, trustworthy etc' because that's the sort of person that you want in your life.
Having a person in your life who are complete opposites to this, because they are family, just muddies the waters and makes your life more difficult than it has to be. Dealing with an alcoholic adds enough drama!
Having a person in your life who are complete opposites to this, because they are family, just muddies the waters and makes your life more difficult than it has to be. Dealing with an alcoholic adds enough drama!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
Thanks everyone for the replies!
It is always comforting to know that we are not alone with certain thoughts which often seem questionable.
It seems we all have distanced ourselves from several people in life whom people would otherwise think should be automatically a part of our lives in a positive way. Not so much.
Learn, I actually just deleted about 70 people from my FB who are really not a part of my life....though people I have known throughout my life, they are not a part of my life in the present, and there is just no need for that connection. At least not for me.
I was thinking about that too.... how often it would be nice to be able to just "erase" everyone from the past and start over. Of course, not the people in your life who are valuable.... but the internet can make it difficult to do that when people from 10 years ago suddenly pop up and friend request you!
I have no desire to be who I was 10 years ago.... though I have learned from her, she can stay behind...as well as many of the people that were there with me.
I've also come to accept that people have cut me out of their lives too... and I am learning to be okay with that. It's not that others have just been toxic to me, but I know I have been toxic to others. Some relationships dont' mix. And we should all have people in our lives who bring out our best. At least that's what I believe and want now.
It is always comforting to know that we are not alone with certain thoughts which often seem questionable.
It seems we all have distanced ourselves from several people in life whom people would otherwise think should be automatically a part of our lives in a positive way. Not so much.
Learn, I actually just deleted about 70 people from my FB who are really not a part of my life....though people I have known throughout my life, they are not a part of my life in the present, and there is just no need for that connection. At least not for me.
I was thinking about that too.... how often it would be nice to be able to just "erase" everyone from the past and start over. Of course, not the people in your life who are valuable.... but the internet can make it difficult to do that when people from 10 years ago suddenly pop up and friend request you!
I have no desire to be who I was 10 years ago.... though I have learned from her, she can stay behind...as well as many of the people that were there with me.
I've also come to accept that people have cut me out of their lives too... and I am learning to be okay with that. It's not that others have just been toxic to me, but I know I have been toxic to others. Some relationships dont' mix. And we should all have people in our lives who bring out our best. At least that's what I believe and want now.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I have no desire to be who I was 10 years ago....
I've also come to accept that people have cut me out of their lives too... and I am learning to be okay with that.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
The gentleman who was the director of the rehab I went through, and also an RA, said many times he judged the potential for harm, as well as the potential for good, in others.
I understand that today.
I don't settle for crumbs either anymore.
I understand that today.
I don't settle for crumbs either anymore.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
