Do I let my mom hit rock bottom?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: midwest
Posts: 94
Barb--I guess my mother can't fathom what the pressure of her trying to move out here does to me. It makes me feel like if she did, I would be tied to this area for the rest of my life. No no no. Fortunately, the further into financial doom she goes, the less likely she will have the ability to move out here. And I will suggest shelters for her. Thing is, she thinks she is above all that. Above applying for section-8 housing, above getting free food. not her! Never.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Los Cabos, Mexico
Posts: 34
In many ways your mom and my mom are exactly alike. I believe that she is sober, yet I am so mad that she is literally crying 5 feet from me feeling sorry for herself. Still, she must be so lost... If I didn't already tell you, she has 30 days of sobriety. I will keep everyone informed as to her progress. We all could use a little hope.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: midwest
Posts: 94
My mom has been calling but I haven't taken her calls. I feel like I need to explain to her that I won't be speaking to her for some time because of her repeatedly hanging up on me when she hears something she doesn't like. But I really don't want to get into it. I am not sure what to do. I am starting to feel guilty for not taking her calls. My friend's father just died and I guess that is making me feel like I need to reach out to my mom.
Feeling down.
Feeling down.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: england
Posts: 162
You don't need to explain,and if you really don't want to get in to it listen to what your gut is telling you and protect yourself.It won't make any difference to your mum if you tlk to her and definetly won't help you,you will get sucked back in to the chaos. i know how you feel. tough love im afraid. xx
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
the way i see it, your mother is not rational. so you "explaining" to her why you are not taking her calls will just fall on deaf ears anyway.
about feeling anxiety when you think of her trying to move to your side of the country....that is well into the future. you don't know if that day will ever actually arrive. just don't go there now.
you're doing fine.
about feeling anxiety when you think of her trying to move to your side of the country....that is well into the future. you don't know if that day will ever actually arrive. just don't go there now.
you're doing fine.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
need to start working a co-dependency program but don't know where to begin.
You're posting and reading here.
It's easy to look in the phone book and find Al-Anon.
Or Adult Children of Alcoholics.
(ACOA- but careful - there's an aluminuim siding company with the same letters FOTFLMAO)
Make the call.
The more people we can surround ourselves with
who know what we're saying
who've had similar or the SAME things happen to them
as is happening with US right now....
The greater the chances are that we can find the means
to initiate real and permanent change for ourselves.
So good for you!
you've already started!
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Originally Posted by gardner 
.
I need to start working a co-dependency program but don't know where to begin.
.
I need to start working a co-dependency program but don't know where to begin.
.
Here is one of the links to the book study:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post2551211
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: midwest
Posts: 94
My mom keeps calling several times a day wondering why I am not picking up the phone. I am feeling really stressed out by it. I am almost at the point of just giving in and picking up the phone and telling her why I am not picking up the phone. Maybe a month was too long to not take her calls. Maybe I should rethink it and go with 2 weeks. Then when I take her call I could tell her exactly why she hasn't been able to get a hold of me.
I feel damned if I do and damned if I don't. The guilt is almost worse than the frustration of listening to her problems.
I feel damned if I do and damned if I don't. The guilt is almost worse than the frustration of listening to her problems.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
How about going out and not having to listen to the phone? Then having a friend check the messages for you and just giving you the gist of the calls? Sometimes it's good to take a little vacation and come back to the situation with a new (rested) perspective.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
gardner, I understand what you are going through but want to share that it is in your best interest to go to Al-Anon; it will help you with this problem. The principles and tools I learned in Al-Anon have helped me in so many of my relationships with others.
I had to go through something similar as you are going through, with my brother, with whom I was severely codependent and took "care" of since we were kids. It would take forever to list everything I did for him, his wife, and his children so suffice it to say that I was just very codependent and would make myself crazy and broke putting out fires for and taking care of them, year after year after year. I was always doing for him, and for them, sacrificing, giving, paying, paying and paying, whatever it took because he just seemed to screw up everything and they weren't taking proper care of their children. Hell, they weren't even capable of keeping up with the laundry for a family of four and turning off the lights when they left a room.
At a certain point, after being lied to for a decade, hurt, used, abused, etc I decided I had to STOP. It was one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do but it was SO worth it. I cut him off 100%, stopped answering his calls, refused to read his emails. NO CONTACT for years. I would not even talk about him with my parents because it HURT SO BAD. EVERYONE in my family, brothers, sisters, even cousins would ask me how he was doing because he and I had always been BEST FRIENDS. It was horrible. It was as if he had died.
Soon after I (his primary and strongest enabler) turned away from him, he sunk to the lowest point of his life and my family was sure he would die. But after some time had passed, something miraculous happened. He was FORCED to stand on his own two feet and he actually started to do so. After decades of severe drug and alcohol abuse (both prescription and street drugs), he got himself clean. He is doing well.
Of course there are no guarantees that your mom will get clean if you go No Contact. But my point is, I got PEACE and SERENITY when I finally Let Go. In fact, it was not UNTIL I let go of my best friend that I learned what peace and serenity even meant for me. If you allow the fear of what will happen to your mom if you let go to rule, if you allow the guilt that you are somehow responsible for your mother continue to make your decisions, you will never find peace. You KNOW in your heart what you are capable of doing for her and what you need to do. Trust that.
I had to go through something similar as you are going through, with my brother, with whom I was severely codependent and took "care" of since we were kids. It would take forever to list everything I did for him, his wife, and his children so suffice it to say that I was just very codependent and would make myself crazy and broke putting out fires for and taking care of them, year after year after year. I was always doing for him, and for them, sacrificing, giving, paying, paying and paying, whatever it took because he just seemed to screw up everything and they weren't taking proper care of their children. Hell, they weren't even capable of keeping up with the laundry for a family of four and turning off the lights when they left a room.
At a certain point, after being lied to for a decade, hurt, used, abused, etc I decided I had to STOP. It was one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do but it was SO worth it. I cut him off 100%, stopped answering his calls, refused to read his emails. NO CONTACT for years. I would not even talk about him with my parents because it HURT SO BAD. EVERYONE in my family, brothers, sisters, even cousins would ask me how he was doing because he and I had always been BEST FRIENDS. It was horrible. It was as if he had died.
Soon after I (his primary and strongest enabler) turned away from him, he sunk to the lowest point of his life and my family was sure he would die. But after some time had passed, something miraculous happened. He was FORCED to stand on his own two feet and he actually started to do so. After decades of severe drug and alcohol abuse (both prescription and street drugs), he got himself clean. He is doing well.
Of course there are no guarantees that your mom will get clean if you go No Contact. But my point is, I got PEACE and SERENITY when I finally Let Go. In fact, it was not UNTIL I let go of my best friend that I learned what peace and serenity even meant for me. If you allow the fear of what will happen to your mom if you let go to rule, if you allow the guilt that you are somehow responsible for your mother continue to make your decisions, you will never find peace. You KNOW in your heart what you are capable of doing for her and what you need to do. Trust that.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: midwest
Posts: 94
Thanks for sharing your story, L2L. It gives me hope that she might come to her senses some day.
I gave in and called her. At a point I said, "Last time you hung up on me and I have had enough of that and we won't be taking for some time if it happens again." She brushed it off and said "Well, we're talking now." It made me so mad. I haven't talked to her since.
As always, she makes sure to let me know that my feelings are not valid.
I will look for an Al-anon meeting. I have been to one in the past with my sister and I didn't care for it. Actually, my mother went with us so that she could understand how my sister felt about her problems. I remember feeling angry at my sister. This was before I accepted that my mother was not a victim.
I need to do something. The anger I feel about all of this, the years it has been going on is reaching a head.
I gave in and called her. At a point I said, "Last time you hung up on me and I have had enough of that and we won't be taking for some time if it happens again." She brushed it off and said "Well, we're talking now." It made me so mad. I haven't talked to her since.
As always, she makes sure to let me know that my feelings are not valid.
I will look for an Al-anon meeting. I have been to one in the past with my sister and I didn't care for it. Actually, my mother went with us so that she could understand how my sister felt about her problems. I remember feeling angry at my sister. This was before I accepted that my mother was not a victim.
I need to do something. The anger I feel about all of this, the years it has been going on is reaching a head.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
It must be difficult to take care of your own children and then have to worry abput your mom too. I know where you are coming from. My dad is alcoholic, doesn't take care of things for my mom and my disabled brother, so I am left
to take up the slack. But it's like another one of my brother's says: Dad is a child and there is mo sense getting angry at what a child does or says. Dad just doesn't have a "normal" sense of responsibility, and just drank the decades, and all the opportunities that came with them, away.
Give Al-Anon another chance. You will find a lot of strength in those rooms. There are people there who know you better than you do, who will teach you a new way to think, and a new way to live. It is so worth it.
to take up the slack. But it's like another one of my brother's says: Dad is a child and there is mo sense getting angry at what a child does or says. Dad just doesn't have a "normal" sense of responsibility, and just drank the decades, and all the opportunities that came with them, away.
Give Al-Anon another chance. You will find a lot of strength in those rooms. There are people there who know you better than you do, who will teach you a new way to think, and a new way to live. It is so worth it.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Gardner,
I'm sorry you're struggling. But out of that struggle, can come much strength and wisdom.
I'd like to also endorse Al-anon -- with a different mindset, and a commitment to go to the same meeting at least a few times -- you might have an experience that is worthwhile.
I'd also like to ask you to try and not take the insulting tone and the dismissing of your feelings, personally. Just as an abuser perpetrates on someone who is not deserving of their actions, your mother is acting out, and lashing out at the nearest and safest targets.
I'm sorry you're struggling. But out of that struggle, can come much strength and wisdom.
I'd like to also endorse Al-anon -- with a different mindset, and a commitment to go to the same meeting at least a few times -- you might have an experience that is worthwhile.
I'd also like to ask you to try and not take the insulting tone and the dismissing of your feelings, personally. Just as an abuser perpetrates on someone who is not deserving of their actions, your mother is acting out, and lashing out at the nearest and safest targets.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: midwest
Posts: 94
I finally got the call that I have been dreading: Can I come live you?
I still haven't gotten to an al-anon meeting. Not sure if I am ready for it.
I was actually playing out the scenario in my head and trying to find a way that it would work for my mother to live with me. I could do this, this and this and it would work! How crazy, I know.
I feel like the ostrich. At this moment, I just want to put my head in the sand and pretend it would never happen and honestly, there isn't much to worry about at this moment. She is still taking care of my grandmother and as long as my grandmother is alive, I don't have to worry about her coming here.
I still haven't gotten to an al-anon meeting. Not sure if I am ready for it.
I was actually playing out the scenario in my head and trying to find a way that it would work for my mother to live with me. I could do this, this and this and it would work! How crazy, I know.
I feel like the ostrich. At this moment, I just want to put my head in the sand and pretend it would never happen and honestly, there isn't much to worry about at this moment. She is still taking care of my grandmother and as long as my grandmother is alive, I don't have to worry about her coming here.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
